If has been a while since I last posted, I have had two therapy appointments since my last post. I really love my new therapist, we have been really developing a great relationship. I noticed a shift in the first of the last two appointments. The focused seemed to shift towards this idea that they have that I am not my authentic self. Of course then I throw a monkey wrench into that idea, by saying what if being my authentic is not longer possible because of a wife and child, my authentic self may be different then it was 15 years ago. I was told that was not an option, it was going to be my true authentic self. I left the appointment with this feeling that they this might not be heading in the same direction I thought as I entered this appointment.

So, almost right from the start of my most recent appointment, so started talking about other clients she had. One client in particular she did not mention what their issue was, but even a blind person would have known she was talking about a person transitioning male to female. They wanted me the know that finding your authentic self can be scary. They are not just a therapist, but a friend who you can grow with you as a person. With about ten minutes left in the appointment she asked me if I knew what the term transgender meant. I told her I was familiar with the term. I am even a member of a transgender message board. She seemed surprised with that response. What have you learned from this message board, I said there are people out their that hate being a guy more then me. You got the message wrong, she said, these people have found their authentic selves and have moved away from their old selves. My prediction is that next week we are going to talk about the upcoming Solar Eclipse.

I thought all I needed was some male bonding and I would be out the door.

My next appointment is going to be really interesting. We are not going to be talking about upcoming Solar Eclipse, unless that happens to be some new term for transgender.

  Hi Erika, Laurie here. I haven't posted in this thread since way back when you first started it. I will admit to not  following it either but I have read the whole thing from start to finish today. I found following your struggle fascinating from and observers point of view. And struggle you have. Your desire not to hurt your wife and fears of losing her and your daughter are well articulated. I do understand those fears myself. I also understand the anger, self denial, insecurity, and meanness, and overcompensating in trying to be the man I could never be. In the end I lost my wife and my family. This was all before I even thought I might be transgender. I cross dressed. I have cross dressed almost all of my life so I knew I was different. I also knew it was something I could not stop having tried over and over again.
  But back to you. I empathized with all of your soul searching and denials and watched you inexorably moving inch by inch towards accepting yourself. I don't think you are completely there yet but I think you will be eventually. This new therapist sounds like the one that can really help you explore and figure out who and what you are. They have you best interest at heart. St the moment you are fighting still, fighting that internal fight virtually all of us have had to or are fighting with our feelings, not yet knowing just what it is we want. Or if we do get glimpses of what we want and who we are, we are petrified with fear over what effect it may have on our future and on our loved ones.
  I don't have those answers for you but I want to let you know I had them myself. The answers will come from you eventually as no one else can give them to you. Your therapist however will help you discover them.
  What happens from this point on is anyone's guess but I think I can see you making even more progress in your struggles for answers. You are doing well and moving in what I feel is the right direction. Be completely honest with your therapist and yourself.

I wish you all the good luck on your journey you can possibly have. I look forward to more closely following what you post from now on .

Hugs to you Erika,
   Laurie

Hi Erika

Sounds to me you are on a winner with this new therapist. I started with Testosterone and then on to the therapist, should have skipped the testosterone but hey, I felt I should. Therapy is what helped me work out what was going on for me. Having someone you can relate to is half the battle.

My therapist was as subtle as a brick, as I went to leave my third session she gave the a copy of "The Prager handbook of Transsexuality" suggesting to me that I might need to read this.

I hope you can keep moving forward and working out what is right for you. Transition is not right for everyone, but for many of us, there is no choice.

Interesting day today at therapy, I went as Erika.

