I'm still thinking about becoming Bari Jo all the time.  It's taking forever of course, but I'll bide my time.  One thing I'm finding myself being sensitive to is pronouns now.  I hear sir and dude and I cringe a little.  What makes me cringe a lot though is when I do it myself.  I've been doing it when I talk to my dog.  So I've started using the opposite.  I know this is going to get in trouble but find I have to do it, as me referring to Fanta as his daddy is making me sad.  So I'm his mommy, and it makes me giddy to hear myself say it.

So I think I should probably keep this to myself and Fanta till I start presenting.  It'll only confuse the neighbors, coworkers, etc.  It feels great though!

Bari Jo

If you're not out/explicit or presenting, no one would necessarily have any cues to gender you female.  So, while you might prefer it, it would be hard to fault the public for not reading your mind.

Quote from: rmaddy on October 06, 2017, 10:41:09 PM
If you're not out/explicit or presenting, no one would necessarily have any cues to gender you female.  So, while you might prefer it, it would be hard to fault the public for not reading your mind.

Oh, you misunderstand, I'm not mad or faulting anybody, just describing the feeling of hearing it currently, and before presenting.  Hence using mommy early with my Fanta.

Hearing the correct pronouns can sound like music to ones ears.  In one moment it is validation, acceptance, identity....it some cases it's more of an impact than ones name.  Names can be legally changed and someone forced onto the population, but pronouns used freely and willingly are like gold. 

I understand how even using it yourself is nice and rewarding.  Keep at it....when it's comfortable and habitual for you then you might be ready for the next step!

For me - there is a big definite switch between my male and female persona. It's my presentation. If I wear a dress (or blouse + skirt combo), have make up on my face (even minimal - lipstick), then I remove all my male inhibitions and expect not to be called sir. And when I am not doing it, there are no traces or hints of my feminine side, no slightest androgynity. I hate when someone calls me sir then (mostly - because it's so formal and I am neither in a position of power, nor that old), but not against less formal 'dude', 'man', 'mister', etc.


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Quote from: Bari Jo on October 06, 2017, 10:04:25 PM
I'm still thinking about becoming Bari Jo all the time.  It's taking forever of course, but I'll bide my time.  One thing I'm finding myself being sensitive to is pronouns now.  I hear sir and dude and I cringe a little.  What makes me cringe a lot though is when I do it myself.  I've been doing it when I talk to my dog.  So I've started using the opposite.  I know this is going to get in trouble but find I have to do it, as me referring to Fanta as his daddy is making me sad.  So I'm his mommy, and it makes me giddy to hear myself say it.

So I think I should probably keep this to myself and Fanta till I start presenting.  It'll only confuse the neighbors, coworkers, etc.  It feels great though!

Bari Jo

Once you do present as yourself expect mistakes and having to correct people. As infuriating as being misgendered can be, it does take a little bit of time for people to get used to your new name and pronouns. My dad kept using my boy name and even though I knew he didn't do it on purpose I got upset. I told him he wasn't trying. So to show me what it was like from his side he told me I had to call him Jack. That is his name but to me he's always been dad. After slipping several times and calling him dad I did realize it wasn't as easy as I thought it should be.

I sympathize with you about hating the wrong pronouns. I hated it when my dad would say "young man" which he did when he was bitching at me for something I did. Which is crazy in itself because I was a delightful child and never did bad things. And I would just cringe when my brother and his muscleheaded friends called me "little dude"  no,no,no! My brother finally noticed I didn't like it and told me I shouldn't get upset and that I WAS little. He thought it was the little that upset me when it was being called a dude that I hated. Lol

When I started presenting full time it was amazing when people would get it right.

I'm starting to notice, women seem to get it right all the time, men either don't gender me or call me "mate" which is a generic Aussie response that can be used for either sex.

