How did I feel?

I was an emotional wreck and told my close female friend why I was so desperately unhappy...I would have been about 18 at the time...I was terrified, but with a great sense of relief once I had told her and someone apart from me knew my deepest most private thoughts.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 09, 2018, 11:03:09 AM
I was nervous as a long tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs. 

Hugs, Devlyn

That sounds about right for me as well LOL    Felt like an odd baptism of sorts

Imagine someone giving you a lecture about a medical condition and then saying that that's what they have. This is how I explained it, with science. Not many emotions involved from my side even though I was somewhat unsure whether what that meant and included was understood completely by them in that moment and I couldn't calculate people's reactions really so there was some uncertainty about how they would take it left, even though I was sure that my mum, my dad and grandpa wouldn't react dismissively or truly negative in any way and they didn't.

Happiness or joy was not felt by me for coming out, it wasn't such a big event really I was just telling them what I had found out was a fact about me. I was glad that it was accepted by most people and that I finally got that out of my way and system that's all. I still thank this neurological article for letting me FINALLY understand my condition and giving me the knowledge that it was a scientific fact, an actual condition and as such I could accept it. 
Why would I cry telling someone though? Doesn't make sense to me but I generally don't cry so of course I didn't.  But maybe that's something people do, I mean some people even cry watching movies, I don't get it but they do *shrug*
My mum told me she cried over it later alone in the car to let me know that it was hard for her because somewhere she got that idiotic idea that she had lost "a daughter" though. I simply told her this:" Face the facts, you never had a daughter and you can't lose what you never had in the first place. Mourning the loss of something that, in fact, never exited and that you never actually possessed isn't logical."
She told me I wouldn't understand even though she was the one clearly not understanding.

The first person was my mother it went well and she said she was going to support me through it. Second one was my dad he seemed completely indifferent, later it turned out it wasn't that easy for him after all, he just didn't let it show and let it show by little things accidentally that he had some struggles truly coming to terms with this weeks later, he got over it eventually.
Other than that my mum, who has a weird need to talk about stuff and her emotions with people, had already taken that away from me by outing me to most of the rest of the family and friends of the family including the really close Christian friends of our family. They were the ones where I thought they might not take it well and probably wouldn't accept it but they had even less of a struggle than my parents really, she was extremely accepting and understanding and encouraging me what definitely surprised me because they are religious people.

Quote from: Corax on January 11, 2018, 06:10:24 AM
Why would I cry telling someone though? Doesn't make sense to me but I generally don't cry so of course I didn't.  But maybe that's something people do, I mean some people even cry watching movies, I don't get it but they do *shrug*

That's because you're a guy!

Quote from: Corax on January 11, 2018, 06:10:24 AM

Other than that my mum, who has a weird need to talk about stuff and her emotions with people, had already taken that away from me by outing me to most of the rest of the family and friends of the family including the really close Christian friends of our family.

While she shouldn't have outed you for sure and that went too far, I love what you not understanding her need to talk about her emotions with people means in context for being trans. Basically, it's a girl thing.

Quote from: Roll on January 11, 2018, 10:01:56 AM
While she shouldn't have outed you for sure and that went too far, I love what you not understanding her need to talk about her emotions with people means in context for being trans. Basically, it's a girl thing.

Yes and I wasn't too thrilled about that she had done that and I absolutely didn't understand why she had done it at all and when I confronted her telling her that it had not been her right to give other people that information without talking about it to me beforehand she got mad and upset and accused me of not taking her feelings into account and that she had a need to talk about things and her emotions to people etc. When I said that she didn't have to talk about it and that I hadn't talked about that with others all my life without this need and had dealt with and come to terms with it on my own even though I actually have the condition and she does not, she got even more upset for whatever reason.

It indeed seems to be a women's thing and I tend to not understand women well. I really love my mum and we have an overall good relationship but I absolutely don't get her way of thinking and she doesn't understand mine, hence we often have our differences and a lot of arguments. 

The first time I actually told anyone out loud was in a creative writing course, when I workshopped a piece about being trans. I knew from a young age, but since my parents were so vocally anti-LGBT I never dared to tell my family or friends back home, lest my parents hear through the grapevine. And I had no close friends to confide in after I moved away for college, so there really wasn't anyone to come out to privately once I was safe, you know?

It was a very liberal environment, so I wasn't nervous or anything. Nobody took it poorly or made a big deal out of it. Nor was I emotional about it. It was just a fact of life that I'd accepted a long time prior. I guess it was sort of affirming in that, yeah, I had proved I could announce I was genderqueer to a room full of acquaintances and have zero misgivings. But I wouldn't say it really felt like a big milestone.

First time I told someone...was to my best friend. I was nervous and excited.

I told her "I'm transgender. " over a cup of coffee at her place.

She said "No, you can't be. You never wear women's cloths. "

Then she realized what she just said and started laughing at her stupid statement.

The laughing was relieving. The tension I had felt just vanished and we laughed together.

First time was on here which felt confusing but I needed to splurge and the comments were far better and supportive than I could have hoped for.

