Hey everyone, it's been a few months since I last posted and I wanted to give an update on how things have been going.
I started seeing a therapist about one month ago on a weekly basis. It has been nice to have someone to talk to openly about my feelings on a regular basis, and who I know I can talk about anything with. While they can't tell me whether or not I am trans, as that is something I have to decide for myself, I've definitely found it helpful, though it took a while to get past some of the basic info that I had already researched on my own.
I have reached a point where I know for certain that I am transgender. I've been feeling less and less in tune with being male and with men around me in my life, and I have been connecting better with many women and exploring feminine aspects of my life. I have purchased a few pieces of cheap clothing, including a few skirts, a dress, panties, a bra, and a tank top, which I routinely wear around the house and occasionally go out in at night when it is hard for others to recognize me. I am loving wearing these, and more and more I am finding myself wanting to wear them around others, not just in private. Presenting as male and wearing male clothing at work is becoming a little depressing.
This Halloween I made a big stride in wearing a female costume out and about. I dressed as the character Marceline from Adventure Time, wearing a stuffed bra, a women's tank top, jeans, panties, long silky gloves, a long wig, boots, and a hat. I wore the whole outfit both to a party and to work for a costume contest, as well as out and about on my way to and from work. It felt AMAZING to be in femme all day, especially having faux breasts. I was mistaken as a girl several times at work and a lot of the women I know said that I looked incredible in it, and that I looked like the female version of myself. I had so much more confidence than usual and found that any embarrassment was quickly swept aside. I even caught a few guys looking at me.
In contrast, today I felt awkward and unhappy at work by comparison. I got so used to having breasts and appearing female in just one day that going back was positively jarring and led me to be cranky and depressed all day. I had never really felt as sexy and confident as I did until yesterday, and now I realize that I don't want to go back.
I'm working on coming out to my parents soon, which I think will be ok as they loved the costume and were very supportive of it. I am starting to feel bad not telling them, as we have a very close relationship and share everything else. I'm realizing that I have gotten used to the pain and unhappiness that presenting as male brings me to the point that until now I just had accepted it as normal. Only after dressing in femme in public for a whole day do I see how I should be feeling and how awesome I can be when I'm at my best. I really do not want to live the rest of my life as an unhappy guy just to keep others from feeling uncomfortable, so I am planning to try going on hormones sometime within the next year. There are still a few things I want to do before I commit 100% just so I know where I feel about them, such as having sex as a male.
While I have good days and bad days, I am definitely starting to see myself as the woman I want to be instead of the man I thought I had to be. It's not easy and some days I want to cry from how messed up I feel inside, something I hope that HRT will help me be able to do again, but I know I am making progress.
