Were you at the beginning embarrassed/uncomfortable to call yourself a man/woman/male/female etc.? Did you prefer to call yourself something else, like... boy/girl, transgender, trans woman etc...?

How long did it take to change that? Did hormones/transitioning help with that?

As pre-everything (sigh...) I do feel somewhat embarrassed to call myself a 'man' or 'male' etc... It's easier for me to just call myself 'a guy' for example!

I can't say I had any issue, but I never really mixed my identity and presentation. I always told people to use male pronouns when I was still presenting male; I kept quite a clean line between the two identities for as long as I could.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Hey again 

Pre T I felt embarrassed calling myself a man bcos it just seemed so fake and ludicrous. I obviously didn't look it to everyone else and it seemed like a fantasy. Probably had good old internal transphobia mixed in as well as shame.

Now I feel simply uncomfortable to call myself that bcos I don't look like the average guy and I don't feel internally 100% male anyhow.

I've always been uncomfortable calling myself a trans man bcos that label never felt completely right for me. And not comfortable calling myself simply trans bcos foremost I'm simply a person.

I feel a lot happier calling myself nb now as that suits me best and transitioning has given me more confidence too. But I still for the most part want to be referred to simply as me.

Quote from: Elis on December 10, 2017, 06:52:02 AM
Pre T I felt embarrassed calling myself a man bcos it just seemed so fake and ludicrous. I obviously didn't look it to everyone else and it seemed like a fantasy. Probably had good old internal transphobia mixed in as well as shame.

Exactly THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been feeling like... I don't even have the right to call myself a 'trans man' coz I look like this.... In my worst moments (some years ago) I've felt the absolute internal transphobia mixed with absolute shame mixed with absolute bitterness/envy towards cis guys/passing trans guys on T... etc.! Luckily I've got past that now... But to say someone against their face 'I'm a man' feels a bit... like... a joke. But I've felt pretty much my whole life like this: that I'm a boy/man/guy/whatever inside my head - and it's my deep dark secret that no one can see/knows. And I feel this embarrassment each time someone points a finger to the fact that actually I'm a girl/woman/belong with the girls.

I've felt it's somehow my 'fault' I didn't get the access to hormones at 16 - and thus I'm 'not trans enough' or 'guy enough' compared to other guys/trans men...

Quote from: Elis on December 10, 2017, 06:52:02 AM
I've always been uncomfortable calling myself a trans man bcos that label never felt completely right for me. And not comfortable calling myself simply trans bcos foremost I'm simply a person.

Me too! I've never felt any connection whatsoever with the labels 'trans' or 'trans man'. In my head I'm just a regular cis guy...... Only no one can see that clearly outside... Though I try to present as male as possible, given the circumstances. 

Thanks guys for real for all the help I've gotten here!!! Even simple things like being called a 'he' is a wake-up call for me to realize how much I yearn to be seen as a man...

I'm in an almost impossible feeling situation - and my self-esteem & self-respect has risen A LOT while being here. I feel much less an outcast now...

I've never had any problem calling myself female. I would totally never call myself a transwoman. There were times before transition when someone asked me if I was male or female and I had to say I was male. That's what I totally hated and found embarrassing.

Purple Wolf,
   I have noticed you asking some very good questions since you got here. Good on ya!

   I am a very reality based person. I only believe what I see with many things in life. When I first started transition, I felt more comfortable saying I was 'transgender.' I have never been comfortable saying I was a man. So, now that I have transitioned, had surgery, and my everyday existence is living female, do I feel totally comfortable calling myself a woman? Well, I am working on it to be honest. I wish I could snap my fingers and I would be there. I feel I deserve to be there, but I have lived so long in that other role and only a short time in this role. I guess in the back of my 'growing up in the 60's brain', I am gonna say I'm a woman and the world is gonna laugh. Now that is me being brutally honest. I have this battle in my head between my upbringing and the fact that I am right in knowing I am a woman. Since I know I am right, eventually, the static will fade. Part of me thinks I need the experience of walking through this world as a woman 24/7 for a while to have my womanhood more than just a proclamation on my part. I have always viewed transition as a process, so I will give it a little time and not stress about it. Experience in transition has taught me that 90% of things in transition that I worry about never need to be dealt with anyway. Worry for nothing.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on December 10, 2017, 08:55:15 AM
Purple Wolf,
   I have noticed you asking some very good questions since you got here. Good on ya!