If you believe my therapist, because it is not like they are going to say anything mean spirited. She was surprised to walk out into the waiting room and not see me, she thought maybe after our last session, I decided to just not come back. Then this woman asked her if she was ready for me, then she realized it was me. Again it is not like she is going to say anything mean spirited, but it made me feel nice. We got back to her office, and she said she was so happy with how I showed up today, she knew that my authentic self was sitting in front for her. I told her, I came here today to not just tell her that I want to be as open and honest as possible, but to show you how willing I am to be open and honest. I told her the truth is I always don't know what the truth is anymore, I have made up so many lies to protect myself over the years, I just don't know what the truth is anymore. I do know this, you asked why I wanted a female therapist and would I consider changing to a male therapist, the truth is I wanted a female therapist, because I'm a woman. She said she was proud to have me as a client and can't wait to get started on the road ahead. I told her I don't know what I want to do next, I am pretty certain at some point I want to get on hormones (estrogen). I am not sure if I want to socially transition and just keep living life as is. She said that in her opinion I don't look like my guy self when presenting as Erika. It was weird hearing her call me Erika. I am just sitting there thinking, she is talking about me, a real live breathing person looking at my face is calling me Erika. I told her it was so nice to sit in her office and be relaxed. I have been so tense the past two session, I figured you knew something wasn't right with me. Now I can relax because it is all out in open. It feels nice to finally be able to say I'm a woman and open up about how I feel. I asked as I was leaving can I get a hug, she gave me a hug and it was so nice, to be able to enjoy the embrace of another person. I told her as a guy, I was never really hugger, so I am really happy to be able to enjoy that hug.

Glad that you got to feel those feelings. I had those same thoughts and feelings when I first started seeing my GT. It felt amazing but also like it was an out of body experience. It was kinda tripping me out to hear the words I was saying.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's so interesting to see how you move from 'I have to take testosterone and forget about trans-thoughts' to going out as a female self. I hope you'll find a good balance somewhere.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: elkie-t on August 01, 2017, 10:50:02 PM
It's so interesting to see how you move from 'I have to take testosterone and forget about trans-thoughts' to going out as a female self. I hope you'll find a good balance somewhere.

I told my therapist I realized I had two choice after last weeks session. I could continue to run from therapist to therapist, and never face the writing on the wall and keep my wife happy or I could own how I feel and build a relationship with you. If my wife knew I was here today dressed as a woman, she would leave me, it might come to that even if I was here today dressed as a man and was avoiding the writing on the wall. I really feel that I can trust you and want to build a relationship so when my life goes to hell, I have someone I can trust to support me.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on May 21, 2017, 09:32:03 PM
I just want to thank everyone for there words of support and understanding. So it looks like you are stuck with me.

ERICA, you better stick around.
You have gotten some awesome advice so far on this thread.  Just awesome.  So good, it affected me.
While your therapist may have declared you non-TG, I don't necessarily agree.  For one thing a therapist does not diagnose dysphoria. Only you can diagnose it in yourself. 
Your dysphoria may go away for a while, but that dysphoric bitch comes back.  Maybe not today...maybe you get lucky and it goes away for a few weeks.  It's all good.  But if you are anything like me, it just hits you.  Watching TV.  Walking around the grocery store. Even at the tire store. Seeing an advertisement for a woman's item.  It hits.  You and I have no control of it.  It happens and pow, GF, we are back in the dysphoria. 
Also, consider that your therapist may be challenging you. Give you a diagnosis that you want and are desperate to hear to test your level of dysphoria.  I kinda hoped my therapist would have done same. If it hits your button then they and you are good.  Saved a lot of time, anguish and money. 
If not, your back and a lot more serious. 
So ERICA, try on the items you have bought and are on the way.  See how you feel.  Allow yourself to enjoy them.  Not how you look.  Especially, how you think you look. NOW. Feel it deep down inside you. How does it make that girl in you feel?  Does it push a button deep inside you?  Satisfy a hunger?  Make you happy like you have never felt in your life? 
That will help you decide your next step. 
And next appointment. 
And next message.
Good luck and come on back regardless of the answer.  Here we all are on a unique but similar journey.  And here there is not a right answer for all.  Only the right one for you.  And you are welcome regardless.

I went to therapy today in guy mode. My therapist asked how did I feel and I said, if felt good to be the old me again. They responded by saying, you don't seem as happy as the old me as you did as Erika. Fast forward to the end of the appointment, I asked my therapist to help me come out to my wife. We set a date for three weeks.

The entire drive home I knew I couldn't wait three weeks. I was going to tell my wife tonight. I just got done talking with her. I don't remember what I said, I was so nervous. I told her I wanted to explore being a woman, and she wanted to know what that meant. I told her I did not know where it would go, could lead to full time female mode, with hormones and a vagina or anywhere in between here and there. Next she asked where does it start, I said I don't really know, maybe I could try makeup.

Well I am out for good this time.

She did not walk out of me, so I guess we will see what happens next.

