I feel like my existence is just this continual short-circuit going on in my brain. Neural pathways just firing up against a wall over and over again slowly killing me. I masturbate to every possible scenario under the sun, as long as I'm female in it. After I feel so ashamed I can't leave the house. If I go a day or to without it I feel better. I don't hate being a guy. I hate being a guy who has this in their head. Going on holiday is where I usually am able to put it from my mind the most. The change of scene helps. I resolve to hold these feelings at bay, at least to the point I don't masturbate. I feel great if I can do it. Like there's a chink of light somewhere ahaed of me and a life might be possible. A happy one. I start to feel like I can relate a bit more to my younger self. The self I thought I was. Before this infected everything. I managed that last week in holiday. I refrained from masturbating. Then after 4 days I had a sex dream. I was a girl. Having sex with a man. I had an orgasm. 10 times more powerful than the really unfulfilling ones I have awake. This thing has a life of its own. It is completely independent to my conscious choices. It's unbearable to wake up after that dream. After having felt better from abstaining. I'm not control of my life. My brain is just software that I can't control. Software that has conflicting circuitry. Just ramming against a wall. Over and over again. I don't know if I'm trans or if this is some sexual thing. I've desired to look physically female since I was 3. The nature of that desire I have no idea. But if I woke up female tomorrow there's a high chance it might just blow all these feelings to pieces. Blow everything out from my mind and out into the world.A female body might allow me to live in the world and not in my head. En if I don't know if I'm actually trans in the way others are. Like I said. Don't hate being a guy. At all. What I can't stand is being a guy who wants to be a girl. So that could be the cure. But-


Only if I looked female. I don't. don't have a body that could look female. Imagine Caitlyn Jenner but without the money and access to cosmetic procedures, with bigger hands and feet, with a bigger head, half bald, with a blockier build. (And before someone says-soandso is 6.7 and trans-I'm only 6ft. But I'm unusually male in my proportions. I've got the head hands and feet of someone who is 6.7, and yet I'm only 6ft, closer to 5.11 actually) Being female from the inside out could blow all this broken circuitry to smithereens. Adding a bit of odd fat distribution to a male body will not. In fact it will just pile more problems on top of this. My environment would fall apart. The guy that I am, outwith this broken circuitry, will have been murdered yet my desire to look female would not have been satisfied. Murdered for nothing. Sadness to my family for nothing. I've looked at this from every angle that I can, over and over again, and I cannot see an answer. I am doomed to play out this loop for the rest of my life. If I can change my conscious thoughts my subconscious troubles my dreams. It's so unfair. How can I have a feeling I don't want inside me? I literally tell my conscious self-why? I don't want to feel this? It makes me miserable? At the exact same moment that I am feeling some desire to look female. What is that. I'm kind of starting to hate the World and people in it. The idiots who don't get that someone can have feelings inside them they don't ask for or want. I'm staring to find it hard to look at my parents. It's mentally jarring being around ppl who I just can't feel this way around. I'm starting to loathe my Dad. He creeps me out in all honesty. A really well meaning,kind person, but there's something about sex and how it's been treated in my family that makes me feel uneasy about all of this. I've never had a conversation with my Dad about sex. It's like it doesn't exist. And I've caught him masturbating loads of times. Its just weird and makes me squirm and  I'm feel so uncomfortable. He's thick as mince so he doesn't know I know exactly what he's just changed the Tv from. It makes me feel dirty. Like a creep, And I hate him for it. I feel so disgusting about it and as a result the feelings I have that I want to kill myself. But then I think, maybe there's something I've inherited. Maybe he's trans? He's really soft and sensitive and in truth the weirdest person I've ever known. Or maybe he's a sex addict? He's definitely got an addictive personality. He sits playing games on his phone for hours on end. There's just something about him that I know is addictive wiring. He's a hostage to that dopamine hit. And so maybe these broken circuits I've inherited are genetic. Maybe I was born a sex addict? Maybe that's why my hypercharged sexuality developed the way it did? Maybe it's like a hunter gatherer brain exposed to all the insanity of the modern world going completely haywire. I don't know. It's not any easier to deal with than if 'my brain is trans'. I need to rewrite my circuitry. I need to be someone else. I ask God every night if that's possible,I ask the Universe every night to reveal something to me to help. Nothing ever changes. There is no answer.

Much of your description could be applied to me. I am 6'2", have a relatively masculine chest and self medicated with masturbation before treatment. As bad as I wanted to be a girl, I knew to others I appeared male. I questioned if becoming a female was the right decision for me.

You are showing the classic signs of being transgender and most of us would tell this story or something similar. Your options are limited to living with it as you have  been or seeking treatment. Therapy and HRT would help bring things under control and then you would be ready to decide on the next step.

