I have been thinking a lot about trans people (in my case M to F) who have been together or married a lengthy time, who come out and transition. Suddenly, if you strictly think only of the idea of two female bodied  people in a relationship, one might say it is a straight relationship that became a lesbian relationship. Now, I can only imagine how this would make many an SO feel. I mean they didn't transform, their partner did, and now they might suddenly socially have the label of lesbian. I know my partner doesn't think of herself as a lesbian and to be truthful, I don't know that I do either. After all, we lived in a straight world for so long, we have never experienced any type of lesbian culture, so does that label really describe what we have together? I remember an SO at a trans conference in Philly stand up and say that she described herself as a "situational lesbian," a straight woman with a wife(trans female). I kind of feel like there should be something called a "renegotiated marriage or relationship." In reality, I didn't really write this to focus on the labels. In the trans community, they can be confusing, even divisive. I do think that it is worth considering the feelings of a significant other coming to terms with a very unusual, life changing event. When an SO is struggling to adjust to a new paradigm, a lot of times there is at least some anger, perhaps a lot. I guess I think it fair that they have control of their own identities. We trans folk on Susan's should be sensitive to any SO's who visit the site to ensure they see it as a safe and welcoming place. (Just a disclaimer that no lesbians were harmed in the making of this thread, or, in other words, I mean no disrespect to them in the writing of this. Also, didn't mean to exclude F to M situations. It was just easier to write this way.)
Moni

I think I mentioned in a PP that this was a big issue for my SO(Wife) and a subject of many many discussions, She doesn't want to be thought of as a lesbian although she has no problem going out with me as a female. Still trying to figure this out although we're feeling our way forward a bit at a time.

Leslie

SOs are a protected species on this site. I attempt to get the SO label on the accounts as soon as it's clear that's the reason why they are here. This allows the moderators to spot them and give them additional protection if needed. It's also there so we allow them more room when they need to vent. SOs can post things that would get a regular member of the site smited or banned. We expect other members to respect the problems a SO is dealing with and behave accordingly otherwise we will do whatever is needed to protect a SO. It's possible for a SO to become abusive but so far I haven't seen that.

If you are unable to accept what a SO is posting, it would be best if you don't post on the thread and allow others to deal with it. If you think a SO is out of line, use the report button and let the staff decide.

I ID as a lesbian, but I dated a straight woman for some time. She described herself as a straight woman who just happened to fall in love with another woman..

For my wife it it is totally messed up since she is also MTF, 30 some years post op and us together for almost 40 years with her knowing and I believing I am "Just a CD" since about day 1. She self describes as an avowed sexist, So I am CONSTANTLY called upon  to exercise my "Male Privilege" to help her.  I have never made any "Typical" male demands of her.
(Aside - she has been living with chronic pain for some ... 20 years now?)

My dropping the T-Bomb came as a total shock to her. In the past.... One of my many trans ironies is.... ALL my past lovers were.... "impressed" between size, ability, agility, and concern for them... especially at the 50 minute mark. About the closest we came ever came to "Lesbian" sex was her taking advantage of my deep fantasy of being the woman... only to bring things to a conclusion.

In real life, today.... well chronic pain still rules the day. Sex is a mind exercise. And of course.... She is still a sexist. loves what men have and can make her feel.  As an old dinosaur, 8 years of HRT, and shifts and confusion over my real sexual desires

Are we both some weird trans? Straight? Lez? Poly? Asexual? (Reality)

For sure, we love eachother

Thank you so much Moni for these great words. The "lesbian label" has been one of the biggest struggles for my wife and I will share your comment with her.

Quote from: HappyMoni on October 14, 2017, 06:34:36 PM
I have been thinking a lot about trans people (in my case M to F) who have been together or married a lengthy time, who come out and transition. Suddenly, if you strictly think only of the idea of two female bodied  people in a relationship, one might say it is a straight relationship that became a lesbian relationship. Now, I can only imagine how this would make many an SO feel. I mean they didn't transform, their partner did, and now they might suddenly socially have the label of lesbian. I know my partner doesn't think of herself as a lesbian and to be truthful, I don't know that I do either. After all, we lived in a straight world for so long, we have never experienced any type of lesbian culture, so does that label really describe what we have together? I remember an SO at a trans conference in Philly stand up and say that she described herself as a "situational lesbian," a straight woman with a wife(trans female). I kind of feel like there should be something called a "renegotiated marriage or relationship." In reality, I didn't really write this to focus on the labels. In the trans community, they can be confusing, even divisive. I do think that it is worth considering the feelings of a significant other coming to terms with a very unusual, life changing event. When an SO is struggling to adjust to a new paradigm, a lot of times there is at least some anger, perhaps a lot. I guess I think it fair that they have control of their own identities. We trans folk on Susan's should be sensitive to any SO's who visit the site to ensure they see it as a safe and welcoming place. (Just a disclaimer that no lesbians were harmed in the making of this thread, or, in other words, I mean no disrespect to them in the writing of this. Also, didn't mean to exclude F to M situations. It was just easier to write this way.)
Moni

I've been following the various discussions with interest and although I'm a bit too under the weather to make any major statements I will make some anyway.

Any SO who feels in any way upset or disparaged by any remark can hit the report to Moderator button (Lower right of the post). My staff are under very clear instruction that SO's are protected and special and their interests, grief and concerns are to be dealt with in complete understanding. The 'usual' rules do not apply in the SO section.

If anyone has a concern that they may have been or are treated unfairly let me know directly at cindy@susans.org and I can assure you of my attention.

As to my situation. I am married to another woman and very happily. When I transitioned she had total control over how she wished to address the terminology. She began by referring to me as her husband and then as her partner.
As she lives in full-time care it was important to both of us on how her carers addressed us both and accepted us both, at least in public. With one exception when a staff member referred to me as a Gay man, which resulted in my wife exploding in anger with 'He isn't Gay, she is a woman!' the staff have had no issues at all in accepting either our relationship nor my transitioning into me.

In August we celebrated our 35th Wedding Anniversary, which considering the trials and tribulations visited upon us both is a testament to our Love. As I could not speak, my partner gave the address and raised a toast to 'Rebecca and Cindy celebrating 35 years as wife and wife'

In our case the Love has stayed strong, the relationship has changed and strengthened and the terminology has adapted.

    Congrats to all the other couples out there succeeding at maintaining a marriage or long term relationship while dealing with gender identity issues. I was fortunate that my wife identified as bisexual with a preference for women before we ever got together. My M2F TG status is what got her interested in me in the first place. So my transitioning or not didn't affect how she categorized or labeled herself. She has a pretty good altruism on the subject. "Just because a woman marries a man, it doesn't mean she's straight. Just because she marries a woman, it doesn't make her a lesbian. Either one could identify as bisexual or pan-sexual, or she could avoid labels altogether and just refer to herself as your wife. " A lot of people forget that there are more sexualities out there than just Straight, Gay, or Lesbian, and that even within those there is a broad spectrum of just how much (% maybe) of one or the other they are. We hate being mislabeled ourselves (misgendering etc.) so there is no excuses for doing it to our spouses or SO's, or not respecting their wishes enough to correct others according to their preferences. The same goes for those of both genders who are romantically involved with a F2M. If your spouse/SO supports you in your transition, even as much as merely not deserting you, you owe it to them to take their needs into account as well. Stay Safe.

HUGS!