Congratulations! That is a scary and brave action. I remember doing that myself.

You could start with make up. Dressing when possible or under dressing helps some. Have you started facial hair removal? There are a lot of little things one can do to try it out. I am almost out publicly but in the mean time, I am wearing all women's clothes that are in styles similar to what I wore in drab male mode. I have been pushing to more effeminate styles lately. My wife semi-jokes with me, "So are you out at work now". However, it has been nearly two years of doing that. You can take it as slowly as you want.

If your wife is cool with it, she may have an eye for what would look good one you.

Hope your journey continues smoothly.

With warmth,

Jacqui

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on August 09, 2017, 07:57:15 PM
Well I am out for good this time.

She did not walk out of me, so I guess we will see what happens next.

I hope it works for you. A couple of things to consider -
a) don't make all the talk about your ->-bleeped-<-, find some time to tell her you love her or how her support is essential to you. Find some time to continue doing things you loved to do together.
b) don't spend all family budget on Erica, make sure it goes equally split between her and your wife.
c) make sure there's something in it for her... take some of her chores (cook/clean dishes for her, do a massage, whatever) - and continue to be on time with your male chores too (so she won't assume she will have to become a husband).
d) maintain positive attitude. Many wives are in it just because they see how much more relaxed and open we became (if you're always sulky - it's not fun to be around you).
e) never lie to your wife if asked directly and you don't want to tell it, just say so or plead fifth.

And remember, if she stays - you owe her a big one. How many guys would stay with their wives who would decide to transition into males?

And if she decides to leave, it's best if you can remain friends.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on August 09, 2017, 07:57:15 PM
I went to therapy today in guy mode. My therapist asked how did I feel and I said, if felt good to be the old me again. They responded by saying, you don't seem as happy as the old me as you did as Erika. Fast forward to the end of the appointment, I asked my therapist to help me come out to my wife. We set a date for three weeks.

The entire drive home I knew I couldn't wait three weeks. I was going to tell my wife tonight. I just got done talking with her. I don't remember what I said, I was so nervous. I told her I wanted to explore being a woman, and she wanted to know what that meant. I told her I did not know where it would go, could lead to full time female mode, with hormones and a vagina or anywhere in between here and there. Next she asked where does it start, I said I don't really know, maybe I could try makeup.

Well I am out for good this time.

She did not walk out of me, so I guess we will see what happens next.

I can hear the relief in your post.

That is a huge step and can have some fairly big ramifications. I have been with my wife for 30+ years and I can only hope your wife is as supportive as mine has been.

elkie-t makes some great points and sound advice

I guess the only thing I would say is, now is the time, to love her like you have never loved her before. Think about her before you make any big decision but most of all love her.

I haven't posted in awhile, because I have been doing a lot of thinking. I went to therapy wanting to talk about some doubts, I was having about being transgender. My wife has been trying to understand and give me space to explore. It was really creepy when she gave me some of her clothes to wear. I am just really struggling with the idea of living as female for the rest of my life. Dressing like I woman is fun, but I am not sad to put guys clothes back on. I like the idea of looking pretty and there is also some part of knowing you are bucking the norm. Looking at old ladies walking down the street, makes me kind of sick to my stomach that I will look like that some day. I don't seem to mind the old man look. I tried talking to my therapist about this feelings, they wanted nothing to do with that. She would rather talk about why I wasn't dressed as Erika today, because I was much happier the day I came as Erika. I tried to explain Erika doesn't have a job, or any responsibilities, so she can be care free and do whatever she wants. What happens when Erika has a job and responsibility. I left feeling that my therapist cares more about Erika, then me and my current problems. So I dumped another therapist. So yes I am going in the opposite direction, there are just some guys things I am not ready to give up.

I think you have well articulated the concerns I have about therapy.  Wishing one had been born female is not the same as wanting to surgically, or socially, transition to a permanent female role but it's very easy to confuse the two.  In some ways, not wanting to transition can increase the dysphoria as it doesn't have a natural safety valve and these feelings, again, are very easy to confuse with a drive to transition.  The purpose of therapy is, of course, to help yo find the answers for yourself, not to tell you the answers.  However, unless one can find a very good therapist who is not scared to say 'wait a minute, are you sure?', there's a risk of a body of momentum building up that is impossible to stop (funnily enough, your first 'do you want a vagina?' thereapist was probably a lot closer to the mark than we give them credit for!).