What is preventing you from coming out? That will be the first step in ending this nightmare.

Quote from: Dena on October 01, 2017, 11:22:09 AM
Much of your description could be applied to me. I am 6'2", have a relatively masculine chest and self medicated with masturbation before treatment. As bad as I wanted to be a girl, I knew to others I appeared male. I questioned if becoming a female was the right decision for me.

You are showing the classic signs of being transgender and most of us would tell this story or something similar. Your options are limited to living with it as you have  been or seeking treatment. Therapy and HRT would help bring things under control and then you would be ready to decide on the next step.

What is preventing you from coming out? That will be the first step in ending this nightmare.

A lot.

I don't know if I'm transgender. I don't feel convinced of that. I don't feel convinced that it's not that I've just got a sexuality that is haywire. I don't know that I can't recover the me that I liked and still do like. It really all boils down to- I don't hate being a guy. I hate being a guy who feels like this. How can I just murder myself? With the very unlikely chance that it my desire to look female would be satisfied anyway? I want to have hair. I want to have curves. I want to have feet that don't like clown shoes. I want to have hands that don't look like saucepans. I want to have the natural proportions of a female. I want to be able to dress in the clothes that I am jealous of, and have them look like how they look on females. How they look when I am jealous of them. I want to lounge around in casual clothes and look female. I want to wake up and look female. None of that is possible. I'm sorry it's just not. Maybe I'm not trans. I don't want to offend anyone. It's possible that I say all this because I'm not actually trans and for genuine trans people it's more about a switch to some internal way of identifying. I don't know what that would entail and the thought of 'acting female' makes me squirm with embarrassment. I couldn't do it. I want to look female. That's all it's ever been for me. Genuinely, really female. So that I just exist in a female body. Some people have a kind of neutralish skeleton, with male fat redistribution, so hormones make them look female. Some have only slightly male type skeletons, so fat redistribution makes still makes them look female. My skeleton is so male. It just is. Getting out of bed every day and looking at my feet is enough to know my desires can't ever be achieved. Can I get a new skeleton? Again, I'm sorry to offend anyone, but let's say I woke up tomorrow and looked like Caitlyn Jenner, well, that wouldn't settle my desire to look female. And I've got a worse starting point I think. Because im not as tall as she is. But I'm as masculine bone wise, if not more so.

And also my family and friends. My parents are not 'cool' people. We don't talk about the world or ideas or politics or anything at all really. They just don't have that in them. Really nice people, but not really capable of taking in big ideas. Not really capable of learning. The insight you have to have to understand what all this means is so far beyond them. I'd feel ridiculous in front of them. I'm sorry I just can't describe it. My sisters and I always joke (not really funny actually) about how they always made us feel stupid for expressing an opinion. I know now that was just a defence mechanism because they are intimated by enthusiasm and passion and inquisitive thinking. I know how odd this will sound but it's true. They are like really nice rabbits caught in the headlights when it comes to the world. They just want to exist in the world and be nice to be people. Which would be fine. But they are my parents. They are always wanting to know about me. Ask about me. They feel some ownership over me because they are my parents. My Mum in particular. And so she'd make me feel stupid. Because I know she'd ask about it constantly. And never understand it. So I'd hate being around her. I'd never want to see her again basically. And I'm really close to my Mum. And not to mention it would all break her heart to feel the boy she raised wasn't really what she thought. (Even though I was-but this is it-deep ideas about gender would be beyond her)

Then there's my sisters. Who I am to them would be destroyed. I like them. But I don't like what their idea of femininity is. They'd think I was mad firstly and then secondly if they accepted it they'd think I wanted to be something that I don't want to be. That I was pretending things that I wasn't pretending. They wouldn't know me essentially. And that would be the same with my friends. I can't stand the thought of 'me'  dying in their eyes and never having control of it ever again. And like i said it boils down to-I like me. I don't hate being a guy. I hate being a guy who feels like this. I hate having unquenchable desires. It's not really about male or female. It's the mental jarring in my head of wanting something that isn't possible. And like I said, even so, looking female might be the cure to that jarring nightmare, but only if I actually 'looked' female. Otherwise I'm just getting all the negativity without any of the benefits, destroying a lot positives without replacing them with new positives.