Next was my sister who I went to visit and she was amazingly supportive and we both cried together. 
The best day was this last tuesday when I came out to my doctor (GP) who was amazing and really helpful, then when I got to work I came out to a friend/sales manager who again was incredibly nice and understanding and asks me daily if I am ok and if I want to talk. Then on the way home, I told my mum over the phone and she was brilliant and wants to know more about it and will love and support me no matter what. That day I felt elated.  Absolutely on top of the world.  All my dysphoria evaporated and for a few hours I felt like I had been released.

The following day, the sales manager told me he told his wife who I have only met twice and she said she was not surprised!! I asked why and she said I have a feminine manner.  Did not expect that!  Very pleased.

The biggest challenges will be my wife (who half knows but is pretending it's not a thing). My father (God only knows what will happen there as he's responsible for most of my repression) & my step children (in their 30s but very judgemental).  I won't be coming out fully to those until I have seen a therapist and started transitioning. 

The first person in my family that we told was my sister, an ultra conservative right wing individual that I love dearly and was terribly afraid of losing. When told, she got so mad at us......that we had not told her sooner and that we had missed so many opportunities to go shopping together, WOW, didn't see that coming. We have since corrected that with frequent shopping expeditions.

Tia Anne

I felt pretty great. Nervous, but great.
Because finally I could tell everybody who I really was. And I knew my friens would remain just that. Some members of my family, it was not so great to tell them, but I'm not someone to hide - It's important to me than I can be genuine with people I care for.

Quote from: PurpleWolf on January 09, 2018, 01:36:21 AM
So... What was it like the first time you told someone you're trans? When was it?
How did you feel? Was that emotional for you? Did you cry? Happy? Immense joy/relief?

How did that go? (Hope it did go well!) Who was the first person you decided to confide in? Did they take it well? What did they tell you? Do you remember exact words?

Did that experience affect you in some way?

---
This time I don't have a personal story to tell. At 13 I just started identifying as a boy and told people that I felt or was a boy. I don't particularly remember coming out to anyone specifically.

The only person I really 'came out' to... was my mother, at least with that particular approach.  I never felt 'like a trans'.  Frankly I think the whole 'm2f trans' label is very misleading.. are you saying you're a  male turning female?  What is a male? Timeless question, we all know XY doesn't always = male.  I do not claim, nor will I ever claim to that label.   I'm not 'offended' if someone asks that, frankly I'll tell them NEIGH. lol.  The irony though is noone (except of course among trans community) has ever asked me that.   I've had plenty assume I'm lesbian though, and even ask me that.  I mean I am, but ugh.. I don't really like having that assumed either. 

i've got a lot of "first" coming out stories, depending on how you look at it.  there were different sets of people, different time periods, and vastly different feelings, levels of understanding, and frames of mind surrounding them. 

the FIRST time, at least the earliest i can recall, i was around 13 or 14 and didn't know "trans" existed.  i was chatting with my cousin and told her i thought i wanted to be a boy.  it was just one of those awkward self-discovery conversations teenagers have; we didn't really take anything too seriously or know how it worked, and we didn't really stop and think about the implications of the future.  it was just "oh, well i hear there's a surgery for that and when you grow up you can just get it done" and then we moved on...

((the rest that follows might be "off-topic" if you only want the literal first; otherwise, life story ahead but i feel like it's important to have for the sake of comparison to show how it's changed over years))

a few years later, i mentioned to my boyfriend at the time that i didn't fully identify as a girl.  as before, it wasn't taken all that seriously because neither of us fully understood the implications of such a statement/feeling, and nothing was really done.

a few more years later, i still hadn't been able to ignore those feelings and had learned more about what "trans" actually was.  not enough to really understand it, but enough that, over time, i had to accept that it was what it was and i couldn't keep ignoring it.  so i started looking online for support and information and brought it up again, this time more seriously.  i don't remember that moment, but i do know that for a while nothing was still being done until we (my partner and i) were at a meeting with a counselor who i was initially talking to about something else, and it got brought up there.  and after years of him resisting and me ignoring, that conversation finally pushed my partner (and me) to accept that these feelings would mean actual changes.  and that is when we broke up.  there was a sort of grey fog of sadness around me for a while, like i was mourning something intangible.  then there was the realization i would also have to share this with my best friend and my family. 

i told my friend over the phone.  i don't really remember that conversation, but i'm sure it was awkward, though my friend at least wasn't upset or bothered by it. 

then i wrote my dad a letter.  i don't remember that, either.  i just know that aside from not really understanding and confusing it with being gay and trying to resist because he knew me as his "little girl", my dad was about as good about the whole thing as i could expect him to be.  he has never been cruel to me about it and has at least tried to listen and make sense of things, and he's gotten more accepting over time.

