Congrats on using your real photo, Ellie!  Very cute. 

Quote from: The Flying Lemur on November 09, 2017, 01:31:51 PM
Congrats on using your real photo, Ellie!  Very cute. 

Thanks!

It's such a selective shot that happened to get a good angle (my face is absolutely not that thin for one thing), but I'm still proud of it.

Quote from: Roll on November 09, 2017, 01:27:05 PM
Just got back from doing blood work. Good news on that front is I think medicaid is actually covering it (at least as long as they don't know what it's for, they don't seem to ask questions about blood work).

So yeah. Looking people in the eye and handing them a lab order for hormone levels was a new experience. I know there are other reasons to get those labs done, but I couldn't help but think the entire time they knew exactly what they were for. And it didn't bother me at all. The thought of walking into CVS to get the medicine... doesn't bother me at all. I'm bothered by everything, so why is this not bothering me in the slightest? (Though I'll probably do a mail order place for the meds regardless, as they are like 20 a month cheaper than CVS which is the only pharmacy anywhere near me.)

thankfully my bloodwork has been covered the 2 times I got it done, and it even had "gender dysphoria" listed right one the papers I gave them, which I was a little nervous about at first, but whatever. I have Excellus through work, and it's a private plan, which means they can decide what they include and what they don't. So far all my blood tests (2), therapy sessions (5ish?), and doctor's visits (3) have been covered, even though it says right in my plan that they don't cover anything "related to sex change". The only issue I've ran into so far is my prescriptions. The first time it was covered but then I went to get my first refills and the pharmacy told me that my insurance said they wouldn't cover it. thankfully Rite Aide has a prescription discount card that charges $9.99 for each med, so I pay like $20 each time I go in now instead of the $10 I would have paid if it was covered by my insurance.

I haven't had any odd encounters at the Rite Aide yet, everyone's been professional. I chose one that I never go to for anything else, it's all the way across town and I don't really know many people who live out that way, so I have little chance of running into anyone I know. The pharmacy is just a couple miles from the park that I go to almost every day, so it's not too far out of the way once I'm out and about

Quote from: Roll on November 09, 2017, 01:27:05 PM
Just got back from doing blood work. Good news on that front is I think medicaid is actually covering it (at least as long as they don't know what it's for, they don't seem to ask questions about blood work).

So yeah. Looking people in the eye and handing them a lab order for hormone levels was a new experience. I know there are other reasons to get those labs done, but I couldn't help but think the entire time they knew exactly what they were for. And it didn't bother me at all. The thought of walking into CVS to get the medicine... doesn't bother me at all. I'm bothered by everything, so why is this not bothering me in the slightest? (Though I'll probably do a mail order place for the meds regardless, as they are like 20 a month cheaper than CVS which is the only pharmacy anywhere near me.)

You're not bothered because you know you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's no different than anyone else getting labs or picking up a prescription.
I've mentioned before I was super-nervous when I first got my prescriptions (especially since they list my gender as female!), but I've never had any problems with it, even at walmart in my little town. Oh, the pharmacist gave me an odd look, but that could have been the result of a rough day at work.

Busy day! Just spoke to my hematologist, and he is 100% on board. He also said that he thinks if anything the hormones may help the platelet count which is in line with my musings I posted about a while back. I've really got to scale back my excitement or I'll have nowhere to go but down.

Quote from: Sarah_P on November 09, 2017, 05:58:34 PM
You're not bothered because you know you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's no different than anyone else getting labs or picking up a prescription.

I think my shame is mostly gone at this point, it's really quite astounding. I know it may creep back in, but for now I'm just not feeling it. Each time I come out to someone, each time I load up my appointment dressed female, each time I order new clothes it just gets easier and easier.

Random musing to end the post with: My butt looks really good in my jeggings.

Enjoy this time of feeling awesome Ellie.  That period of accepting yourself and making positive change is a fun time.  Eventually things will settle into a state of normality.  Not to mean that as a bad thing.  I rather enjoy living daily life and it still boggles me when I think of where I was when I started down this path.  You are in the fun and maddening phase of HURRY UP, NOW, ALL THE TRANSITION!  I am so happy for you.  Keep being awesome.