I can relate with what you are feeling. Even I am in a bit of a conundrum.
      I am 6 ft 1 inch tall. I every day ask God, why I am 6 ft plus. I have very manly hands, us size 15 feet. I am balding and I have a hairy body.
       Like you, I masturbate too, where I imagine being a woman, never a man, always a woman.
       Like you, even I don't hate being a guy, but I would definitely prefer being a girl.
      Its just so complicated, I wish every night that when I wake up, I would become a normal person, but I don't.
       You can talk to me, if you want. We share the same problems.
       I used to masturbate 5-6 times a day, when I didn't have anything to do during the day. Now I have brought it under control, and do it maybe once a week.
     I used to crossdress until recently. I have stopped doing it now, because of the guilt and because I don't fit in my mom's and my sister's clothes anymore. I used to wear the clothes, and used to masturbate, and after that, the urge to wear the clothes used to vanish. I don't know if that makes me trans, or just a sexual freak.
      I loathe my body hair so much, I sometimes shave my forearms, but I stopped doing that too, when my friends thought I was a weirdo.
       
        Now , I'm about 80% sure that I am transgender but in the end, I can't tell for sure.


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There are CIS women who want what you want. They were born with tall masculine bodies that are are far from sexy feminine bodies. You can't obtain that goal but it's still possible to become comfortable with the body that you have. Feminine clothing is plentiful in our sizes which indicates somebody other than transgender MTFs are wearing it. Yes it is a little difficult to locate but if I had a place to wear it, I would be running my credit card up at Long Tall Sally and other stores. One can be large and beautiful as much of how people accept us is not based on how we appear but how we present ourselves. Cleopatra was rumored to be very unattractive but she knew 7 languages, was brilliant and had social grace that made her desirable enough to cause the downfall of Mark Anthony. Change what you can and accept what you can't change.

It is difficult to come out. It was one of the most difficult tasks I faced in my life but I had decided there were no other options and if my family couldn't accent it, I would have to do without them. Fortunately, while they didn't accept it, they did tolerate it which meant I didn't have to face this totally alone.

I am going to give you my standard two links but I suspect that you will get much more out of the second one. The first is our WIKI where the word transgender is defined. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will help you explore your feelings. Please look at the second link as it will help you understand the millions who feel much the same as you do and there is nothing unusual about you.

I've said it before on these forums, but I didn't "hate" being male either. If I had, I think my transgender status would have been far easier for me to recognize. Instead, I've always felt apathetic about it though with a strong internal desire to be female. Not that long ago I would have simply said "I don't mind being male, though I would have preferred to be born female." I don't know if this will apply to you, but turns out a lot of that was just coping. Since coming out to myself,  I have become more sensitive and increasingly unhappy with my "maleness". Logically, the dysphoria I now feel was always there, it didn't just magically appear, I just refused to acknowledge it out of fear for what it meant. Again, I don't know if this last part applies to you, but it might be worth thinking about.

I even have had the same doubts about weighing the positives and negatives... Worrying that I'd look like a freak as a woman was placed up against every positive I could come up with about being male. (Note: I want to be expressly clear that looking like a freak was entirely an insecurity about myself, and I don't want to offend anyone. Even before admitting my truth I never once looked at a transgender woman and thought that, no matter if they passed in the slightest or not. Quite the opposite, as I was always intensely envious!) Of course, this was nonsense on my part, and you might be surprised to find out it is the same for you. We've been so warped by the media image of femininity, but the truth is that there are countless cis-women out there with a large array of body types which are no different than what you describe and they live perfectly happy and fulfilled lives as normal women (though often brought low by some of hte very same doubts about themselves). I can think of two women I know well in particular who are taller than I am, with as broad if not broader shoulders, etc. and they are still 100% woman.

(As I was typing Dena beat me to some of this. )

Quote from: Saira128 on October 01, 2017, 12:19:40 PM

     I used to crossdress until recently. I have stopped doing it now, because of the guilt and because I don't fit in my mom's and my sister's clothes anymore. I used to wear the clothes, and used to masturbate, and after that, the urge to wear the clothes used to vanish. I don't know if that makes me trans, or just a sexual freak.

Just a note here... I found that once I bought my own clothes (a whole two weeks ago, feels like a lifetime), it helped a lot in placing everything in context because I was able to assess my feelings separate from all of the other complications. When I would try on family members' clothing I would always be overcome with the usual guilt and shame. What really got me was that I was violating someone else's privacy by doing so, and that made me sick to my stomach. (I can be on the hyper-moral side, so this really ate at me, but the need was just so strong.) But since I bought my own clothes, I can just wear them in private, and not feel guilty that I was violating someone else's things. I don't have to worry about rushing clothes back down to the laundry room, the clothes are in my size so are infinitely more comfortable, etc... But most importantly... I was able to stop looking at them as some sort of magic totem. The feeling that I'm wearing women's clothing and its just clothing, but clothing that matches who I am, is infinitely more magical than having them as some sort of fetish object. (Typed while wearing jeggings! )

Quote from: Roll on October 01, 2017, 01:10:53 PM
as I was always intensely envious

I've had the same feeling on this too.  I never approached a transgirl either until group.  When one made eye contact, I was scared, not that they would make contact, I would have liked it.  It was, she knows I'm trans, I can't hide from her.  Stupid stupid broken brain!

