I feel like, i cant see past this ie wanting to be female, to think about anything else, as much as ive tried its just made become rather alone and isolated and invisible, i feel lonely, i feel alone, i feel shame, i feel worthless, i feel like i dont like myself, i feel like a freak 

But still above all this, i feel fear greater than all of it, i feel like nothing will change for me

I feel like deciding not to transition Earlier in my life when i first thought about wanting to be female, has ruined my life

We all feel like that at one time or another. Some longer than others. But, it's really up to you. . Something as simple as wearing panties and a bra can go a long way in suppressing the doubts. As to making friends, that's up to you. Are you making yourself available or are you hiding out? Are you being optimistic or pessimistic?  Changing your posture can making a difference in whether you seem approachable or not. In my giant sized male form I tend to spread out and cross my arms. Not very welcoming. But my female personna tries to make myself small and attentive. I fold my hands in my lap until it is my turn to speak, I cross my legs. And something I find very hard to do as a guy. Smile. It's amazing how much more accepting others are of you with a smile on your face. It takes work and time. I have always been a hard worker and now I have plenty of time.

Quote from: Christy Lee on January 21, 2018, 04:05:48 PM
I feel like, i cant see past this ie wanting to be female, to think about anything else, as much as ive tried its just made become rather alone and isolated and invisible, i feel lonely, i feel alone, i feel shame, i feel worthless, i feel like i dont like myself, i feel like a freak 

But still above all this, i feel fear greater than all of it, i feel like nothing will change for me

I feel like deciding not to transition Earlier in my life when i first thought about wanting to be female, has ruined my life

*big hug*

Regarding your last line first, hon. I get why you're feeling like that. Sometimes it's easy to look back and regret the things we didn't do. But you have a whole lot of your life in front of you, Christy, to make the changes you want to see. More ahead of you than behind you, in all likelihood. And, well, things can really only stop you if you let them, sweetie. You have power over your own life. It isn't ruined if you don't allow it to be. Think of it this way, you could also be a phoenix rising from the ashes of regret and sadness.

It's normal to be scared, Christy. I can say, though, in the short time I've known you, a lot has changed already. You seem very different now to the first post of yours I read. You've already come a long way. You've opened up a lot about yourself, and questioned the way you feel. Talked about a lot of things that it feels like you've kept bottled up inside for a long time. I think you've already changed a lot as a person, Christy. Mentally if not physically. But it's just hard for you to see in the grand scheme of everything you wish would change. Sometimes life is a matter of perspective and how you look at things. *hugs* I think you've shown a lot of guts talking about the things you have, and working out a lot of your emotional state of mind.

Sweetie, this is a process that doesn't happen overnight. I know how all-consuming it can feel, but the first steps are ones that, relatively, take the longest. The understanding, acceptance, and actually taking that leap of faith in getting it out there into the world. It takes some folks years, hon. Making the changes are well understood, and a lot more structured, but actually realising how and why those changes need to be made is often uncharted territory for many.

I know how it feels to feel alone, and lonely, and worthless. I've had an intimate relationship with not liking myself. It's a dark place where sometimes there doesn't seem any light to walk towards. But you're not alone, Christy. You're not. There are people who care about you, and want the best for you, even if you can't see them. You're not a freak, okay? You're someone hurting a lot, and wondering where to turn or what to do next. You're not worthless. No one is worthless, Christy. You're a person, with a spirit and a mind just as beautiful, unique and valuable as anyone else. With just as much right to be yourself as anyone else.

It isn't too late for you, Christy, to get to where you want to be. It really isn't. Life is what you make it, not something that happens to you, okay? Sweetie, it seems like you feel caught up in a storm of emotions and sensations and you feel like you're adrift, not knowing where to turn or what to do. Take your time, okay? You're not alone in this, and you don't have to be.

Let me ask you something, hon. Would doing something about the way you feel make you feel any worse than you do right now? If not, then what do you have to lose?

*extra big hug* I believe in you, sweetie.

Quote from: DawnOday on January 21, 2018, 05:09:29 PM
We all feel like that at one time or another. Some longer than others. But, it's really up to you. . Something as simple as wearing panties and a bra can go a long way in suppressing the doubts. As to making friends, that's up to you. Are you making yourself available or are you hiding out? Are you being optimistic or pessimistic?  Changing your posture can making a difference in whether you seem approachable or not. In my giant sized male form I tend to spread out and cross my arms. Not very welcoming. But my female personna tries to make myself small and attentive. I fold my hands in my lap until it is my turn to speak, I cross my legs. And something I find very hard to do as a guy. Smile. It's amazing how much more accepting others are of you with a smile on your face. It takes work and time. I have always been a hard worker and now I have plenty of time.

