I enjoyed reading the previous post on trans-phobia and all the responses. It got me wondering what dysphoria feels like to others? Any aspect you would like to comment on...physical, emotional, spiritual. It's all part of it right?

I am asking because I have been accepting I have to and want do something about this, finally, at the age of 46. I thought I had dealt with it ten years ago but all I did was go into hiding and become miserable in the long run. After a lot of struggling I thought I was happy, taking a break from agonizing over gender was a relief. Some part of me knew it was going to come back however. I wished it wouldn't, but it did. Internalized trans-phobia and a desire to just fit-in and not feel or be alone were the driving factors I think.

The recent question I ask myself is "Don't you (I) find this absurd?" Well, I sorta did. Sorta do still but far less so. It doesn't seem like it is something that should have happened to me. I have restless leg syndrome too, but why? It just happens. No telling. Still have to deal with it.

Someone mentioned Doctor Anne Vitale in another post.  I just finished reading an abstract she wrote (Link below) and it made my situation feel much less absurd. I fall into the "G3" category she writes about. Growing up with some of the interests and hobbies I had, the urge to be either female or at least less male never made any sense. She mentions briefly how chemical anomalies affect brain development in areas that are believed to relate to gender. I call them anomalies because I think calling them an "imbalances" is like saying there is something wrong with being born with transgendered brain. Well, there isn't. IMO it is not a defect that needs correcting. A transgendered brain doesn't harm the person at all, its societal non-acceptance of it that harms them. As opposed say, being born with a heart condition. Yeah, that can be fatal so you may call it a defect. Whether you call it that or not, it still needs to be corrected for that person's physical well being.

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Anyway, sorry if that is a bit of a rant. Back to my question...what does it feel like? I guess the concept of dysphoria was somehow hard to get my head around for awhile. Reading the definition and various articles about various sorts of dysphoria helped a lot. Putting the idea of dysphoria together with the desire to be female of at least gender non-conforming was kind of hard at first. Most likely I was just over-thinking it. I do think its way better than calling it a disorder and far easier to accept though. 

In my case I get these frantic moments when I just don't feel "right." Its like being male is a frightening, unnatural, uncomfortable reality I feel obligated to live in. About ten years ago when I decided to just accept/deal with being a guy I went through a year of deep, dark, depression which then turned into nearly non-stop generalized anxiety. Looking back I think that was something spiritual inside of me afraid to die. Four years ago it was evident that maybe it hadn't completely died or gone away and it played a part in a break-up I went through. There were other, larger issues but gender was part of it for sure. Never-the-less I was optimistic that I could just deal with it, let it sit in the back of my mind and more or less just know it was there. Wrong...as that part of me came back to life so did the depression and generalized anxiety. Now, in another otherwise pretty good relationship it is wreaking havoc again. I am optimistic however that whatever the other side of the struggle looks like things will be OK.

Until recently I worked with men who are afraid of and hateful towards anyone who is not straight and white. Having to keep my feelings to myself and listen to their bull->-bleeped-<- let alone present as 110% male made me miserable and often irritable. I suppose that was part of the dysphoria.

The rest of it I just can't put a finger on. The desire to change is just something in the pit of my stomach I know needs to happen. I keep asking why it needs to and I don't have an answer. Maybe asking why and not accepting it is part of the dysphoria? Maybe its a combination of not being able to answer that for myself as well as not being able to explain it to others?

So yeah, I guess that is the reason I'm asking. I tell the people who need to know that I want to change my gender or at least not conform to male gender norms. Inevitably they ask why that is and "what makes you feel that way" and I just can't seem to answer that.

Alright, I am hesitating to hit "post" as this is a bit of a ramble and long winded. Hopefully its clear enough.

Thanks for reading.

:-)
 

Short answer, "hell" at times. Accepting and loving my authentic self was the biggest hurdle. Once I did that, I felt validated and free from the slavery of denial. At least I don't hate "myself" any more, even if haters do. I feel a little like a leper, even though I have family and a wife who accepts me. You mentioned it might be a spiritual thing. It was only after I had a spiritual experience that I finally accepted who I am, a transgender person. Just today, I asked God "why me?" But I couldn't go back to denial and pretending if I tried. The pain of self-hate is worse than the pain of being hated - for me any ways. I can avoid haters, but I have to spend 24 hours a day with "me". Good vibes your way!

