Hello again, all.  I posted a week or so back and everyone here was really supportive and encouraging, so thank you again for that!

Lately, I've been having alot of good days, and I'm starting to feel alot better about myself and who I am.  Still working on the what I wish I was thing, which is sort of why I'm posting again.

So I'm transgender - this much is clear to me at this point.  And there is a vocal portion of my thoughts that thinks I might be happier and more comfortable with myself if I transition, so it's something I'm really thinking about.  But as is normal, there are doubts about what is right for me, and if that actually is it.  And alot of these doubts come back to the idea of gender dsyphoria.

For most of my life, I'm not sure if I would classify what I've experienced and felt as gender dysphoria.  While I've never really liked how I looked, and there was a point in my life where I had very low self-esteem because of it, I don't know if it really had to do with my 'sex' so to speak.  As I've been exploring all of this more, I've begun to notice certain things about how I view myself - and there are certainly parts of the male anatomy that I dislike seeing when I look in the mirror.  But I'm not sure if this is really gender dysphoria.

I guess my real question is... what the heck is gender dysphoria really?  How did everyone else experience this?  How do you know what separates gender dsyphoria from just... disliking your appearance?

I feel like if I could figure this out, it'd go a long way to figuring out what I actually want.  So... yeah!

Quote from: Flair on December 30, 2017, 04:38:10 PM
How did everyone else experience this?  How do you know what separates gender dsyphoria from just... disliking your appearance?

I feel like if I could figure this out, it'd go a long way to figuring out what I actually want.  So... yeah!

That's a really good question. And one which was at the root of me making a breakthrough in understanding myself.

As simply as I can put it, I can only say that I didn't dislike my appearance. I disliked that it was mine. I didn't think I was ugly, or that I needed to enhance or change something to be a better looking guy. I disliked that the features belonged to a guy. That they were serviceable but just shouldn't be there. And were they not attached to my reflection, then I wouldn't give them a second thought. Had anyone else wore my face but me, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid at the way they looked. Not necessarily attractive, but not particularly hideous either. Sort of average.

That was the source of my dysphoria. Feeling that I was always looking at someone else. Feeling like someone else. Someone... wrong. The anatomy wasn't mine. I wish I could put a more succinct description to it but it is the best I can do. I could have looked like the most... chiseled, adonis-like male model and I would have still felt the same level of dysphoria.

Everyone's dysphoria is different.  It is anything that made you feel that you'd prefer to be feminine (for MTF).

There are lots of things a person may dislike about their appearance, and not all of them are gender dysphoria.  Disliking the characteristically male parts of your anatomy certainly is.  Disliking the need to either shave or grow a beard might be another.  Wishing you had breasts or more shapely hips might be another.  Disliking body hair, for another example.

It doesn't have to be about your body.  Dysphoria is often manifested as a desire to wear women's clothing.  It can be a dislike for male culture and the whole machismo thing.  And it doesn't have to be specific: just wanting to be a woman is a form of dysphoria.

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As simply as I can put it, I can only say that I didn't dislike my appearance. I disliked that it was mine. I didn't think I was ugly, or that I needed to enhance or change something to be a better looking guy. I disliked that the features belonged to a guy. That they were serviceable but just shouldn't be there. And were they not attached to my reflection, then I wouldn't give them a second thought. Had anyone else wore my face but me, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid at the way they looked. Not necessarily attractive, but not particularly hideous either. Sort of average.

That was the source of my dysphoria. Feeling that I was always looking at someone else. Feeling like someone else. Someone... wrong. The anatomy wasn't mine. I wish I could put a more succinct description to it but it is the best I can do. I could have looked like the most... chiseled, adonis-like male model and I would have still felt the same level of dysphoria.

Wow, Sephirah.  Holy crap, that sounds so simple, but I never really thought of it that way.

I think that really helps. 

Thank you!

