It's so hard. All my fears come true not looking like Peter Steele, not moving in with my mom, never transitioning young, etc..
I thought life was getting better..
All these are coming true..
I hate it
I hate it
Living with my dad and step mom is making it worse.
I hate this.

Quote from: PeterSteele on October 30, 2017, 08:10:58 PM
It's so hard. All my fears come true not looking like Peter Steele, not moving in with my mom, never transitioning young, etc..
I thought life was getting better..
All these are coming true..
I hate it
I hate it
Living with my dad and step mom is making it worse.
I hate this.

I'm not sure why the looking EXACTLY like Peter Steele is so important... from what I understand that's not the point of transitioning and should not be the end all be all of it.

This isn't something you undergo to look like your dream self. This isn't creating an avatar in a video game. This is changing your sex. That's it. And yes, having celebrities you look up to and want to emulate is normal, but my going through with transition was never contingent on my looking like Winona Ryder or Felicia Day. Sure, that would have been super nice, but I share none of their traits genetically and I was born male, so my bone structure is just a teensy bit different. But it's not the end of the world because it means I get to be a totally unique person. I get to be MYSELF.

And as far as transitioning young goes... well, it sucks. I started at 20. Would it have been nice to start at 15 or 14? Absolutely. But did things play out that way? Nope. But understand, it really is not the end of the world. You'll be an adult soon enough and able to take matters in your own hands, and given that you're FTM, you have far less to lose from puberty than someone who is MTF would. Your voice is gonna drop. You're gonna develop facial/body hair. Passing shouldn't be an issue.

Also, you're a teenager. Of course everything is huge and scary right now. You're talking to someone who's been through it. I've seen a lot of stuff in that time of my life. I was hospitalized three times, had my parents throw away all the things they thought had demonic influence over me, got sucked into typical high school drama, dated a bunch of people/broke up with a bunch of people, struggled with sexuality/identity. It was absolute hell. But I survived. Somehow, I survived. I knew at that time my parents would never be receptive to my transitioning, not while I was still a minor. When I finally reached adulthood, that all changed. I broke free of that toxic environment and was able to do what I needed for myself.

This isn't what you want to hear. I'm sure you're looking for some escape hatch to the place where you can transition now and look like Peter Steele and live happily ever after... but that doesn't exist, sadly. Part of being an adult is accepting the hard truths, but never giving up hope that a silver lining can still be found DESPITE all the crap life has to throw at you.

Take this time to reevaluate your reasons for transitioning. It should not be to look like someone you are not, and it should not be a way of becoming someone you are not. You will be you no matter what is done to your body. The person inside, the real essence of yourself, stays, and if that's who you truly hate, a change of sex is not going to change that person too.

Tough pill to swallow, but I care too much to be soft about this.

Sit back, take a few deep breaths, do something you enjoy, and think about getting a therapist. Find a way to fight the anxiety now. To fight that itching-scratching feeling you get about all the things you can't control at the moment. Your life won't end if you don't transition right now, and you should NEVER EVER EVER end your own life because you can't transition right now. I don't care how awful you feel... DON'T DO IT. It's not worth it. Not when there is still a chance to transition in the future. Look towards that, not the distance the lies between.

Like you, I knew when I was young at age 13. The internet didn't exist and there was nobody I could talk to about it. I suspected the news might not be received well and there was only one place I knew of treating us on the other side of the country. My only option was to keep it totally to myself and wait until I was an adult. Many nights I laid there depressed waiting for exhaustion to bring me sleep. When I came out at 23, I was out of college and working so I figured If the worst came, I could support myself. About four years of therapy and relocating almost 400 miles from home and I was finally able to start HRT. I lost a job which ate up my savings so it was another 4 years before I had surgery at 30.

Others on the site have fought with this for 20 or 30 years more than I did before they were able to transition. You have the option of complaining about the difficulty you face or starting your future. You could start exploring the path your life will take to get the job that will make your future happen. FTMax talked about facing similar issues and delaying the transition until after completing college. It is difficult but knowing it will happen, how it will happen and when it will happen gives you hope for the future.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, Peter.  Has a court denied your mom custody already, or has something else happened? 