the next "coming out" i did was to my mom and grandma; my friend came with me during a visit at my grandma's house and we had a really uncomfortable sit-down in the living room.  i was so nervous and afraid that at first i couldn't even speak and my friend was the one to break the "news".  then i started explaining, or rather, attempting to defend myself from the barrage of verbal attacks and accusations that followed.  it went even worse than i had expected it to, and ended with me giving a long, tearful speech about my feelings only to be met with an even longer period of total silence.  then they turned and started chatting with each other about other things as though i hadn't said a word.  they got to let their anger and confusion out on me while ignoring anything i said, and refusing to acknowledge my own feelings or experiences.  my friend and i finally just got up and left the room, stunned and feeling like we'd wasted our time.  for a while after that, my mom and grandma would occasionally try to tell me things to convince me that i was wrong and didn't know what i was talking about and that they knew better, etc etc... and when they realized i wasn't going to give in, they just quit talking about it until i was forced to move back "home" with them after the breakup, where my mom tried to lure me back by making it seem like she would try to start accepting my pronouns, etc. (on top of other offers, like helping me find work and an apartment, all of which were lies). 

things were so bad after i came back that i was suicidal and completely at my wit's end after a couple of years dealing with a combination of isolation and awful treatment.  i didn't know up from down, but i tried to keep moving forward and making some kind of life for myself, however slowly, starting from scratch with no support and no resources except the internet.  fortunately, i found a primary care doctor within walking distance of the house, and eventually--when i couldn't stand it any longer--i wrote him a note saying that i was transgender and felt it was important for him to know that.  i didn't know if he would have any helpful information for me, but much to my relief and surprise, he did.  he set me up with another doctor who offered HRT not far from where i was, and after a few more weeks of waiting, i finally started taking T.

now i still have more "coming out" to do and i'm scared.  i will have to tell my managers/coworkers somehow, and i don't have the first clue how to approach it or what will happen when i do.  i'm going to go in expecting to get the boot at the first chance they get, because even if they can't use gender as a reason to fire me, the minute they want to let someone go i don't doubt this could bump me up to the front of the line.  i'm not totally sure that didn't happen at my last job, where even pre-T i had as masculine an expression as i could manage and came out to one of the managers in private when questioned about it.  i was told a few months later that all temps (they are temp-to-hire for the first 6 months) get let go at the beginning of the year and was laid off on new year's eve.  i didn't see anyone else being let go, though, and was not told about this "policy" until then--despite her acting like it was something i should have already known.  maybe i was just unlucky with the timing; big corporations do it to everyone when/where they can, but i can't shake the feeling that i didn't do myself any favors by coming out, especially after hearing similar and worse stories about trans people at the same company in other locations.  so regardless of what happened at my last job (this is the same company, but a different location and position), i'm not confident about coming out to the managers.  and after some conversations i've overheard in the breakroom and just general comments i've heard from coworkers, i'm not confident about their response, either.  i'll be fine to just keep my head down and do my job as long as i can, but i'm not looking forward to it. 

While I didn't consider it trans at the time, it felt really great when I started developing my crossdressing.  I found a CD group and found others who were like me.  I then go into full crossdressing and going out that way.  It was just the natural thing to do.  Prior to that, I had only worn pantyhose or stockings.  While my ex didn't have a problem with that, I was terrified someone else would find out.  These days, expressing my feminine side is just part of me.

So my female friends know.
How did I feel when I told my friend? Honestly not too worried, she's extremely open minded and once she confirmed I wasn't joking so sent me about three hundred page booklet to my email about makeup tips.

I'm dreading coming out to the world

I don't think my first time really counts, because the first person I told was my priest.  I'm an Episcopalian so it wasn't that big a deal on some levels, but I was a little worried because I didn't know if she would be trans-exclusionary as a feminist and a lesbian.  In any case, I owed it to her and to myself, as coming out would have significant impacts on my spiritual journey and as a  major  participant in the life of my parish.

The second time was to one of my best friends and role models at my parish.  My hands were shaking and my lips were quivering as I told her my story.  I could see tears in her eyes and at the end there was just love and laughter.  She's if anything an inch or so taller than I am, so we talked about being tall women and it was all good.

I do so very much wish I could have a Mulligan on my talk with her and the next person I came out to.  I wish I could have said: Hey I've got the best news ever and I'm so happy and I can't wait to tell you so you can be happy with me!

But we can only do what we can do. . .

I initially explained dysphoria to my best friend from high school 5 years ago without knowing what it was. I told her I always felt discomfort, out of place even, but I didn't know why. She just listened and there wasn't much else to be said. Fast forward to just a few months ago and I mentioned changes I was doing at first. Then eventually it became clear I'm transitioning. I told a coworker/friend just a few days after starting hrt and it was helpful to me.

I knew if I'm going to be successful to see this through I have to tell someone. And I felt I needed those people to be supportive and understanding and they were/still are!



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Amazing. I told my work, then extended family, then wife. The relief was instant and I knew I could stop thinking about what might go wrong and get on with life. Should have done it years ago.

When I told my wife I thought I might be, I was an emotional wreck.  It was the scariest and saddest thing I have ever had to endure... knowing that what I was saying to her was breaking her heart and crushing her soul...

My best friend and his wife were the first people that I told. I chickened out several times before I finally decided to do it. I was a blubbering mess as I tried to explain a little of what I'd been going through for the last 30+ years. Once I finally had it out, and they were so accepting and helpful, it was like a 30-ton weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It got easier telling other people after that.