I did go through a cross dressing phase, instead of making me feel better it just made aroused, and think i was just a cross dresser, which didnt feel right, i also atm dont really have any female clothes of my own

Im a very pessimistic person

I have been trying feminine poses abit, either while watching tv or in bed which feels great, and has made me smile abit more, but still like you thats not something that comes easy to me either "smiling"

Quote from: Sephirah on January 21, 2018, 05:14:37 PM
*big hug*

Regarding your last line first, hon. I get why you're feeling like that. Sometimes it's easy to look back and regret the things we didn't do. But you have a whole lot of your life in front of you, Christy, to make the changes you want to see. More ahead of you than behind you, in all likelihood. And, well, things can really only stop you if you let them, sweetie. You have power over your own life. It isn't ruined if you don't allow it to be. Think of it this way, you could also be a phoenix rising from the ashes of regret and sadness.

I have let them, ive been caught up in depression over the past couple of years it feels like, but now im wanting to change now most of the time all i can think about is becoming female, sometimes i still it feels surreal that i am transgender.... and I have tried to think about it like that, or something along this lines

Quote from: Sephirah on January 21, 2018, 05:14:37 PM

It's normal to be scared, Christy. I can say, though, in the short time I've known you, a lot has changed already. You seem very different now to the first post of yours I read. You've already come a long way. You've opened up a lot about yourself, and questioned the way you feel. Talked about a lot of things that it feels like you've kept bottled up inside for a long time. I think you've already changed a lot as a person, Christy. Mentally if not physically. But it's just hard for you to see in the grand scheme of everything you wish would change. Sometimes life is a matter of perspective and how you look at things. *hugs* I think you've shown a lot of guts talking about the things you have, and working out a lot of your emotional state of mind.

Sometimes i feel like yes, but physically i feel like no and not just talking about being transgender either, and again some goes for mentally, i just want to be happy, but most of the time i try to think about it as a guy i think no way thats going to happen as a guy nope even in ordinary things like dating or work related, just moving out of home etc normal life stuff that should be easy just isnt when i cant stop thinking about becoming a woman

It doesnt quite feel like that sometimes, it feels like i just want to run back into that bubble world of mine put those desires back to only whispers go back to hiding and stay invisible, go back to feeling miserable

Quote from: Sephirah on January 21, 2018, 05:14:37 PM

Sweetie, this is a process that doesn't happen overnight. I know how all-consuming it can feel, but the first steps are ones that, relatively, take the longest. The understanding, acceptance, and actually taking that leap of faith in getting it out there into the world. It takes some folks years, hon. Making the changes are well understood, and a lot more structured, but actually realising how and why those changes need to be made is often uncharted territory for many.

Thats something i havent had alot of for awhile "Faith" 

Quote from: Sephirah on January 21, 2018, 05:14:37 PM

I know how it feels to feel alone, and lonely, and worthless. I've had an intimate relationship with not liking myself. It's a dark place where sometimes there doesn't seem any light to walk towards. But you're not alone, Christy. You're not. There are people who care about you, and want the best for you, even if you can't see them. You're not a freak, okay? You're someone hurting a lot, and wondering where to turn or what to do next. You're not worthless. No one is worthless, Christy. You're a person, with a spirit and a mind just as beautiful, unique and valuable as anyone else. With just as much right to be yourself as anyone else.

I am trying to get out of that dark place now my 20's were really hard for me, and really dragged me down, the only thing that i can think off to get back to a happy place and out into the world again is being female, but i havent acknowledged her for so long thats part of why i made that thread it feels so ridiculous, not only did it feel ridiculous to want to be female, but also to have suppressed that desire for so long because all i have done is suppress my life instead

I have/had quite a few toxic people in my life that have made me feel this way and think otherwise another need for isolation

Thank you for saying

Quote from: Sephirah on January 21, 2018, 05:14:37 PM
It isn't too late for you, Christy, to get to where you want to be. It really isn't. Life is what you make it, not something that happens to you, okay? Sweetie, it seems like you feel caught up in a storm of emotions and sensations and you feel like you're adrift, not knowing where to turn or what to do. Take your time, okay? You're not alone in this, and you don't have to be.

Let me ask you something, hon. Would doing something about the way you feel make you feel any worse than you do right now? If not, then what do you have to lose?

*extra big hug* I believe in you, sweetie.

I guess i become numb to everything, it sort of did feel like life just happened to me and yes i am very much caught in a sea of emotions and sensations about life, i have been adrift for quite some time, i realize that not acknowledging it like i have done has got me nowhere or rather next to nowhere,

Thank you for being so understanding

Ive been asking myself that question all year, im not happy now, but would i still not be happy as a woman? sometimes its like i can hear my mum saying that to me in my head, like im bracing myself for her response "i dont think you would be happy as a woman" you havent been all that feminine in your life, is that why you think you like boys? or something like that and then i think she's not wrong.... and the cycle begins again......