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There are lots of things a person may dislike about their appearance, and not all of them are gender dysphoria.  Disliking the characteristically male parts of your anatomy certainly is.  Disliking the need to either shave or grow a beard might be another.  Wishing you had breasts or more shapely hips might be another.  Disliking body hair, for another example.

It doesn't have to be about your body.  Dysphoria is often manifested as a desire to wear women's clothing.  It can be a dislike for male culture and the whole machismo thing.  And it doesn't have to be specific: just wanting to be a woman is a form of dysphoria.

This actually sounds alot like myself too.

This is why I wanted to ask, because I felt like maybe I was misunderstanding the whole concept.  And both your answers make me feel like I might have been. 

This really helps.  Still not sure I have my final answer, but I suddenly feel alot better about this.  Thank you both!

For me, i guess ive been disconnected from my physical appearance abit, i try not to look at myself in the mirror (hate shaving), i hate photos of me its not really one thing... hmmm

But ive always felt more about just hating being a man.... like OMG i never really thought too much about how i would look as a woman (im starting to), but it was more just about not wanting to be a man, hating everything about it i disconnected myself i guess abit from the physical attributes of being a man, so i guess my man parts never bothered me like that so much because i was disconnected from that.......... its just wishing i was a woman, why wasnt i born female?... the constant nagging of that even when i think i got it handled there will be moments of dysphoria alike that.......

Ive always just tried to hide myself completely almost to the point of being agoraphobic... rather than deal with it, or get noticed as a girl (when im in boy mode) or feel like a freak..... theres also a comforting safe aspect to that where i dont have to deal with any of it

GD for me was like the feeling of holding my breath. I had

hypervigilance,
I envied females, their bodies, voice, cloths and styles
I felt disconnected and hated my genitals, they were wrong.

I had a meeting with my boss and HR. My boss had stalled my coming out. I said to him you get to be yourself and she gets to be herself, when do I get to be myself. There was more but I think that sums it up.

I came out at work and expressed, then had procedures to align myself. I no longer have GD.  I think HRT, expressing and FFS helped. Hair transplants helped. GCS really cured me. I want to have some more minor procedures that are cosmetic in nature.

I lived a long time with GD and not having GD is so freeing. I feel at ease with myself. I do not pass but people are nice and address me properly. I have meat a lot of nice people, some not so nice. I guess that is the way it is for cis too.

It really hurt back when boys in school would tell me I'm cute, kinda flirt and talk to me but never really ask me out. I just felt like no matter what I was second to the girls who they would end up dating.. I mean I don't care now though


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GD for me
Is like a constant and unrelenting dialogue in my head...looking at any given situation it would always come back to me thinking about it in terms of me as female. I hated much of what I had to do as a young male to fit in. I always felt I was different and for a long time could not put my finger on exactly why.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

I think as I grew older and my GD was a constant I had resigned myself to living a life constantly filled with the knowledge that something was wrong, I could never put my finger on it...did I hate my genitals? not specifically...I hated everything about myself, from the way I looked to the way I lived my life.

I drowned my life in alcohol to numb the feeling that the GD invoked me. The older I got the less I cared if I lived or died and towards the end of 2015 I just wanted it all to end...But I could not do that to my wife or Daughters...I felt trapped and hopeless. Every now and then the feelings of "wrongness" would get so intense I would do something "crazy" to relieve the stress.

I spent so much of my life numb with booze or drugs that I did not allow myself to feel... 

For me it has always been a sense of not belonging. Not belonging in my body, not fitting in with a group, always having to work at being what people 'expect' me to be. At school I found I didn't identify with anyone. The boys sports and games were not interesting, the girls mystified me. I found a way to avoid these feelings - focus on the job at hand, and ignore the social side of life entirely. For the last 25 years that's what I did. Always have a task or three to do, never let the quiet moment in for in those times the feeling of disconnectedness returned.

Emotions became a problem, for through them the disconnectedness returned. I learned to block those out, and for many years it worked. I had to remind myself to actually respond to peoples feelings as I was so used to not listening to my own.  I recently realized all these strategies were isolating me from my family, my job, and the world around me. The answer was to stop avoiding the elephant in the room and transition regardless of the consequences.