Quote from: Dena on October 30, 2017, 09:44:07 PM
Like you, I knew when I was young at age 13. The internet didn't exist and there was nobody I could talk to about it. I suspected the news might not be received well and there was only one place I knew of treating us on the other side of the country. My only option was to keep it totally to myself and wait until I was an adult. Many nights I laid there depressed waiting for exhaustion to bring me sleep. When I came out at 23, I was out of college and working so I figured If the worst came, I could support myself. About four years of therapy and relocating almost 400 miles from home and I was finally able to start HRT. I lost a job which ate up my savings so it was another 4 years before I had surgery at 30.

Others on the site have fought with this for 20 or 30 years more than I did before they were able to transition. You have the option of complaining about the difficulty you face or starting your future. You could start exploring the path your life will take to get the job that will make your future happen. FTMax talked about facing similar issues and delaying the transition until after completing college. It is difficult but knowing it will happen, how it will happen and when it will happen gives you hope for the future.

Thank you so much. I'm honestly just afraid I will start too late to have any growth and any bigger changes. I know my issue probably isn't as bad as someone having to wait like 20 or more years to finally transition. I'm just honestly afraid though.

Quote from: The Flying Lemur on October 30, 2017, 10:26:43 PM
I'm really sorry that you're going through this, Peter.  Has a court denied your mom custody already, or has something else happened?

There was nothing in court that happened when I first moved in. They made my grandfather as my guardian though because, my dad and step mom didn't trust her. SInce that first time went terrible because, I was only 12 and almsot 13 and I was getting in trouble and was immature. Now I am older and understand, my grandfather,dad, and step mom don't believe me. I want to leave this place. I hate it. I have no good adults to talk to cause my school doesn't like me at all cause I was immature last year and the year before. No one believes me. I just want to be with my mom. She supports me and lets me dress in boy clothes and calls me Peter.. I can't atop crying and can hardly take this anymore..

Quote from: PeterSteele on October 30, 2017, 08:10:58 PM
It's so hard. All my fears come true not looking like Peter Steele, not moving in with my mom, never transitioning young, etc..

Im sorry you're having a hard time.  This stuff is rarely easy.

That being said, you're still pretty young.  Keep in mind that some people transition quite late, and still feel good.  Its never too late really. I only started at 34.

Do I wish I started earlier?? Of course.
But instead of regretting it or complaining about that,  I just remind myself that at least in this day and age, we actually get to transition at all.   Think of all the hundreds of thousands of people before us, that never had that opportunity.


Also, I agree with Allie about the Peter Steele thing. 

Transitioning isn't about turning yourself into an avatar, or a dream version of yourself.
That's a quick road to dissappointment for sure. 

For instance, I wanna look like Zoey Deschanel, but I know damn well that's not gonna happen.
But if I kept obsessing over the fact that I don't, I'd drive myself crazy.

All we can ever be is ourselves, and the quicker we accept that, the easier stuff becomes.

As for the family stuff, I can't really comment.  Sounds like hell, and you're still young and under their care, which kinda sucks, but it too will pass.  Eventually you will get to live the life you dream of.  I promise.

Transitioning is not looking like someone else but rather looking like you. Feeling comfortable in your own body and living as the gender you are meant to live.

If you are trying to take on the persona of someone else is it not just another act that you are living out. Don't wish to be someone else just do you. Be you. I think life needs a person like you unique in its own way and unique in the way you look.

Just ignore this post. These comments have honestly got me very far on the verge of doing something terrible. Anyways, ignore all this. It doesn't matter. You don't understand cause I didn't explain myself.
I might just quit this site.
Goodbye.

Quote from: PeterSteele on October 31, 2017, 09:23:33 PM
Just ignore this post. These comments have honestly got me very far on the verge of doing something terrible. Anyways, ignore all this. It doesn't matter. You don't understand cause I didn't explain myself.
I might just quit this site.
Goodbye.

If you're still here, please explain. Obviously there is something here we're missing.

None of this is said to put you down, but rather look at things realistically and figure out what can be controlled in the moment, which, right now, is what you choose to do with these feelings.

If you feel you are a threat to yourself or others, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. I say again, any terrible thing you do now is not worth losing what you'll have in the future.