Hi everyone. So I'm at work and one of the guys I work with is with a client and I notice her really staring at me and talking about me with him. It made me uncomfortable but I tried to ignore her. So, after she's done she walks over to me and she says " I just wanted to say that you're beautiful and I would never have guessed you were a boy if Steven hadn't told me".  I literally was speechless! I asked Steven why he told her I was trans and had she asked him if I was. He said no, she didn't ask, that she was talking about how unique looking I am and he told her I was also trans. He absolutely thought he did nothing wrong and told me he didn't think I would care and that I look amazing and should be proud I'm trans. That makes me furious! I told him it wasn't his place to discuss my gender with anyone.

The funny thing is that people, mostly women, always ask me if he's gay because he's masculine and pretty much is like any guy except he sleeps with guys. But my answer is always " I really don't know.  You would have to ask him". I would NEVER talk about someone's gender or sexual orientation to others. That's just messed up! Even after he ### outed me I still would never do that to him! I could just smack him. It makes it worse because he honestly doesn't think he did anything bad but he knows I'm pissed off and keeps apologizing. I don't know if I should tell my boss or not. I need to make sure Steven never outs me again but my boss takes this kind of thing seriously and he might fire Steven. I'm totally pissed off at him but I would hate to be responsible for him losing his job.

I know what Steven did is wrong but now he knows how you feel and has apologised.  I wouldn't complain to the boss unless he did it again. 

I'm really sorry to hear that Julia.  He well and truly crossed the line although from what you have said, whilst particularly stupid it doesn't sound like there was any animosity behind it.  I don't know why so many people seem unable to engage their brains before they speak

Judging by all that apologising I guess he has realised what he did was completely wrong and I suspect he will learn from it.  I'd probably only take it further if he has ever done something like this before or should ever do anything like this again

Hi Julia,

  I too, will join the band wagon and give him the benefit of doubt this time. If you feel you must do something you could mention to your boss that an incident had happened but not mention names if that is possibly. That may result in a warning to employees in general and he WILL get the point then.
  It is regrettable that this did happen to what I perceive to be such a sweet girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Hi Julia,

I can only imagine how much this hurts but as you said he didn't do it out of malice.  I can sort of understand what happened.  He's oblivious to the negative side of this and just thinks you should be very proud of who you are.

When I was younger I had a friend who was Sikh and he had a traditional Sikh first name, which I had called him for years.  At one point he changed his first name to a traditional english name.  I understand now, he didn't want to deal with the racism that came with his name but I was oblivious and used his old name in a group that was unaware because I saw nothing wrong with the old name.  They immediately looked at him differently, like he had been hiding something from them.  Looking back I realize how stupid that was on my part.  I should never have done it and regret it to this day.

It took me a while to really figure out how badly I had screwed up.  I wish my friend had explained to me the situation.  I never wanted to hurt him.

If you can forgive him, you might think about sitting down with him over a coffee and explain exactly why you were so upset.  I think you have an ally that just did something stupid.

Take care,
Paige

My girlfriend has done this to me several times. She's very open about her personal life and when she talks about our relationship she always makes sure to mention that I'm trans. Many of my other friends would do this too. I guess the mentality is that in 2017 no one should care what you are so why hide it...? I've recently come out and said that I don't want that information spread around anymore and they're on board with it.

I wouldn't take it too personally. I think he genuinely thought what he did was okay. From now on, though, boundaries need to be set, and if he does it again, well, then he's outright disrespecting your feelings... but for now, hopefully, he learns from this misstep and doesn't let that stuff slip out anymore.

I think it was just the typical not thinking before speaking issue as well.  You have every right to be angry, but I don't think it was meant with any malice.  Maybe he knows another transgender person who is exceptionally open about it, and thought that we all feel that way?  Just a thought

I doubt there was any ill will on his part just stupidity and lack of thought before he opened his mouth. I would forgive but not forget I wouldn't report to management but then You have more of an insight as to who he is and potentially why he said it as you know him.