You mentioned you have to pretend to be a male and that's how it can feel like which really can mentally hurt. Drugs and alcohol can be a way to escape so watch out for those signs! Pretty much not wanting to be social can be a good indicator as well because you feel embarrassment for your gender appearance as long as you look like anything that resembles a male. I have depression and anxiety to and it's normal for gender dysphoria I beleive.

The waves description is apt.

For me, I have never been "there" in my life. Always in my head, always wishing my life away to the next distraction.
Nagging feeling of anxiety and doom always lurking
When you look at a woman you feel envy. Almost every woman. You hurt emotionally. You feel like crying.
Sometimes you are distracted. You can cope better. You throw yourself into things. Lots of easy, short highs.
In my early teens it was prayer. Please God, make me a girl.
In my late teens and early 20s it was ecstasy. Then it was work. Marriage, babies.
Just don't stop to think. Ever.
Then gambling. Then the crash. You can't fight it any more.
The logical part of your brain fights with the subconscious and emotional.
You can't be a woman..your job, your family.
I don't care..
Don't be silly..this is real life..it's too late.
Therapy, acceptance..

When dysphoria is at its worst,  you can't sit still. Waves of sorrow, anger, guilt, regret sweepover you.
Then it subsides..and you wonder if you are a fraud..repeat to fade

I was unaware of my dysphoria for years.  I started to become aware of it when I would cross-dress.  The rightness of the feeling when I was dressed illuminated the wrongness that I felt the rest of the time.  I hadn't been aware of the wrongness until then; I had just called it normal.

You mentioned feeling uncomfortable being around men and trying to fit into their society.  That was a big one for me as well.

Now that I have dealt with those manifestations, I still feel some lingering unsatisfactoriness about my body.  For the most part, I am happy with my shape, though I wish my boobs were larger.  But having to tuck when I am wearing trousers, and having to shave (and never being able to get a close enough shave) just feel wrong.  I am working on getting those problems addressed. 

I will always have some lingering dysphoria about my hair.  I wish I didn't have to wear wigs or hats.  But I do, and there's no getting around it.

It feels like a mix of self-disgust and/or hate, sadness and/or shame... that with time eventually becomes a familiar response-feeling when you see yourself in a mirror or think about things that remind you of your body and "place" in the world. You'll get a split second brain flash of it all the time when encountering things that remind you, as well as longer periods of self-reflection that usually lead down the same old dead-end alleys.

Learning the true reason for it makes it worse, too. You realize it's an actual problem and not something you could have done anything about. Then you see you have a choice: live with it for life, or try to do something about it and live with that for life, too.

I don't know if my dysphoria is different from most because I didn't try pretending to be something I didn't feel like, but clearly I didn't fit in just being myself. 

QuoteThe desire to change is just something in the pit of my stomach I know needs to happen. I keep asking why it needs to and I don't have an answer.

I always had the desire not to be what I was born as. I didn't have a great deal of desire to conform, though, so for a long time I didn't see the issue. If I were ask myself now why it needs to happen the answer - truthfully - is, it doesn't need to happen, but I've spent 38 years now knowing it didn't feel right at all, and I could go on for the rest of my life experiencing dysphoria and choosing not to partake in a lot of things other people do because it doesn't feel right at all... but that's not much of a life. It's like living half a life. No family, no spouse, no kids, no feeling complete or correct... yeah I could resign and go on with that until I drop, but what's the point if it feels so empty and lifeless? I might as well try and see if things can improve, even a little, if I move toward something I felt far more comfortable being.

That's from the perspective of someone mostly resigned to life always feeling disoriented and uncomfortable. Since HRT I've felt much more "like myself" and far less ill as a result. So it was the right choice, even just from a health perspective.

