So many to choose from and I hate most every one of them because there wasn't anything I could do back then.  I have two older sisters and two female cousins that I grew up around.  Seeing them all the time doing girl things made me so jealous of the time.  Another was when I was in kindergarten and all the kids were playing Star Wars.  I had to be Princess Leia.

Till I was 8, I thought that I was a girl and that I was the victim of a parental conspiracy to cut my hair and make me wear boys' clothes.  With hindsight, though, it is probably understandable if my parents were thinking "weird" rather than "transgender" when they often caught me prancing around naked except for my mother's headscarf (which I wore on my head, not where I probably should have worn it).  I did sometimes wear a towel like a dress until I was big enough to try on my mother's.  When my mother explained a bit more about the facts of life, I did mostly accept my fate, but there were signs that I was still transgender.

I liked to wear my mother's clothes and eau de cologne.  I can't say that I was desperate for Barbie or Sindy dolls but I pined for those beautiful porcelain dolls.  I also tended to hang out with girls until an incident in which boys started jeering me for it, and the girls that I thought were my friends joined in.  It happened day after day until I hid during every school break, and at my next primary school I wouldn't even sit next to a girl in case the jeering started again.  After that, I stopped thinking that girls were any nicer than boys, but I still wanted to be a girl, and that was probably a major sign that I was transgender.

Another sign, which I now gather is typical of trangender children , is that I wanted to be a mermaid.  It started when I saw the movie Miranda with Glynis Johns.  I'll bet that there are quite a lot of trans women members who wanted to be mermaids.

Quote from: MaryT on September 28, 2017, 09:46:51 AM
Till I was 8, I thought that I was a girl and that I was the victim of a parental conspiracy to cut my hair and make me wear boys' clothes.  With hindsight, though, it is probably understandable if my parents were thinking "weird" rather than "transgender" when they often caught me prancing around naked except for my mother's headscarf (which I wore on my head, not where I probably should have worn it).  I did sometimes wear a towel like a dress until I was big enough to try on my mother's. 

Oh god, the towel dresses. I forgot about those. I'd always put a towel around my head as well and pretend it was long hair. Stupid repressed memories.

And I thought of another good one! Not understanding why my male friends wanted to see such and such movie because such and such actress was "hot"! (Mostly even if it was obviously a terrible movie.) I find women perfectly attractive and still didn't understand it, because it is just such a blatantly male approach to women. This is going back to the early days of puberty, though while this particular movie didn't come out when I was a kid there is one that stands out to me the most as the perfect example: Into the Deep. The movie was a cash in at the height of Jessica Alba's popularity, and is notable for spending probably the first third of the movie doing nothing but showing her swimming around in a skimpy bikini. Male friends were to a person in awe of it. My only thought was "So... when is the movie going to start?". When I questioned people on why they were so enthralled, the only answer they had was a dumbfounded "Uhh, she's hot.", like I was crazy for asking.

OH! This just hit me right as I was about to post. One time as a teenager with friends, someone randomly started watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. And I was of course thinking more about the bras than the models wearing them. I remember making a comment to the effect of "Ohh, that bra is sexy", which was about as outspoken as I ever was on any sexuality, and getting a reply to the effect of "who cares, the girl is hot I'd rather see her without it". Me in my head: "But... the bra." How on earth I didn't realize I wanted it for myself I have no idea.

I was a boy until I realized got a chest. About 11 years old. Never had a thought about not being a boy. In school and playground I was only with other boys.

In gymnastics class I was sorted with the guys by the teacher. I also got the male part when we were dancing.

Think my teachers knew more than me. Too bad no one told ME what was so obvious.

Tony

Quote from: Roll on September 28, 2017, 12:59:17 PM
Oh god, the towel dresses. I forgot about those. I'd always put a towel around my head as well and pretend it was long hair. Stupid repressed memories.

And I thought of another good one! Not understanding why my male friends wanted to see such and such movie because such and such actress was "hot"! (Mostly even if it was obviously a terrible movie.) I find women perfectly attractive and still didn't understand it, because it is just such a blatantly male approach to women. This is going back to the early days of puberty, though while this particular movie didn't come out when I was a kid there is one that stands out to me the most as the perfect example: Into the Deep. The movie was a cash in at the height of Jessica Alba's popularity, and is notable for spending probably the first third of the movie doing nothing but showing her swimming around in a skimpy bikini. Male friends were to a person in awe of it. My only thought was "So... when is the movie going to start?". When I questioned people on why they were so enthralled, the only answer they had was a dumbfounded "Uhh, she's hot.", like I was crazy for asking.