Now I feel like I do belong, I don't need to hide my emotions, in fact I've all but  lost the ability to do so, and the anger and resentment that I got rid of through exercise and obsessive hobbies is gone. Not sure what others experience, but for me that is what Dysphoria feels like.

GD for me.....for the first 22 years of my life, I honestly don't know if it was GD, but a feeling of loneliness, craving a girl in my life - assuming I wanted a girlfriend - expliciting imagining every detail of the girl I wanted for my 'imaginary girlfriend' - only half-feeling every emotion......blaming it on my Asberger's....

What it boiled down to in those first 22 years was feeling like half a person, somehow. Wondering how other people could feel happiness, relaxation, whatever, in the full measure that I couldn't.

Then, bam, realisation. And that was when my GD became a lot more stereotypical. Weekly crying fits about not having periods, wanting to smash the mirror to destroy my reflection, waking up not feeling like myself, not wanting to use my voice in public, not wanting to stand up because I'm over 6 foot, just thinking it'd be easier to die than to go another day as this fake female who can't even convince herself she's a real girl. All these things bubbling under the surface all the time, frequently all at the surface, and those are the bad days. It's like 23 years of it rushing at me at once.

But like...22 years of none of it, then suddenly all at once? I guess GD does come in all shapes and sizes.....

xx

Quote from: ElizabethK on December 30, 2017, 06:16:28 PM
GD for me
Is like a constant and unrelenting dialogue in my head...looking at any given situation it would always come back to me thinking about it in terms of me as female.

This is exactly word by word how it was for me. It was never an urge to crossdress, but it was all in my mind... a persistent desire of being a woman. To the point it would drain me mentally and emotionally.

Have you ever been jealous or envious of someone?  For me GD was extreme jealousy of women.  Imagine walking down the street and want to be 1/2 of the people you see.

The distraction became unbearable.

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Quote from: Denise on December 31, 2017, 09:05:31 AM
Have you ever been jealous or envious of someone?  For me GD was extreme jealousy of women.  Imagine walking down the street and want to be 1/2 of the people you see.

The distraction became unbearable.

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All the time. Still bothers me as I know I'll never really fit in 100%. Still thats no different to now, so anything is progress.

Wow a lot of experiences here, I feel like another reciting an old, familiar story. Sure the characters have changed a bit, and the battles are slightly different, but the themes remain the same.
Discomfort with being yourself, check, no idea why, but there it was.
Discomfort with fundamental anatomy, check, it manifests as pain, or odd sensations and on those days, if I could remove them I would. I also dislike the way it smells (and yes, I am scrupulous about personal hygiene).
Discomfort with societal role - I can't man. Quite simply I became increasingly aware that I was unable to man - sure I can play the part, but I am aware it is a mask. It is physically and emotionally draining to be in male culture for me.
Discomfort when with natal females who are group alphas - this took a long time to work out, but the discomfort is caused by being treated as a lesser woman, and understanding that the hurt and frustration I feel is because I am trying to compete as a woman, with a natal woman (facepalm).
A fundamental need to not have a beard - thankfully it grows slowly enough to be easily managed.

When there's a list like that, it kinda stops me in my tracks as I intrinsically that there must be others who are worse off than myself...


Rowan

For me, dysphoria is a constant background noise that's been there forever. It's the feeling that you are forced by society to live up to a gender stereotype that you don't feel comfortable with and have no interest in. It's having to constantly censor your actions and words, bury your feelings and put on a fake smile when all you want to do is scream. It's the feeling of jealousy when you see women happily being themselves, yet you cannot. Looking in the mirror there is a disconnect between what you see verses how you feel. You know logically that the person in the mirror is you, but your heart refuses to accept it.

It is a constant mental torture, and at its worst, it's the feeling of utmost despair. Dysphoria makes you feel as though you're living your life in black and white, whilst those around you live in colour.