I have just written my thoughts and feelings down. I just started writing and didn´t pay much attention to order and stuff like that. So please don´t judge my writing skills.

I have been feeling really bad this past few days / weeks. I have started to hate looking male more and more. I plucked my eyes, let my hair grow out, started wearing more female clothes and started to use (invisible) nail polish. At first these thing made me feel better. But after a while they weren't enough. Every time i look into the mirror after taking a shower i think to myself how much better I would look if the penis wasn´t there and if there weren´t these damn visible muscles even though i am not working out. I hate that I cant´t wear make up. I hate that I can´t wear my favorite shoes. But I don´t know what to do. I can´t tell my parents because they wouldn´t understand and would´t accept it. I already have a psychologist for my social phobia. But I can´t talk with him about this. I have tried many times to tell him. But the moment I was in the room with him i was to afraid to tell him and couldn´t bring myself to do it.

Thanks for reading this. I hope some of you can give me at least a little bit advise d for my situation.

PS: i am 18 years old

Quote from: sophie_314 on January 18, 2018, 03:15:42 PM
I have just written my thoughts and feelings down. I just started writing and didn´t pay much attention to order and stuff like that. So please don´t judge my writing skills.

I have been feeling really bad this past few days / weeks. I have started to hate looking male more and more. I plucked my eyes, let my hair grow out, started wearing more female clothes and started to use (invisible) nail polish. At first these thing made me feel better. But after a while they weren't enough. Every time i look into the mirror after taking a shower i think to myself how much better I would look if the penis wasn´t there and if there weren´t these damn visible muscles even though i am not working out. I hate that I cant´t wear make up. I hate that I can´t wear my favorite shoes. But I don´t know what to do. I can´t tell my parents because they wouldn´t understand and would´t accept it. I already have a psychologist for my social phobia. But I can´t talk with him about this. I have tried many times to tell him. But the moment I was in the room with him i was to afraid to tell him and couldn´t bring myself to do it.

Thanks for reading this. I hope some of you can give me at least a little bit advise d for my situation.

PS: i am 18 years old

Perhaps, as you have been doing, write these things down and then give it to your doctor/therapist.  That way you're not hiding anything and it might make it more easier to discuss???

Quote from: sophie_314 on January 18, 2018, 03:15:42 PM
I have just written my thoughts and feelings down. I just started writing and didn´t pay much attention to order and stuff like that. So please don´t judge my writing skills.

I have been feeling really bad this past few days / weeks. I have started to hate looking male more and more. I plucked my eyes, let my hair grow out, started wearing more female clothes and started to use (invisible) nail polish. At first these thing made me feel better. But after a while they weren't enough. Every time i look into the mirror after taking a shower i think to myself how much better I would look if the penis wasn´t there and if there weren´t these damn visible muscles even though i am not working out. I hate that I cant´t wear make up. I hate that I can´t wear my favorite shoes. But I don´t know what to do. I can´t tell my parents because they wouldn´t understand and would´t accept it. I already have a psychologist for my social phobia. But I can´t talk with him about this. I have tried many times to tell him. But the moment I was in the room with him i was to afraid to tell him and couldn´t bring myself to do it.

Thanks for reading this. I hope some of you can give me at least a little bit advise d for my situation.

PS: i am 18 years old

Hi Sophie!

Welcome to the forum!!!!

Perhaps if you found a therapist that specializes in gender stuff, you might find them easier to open up too because this kind of stuff is the work they do specifically... WPATH ( World Professional Association for Transgender Health ) maintains list of therapists on their website and there may very well be one close.. a call to a local LGBTQ Diversity Center, if there are any near you, may also provide direction toward local resources

There is a lot to discuss as far as what you are feeling so, If the current therapist truly doesn't feel like the one you feel comfortable with... I would look elsewhere

All will be well little sister

Onward we go!!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Hi Sophie 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's!  I'm Jessica.  I'm glad you came here.  There are many here that have experienced the same.  I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. 

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 You cannot be what you want to be without coming out to your parents. It's either that, or spending many years gaining financial independence and losing those years when you can be able to transition early and successfully. It is scary coming out now, but it isn't easier to come out 20 years later either.

You cannot have an omelette without breaking eggs. Either you need to do it, or convince yourself you don't want the omelette at all. Or you can dream about it for decades, and feel miserable you don't have it.


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May I suggest...
Has your therapist diagnosed you with gender dysphoria?  If yes, then tell that to your parents.  Then you discuss your "condition" in diagnosed medical terms.  I was 20 minutes into the conversation before the term transgender was associated with me.

I told them that g.d. is the clinical diagnosis for people who are transgender and I've been diagnosed with g.d. and have been struggling with it since I was very little.

That way I defined in clear text what g.d. is and I let them draw the connection.

I told about 100 people that way.  No issues.

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Sophie,
   I would suggest telling the therapist that there is something bothering you, but for now don't say what it is. Tell him it is something extremely hard for you to talk about.You should then discuss confidentiality with him. If you find you trust him, tell him when you are ready. I am 60 now. When I was in my twenties I was busting to tell my secret to someone, so I told a college counselor in a letter. She was sympathetic and we met once after that. At that point, my male self was trying desperately  to deny female me. When I met  with her, I could barely look at her. I was scared, in denial, and afraid to ruin the male image I held onto for safety. Fast forward to me at 57. I spent all those years in miserable denial. The feelings never went away. All the times I tried to stick with 'him' finally proved to be wrong. I transitioned and am now happy. What I am trying to say is, find a  way to face this, figure out what your solution is. Your path could be very different. Find someone to help you form a plan. You will not always be with your parents. There are a lot of supportive people in the world. Don't feel bad that it is  hard to get the words out to someone. The first steps are very hard, but keep working on it. Don't get down on yourself.
Moni

Welcome to Susan's Place. When you are coming out, cold feet is a common problem. Because you are unable to say the words, write a letter to your therapist saying what you want to say then give your therapist the letter at the start of the session. If you delay till latter in the session you might lose your nerve and you won't have time to discuss this. Once you give your therapist the letter, you therapist will know how to guide the session.

Quote from: Dena on January 18, 2018, 09:21:46 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. When you are coming out, cold feet is a common problem. Because you are unable to say the words, write a letter to your therapist saying what you want to say then give your therapist the letter at the start of the session. If you delay till latter in the session you might lose your nerve and you won't have time to discuss this. Once you give your therapist the letter, you therapist will know how to guide the session.

Totally agree!

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I suggest you find a gender therapist. Talking things out can help a great deal. If you don't know how to find one call an LGBT crisis line. They can probably help you find one in your area. The younger you start hrt the better the results. I suggest you start taking a testosterone blocker. It won't cause any noticeable changes but it will prevent any further masculine features from developing. The effects aren't permanent so all you have to do is stop taking it and your testosterone will go back to normal. You can take the blocker until you get things worked out, that way if you decide transition is what you want you won't have to fight any further effects of testosterone.

Are you absolutely sure your parents won't be accepting or do you just think think they won't be?  I was really afraid my dad wouldn't accept me and I put off telling him because of that. But he is totally accepting and has helped me with transition a great deal. Unless you think your parents will throw you out or disown you you might think about telling them. If they can accept it they would be a big help with your transition.

I hope things get better for you.