*hugs* thank you for caring listening to my crazy self

I agree with Sephirah. You have come a long way. Yes there is more work to do but it appears you are more willing to do what it takes. Will you be fulfilled by tomorrow? A week? A month? It's up to you. How bad you want this change. Keep talking about it. Be open to people trying to help you. Discussion will ease your mind and help you make the decision best for you. Read up and be informed. I didn't think I could start HRt due to all my health problems but advice by Dena and HughE gave me hope that I could start. Turns out all my health problems are related to the same effects that make me transgender. I am miles away from where I was a year and a half ago. The last two times I have visited my doctor I have not reported any depression. For the first time in 40 years. Even my wife is seeing the changes as positive which takes a load off my shoulders. I tell you this not to pat myself on the back but to show you it can be done. Best wishes for your future. We are here if you want to discuss, don't be afraid to ask.

Thank you for the kind words , im trying my best to overcome the blockages ive placed on myself and im glad things are changing for the better for you 

Sometimes things just got so overwhelming in my head and no one to really talk to about this i just end up ranting here, and again sorry if i do too much ranting....... making to many feeling sorry for myself posts/self absorbed? 

Quote from: Christy Lee on January 23, 2018, 07:10:23 PM
Thank you for the kind words , im trying my best to overcome the blockages ive placed on myself and im glad things are changing for the better for you 

Sometimes things just got so overwhelming in my head and no one to really talk to about this i just end up ranting here, and again sorry if i do too much ranting....... making to many feeling sorry for myself posts/self absorbed? 

I've been there. The mere fact you are venting here gives me hope you will find your way.

     Christy you said "I feel like a freak " this brought tears to my eyes as I too have said these words it was the title of a post I made 2 1/2 years ago it was one of the first posts I had made anywhere I have since learned through much support and many tears that I am NOT a freak I never was and neither are you  This realization takes time and a lot of self examination and soul searching look deep inside and strive to become the person you are meant to be in this  lies true happiness

     bobbisue

Quote from: bobbisue on January 23, 2018, 08:09:06 PM
     Christy you said "I feel like a freak " this brought tears to my eyes as I too have said these words it was the title of a post I made 2 1/2 years ago it was one of the first posts I had made anywhere I have since learned through much support and many tears that I am NOT a freak I never was and neither are you  This realization takes time and a lot of self examination and soul searching look deep inside and strive to become the person you are meant to be in this  lies true happiness

     bobbisue

Sorry if i upset you

Quote from: Christy Lee on January 23, 2018, 07:10:23 PM
Sometimes things just got so overwhelming in my head and no one to really talk to about this i just end up ranting here, and again sorry if i do too much ranting....... making to many feeling sorry for myself posts/self absorbed?

Christy, it's okay. It really is. It's better to get it out here, where you can look at what you write over and over and examine it as it applies to how you're feeling at the time. Sweetie, there are lots of people all going through the same thing you are. And I know that people reading someone else having the same feelings they are, makes them feel not quite so alone.

Also, you're not crazy. Whether it would make you happy... honestly I don't know. I'll be honest with you, I see a lot of people post here that transitioning will, in their minds, suddenly make their lives immeasurably better and make them intrinsically happier people. And maybe in some ways it would. Being able to be oneself no doubt has a degree of that.

I'm not sure it will suddenly solve all the problems in your life. A "magic bullet" as it were. But by the sounds of it, it will remove a lot of the almost obsessive thought patterns you've been having and allow you to actually focus on your life for once, instead of trying to block it out. And that can only really be a good thing. Maybe it will allow you to be happier as a person, Christy. Not just a woman. Maybe it will allow you to focus on living life as an individual, not having to repress stuff or hide away from it. And that in itself may make you happier.

Maybe the happiness comes from finding things which make you happy, not having to think about this stuff anymore.

*hugs*

Christy Lee:  Your original post and the replies to it are a reoccurring theme in most transgender discussions..... so you are not alone with your feelings, many of us share your thoughts.
Make decisions about these life changing events very carefully.  One can not change the past but one does have a say in the future.
Wishing you well in whatever you decide.

Quote from: Christy Lee on January 21, 2018, 04:05:48 PM
I feel like, i cant see past this ie wanting to be female, to think about anything else, as much as ive tried its just made become rather alone and isolated and invisible, i feel lonely, i feel alone, i feel shame, i feel worthless, i feel like i dont like myself, i feel like a freak 

But still above all this, i feel fear greater than all of it, i feel like nothing will change for me

I feel like deciding not to transition Earlier in my life when i first thought about wanting to be female, has ruined my life

Younger transitioners have a lot of hardships, perhaps different in some ways, but it's still not a bed of roses I don't think. I started my transition at 35, and I am happy with what I have been able to achieve.