I'm sure some people find it absurd to a degree if they've managed to live a fairly normal life and then out of the blue, they realize they are transsexual. Me though - well, I never was normal to begin with. I didn't fit any stereotypes. Life always had a pervading sense of being uncomfortable in some indescribable way even as a kid. I think I incorrectly assumed most people must have had a sense of that discomfort too - but looking at people now knowing what I know... I think most of them out there really are well aligned and adjusted to their bodies and they never feel any disgust or shame or any of that anywhere near the level we do. Which is something I'll probably never experience. I'll just have to settle for the satisfaction of getting closer to feeling better. I suppose if I was one of them, I'd be completely ignorant and unaware of my body in this particular way, so there's that.

I'm only just realizing what was and was not dysphoria over the years, but let me see if I can't put into words what I feel like was dysphoria...

For one, it was the disconnect between myself during the day and myself at night since I was a little kid. During the day I just did whatever needed doing, and didn't think much of the issue. At night, I'd stay awake for hours building complex fantasy worlds (I thought of it as shooting a movie in my head) in which I was female, and in which I was infinitely happier. Most of the time I wouldn't think twice about these fantasies during the day, only to dive back in the second I laid down. (I feel this also went hand in hand with my *need* to always play as female video game characters, even if I didn't know exactly why. It was the night time fantasies in digital form.)

Two, it was never connecting to the attitude of men (well, boys) around me. I chalked this up to liking nerdy things back before it was more acceptable for the most part (90's versus 2000s was a huge leap on acceptable pop culture interests). But even then, I'm forced to admit I had the same disconnect when even my fellow nerds would begin to do the usual guy routines. (I recently recalled one particularly awkward moment when around the age of 12 they started comparing genital size. Everyone seemed to be in on the mindset, but I just flat out did not understand what was happening.) The only person I didn't feel awkward around was one friend who I would be shocked if he didn't turn out to have something in this ballpark of his own going on.

Three, it was never being happy with how I looked. By all accounts I was attractive as a kid and when I wasn't overweight. I've been told that supposedly several girls had crushes on me, though I lacked that fundamental male drive to do anything about that. But didn't matter, I still hated people looking at me, and would retreat from the world. I used to chalk this up to anxiety/agoraphobia, but now believe that it was a healthy dose of dysphoria mixed in.

Four, it was an indifference/feeling of hopelessness about my body even beyond looks. I've used this metaphor before, but I think it's apt so I'll repeat it... it was like a guest at a party who doesn't care about trashing someone else's house. I didn't take care of myself at all, because it just didn't feel like it mattered. (Fortunately, this one is gone now.)

Finally... most recently since my self recognition it has shifted to the most traditional form of dysphoria I believe, in being constantly frustrated and angry with body hair and other masculine features. Also, becoming increasingly impatient to move forward more quickly. I want the weight off *now*, so I can start HRT *now*, and to have hair removal *now*, and so on and so on. I just want this part of my life done.

There's a few other things I could mention, but these are the big ones

For most of my life I've been hearing this voice in the back of my head telling me that I don't belong. Not just with any particular group of people, but that this entire universe, this entire REALITY did not want me. There was also this horrible pain deep inside, like some vicious creature was slowly chewing away my soul. When the pain was the worst I'd just curl up in a ball and cry.
I threw myself into video games, sci-fi, and fantasy. At least in those worlds I could feel like I was a part of something.  I much preferred settings in the future, past, or (even better) other worlds. Modern-day settings just reminded me of the horrible world I didn't belong in.
I never fit in with the guys. I've had lots of male friends over the years, but avoided anyone that tended towards 'locker room talk'. I longed to hang out with girls, but never felt comfortable around them because I so wanted to BE them (plus some trauma related to my mother).

Since starting to transition, I don't hear that voice anymore. Well... OK, not much. It's not nearly as bad as before, and it's slowly fading away as I progress. The only times my dysphoria really hits me now is when I'm having to present male, usually just at work. The thing that usually sets it off is if I notice my voice has gone back completely to my old male voice (I try to keep it a little higher, without being too feminine). In fact it just hit me a few minutes ago. All of a sudden I have trouble breathing, my head starts spinning, and I want to burst out in tears. It usually takes a minute or two to calm myself down.