   I am a very reality based person. I only believe what I see with many things in life. When I first started transition, I felt more comfortable saying I was 'transgender.' I have never been comfortable saying I was a man. So, now that I have transitioned, had surgery, and my everyday existence is living female, do I feel totally comfortable calling myself a woman? Well, I am working on it to be honest. I wish I could snap my fingers and I would be there. I feel I deserve to be there, but I have lived so long in that other role and only a short time in this role. I guess in the back of my 'growing up in the 60's brain', I am gonna say I'm a woman and the world is gonna laugh. Now that is me being brutally honest. I have this battle in my head between my upbringing and the fact that I am right in knowing I am a woman. Since I know I am right, eventually, the static will fade. Part of me thinks I need the experience of walking through this world as a woman 24/7 for a while to have my womanhood more than just a proclamation on my part. I have always viewed transition as a process, so I will give it a little time and not stress about it. Experience in transition has taught me that 90% of things in transition that I worry about never need to be dealt with anyway. Worry for nothing.
Moni

I agree. His questions are always very interesting.

Quote from: Julia1996 on December 10, 2017, 09:20:02 AM
I agree. His questions are always very interesting.

Julia, you made my day again,  !!! Being called he (if even just online) feels great!
- BIG SMILE on me face  -

I got called 'he' today,  !!! Now I will have a great day! No - FABULOUS!!!

Thank you, Julia!

(And thanks for the compliment, btw!)

What Moni said.

I have lived 99% of my life as a male and less than 1% living as female.  So it is going to take a while for that conditioning to wear off.  I was never 100% comfortable calling myself a man.  Now I am not totally comfortable calling myself a woman.  But I know that I am, so eventually, I will get there.

For now, I call myself a trans-woman, and that fits.

Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 10, 2017, 10:00:38 AM
Julia, you made my day again,  !!! Being called he (if even just online) feels great!
- BIG SMILE on me face  -

I got called 'he' today,  !!! Now I will have a great day! No - FABULOUS!!!

Thank you, Julia!

(And thanks for the compliment, btw!)

You know PurpleWolf, we consider you to be a guy on Susan's because that is what you are, correct? That is how I think of you. My question is, do you feel comfortable enough to offer your name, or did I miss it somewhere?
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on December 10, 2017, 04:32:56 PM
You know PurpleWolf, we consider you to be a guy on Susan's because that is what you are, correct? That is how I think of you.

I know. But it feels great still  !!!

Thanks to you guys (& Julia) I had an absolutely great day today,  !!!

BAAAAD social dysphoria...... No support..... messes up your mind! Even the idea that someone is 'thinking of me that way' feels totally weird to me! I should be doing other stuff but I'm glued to this screen  !!!

Quote from: HappyMoni on December 10, 2017, 04:32:56 PM
My question is, do you feel comfortable enough to offer your name, or did I miss it somewhere?
Moni

Sorry... Trying to stay somewhat anonymous... Public forum, you see... At least at this point I'm not comfortable. But thanks for asking  ! But I like the way you are calling me 'Wolf'  ! - So, sorry... just PurpleWolf -

Fair enough sir, I'll call you Wolf!
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on December 10, 2017, 04:59:22 PM
Fair enough sir, I'll call you Wolf!
Moni

Now I'm smiling EVEN MORE  !!!!!!!!!
You are too awesome guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have any idea how good that sentence made me FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL  ??!!!!!!! For real! Thanks!!! I'm in bliss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's the time Mr Wolf..? It's feelgood time

Quote
And I feel this embarrassment each time someone points a finger to the fact that actually I'm a girl/woman/belong with the girls.

Inwardly, I crumple when folk suggest that I need more masculine influences in my life, need to do more 'manly' things, get out more with the blokes - the list feels endless.

It feels comfortable, natural, when I am with a group of women - but I'm always very aware that I am an interloper, and have to be on my guard for fear of accidentally overstepping the mark, causing offence. That can also be seen as guarded, aloof, awkward and sometimes disingenuous - socially that works against me, but, I'm struggling enough with so many things that adding more into the mix wouldn't be wise.

My partner and I have a running joke of 'because you're the man' said in a very sarcastic and drippy tone as (s)he knows it couldn't be further from the truth.

Personally I'm trying to embrace the middle road as culture and conditioning run deep, added to the fact that there is a proportion of my time where I feel like neither male or female (truth be told, I never feel male - to each their own), and have very significant baggage that mean any kind of physical/social transition is out of the question at this moment in time.

