Hi all, second time coming here for help.

So I'm totally far beyond done with my transition - I'm super hawt now and like 300% incognito, to the point of my coworkers asking about my period and stuffs. I'm just wondering if anyone else who's totally under the radar feels anxiety about their situation.

My boyfriends kids are hitting college and I'm really close with them, my job is solid and no one there has a clue about me - yet I feel still feel a ton of pressure to keep up %300 girlness... usually no problem for me but it's like my world will collapse if a single person figures out my secret... SO MUCH STRESS is coming from this. Like, I want to scream out that I'm TG and just get it over with kinda... it's weird. I see other TGs and kinda feel this desire to be all like 'OMGNOWAI ME TOO' Anyone else deal with this? Any tips for not going crazy post-transition?

Thanks in advance ladies

Sorry I can't help you with that one.  As a guy I was a well known attorney in the Los Angeles courts and I was internationally famous in a rather arcane hobby niche — as in, I could walk into a convention for that hobby anywhere in the world and I'd be instantly recognized.

So there is no hiding my transition.  As people have noticed things I've just had to unburden my soul and come out of the closet.

I'll never be stealth because as a guy I was too successful.

That said, you can either lie or come out of the closet.  If anyone asks about your period just say you had to have surgery down there and don't have it.  That's close to the truth and let others think you had a hysterectomy or whatever.  It's none of their business.

Or tell the truth and have done with it, but don't do it unless you are absolutely sure there are no politics of any kind at your office.  If there is any chance of any office politics, then make like a politician and tell the half truth I suggested above.

       Hello Krissi this is a situation I will likely never find myself in even if I can pass that well [doubtful] I would have to move far from my home and grandchildren and that is not happening. I do honestly believe you need to look deep within yourself and decide what is right for you if you truly wish to stay stealth there is nothing wrong with that if you find that you desire the kinship of other trans people you can be a shining example of a successful transition the choice is yours

     bobbisue

I remember this thread from a while back: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229274.0.html

It has some discussion on the issue, maybe it will help.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on January 09, 2018, 10:24:08 PM
Sorry I can't help you with that one.  As a guy I was a well known attorney in the Los Angeles courts and I was internationally famous in a rather arcane hobby niche — as in, I could walk into a convention for that hobby anywhere in the world and I'd be instantly recognized.

Well, now I just want to play a guessing game about what the hobby is. I'm going to start with vintage cereal box collecting.

Thanks peoples! You're all incredibly brave - it's inspiring I've really wedged myself in deep with my bf's kids and his family - they're kinda crazy redneck so coming out really isn't an option...

I'm stressing over stupid things like the likelihood of people finding out who I am due to this forum, old mail that comes to me from 6 years ago with my old name on it, stuff like that...

I'm to the point where it'd be hard to convince someone that I used to be a guy, but the possibility of being found out still haunts me everyday. Maybe I'm just anxious by nature...

Oh! And grats for getting on HRT Roll! Hope the first month is treating you well. I remember my first month.. it was possibly the best of my life colors became so... colorful... lol

Quote from: Krissi on January 10, 2018, 01:15:35 AM
Oh! And grats for getting on HRT Roll! Hope the first month is treating you well. I remember my first month.. it was possibly the best of my life colors became so... colorful... lol

Thanks! It has been wonderful. The smells are my favorite thing so far! Well, except cat litter. I could do with not smelling it again.

Quote from: Krissi on January 09, 2018, 09:39:48 PM

SO MUCH STRESS is coming from this. Like, I want to scream out that I'm TG and just get it over with kinda...

Maybe you're not really "totally beyond far done with transition" after all.  The most important part is always between the ears.

I'm not saying that you have to literally scream it, but the desire to be known for who you are is not going to lessen as you get older.  Take it from those of us who have already done so. 

Quote from: rmaddy on January 10, 2018, 01:39:50 AM
Maybe you're not really "totally beyond far done with transition" after all.

Maybe... I guess I'm lagging a bit on the emotional side of transitioning. I mean, two years isn't a lot of time to mentally digest such a change. But ya... reading the thread roll posted kinda scares me more, like this is something that will follow me for life. I want so badly to just be female and not TG, but I'm not emotionally ready for that maybe...

Quote from: Krissi on January 10, 2018, 01:57:25 AM
Maybe... I guess I'm lagging a bit on the emotional side of transitioning. I mean, two years isn't a lot of time to mentally digest such a change. But ya... reading the thread roll posted kinda scares me more, like this is something that will follow me for life. I want so badly to just be female and not TG, but I'm not emotionally ready for that maybe...