We've seen this in the UK where there appears to be an exponential increase in the number of young children being diagnosed with GD and widespread concern that psychologists are being too quick to jump on the trans bandwagon (and, in some cases, villifying parents who question their diagnosis).

I am in a similar position to you on this and I applaud you for having the guts to take time out to marshall your thoughts.  Like you, I have experienced the total joy and feeling of calm when dressed as my ideal woman but there's a huge gulf between an hour or two of living the dream and taking steps towards permanent change.  For many, permanent change is the right answer but it's not for everyone and I do worry that many professionals either miss or ignore that point.

I keep saying I need to post something to get these thoughts out of my head, then I log off and go to bed without writing anything. I thought things were going good and my head was clearing up. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the thought of wanting to be a woman again. Here is what gets me if the progression was like the alphabet A to Z, I start at A and move from letter to letter, if I stop I start again on the letter I was just on, well that is not how life is going. I have this list, the reasons I don't want to be a woman. Example, I don't want to get my ears pierced and wear earrings. So I am going about my daily guy life and I see a cute girl with earrings, and I think I want earing like she is wearing. I stop in my tracks, where did that thought come from? Five minutes ago, I didn't even want to be woman. Now I am back wanting to be a woman and all of sudden I want to get my ears pierced. So maybe I fall back into wanting to be a woman, but how have I moved from not wanting some part of womanhood to now wanting it. I should be where ever a left off not further down the road. I feel like I don't want to be a woman full time, but I don't want to be woman part either. As frustrating as this all feels, right now and in the at least near future staying a guy is the right choice for me. I know I am transgender, no normal cis guys feels the way I feel, but I can't give in to my fantasies. I know someday I will just need to start estrogen, wait a month or two then tell my wife that I am transitioning to be a woman and there is no going back. I understand our relationship is over and there is no saving it, with that being said I want to enjoy every monument I can with her now.

 You can put it that way, or you can say that you _and_ your wife invest your precious lifetime on a relationship that you know would eventually fall apart. Wouldn't she better off by finding herself a partner while she's relatively young?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

But I know how you feel, I'm at the same spot. Only I tried it and not mesmerized by earrings, but more with HRT and body changes coming with it. And I don't allow myself any free time to think about it.

So, plz forgive my snarky comments if they appeared to you as such (if you can)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
I keep saying I need to post something to get these thoughts out of my head,... I feel like I don't want to be a woman full time, but I don't want to be woman part either. As frustrating as this all feels, right now and in the at least near future staying a guy is the right choice for me. I know I am transgender, no normal cis guys feels the way I feel, but I can't give in to my fantasies. I know someday I will just need to start estrogen, wait a month or two then tell my wife that I am transitioning to be a woman and there is no going back. I understand our relationship is over and there is no saving it, with that being said I want to enjoy every monument I can with her now.

Hi Erika,

  Laurie here. When I read what you wrote on things stands out. You are a conflicted transwoman. I'm no professional anything (though I was a good computer repairman once) But I do see you are torn between you and your fear of losing what you have because of it. I read nothing of doubt in your words and that is because you know as well as I do  that you are trans. You love some of what you have now and a huge part of that is your wife. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You fear losing the good things in your life but at the same time you are denying who you know you are inside. This going back and forth with wanting to do things and not wanting to do them is just indicative of the internal struggle you wage with yourself and the guilt you feel for wanting to be the woman within.
  Someday something will have to give. Do you keep what you have and risk losing yourself in the process or do you become who you need to be and risk your wife and comfort you have now? Someday you'll be forced to make that choice. I can't tell you which it will be. Only you can decide that and when you do I hope you come out a winner. Keeping it all would be ideal of course.
  I wish you peace however it may turn out.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
I keep saying I need to post something to get these thoughts out of my head, then I log off and go to bed without writing anything. I thought things were going good and my head was clearing up. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the thought of wanting to be a woman again. Here is what gets me if the progression was like the alphabet A to Z, I start at A and move from letter to letter, if I stop I start again on the letter I was just on, well that is not how life is going. I have this list, the reasons I don't want to be a woman. Example, I don't want to get my ears pierced and wear earrings. So I am going about my daily guy life and I see a cute girl with earrings, and I think I want earing like she is wearing. I stop in my tracks, where did that thought come from? Five minutes ago, I didn't even want to be woman. Now I am back wanting to be a woman and all of sudden I want to get my ears pierced. So maybe I fall back into wanting to be a woman, but how have I moved from not wanting some part of womanhood to now wanting it. I should be where ever a left off not further down the road. I feel like I don't want to be a woman full time, but I don't want to be woman part either. As frustrating as this all feels, right now and in the at least near future staying a guy is the right choice for me. I know I am transgender, no normal cis guys feels the way I feel, but I can't give in to my fantasies. I know someday I will just need to start estrogen, wait a month or two then tell my wife that I am transitioning to be a woman and there is no going back. I understand our relationship is over and there is no saving it, with that being said I want to enjoy every monument I can with her now.

