So, with all the news about the transgender ban being blocked, I decided to ask my dad what he thought about it.  He was career military, 32 years in, retired full bird from the army.  He actually said, "those people are only taking advantage of the free healthcare"  Then he corrected himself, saying "I have no problem with those people"  obviously he doesn't think I'm one of "those people", but damn, it sounded so permanent, like he doesn't even remember my childhood.  I'm wondering if I should just come out to my sister and let him believe he has a son till he dies.  He's 88 BTW.

I'm super bummed.  I was thinking I'd have support from my immediate family, now I don't think all of them.

Bari Jo

Well, maybe I can give you some hope with this... My dad is 73, so a little younger but still that same generation. (Also ex-military btw.) And despite what I eventually learned was his own experiences, more than a few times I heard him make some rather flippant and dismissive comments, particularly in the political discussion of these sorts of issues. Nothing outright hateful by any means, or else my fears coming out to him would have been quite a bit more extreme. But certainly eye roll inducing from the more outright progressive people in the vicinity. The truth is, that unfiltered "those people" type statements are just part and parcel for the age group. It isn't inherently indicative of hate, and it doesn't mean that when he is confronted with your issues he will do anything but accept you. That he said the second part is very important, since it does speak to more of a lapse in political correctness (though the first part certainly shows a lack of education on the issue, but that is quite correctable).

I talked about this to a friend locally and she reminded me about my sister.  Assuming my sister is supportive, then she could pave a way for me to come out to him that might work better than me on my own.

Ellie, you are right about this generation.  I'm thinking my dad is closer to Julia's grandfather than your father in terms of attitude though.  He's said some crazy stuff before that makes me want to immediately say to those around us, he's not with me.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on October 31, 2017, 07:38:15 AM
I talked about this to a friend locally and she reminded me about my sister.  Assuming my sister is supportive, then she could pave a way for me to come out to him that might work better than me on my own.

Ellie, you are right about this generation.  I'm thinking my dad is closer to Julia's grandfather than your father in terms of attitude though.  He's said some crazy stuff before that makes me want to immediately say to those around us, he's not with me.

Bari Jo

Oh god, I totally hope your dad isn't as bad as my grandpa! I pretty much won't go anyplace with him because he can totally be embarrassing!  Maybe it is his generation as was suggested. That combined with the fact that he's just plain mean and very prejudiced. He has derogatory names for every minority and people from different cultures. It can't really be blamed on senility either. My grandpa is 62. Old yes, but not elderly. He doesn't suffer from dementia in any form though I have pretended he was senile to others when has embarrassed me in public. He calls any one who is LGBT "queers". Though he calls lesbians "flop ears" .  I have no clue what it's supposed to mean. And OMG you should have heard the things he said about Caitlin Jenner when she came out as trans! Really nasty stuff. But he does not ever misgender me or use my old name. Not that he accepts trans people, he doesn't,  but his attitude seems to be " I think those people are deviants, but since you're family and one of those people, I will accept you".  Of course that means he now treats me like he treats all women. Like an idiot who's only purpose in life is to cater to men, but it's still better than him treating me as a guy. So there is hope for your dad to accept you.

Quote from: Julia1996 on October 31, 2017, 08:19:05 AM
Oh god, I totally hope your dad isn't as bad as my grandpa! I pretty much won't go anyplace with him because he can totally be embarrassing!  Maybe it is his generation as was suggested. That combined with the fact that he's just plain mean and very prejudiced. He has derogatory names for every minority and people from different cultures. It can't really be blamed on senility either. My grandpa is 62. Old yes, but not elderly. He doesn't suffer from dementia in any form though I have pretended he was senile to others when has embarrassed me in public. He calls any one who is LGBT "queers". Though he calls lesbians "flop ears" .  I have no clue what it's supposed to mean. And OMG you should have heard the things he said about Caitlin Jenner when she came out as trans! Really nasty stuff. But he does not ever misgender me or use my old name. Not that he accepts trans people, he doesn't,  but his attitude seems to be " I think those people are deviants, but since you're family and one of those people, I will accept you".  Of course that means he now treats me like he treats all women. Like an idiot who's only purpose in life is to cater to men, but it's still better than him treating me as a guy. So there is hope for your dad to accept you.