OH! This just hit me right as I was about to post. One time as a teenager with friends, someone randomly started watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. And I was of course thinking more about the bras than the models wearing them. I remember making a comment to the effect of "Ohh, that bra is sexy", which was about as outspoken as I ever was on any sexuality, and getting a reply to the effect of "who cares, the girl is hot I'd rather see her without it". Me in my head: "But... the bra." How on earth I didn't realize I wanted it for myself I have no idea.

Guys would sit and watch grass grow if there was a chance of seeing a hot girl. It's one of those hard to understand male behaviors that makes me want to throw them bananas.

Ok so I have plenty of typical ones but the biggest sign that haunted me was this inexplicable feeling that I was different. I felt like a stranger in my body and I struggled with typical situations until I learned how to properly put up a front. After that I felt alien, just trying to blend in because of the intangible feeling that something was really off about me. Over after coming out to myself that feeling faded into a memory.

I remember watching beauty pageants on television when I was about 3 or 4. I desperately wanted to become like the contestants. These days, I loath pageants, and refuse to watch them. Of course, I know they tape up everything covered in clothing, and paste artificial smiles on their faces.
I especially loved the evening gowns, and would wear a bedsheet wrapped around me in my room, even tho I was terrified what my adoptive parents would do if they saw me wearing one.

I gotta say, this is my favorite thread in a while.

I'll add another, and I know it's not just a girl thing, but my mom started teaching me how to make desserts.  Soon, I was making, crepes, their sauces, cakes, pies.  I remember my dad rolling his eyes at me as I was in the kitchen in an apron.  He would go back to his TV and football.  He never once tried to get me interested in that.  This was all, BTW, before I was asked if I wanted to be a girl.  I wanted to say yes, but was afraid.  The first post about looking for gender affirming abuse was after.  If I had it coming from my environment not just my parents, I'd have said yes.  I never did though.  Oh well, 20/20.

Bari Jo

Bari Jo, you just reminded me of some more of my memories.

I used to hang out with my mother when she was sewing.  She sewed a lot of her own clothes, and I used to love to watch.  To this day, if there's something that needs sewing in this house, I'm the one who runs the sewing machine.

I got her to teach me to bake cookies.  My specialty was peanut butter shortbread cookies.  This would have been when I was about 11 or 12.

In my thirties, I asked her to teach me to knit.  I got to be quite proficient, though I am out of practise now.  I thought at the time I was just being a liberated pro-feminist male, but now I know better. 

Quote from: Roll on September 28, 2017, 12:59:17 PM
Oh god, the towel dresses. I forgot about those. I'd always put a towel around my head as well and pretend it was long hair.

I did that as well! But mostly t-shirts instead of towels.

I was also never one of the boys...EVER. But I just thought I was gay. I went to an all boys catholic school so there was no way for me to know that I was "one of the girls". My classmates did give me a hard time for not being into soccers or any sports in general, so I always felt different.

Since puberty I have always wrapped the towel around my chest when getting out of the shower, despite not having breasts. I just liked the feel of it and would try to keep it on that way as long as possible.

Any cartoon with a female lead instantly grabbed my attention. The show didn't even have to be good, in fact I frequently remember asking myself "Why am I watching this?" but being unable to stop. I watched so much Pokemon just for Misty/May/Dawn/ whatever female character was following Ash around. Gender swap episodes were the same way. I remember there being an episode of Codename: Kids Next Door set in a dystopian future where all boys were turned into girls, and I obsessed over what it would be like to be turned into a girl. I also started choosing female characters in games, and I felt really embarrassed about it like I was doing something wrong. I can see looking back that was because I knew I was hiding my real motivation for doing so even from myself, and I didn't want anyone to ask me why I chose it and be forced to lie out loud.

I remember riding my scooter up and down a hill in junior high, and I came up with a game where if I rode down the hill three times and said a magic word I'd turn into a girl. On the third time down I had a very vivid experience, and I think I sort of tricked myself into actually believing I was a girl for a few seconds, or maybe it just kicked in how committed I was to this idea that I was willing to go up this hill over and over. I quickly became embarrassed and "turned myself back," but the memory stuck with me.

Sometimes I still doubt myself about being trans, and then I see a post like this and I almost can't believe I had any doubt. The evidence is abundant and all layed out in front of me.

There is something else that always bothered me, don't know if anybody else went through this. I was embarrassed to take my shirt off since I was very little, I never wanted anyone to see my chest. I don't know why, it just embarrassed me a lot...As if it shouldn't be seen...like a female chest. Never really thought I had boobs, but again for some reason I was super uncomfortable being around people with my shirt off, I never did it, not even at home or when sleeping, and tried to avoid it as much as I could when going to the beach or the pool.

Every other boy I knew was shirtless at home and pretty much whenever they wanted to, and I never understood how they were so free and careless about it.