Rowan

Well for me when I was male I was embarrassed to call myself or be called a male. For instance when I was at work I work with 90 percent females and we where in a group and the next shift was leaving they would say by girls than say opps and (my name) and I hated that I was fine with just girls.

Quote from: HappyMoni on December 10, 2017, 04:59:22 PM
Fair enough sir, I'll call you Wolf!
Moni

Not to sound pathetic but...... I actually mentally collapsed after that & cried hysterically for an hour. For happiness. For being recognized by an outside person. Hasn't happened for a LONG time......! [aside this forum, I mean]

Quote from: Sno on December 10, 2017, 07:15:46 PM
What's the time Mr Wolf..? It's feelgood time

And now I see this! And am about to cry again...! I am NOT used to people being nice to me.

- Okay, I'm crying. -

I wrote those down. [okay, copied, this is modern time, but that sounded better,  !] I will remember your words forever.  This is pretty much the first time I've gotten some outside support ever. (aside my spouse)  You guys are making me see the world isn't such a bleak place after all...! I feel like I'm in a middle of a metamorphosis some sort.

I can't even describe what it feels like to be recognized like this. Plus people deliberately trying to be nice to me.

Took forever to write that.....

Heck the public forum! I'm sharing, but...! Hope that didn't sound too pathetic to you guys.... 

That just meant a heck of a lot to me.

[Btw I don't usually cry. Yes - had to add  !]

  Oh hogwash PWolf, We are not deliberately trying to be nice to you, we are treating you like we would like to be treated ourselves. You are here. You have declared that you are one of us. And so you are. Why would we treat you any differ than how we want to be treated? To think otherwise is just silly, Sir.

  As for your question... You should know by now that I am not going to give you a straight answer. As for the embarrassed part I think I can say No or maybe well it could be yes too I suppose. A lot of it depends on the context of the situation. Such as if I was standing in the middle of a bunch of cis women in the ladies room and trying to claim I am a woman and have a right to be there I might feel embarrassed but I'm pretty sure my fear of being in there in the first place would have me heading right back out of there upon see those other women am I wouldn't even have time to be embarrassed.
  Another thing is that it would depend a lot on my state of mind. I can say I'm a woman with ease but I frequently have trouble believing it. My head gets in such a turmoil I frequently can't tell you just who or what I am. I have fights within myself over such thoughts. Perhaps someday I will know the answer.

Hugs,
  Laurie

P.S. Mr. Wolf are you counting? That's two.

Quote from: Laurie on December 11, 2017, 06:58:55 PM
  Oh hogwash PWolf, We are not deliberately trying to be nice to you,

Yes you are. Feels great!

Oh, man I thought about deleting that post.... Kinda embarrassing..... But now you saw that & replied!

Quote from: Laurie on December 11, 2017, 06:58:55 PM
  Another thing is that it would depend a lot on my state of mind. I can say I'm a woman with ease but I frequently have trouble believing it. My head gets in such a turmoil I frequently can't tell you just who or what I am. I have fights within myself over such thoughts. Perhaps someday I will know the answer.

Go get that book I mentioned! It will surely help with that! It did me!!! It rocks.

And thanks for participating (in my threads)!!! Appreciate it!!!

Quote from: Laurie on December 11, 2017, 06:58:55 PM
Hugs,
  Laurie

Same!

Quote from: Laurie on December 11, 2017, 06:58:55 PM
P.S. Mr. Wolf are you counting? That's two.

Omg I didn't see that! You ARE deliberately being nice to me.
And I was already feeling great (got over that little name thing)!
Omg that feels incredible....!!!
Now I have to write that down too!
Being here on this forum makes me feel I'm constantly high!

Wolf,
   I am glad you didn't delete that post. It makes me happy to know that your conversations on here are making you feel good. I know how cool it is when you get those first couple times of having your true gender validated by someone. Been there. I am actually glad that you are as open as you are on here. I enjoy talking to the guys on the site. I put out the thought of talking to the guys more at one point and heard crickets, so it is nice that you seem open to talk to anybody. I think both sides of the transgender coin can learn from each other and just enjoy talking. I am very glad you are here.
Moni
Oh yeah, beware of fiesty Lauries!

So, sir, now that you've had the 5* gold smoke treatment and experienced them feels, welcome to Susan's yes, you've like a millions question posts, and been here a while, but it is something special to feel a part of something, when we have spent too long apart from everything.

Feel good Mr Wolf, that feeling is hard won.

Rowan