62 isn't old.


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Quote from: Julia1996 on October 31, 2017, 08:19:05 AM
his attitude seems to be " I think those people are deviants, but since you're family and one of those people, I will accept you".

I wasn't thinking of this.  Yes my dad still might accept me, like your grandpa did.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Gertrude on October 31, 2017, 08:30:23 AM
62 isn't old.


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No it's not really. But my grandparents ACT old so I can't help but think of them as old. The lady next door is in her 80s and she doesn't act as old as they do in their early 60s!

Quote from: Julia1996 on October 31, 2017, 09:39:03 AM
No it's not really. But my grandparents ACT old so I can't help but think of them as old. The lady next door is in her 80s and she doesn't act as old as they do in their early 60s!

The reason I say that is that I'm 55. I think getting married older and therefore having kids older has kept me young.


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My father-in-law is 93.  He is a WWII vet and expresses attitudes typical of his generation.  I don't recall a specific instance, but referring to LGBT folks as "those people" is just they way they talk. 

When I came out to my in-laws, they were both as nice as one could be.  They got my name right within minutes, and only had a few slip-ups with pronouns.  We had worried about how they might take my news and had considered not even telling them.  Yet we needn't have worried.

My mother-in-law has since passed on, but my father-in-law makes a point of addressing me as Kathy when I answer the phone.

Sometimes family will surprise you.

I need to preface this story by mentioning that it contains a transphobic slur that may be triggering. Proceed with caution.


A few weeks before I came out, my mum was telling a story about a show she watched in Vegas, Menopause the Musical. One of the lead roles in the play was played by a trans woman. Upon hearing this, my father said "What would she... no, it know about menopause..." I felt slapped in the face, and left their house almost immediately. I cried the whole way home and for hours after. I thought then and there that he would never accept me.

Fast forward a few years, and after an admittedly rocky start, my dad is still in my life, and using my name and pronouns. There is this tendency, especially among older cishet white dudes, to hate in the abstract. They experience a kind of empathy gap, and it takes a personal experience to close that gap. It doesn't work for everyone, some people are bound and determined to hate until they die of it, but it's worth giving people the initial chance, if that chance can be given without undue risk to yourself.

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Thanks everyone, you have given me more perspective.  I think I shouldn't worry at much.  I'll still come out to my sister first and go from there.  My father will be living near me for the next six months, so we will be doing things together weekly.  I will have plenty of time with him to decide.

Bari Jo

So a few things have happened since revisiting this topic.  One is, I've come out to my sister and she's the most amazing supporter and ally.  I'm in Tokyo till tomorrow and she just had a conversation with my dad about a friend of hers.  He asks how she was so my sister showed pictures of her and her kids.  One of which is trans.  My dad asked how they reacted to the daughter being trans, and she said we'll, even the father is with his macho background.  She then asked if my dad would be supportive of someone in our family was trans.  He said, of course, and asked if there is one.  Then she said, yes, me.  (meaning herself)  his mouth dropped and she said, no silly and they had a laugh.  Anyway, maybe he is open to accepting me.  Honestly over the past year with weight loss, wardrobe change, hrt, earings, and now sculpted eyebrows it's hard not to question it.

That conversation got me choked up.  I'm glad she's paving the way.

Bari Jo

 It sounds like you have one hell of an advocate for you Bari Jo. You best give her a big hug (a kiss on the cheek wouldn't hurt either).

Your sister is an uber ally, she gets the unicorn rainbow award with extra glitter sparkles!

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Quote from: Megan. on November 18, 2017, 01:07:28 AM
Your sister is an uber ally, she gets the unicorn rainbow award with extra glitter sparkles!

I second that.  You have an awesome sister, Bari Jo!

Bari Jo, I love reading your posts. It's like reading a good book that you can't skip to the end of because it hasn't been written yet.