It sucks to hear the wrong name/pronouns like you I started by referring to my new self with my cats & also my wife, I found it really hard to be Mara at home and Tynan when I was out, and I think that contributed significantly to me deciding to just come out so that I could just be Mara all the time.
I hated having to still be a man publicly once I started to see who I really was.

-Mara


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Quote from: Tammy Jade on October 07, 2017, 02:16:56 PM
When I started presenting full time it was amazing when people would get it right.

I'm starting to notice, women seem to get it right all the time, men either don't gender me or call me "mate" which is a generic Aussie response that can be used for either sex.


-Mara
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Hi Mara

I think I hate being called "mate" by another male almost as much as I hate being misgendered...it is the way it is said...my father calls me mate like he has all his life but as one male would to another...I just hate it....I also have a girlfriend who calls me mate but she does it much differently....I am not sure how to quantify the difference other than inflection and tone.

I've been very patient with my transition and only started to present female, both in public and in private, after I started to be gendered female on the street. For a time I was only an effeminate boy that was confused for a girl.

Quote from: ElizabethK on October 08, 2017, 07:36:36 AM
Hi Mara

I think I hate being called "mate" by another male almost as much as I hate being misgendered...it is the way it is said...my father calls me mate like he has all his life but as one male would to another...I just hate it....I also have a girlfriend who calls me mate but she does it much differently....I am not sure how to quantify the difference other than inflection and tone.

I've noticed that with Tristan.  He calls other guys mate wheras my brother and his friends call each other dude or bro .Mate sounds better.  When I hear a guy repeatedly saying dude and bro in my mind his intelligence drops with each dude or bro. It sounds stupid.

Quote from: ElizabethK on October 08, 2017, 07:36:36 AM
Hi Mara

I think I hate being called "mate" by another male almost as much as I hate being misgendered...it is the way it is said...my father calls me mate like he has all his life but as one male would to another...I just hate it....I also have a girlfriend who calls me mate but she does it much differently....I am not sure how to quantify the difference other than inflection and tone.

I know what you mean, inflection really makes a huge difference. Working in a trade, I initially wasn't a huge fan of mate but after working with a cis girl recently and seeing her constantly called mate I accepted it.

I have noticed that people tend to say "mate" differently for women and men but like you said it's hard to quantify.

I also dislike when anyone calls me "mate", "bro", "dude"...it just seems off for me.

I think all of you are right!!! When I heard my first ma'am from work I was so elated and over the moon. It still makes me very happy to hear people say it now too. I love when people use the right pronouns and name. I cringe when I get misgendered and not addressed like I want in public, but I know they don't mean it. I have some that correct themselves and yes like said before women get it much more right than men. Men get confused. I have also come to the conclusion I must give people time to get used to it. So decide for yourself when the time is right and let people know it is okay to ask of people to refer to you as your new name and new pronouns. I sometimes jokingly correct my co-workers who are very supportive and encouraging to me. It has made a world of difference having people just willing to support me at all the phases of my change. So keep up telling yourself who you are and refer to yourself as yourself. It starts with you and then others. Good luck!!!!

Quote from: Julia1996 on October 08, 2017, 08:27:30 AM
I've noticed that with Tristan.  He calls other guys mate wheras my brother and his friends call each other dude or bro .Mate sounds better.  When I hear a guy repeatedly saying dude and bro in my mind his intelligence drops with each dude or bro. It sounds stupid.

Aren't you stereotyping and interposing your thoughts of your brother and your boyfriend on other people who might just have a different background?

But we are all guilty of that, though

Quote from: elkie-t on October 08, 2017, 09:28:25 PM
Aren't you stereotyping and interposing your thoughts of your brother and your boyfriend on other people who might just have a different background?

But we are all guilty of that, though

No, I wasnt stereo typing them. Tristan is Australian and Mate is the word he uses.  My brother is American and he uses dude and bro.

I've noticed that the pronouns are taking longer.  I've been out at work for 2 months now.  They're getting the name right like 99% but pretty sporadic on the pronouns still.

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