For me it is boredom and apathy towards my life, my job, my relationships, like having some sort of sadness in the background of my mind all the time and never feeling passionate about anything. Like life is pointless and I am just going  through the motions.

Never really knew why I felt like that, when I was finally aware of the reason, I got words to describe it, it was as if everyone was tasting this delicious ice cream and telling me "Omg this is the best ice cream in the world! You need to try it" and I kept tasting it and licking it and it didn't taste like anything, it had no taste, like I had the flu and my mouth just couldn't taste it, and I couldn't understand why everyone else was loving it. Well the flu is the dysphoria and the ice cream is my life.

I never knew what it was, I just thought I had a very "gray" personality that made me apathetic about everything.

And on top of that, constant fantasies about being a woman. ALL. THE. TIME. To the point where it would be mentally tiring and I would tell myself "enough! Why are you thinking so much about this??". Silly me never realized that these thoughts and the apathy were linked.

And I can relate to some of the things described in this thread. I'll quote some later.

Mine effects me in a lot of ways. Before I transitioned being considered male caused me a lot of anxiety. If someone called me dude or bro, I would get mean and hostile toward that person. They couldn't understand why since they hadn't done anything wrong that knew of. My brother went through a short period of calling me both "dude" and "bro" and I hurt his feelings a lot because just hearing either word made me hostile and very mean. It didn't take long for him to figure it out and he totally stopped using either word in reference to me. And I was extremely bitter toward other girls at school and it was bitterness that was really close to hatred. It just seemed totally unfair that all they had to do was be born to have a good life and be who they were and I was stuck being a boy. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I always took pleasure and happiness in any misfortune that fell on girls at school and I would do anything I could to bring them more. My jealousy toward other women isn't as bad since I transitioned  but it's still there. But it's not hostile jealousy like it was. After I transitioned I stopped being so mean and it was a lot easier to inteteract with people.

I still have dysphoria but it expresses itself in different ways now. Not being able to have sex with my boyfriend the way I want is a big thing for me. It also upsets me a great deal that any relationship I ever have with a guy is going to depend on his ability to accept me as a transwoman. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, my boyfriend is very accepting and he's wonderful. But the fact he could have just said no thanks and not wanted to date me because I'm trans I really annoys me. It's totally unfair to me that I will always have to rely on a guy being open-minded enough to want to be with me. And sometimes I wonder why Tristan even wants to be with me at all when there is no shortage of cis girls who would love to date him. It also really upsets me that I can't ever have children. I don't like children and don't want them but I want the ability to have them. It really upsets me that no one will ever see me as a real woman but something that's been made to look like a woman.

I also have dysphoria over my male parts. I wouldn't try to do anything to them because I need them for SRS but I do have a lot of hatred toward them. I can't help but think I could have had a normal happy life if it wasn't for that ## "thing".  When I hear about someone having a baby or see it on TV and it's a boy baby I automatically think " how horrible. That poor thing". I have to remind myself that most boys like being boys. But that's like a alien concept to me.

It is wormtongue, that manipulative little jerk!

Quote from: KathyLauren on September 07, 2017, 03:16:59 PM
I was unaware of my dysphoria for years.  I started to become aware of it when I would cross-dress.  The rightness of the feeling when I was dressed illuminated the wrongness that I felt the rest of the time.  I hadn't been aware of the wrongness until then; I had just called it normal.

You mentioned feeling uncomfortable being around men and trying to fit into their society.  That was a big one for me as well.

Now that I have dealt with those manifestations, I still feel some lingering unsatisfactoriness about my body.  For the most part, I am happy with my shape, though I wish my boobs were larger.  But having to tuck when I am wearing trousers, and having to shave (and never being able to get a close enough shave) just feel wrong.  I am working on getting those problems addressed. 

I will always have some lingering dysphoria about my hair.  I wish I didn't have to wear wigs or hats.  But I do, and there's no getting around it.

Brilliant response. 


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Quote from: zamber74 on September 07, 2017, 11:43:14 PM
It is wormtongue, that manipulative little jerk!

LOL! That's about right.