I understand the confusion. I'm right there with you, one moment I'm like "when I become the woman I've always dreamt of, I'll be the happiest person in the world" and the next I'm like "no way, I'm happy the way I am, I don't need that. It will actually make everything more difficult". Gender dysphoria/confusion or whatever you wanna call it is one tough beast to rule over.

Sorry, this is long... I don't have time to edit it down... had two choices, erase-and-skip or post... choosing the latter...

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... I thought things were going good and my head was clearing up. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, the thought of wanting to be a woman again. ...

I'm wondering if you are very judgemental of yourself. In the above you are saying "things were going good" and "head was clearing up" and "then..." where the "then" implies something not good (bad?)... that "not good" thing being the thought of being a feminine being.

You might try to consider how you feel about yourself and your fluid fluctuations without such robotic imprint-based judgement.

It seems like you're letting your community's opinions, and/or those of your upbringing, and/or those of your overall societal context generally, judge your experience for you without you fully experiencing and understanding it on your own. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems that way when I read what you say.

Next time you experience a puzzling fluctuation, you might consider sitting down and taking a deep breath, exhaling... let the robotic judgements such as "good" and "bad" float away... just try to relax and ask yourself... is being a woman truly a setback? Is that a "bad" thing? You talk about it above as if it is... but is it? If so, why?

My personal judgement (which should not matter to you beyond your assessment of what I'm saying) is that you are judging yourself, reviewing yourself, based on imprints from upbringing/society/environment, as opposed to really relaxing and asking yourself with your highest civilized mind what is going on, what is okay, etc.

When robotic forms of "good" and "bad" float away, the real strong needs for good/bad judgements don't leave... they are always there (even if somewhat subjective from human to human, we often agree on certain things). If someone falls down while running, that may be a "bad" thing on most people's judgement because we generally don't want that to happen to someone else. There's things in life that folks easily agree are "bad." But a genetic male being a woman...  or feminizing... in closed-minded communities that's often a "bad" thing... in open-minded communities that aren't threatened by such harmless notions, it is not "bad" and likely "good." I mean... be careful about whatever judgements you may be implicitly attributing to your experiences, possibly even without your own awareness that's going on. We live in a horribly judgmental society... without scientific data, I have a personal hunch it is the source of a lot of the mental health problems we deal with (as a society). 

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... Here is what gets me if the progression was like the alphabet A to Z, I start at A and move from letter to letter, if I stop I start again on the letter I was just on, well that is not how life is going. ...

Wrong... apparently that is "how life is going" ... and it's not only "how life is going" for you, but you are also judging it as bad without relaxing to truly consider things. Maybe your life is one that goes from A to Z throughout your life... you may really see that and want that. Or if you want to change something, maybe the best footing is to first acknowledge that is what's going on, and even in confusion about it, admit you may not have the data yet to fully understand it, to judge it.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... Five minutes ago, I didn't even want to be woman. Now I am back wanting to be a woman and all of sudden I want to get my ears pierced. So maybe I fall back into wanting to be a woman, but how have I moved from not wanting some part of womanhood to now wanting it. I should be where ever a left off not further down the road. ...

Wrong again... your faulty judgement tells you in uncompromising terms "I should not be where ever [I] left off [and] not further down the road." The truth of the matter is you should be nowhere but where you are. And you are going from not wanting to feminize, to then wanting to feminize. First, there's no data in that to make it definitively "bad" but you can likely find 100s of closed-minded towns around the world that would tell you "bad bad bad" ... and the world is full of messages that such is "bad bad bad." Maybe you are applying a robotic judgement something is "bad" without using your own soul/mind to make a personal wise civilized judgement on your own. That dilemma is not unheard of.