Quote from: Roll on October 01, 2017, 01:22:38 PM
Just a note here... I found that once I bought my own clothes (a whole two weeks ago, feels like a lifetime), it helped a lot in placing everything in context because I was able to assess my feelings separate from all of the other complications. When I would try on family members' clothing I would always be overcome with the usual guilt and shame. What really got me was that I was violating someone else's privacy by doing so, and that made me sick to my stomach. (I can be on the hyper-moral side, so this really ate at me, but the need was just so strong.) But since I bought my own clothes, I can just wear them in private, and not feel guilty that I was violating someone else's things. I don't have to worry about rushing clothes back down to the laundry room, the clothes are in my size so are infinitely more comfortable, etc... But most importantly... I was able to stop looking at them as some sort of magic totem. The feeling that I'm wearing women's clothing and its just clothing, but clothing that matches who I am, is infinitely more magical than having them as some sort of fetish object. (Typed while wearing jeggings! )

Wow, jeggings,  I'm gonna buy myself a pair or too [emoji847]


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I never hated being a male or my body either. But I just had these intense feelings of being a woman and how it would all be easier and make more sense that way. One of the rituals I did (and still do) was to look at famous women and imagine how my life would be if I looked like any of them. One week I would fantasize about looking like Megan Fox, next like Lindsay Lohan, etc etc...

So anyways, hating being a male is not a requisite of the trans identity, I learned that after a lot of denial and doubts. I know all of us were fed this idea of "all trans women are women who feel trapped in the wrong body" and since some of us don't really feel like that, it brings a lot of confusion and denial. But you'll learn that that definition just isn't true for A LOT of transgender people. Just browse through the forum and read everyone's experiences.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 03, 2017, 08:14:13 PM
I never hated being a male or my body either. But I just had these intense feelings of being a woman and how it would all be easier and make more sense that way. One of the rituals I did (and still do) was to look at famous women and imagine how my life would be if I looked like any of them. One week I would fantasize about looking like Megan Fox, next like Lindsay Lohan, etc etc...

So anyways, hating being a male is not a requisite of the trans identity, I learned that after a lot of denial and doubts. I know all of us were fed this idea of "all trans woman are women who feel trapped in the wrong body" and since some of us don't really feel like that, it brings a lot of confusion and denial. But you'll learn that that definition just isn't true for A LOT of transgender people. Just browse through the forum and read everyone's experiences.

Actually you are confusing me. I always thought being trans was being unhappy with your gender assigned at birth.

Quote from: Complete on October 03, 2017, 09:52:24 PM
Actually you are confusing me. I always thought being trans was being unhappy with your gender assigned at birth.

You are right. But that unhappiness doesn't always come from your body, remember that gender is in our brains, and sex is in our bodies...Some people hate their genitals, some people hate the way they look, others don't (hence the non-op trans people), others don't dislike that as much as they like what's on the other side, others just dislike the role they "have" to play. We are all different. So it's not about hating one's body per se in every case, it's about wanting to be different for whatever reason.

I want to look and feel more feminine because it's what my mind has been telling me for the past 10 years, but not because I have an urgency to get rid of my penis. If that urgency ever shows up, then I'll deal with it but it hasn't so far.

Ok. So l am really not getting what you are saying but if that works for you, great.

We don't always experience dysphoria the same way. Some people want their bottom corrected, some are uncomfortable with their appearance in the mirror and some are uncomfortable with their social role in life. I think it's common to have more than one type of dysphoria and while mine was primally social, I also had bottom dysphoria. You can see the difference because some people push for RLE first, and other want FFS as their first surgery while other go for GCS as soon as possible.

Quote from: Dena on October 03, 2017, 11:08:34 PM
We don't always experience dysphoria the same way. Some people want their bottom corrected, some are uncomfortable with their appearance in the mirror and some are uncomfortable with their social role in life. I think it's common to have more than one type of dysphoria and while mine was primally social, I also had bottom dysphoria. You can see the difference because some people push for RLE first, and other want FFS as their first surgery while other go for GCS as soon as possible.

Thanks Dena, you explained it way better than I did. My dysphoria comes from my social role in life mostly.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 04, 2017, 12:58:45 AM
Thanks Dena, you explained it way better than I did. My dysphoria comes from my social role in life mostly.

I cannot disagree with you or Dena. All those disparate conditions exist within the spectrum and therein lies the rub. What effects or bothers you does not sound like what is troubling the OP. Not everyone fits into the same pot which is why so little help is available to those suffering from a wide array of different conditions.  To suggest therapy seems to be the default solution. In many cases that might help but ultimately it is up to the individual to understand who they are and wherethey are going.