Geez Dev, wake up on wrong side of bed? :-)

I think the first I heard this particular comment was at a local gallery where I read something quite emotional I'd written just a few days before.

The thing that got me was I prefaced my piece by talking some about trans experience and asked the audience who among them was familiar with the existence of Michfest and not a single person had heard of it. The group was made up of mostly women who certainly all identified as feminists. Now perhaps this says more about me being weird -- I am -- but I'd heard of Michfest long before I realized I was trans and it wasn't in the context of the events issues with trans women. I just felt I was in the presence of a lot of sheltered and privileged people.

And this was the time I got to hear "brave", and from a few different people. I have no doubt of their good intentions however the sincerity I have to question because I also haven't heard anything from any of these people since.

People who I really count as friends don't say distancing things like this. Also I agree with what other things people ha e said. While yes, I have a measure of courage, transition has been about necessity, not bravery.

Quote from: Nikita on December 24, 2017, 12:12:53 AM
I would like to hear what others here think and feel about it when they come out and a well meaning friend says "oh you're so brave".  Is it a mixed double edge for you or what?

No, not really. Courage, or being brave, to me is about doing something you're terrified of doing. Coming out to someone can be terrifying. It can be gut-wrenchingly, paralysingly, heart-stoppingly the hardest thing you ever have to do. A lot of things to do with transitioning can. And I've felt like that on a number of occasions. The maelstrom in your mind as you try to figure out how someone will react... the feeling that your mouth is like sandpaper... the overwhelming urge to just shove it all inside and say nothing.

To me being brave isn't being fearless. It's being scared to death, and going through with something in spite of that fear. So if someone said it to me I would agree with them. And thank them for the compliment. Because I think coming out to someone can be one of the most courageous things anyone can do. Not because there's something wrong with them, but because they're taking the leap and putting their trust in someone else, and handing control over to someone else, in spite of perhaps being utterly terrified of doing so. It's facing a fear and choosing to go through with something in spite of it. To not let it beat them. And that, to me, is brave.

I personally dislike the term mainly because of the way it has been used with me. It is the one and only thing my mother said to me when I came out to her over 2 years ago. Despite acknowledging how difficult this journey would be for me she has done nothing at all to help in any even remotely small way and has basically disappeared from my life....
"You are so brave".....translation..."what I really mean is, I am so brave to have to endure you being trans"

 I can't remember where I read it but one woman said it was about as brave as running out of a burning building. I tend to agree with that, its not bravery its a biological imperative.

Quote from: rmaddy on December 24, 2017, 12:38:39 AM
Yeah, that one bothers me too.  Another one of my favorites is "Well, at least you're happy now." 

Oh, I can't stand that one. Typically the only time I hear that is after I've responded to some social injustice that affects Trans-people and someone will say this. The comments can always be delivered with different intentions depending on the context and how much condescension is attached.

Regardless, It's as if they believe we've been granted a privilege to be ourselves at the expense of all our other civil rights.  I usually interpret that as a conversation killer.

As for being brave? I felt a wide range of things about transition, but being brave was never ever one of them. I cringe when I hear people say that, but in reality, most of them have such limited experience with trans-people and the process, they just use a cliche most Americas have been conditioned to use. I don't take it personally.

Nope, doesn't bother me.

Being trans and facing up to it, and going through with transition is downright terrifying, or would be if I allowed my mind to go there for too long. The people around me are genuinely concerned for my safety. There are health risks. The Western world is becoming a more frightening and hostile place for those of us born in the relatively mild 70s, 80s and 90s. And this is a path you walk absolutely alone within your own skin.

So while it's a cliche expression, and it is an expression of their fears for you, it's also true. I don't know many people around me who'd have the guts for this.

Do I feel brave? Yes and no. No because I'm winging it anyway, and I don't care all that much what happens to me. Yes because this is basically an experiment on my body, this is going into the unknown. There are people out there in the world who would happily imprison or murder me for it, too. If I lived in certain countries and was transitioning, I'd consider myself brave, and lucky if I wasn't attacked.

But feeling brave is on your own scale. I don't feel especially at risk, so I don't feel especially brave.

Quote"Well, at least you're happy now."

Not heard this one yet, but I expect it'll come out of someone's mouth sooner or later.

Quote from: Faith on December 24, 2017, 07:30:24 AM
I feel the same, not that I hate it, but that the phrase is about them. We are brave compared to them in that they cannot shake off the norm to embrace themselves. Their inability to comprehend or move forward makes others look brave.

I've yet to be in a situation where I hear it. I'll try to update should that occur.

Well, that was fast. I have now officially been told "You are so brave"

HR lady at work at the end of our conversation said it. I must say, it did not put me off at all. They way she said it, in context & manner, I knew and felt exactly her intention. I didn't have any problem with it.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on December 24, 2017, 07:40:27 AM
I hear it from people and interpret it as meaning they are impressed that you are handling an issue of this caliber so well. But that's just me. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Megan. on December 24, 2017, 07:48:57 AM
I normally feel embarrassed and unworthy of the compliment is the reality.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

I have heard this a few times in different contexts. I like to think I accept it much in the way Devyln says and react to it much like Megan. I react with  embarrassed unworthiness because the way I see it, I didn't consider my action anything exceptional it was just the way things turned out for me or something that I needed to do.
  There is an exception though and that is I think the way Cindy feels about her cancer. I agreed to having my  kidney operation because if I didn't the cancer would kill me. When it came back they told me I was going to die. So when it returned and they decided to cut out half my pancreas and few few ancillary things, I agreed to that too. And when it came back a second time and they told me it was inoperable, and again told me I was going to die. I asked about a treatment that could have killed me itself which only had a 28% chance of helping at all, anywhere from a little bit to a fraction of percent chance of curing me. When they told me they were willing to try it, I again agreed. I put my affairs in order and let them try to kill me with poison 21 times out of a max of 28 possible before I called it off having had enough. So far, so good. As of my last screening I am still cancer free and that one made it 3 years since they released me. The next time will kill me.
  When your choice is to do something, take a gamble or die, it is not being brave, it is survival. You either do it or die. What would your choice be?

Laurie

This has been said to me more times than I can remember. It has come mostly from people I work with after (officially) coming out back in July of 2017.

It doesn't really bother me though. What I usually say is something like, "I don't know how much of it is courage and how much is me just saying, 'Screw it, I've got to do this'."

I've gotten that twice: once when shopping for makeup in male mode and another from someone I'm very close with who was simply admiring the strength it took for me to make myself go out in the public eye as my authentic self. Both times, it felt nice to have someone recognize how difficult it can be to be yourself in a society that wants us to stuff ourselves into a tiny box, never to be seen again. It takes strength to stand against the current and bravery to attempt it boldly. But, that's been my experience.