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Quote from: amberwaves on November 09, 2017, 07:38:56 PM
Enjoy this time of feeling awesome Ellie.  That period of accepting yourself and making positive change is a fun time.  Eventually things will settle into a state of normality.  Not to mean that as a bad thing.  I rather enjoy living daily life and it still boggles me when I think of where I was when I started down this path.  You are in the fun and maddening phase of HURRY UP, NOW, ALL THE TRANSITION!  I am so happy for you.  Keep being awesome.

<3

I love the normalcy I've reached with some things already. For instance, new clothes are always fun(never thought I'd be itching to go shopping so much), but it amazes me how fast they just become clothes. Cute clothes I prefer over my male ones by far, but just normal clothes nonetheless. I think it helps with accepting the fact that this isn't all some temporary fancy of fetish behavior or something like that. It also sort of feels like everything up until now has been the abnormal(which considering my history, really was), and the idea of just living in normalcy is extremely enticing.

Hey Ellie, your photo looks really nice.  I like it when I see people that use their actual photo, since this is sort of a virtual therapy group, I feel like I kind of actually know who some of you are.  I'll take my best shot some time here, don't know when I can do that (time/posts?) 
     The thing that really got me irritated with blood work was that little box marked "M".  I found that many caregivers, even some that say they have TG experience, look at the data based upon a normalcy chart defined by your legal gender.  After some time on hormones and work on my part, my body is NOT "M" from a chemical standpoint, or even physical any more.  When they pointed out that "this" and "this" were flagged, I showed that when they used the "F" chart for values, everything fell into a normal range.  How myopic, even a lot of those that think they know how to treat us don't really understand the magnitude of what's really going here.  FWIW, everyone should read the section on HRT in the guidelines on UCSF Transgender Care web site.  By far the most progressive and well founded suggestions for caregivers that I've seen.  The issue that I've just mentioned is recognized there.  Toni

Quote from: Toni on November 10, 2017, 09:28:56 AM
Hey Ellie, your photo looks really nice.  I like it when I see people that use their actual photo, since this is sort of a virtual therapy group, I feel like I kind of actually know who some of you are.  I'll take my best shot some time here, don't know when I can do that (time/posts?) 

Thanks!  I wish I looked like that reliably from all angles though, heheh.



For what it's worth, the above is a far more typical look. (Though the blonde wig is a nightmare to deal with so I mostly use my shorter brown one that matches my real hair.)

You should be able to upload an avatar now, I think it's just 15 posts.

Quote
     The thing that really got me irritated with blood work was that little box marked "M".  I found that many caregivers, even some that say they have TG experience, look at the data based upon a normalcy chart defined by your legal gender.  After some time on hormones and work on my part, my body is NOT "M" from a chemical standpoint, or even physical any more.  When they pointed out that "this" and "this" were flagged, I showed that when they used the "F" chart for values, everything fell into a normal range.  How myopic, even a lot of those that think they know how to treat us don't really understand the magnitude of what's really going here.  FWIW, everyone should read the section on HRT in the guidelines on UCSF Transgender Care web site.  By far the most progressive and well founded suggestions for caregivers that I've seen.  The issue that I've just mentioned is recognized there.  Toni

I'm going to have to make sure to mention this to my doctors, glad you mentioned that. My bloodwork is always scrutinized and I'd hate for them to be looking at the wrong numbers.

General thread commentary: So I got my skirt and some blouses in. I'm in love with the skirt! Pleated a-line, in fuchsia. Super classic girly. I don't have a top that goes with it very well, and so am wearing a black shoulder-less thing with some black tights under it which makes me look like I'm a 8 year old going to ballet. But you know what? I'll take it. I also definitely want to get a pencil skirt, when pulling the one I have taught it actually gives me a really good shape. If I can get rid of all my belly fat, I think my bone structure may actually lend to a bit of an hourglass effect as long as the ribcage doesn't create too much of a hanging skin effect even without the fat. Hopefully when I start HRT the weightloss will come out of there primarily and not too much off butt. On the blouse front, i love my floral pattern one. It was 4 bucks. FOUR BUCKS. I have never bought such a cheap article of clothing. Even a pack of socks is more than that. And while the stitches definitely pulled a bit getting it over my chest, it fits and feels great and is amazingly flattering. My white blouse I got to go with the skirt, not so much. It's soft, but hugs a little too tightly for my extra weight and ribcage. Plus it's basically see through. What's up with the see through shirts?

I like that picture Roll. You look very nice. Blonde hair definitely suits you.