I got over this embarrassment after becoming an adult but never really resolved why I had such an issue. I do remember that as a teenager I was very skinny and insecure so probably that also had something to do with it, but it started happening way before that, since I was very little.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 28, 2017, 08:47:37 PM
There is something else that always bothered me, don't know if anybody else went through this. I was embarrassed to take my shirt off since I was very little, I never wanted anyone to see my chest. I don't know why, it just embarrassed me a lot...As if it shouldn't be seen...like a female chest.

Yes, I did. After puberty that is. Before I'd go swimming with no problem, but not long after that I just felt uncomfortable with my shirt off. That eventually extended to my legs, too, but that was mostly because I had started shaving them & didn't want anyone to know. 

More I remembered. I always wanted to hang out with the girls, but I assumed that was because I wanted to date them, but I was always too scared to even do that (yay childhood trauma....  ). There were times in grade school that I'd start making friends with girls, but then all my male friends would make fun of me, and I caved to the peer pressure & stopped talking to the girls.

I never told her this, and may never have the chance, but I always loved hanging out with my sister. She was only 1-1/2 years older than me, and I always thought she was really smart & pretty (and at the time deep down probably wished I looked more like her).

I used to hang out with my adoptive sister, whom was 4 years younger then me. I never cared for my adoptive brother. In fact, she was the first one I told, that I wanted to be a girl, when I was 12. That was when the chit starting hitting the fan, and the continued abuse and violence by my adoptive mother got me placed in foster care. There were 2 temporary foster homes before I got placed in the last one, which had only taken care of girls before I got there. When I wrote my foster mom (at the age of 30), she was not surprised to read that I was a woman.
My adoptive sister passed away at the age of 38.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 28, 2017, 08:47:37 PM
There is something else that always bothered me, don't know if anybody else went through this. I was embarrassed to take my shirt off since I was very little, I never wanted anyone to see my chest.

^^^ This. Still this for me. Everyone always made fun of me for swimming with a shirt. I would not walk around shirtless at all, etc. And I live in a beach town, so it wasn't a small part of my life. I think part of it, at least for me, is in general I don't like the fact my body didn't/doesn't look like I felt it should, even if I didn't realize it until recently. Funny enough, I am eager for the day that I might be able to go out in a bikini top or something similar.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 28, 2017, 08:47:37 PM
There is something else that always bothered me, don't know if anybody else went through this. I was embarrassed to take my shirt off since I was very little, I never wanted anyone to see my chest. I don't know why, it just embarrassed me a lot...As if it shouldn't be seen...like a female chest. Never really thought I had boobs, but again for some reason I was super uncomfortable being around people with my shirt off, I never did it, not even at home or when sleeping, and tried to avoid it as much as I could when going to the beach or the pool.

Every other boy I knew was shirtless at home and pretty much whenever they wanted to, and I never understood how they were so free and careless about it.

I got over this embarrassment after becoming an adult but never really resolved why I had such an issue. I do remember that as a teenager I was very skinny and insecure so probably that also had something to do with it, but it started happening way before that, since I was very little.

I have dealt with this as well. When I was little I had my shirt off any time there was water involved, but when I hit puberty I started feeling much less comfortable at the pool or around other people without a shirt on. I almost always wore a swim shirt that blocked UV rays, which helped a lot and I loved wearing it. Running track and cross country the other guys often ran shirtless and the few times I did I felt so awkward. Even sleeping I like to have a light shirt on or else my brain just bugs me constantly about being naked.

I love these other posts reminding me of things I hadn't thought of... The principal suggesting I shouldn't take home ec and promptly failing wood working. 

And, I totally thought I was the only one who hated taking my shirt off as a little kid too! Still do. I never wanted to be a mermaid, but Wonder Woman was certainly an option.

Quote from: grrl1nside on September 28, 2017, 09:47:03 PM

And, I totally thought I was the only one who hated taking my shirt off as a little kid too! Still do. I never wanted to be a mermaid, but Wonder Woman was certainly an option.

Ms. Marvel for me.

http://thestrawfeminist.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/ms-marvel.jpg

Quote from: grrl1nside on September 28, 2017, 09:47:03 PM
I love these other posts reminding me of things I hadn't thought of... The principal suggesting I shouldn't take home ec and promptly failing wood working. 

And, I totally thought I was the only one who hated taking my shirt off as a little kid too! Still do. I never wanted to be a mermaid, but Wonder Woman was certainly an option.

It was Wonder Woman for as well! They had reruns of the 70s show in the 90s when I was little kid and I loved it. Loved spinning around like she did, and pretended to jump through big buildings lol.

Here's another... I was around 11/12 years old when my grandma knitted my mum a pair of white bed socks. I asked for my own pair,  in baby pink,  which she made me and I happily wore around the house, just because I liked the colour and no other (concious) reason.

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