But you are TG, and can't change that fact.  Some people seem to be just fine guarding that secret for life, but you're already stressing out about it.  Transition is more than looking the part; it's dealing with the psychological baggage that comes from being deprived of the automatic/subconscious sense of coherence between body and mind that every else takes for granted.

So don't think of it as something that will follow you for life.  Think of it as the defining challenge of your life...one that you can face and conquer.  Someday you may see that this was your finest hour.

Wow... that's got to be some of the best advice I've gotten in my life. Thanks Maddy, I think you're right. I'll definitely try to look at it differently - maybe that will help

When I first transitioned I intended to be 100% stealth. I pass 100% with people who didn't know me before transition. But that's a problem in itself. There are lots of people here who knew me before. People don't easily forget an albino person much less a trans albino. I would have to move to another city to be 100% stealth and that would mean leaving my family behind. I'm not willing to do that. I love my family and I need them. I hate being trans and wish so much that I had been born a CIS girl but I wasn't and I can't change that. The problem with being stealth is that it's extremely stressful as you said. The problem is, no matter how hard you try to cover your past, there are still ways you can be outed.

Being outed can destroy your life and relationships. If you're significant other didn't know you were trans they can feel betrayed and very angry. Personally I would never have a relationship with a guy without telling him I'm trans. My boyfriend insisted we tell his family I'm trans. I was very much against that but telling them relieved a big amount of stress for me. I had worried about them finding out somehow. Now if that happens it won't be catastrophic. I live as stealth as possible. By that I mean I don't tell anyone I'm trans but should someone ask me I won't deny it either. Simply because if you pass well and someone asks if you're trans out of the blue, they already know you are and they found out about it somehow. Everyone who is important to me knows I'm trans so should I be outed down the road they already know so it's not disasterous.

A lot of trans women escape their male prison just to walk into another one. Just like some trans women overcompensate trying to be men they do the same thing as trans women. They constantly stress over everything they say and do. They do things they don't even like doing because women are " supposed" to enjoy doing it. Even worse they give up things they love because women aren't supposed to like those things. Overdoing stealth to the point that you're totally stressed and worried all the time isn't any better than trying to be a man you're not. There are all types of CIS women just as there are all types of trans women. I don't really have interests that would be considered male except for Sci-fi. But I like Sci-fi so I'm not going to stop watching it because women aren't supposed to like it.

I've thought about the stealth issue a lot. I will be as stealth as possible.  That means I won't tell anyone except people who are important that I'm trans. That way should I be outed my entire life won't be destroyed. And honestly I wouldn't even want someone in my life who would have a problem with me being trans in the first place. I'm also not going to stress over everything I do and say. If someone finds some of my behavior masculine then oh well, get over it or get away from me. I always refused to be the boy I wasn't so I'm certainly not going to be a certain type of woman if I'm not.

Some of us want to be 100% stealth and that's fine.  I wanted that at first too, but I'm not willing to move away from my family and constantly stressing and worrying about potential ways I could be outed would be as bad as being stuck being a boy. Stealth is very emotionally expensive. For me it's too expensive.

If I passed as well as you, I would be ecstatic.  But, in spite of that, I have absolutely no desire to be stealth, for exactly the reasons you describe.  I spent 60 years in one closet.  I don't want to transition right into another one.  I am so done with closets!

I am out and full-time, and, while I don't advertise the fact that I am trans, I don't try to hide it.  If I was passing 100% and someone came up to me and said, "Hey, you're trans aren't you?", I'd say, "Yes, so what?"

I understand that your big worry is the redneck in-laws finding out.  I hope I don't offend in suggesting therapy for someone who has finished their transition, but really this is something that you should discuss with a therapist.  You have unresolved fears, and you need strategies to deal with them.

Julia - Thanks for the advice. When I look at it like that, I guess I'm not %100 stealth. My direct family and my boyfriend know, but the only one within the state that knows is my boyfriend and my BFF. I realize now that they help exhaust a lot of this stress. I think I would also not deny being TG if asked, but no one really knows me in this town as I moved here 4 years ago. I've even passed some people I used to work with and they didn't notice me... maybe I just need to lower my stealth percent for a bit

Kathy - I have gotten a little therapy for this in the form of the psych evals required. I asked her about my fears of being called out and she said 'I usually tell people to come to terms with theirselves, but in your case, you're good.' She added that i shouldn't worry about it so much and to try to breathe when I get anxiety from it... ugh... maybe try another therapist?

Just talking to someone who knew about me felt good. Even talking to you peoples is helping a bit I think though I'm still scrambling to clear my browser history every time I check back here o_x

I'm also taking the "don't ask, don't tell" approach.  If they don't ask, I don't tell.  It's working so far for the grand total of 3 months that I've been full time.  We'll see what the future holds.