Quote from: Julia1996 on November 10, 2017, 01:07:39 PM
I like that picture Roll. You look very nice. Blonde hair definitely suits you.

I posted it in the fabulous thread before, I really want to take an updated one with better makeup but I keep being lazy.

Staaaaaahp! Be ambitious. Show us makeup and the brown wig!

I love this show!

Ellie you are adorkable!  Don't be too concerned about body shape.  I hated my body and was always pudgy at a minimum.  I had a good frame to put muscle on, but never wanted to.  Now that I am dropping weight after being on hormones for a year I am discovering a very pleasant female figure underneath.  My shoulders are a bit broad and the ribcage a bit too big for my tastes, but others don't seem to notice or care.  I'm starting to get annoyed that I will soon have to replace most of my wardrobe.  You are going to do just fine girl!  The most important part is to focus on being an authentic and happy you.

Amber

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Quote from: katiekatt on November 10, 2017, 04:22:49 PM
Staaaaaahp! Be ambitious. Show us makeup and the brown wig!

I love this show!

I was going to attempt to get a good look last night, but I wound up slicing my chin open pretty bad shaving and had to put it on hold.  I don't even know what I did exactly, I think moved the muscles the wrong way and it just caught my entire chin full on at a bad angle with the entire length of every blade going right into the skin. I've never done something like that before, it's still really painful and I'm glad I don't have to go anywhere today.

Quote from: amberwaves on November 11, 2017, 09:12:25 AM
Ellie you are adorkable!  Don't be too concerned about body shape.  I hated my body and was always pudgy at a minimum.  I had a good frame to put muscle on, but never wanted to.  Now that I am dropping weight after being on hormones for a year I am discovering a very pleasant female figure underneath.  My shoulders are a bit broad and the ribcage a bit too big for my tastes, but others don't seem to notice or care.  I'm starting to get annoyed that I will soon have to replace most of my wardrobe.  You are going to do just fine girl!  The most important part is to focus on being an authentic and happy you.

<3

That's what I'm trying to tell myself! Though I think at this point even if someone from the future came back and said "you're going to be hideous and always look masculine", I still wouldn't change my trajectory anyway. Unfortunately I have way too much free time since I'm wrapping up this semester and find myself thinking about things like this way too often.

Quote from: Roll on November 11, 2017, 09:44:56 AM
Unfortunately I have way too much free time since I'm wrapping up this semester and find myself thinking about things like this way too often.

Yeah that's a lot of us at that stage.  It's such a strange, exciting, and fascinating time of self discovery we can't help but over think.  I had a rough idea how I would look since I have an older sister that I looked very similar to (even as a guy).  It was a running joke when her eldest was born he would just stare very confused at me.  I used to joke that it's like mommy with a beard [emoji23].  Just wait until you start hormones and spend hours starting at your reflection looking for the most minute of changes.  It's okay, most of us did it.  For as much as we want the mental changes, we spend an awful lot of time looking at the physical.  I'm just glad you seem so much happier and contented than when you first joined up.  Keep being awesome girl!

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That's what I'm trying to tell myself! Though I think at this point even if someone from the future came back and said "you're going to be hideous and always look masculine", I still wouldn't change my trajectory anyway. Unfortunately I have way too much free time since I'm wrapping up this semester and find myself thinking about things like this way too often.


   You will look great you could pass in some situations now and it only gets better  I should have started this 30 or 40 years ago but life had different plans for me I have no regrets I just hope to be passable some day I am much happier as a real trans girl who may never pass than as a fake man


    bobbisue

I second the sentiment that you are going to look fabulous.  You already look great and estrogen is just going to improve on that!

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I'll join that bandwagon.  You've got lots of natural beauty already.  Transitioning is going to be make you even better still.

Bari Jo

Thank you all for the amazingly kind words, I was choked up reading them last night!

I get embarrassed by compliments and couldn't even bring myself to reply at the time, I tend to do the take-in-the-bad-but-not-owning-the-good-along-with-it routine. I'm trying to do better about that!

Quote from: Roll on November 12, 2017, 09:45:45 AM
Thank you all for the amazingly kind words, I was choked up reading them last night!

I get embarrassed by compliments and couldn't even bring myself to reply at the time, I tend to do the take-in-the-bad-but-not-owning-the-good-along-with-it routine. I'm trying to do better about that!

Don't feel bad about that.  I do it too.

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