When I read what you wrote... I see you changed from not wanting to feminize, to wanting to feminize... and I don't see any issue with that. It's not a "bad" thing. It's who you are at this time. It doesn't mean that will happen all your life. Also, if you wish to not spend time feminizing, it's not inconceivable that you might learn to manage those feelings such that you can achieve your goal. BUT... and this is important... don't take what I just said as "that's what you should do to be 'good'" ... I'm not saying that.

I'm trying to say your mind is powerful, and it can help your create unhealthy repression just as it can help you move yourself to a place without unhealthy repression. If you're confused at any one time, that's fine... you can sit there in that moment, take a deep breath, exhale, and admit you experienced what you think may be conflicting thoughts... but that you don't know more yet. If that moment of pondering, letting confusion just be there can often help because it can help you avoid forcing a judgement simply to resolve the confusion. You don't need to resolve confusion in the moment you feel it. And you don't need to judge yourself as "bad" because of confusion. You are allowed to nonchalantly observe confusion, avoid judgement, and even be merry about it... i.e., "Hey, I see my wondrous confusion... what a wonderful mind I have that is processing something... let's what it learns over time... maybe hours, days, years... I have time... I will live the best life I can as I figure this out. I'll only judge when I feel the judgement for myself is clear." ... that sort of thing. I sometimes feel we have a mental health epidemic on this earth because we fail to give ourselves such healthy latitude. You are allowed to give yourself such latitude.

Over judgement just gets is everyone's way so much... there is definitely a time to say "no, that is bad" ... those times exist... but we apply that to so many things where it just gets in the way. Feminizing oneself is generally harmless... to imprint people that it's "bad" is a societal health problem.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... I feel like I don't want to be a woman full time, but I don't want to be woman part either. ...

You should discuss that in therapy. Sounds like dysphoria... those are mutually exclusive so I'm wondering if one or the other stems from judgement from imprinting and not your wise soul/mind. But until you know, I'd recommend not concluding it's "bad" or "good" or mutually exclusive. I say this because even what you write there is your own judgement to convey with words and given your other judgements, I'm suspicious your rendition of what you're experiencing within your wonderful mind is too hasty, quick... lacking the full color of what's really going on. On the high level, I get you're experiencing a form of confusion... but I don't sense it's as mutually exclusive as you present... something can either be understood further or resolved further toward less confusion. (And to split hairs... you can be okay with your confusion such that you accept it and understand it in way that is not confusing to you. Not saying that applies to you, just that it's a potential that shouldn't be written off. A non-judgemental accepting view of one's so-called confusion that leads to clarity.) 

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... As frustrating as this all feels, right now and in the at least near future staying a guy is the right choice for me. I know I am transgender, no normal cis guys feels the way I feel, but I can't give in to my fantasies. ...

If it's the "right choice" that's great... fine, no problem. But "right choice" sounds like "good" to me, versus "bad." So if it's not a blind good/bad thing, it's fine... nobody says there's a rule you have to live as a woman. It's really up to you to figure out how to live... resolving gender issues is really (to me) about removing unhealthy repression that gets in the way of being a certain way that works best for someone. So I assume the goal for you in terms of resolving gender issues is to find a way to live life where you feel content in your life/relationships. There's an infinite number of outcomes to all that.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on September 13, 2017, 08:36:39 PM
... I know someday I will just need to start estrogen, wait a month or two then tell my wife that I am transitioning to be a woman and there is no going back. I understand our relationship is over and there is no saving it, with that being said I want to enjoy every monument I can with her now.

I'm sort of with what others have said... I'd caution against deceiving anyone unless you feel they are abusive and you must be secretive just to move toward health but I don't sense that here. If you lie to someone who expects your trust, that (to me) creates unhealthy karma (it's not good for the soul/mind). Are you saying you know your relationship is over already now? If so, does your wife know you feel that way? If not, can you talk about that with her? Are you certain it's over? Regardless of any answers here, try to find a therapist you can discuss things with personally and perhaps with your wife.