I used to masturbate a very unhealthy amount. Every session was always imagining I was the girl, often being brutalized. Most of the time they were penetrative to me also. After each session the guilt and shame would be there, so my only real joy was the act. I was addicted. Throughout the years I tried to replace my trans leaning with kink, mostly bdsm, heavy emphasis on sm. It didn't work, and I always still wanted to be the girl. Occasionally a partner would make me dress and perform on him as a girl. That gave me a high you wouldn't believe. When it was over though, as a man, the shame returns. One thing I learned from my bdsm days is you can't remove the trans beast. Instead you add all these new fetishes.
Natalie, if I never found a Mr Grey that understood that being the girl was the impt part. They thought playing the role was impt. Playing the role is what brings the shame cycle.
Anyway, to make a long story short, accepting myself did little to change my self abuse. Hrt on the other hand stopped it cold. I don't feel the need anymore. I feel cozy if that makes sense.
Bari Jo