I just keep thinking about my safety mostly. You hear about what women go through with harrasment and rape. Add on to it being trans in nyc and it's petrifying. I'm also alone right now and I know women, trans or not, can be independent and take care of themselves- but I just feel so vulnerable.

I feel terrible that I'm scared over something I have no proof of. When I go out at night guys catcall and even approach me. I'm not full of myself, I actually have many insecurities. I'm in such a big place by myself. Not to mention finding out my roommates are overcharging me rent to the point I'm paying it all (but they're still behind $7k..). I feel like I can't trust people.

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I can't imagine what it would be like living in NYC.  I'd feel uncomfortable there even if I was a cis man.  I live in a village of no more than 300, and the nearest "big town" where I go shopping has a population of 4000.  So I get it that the big city would freak you out.  But my understanding of NYC is that you can be pretty weird and no one will even notice you.

You have to look at your big picture.  Would it be worth it to live with the continuing dysphoria just on the chance that something bad might happen to you?  In spite of the terrible things that we hear reported on the news, the reality is that most trans women live their lives with nothing more than the odd glance that lasts a little too long.

Have you tried spending a day going about the city as your true self?  I did, and it was transformative for me.

Ironically, I was in the city (population 400,000, big for here) for an therapist appointment to discuss my fear of going full-time.  Because of winter weather, I went a day early and stayed overnight in a hotel.  So I had an evening and a morning to kill before my appointment.  Although I checked into my hotel in male mode, I spent the rest of the time in Kathy mode.

In the evening, I went out with some of my support group friends to a nightclub where one of the group members was MC-ing a comedy night.  In the morning, I went out for breakfast, wandered around the shopping district, bought a few items, had lunch in a nice little coffee shop, all presenting as Kathy.

By the time of my appointment, I was feeling pretty good.  I ended up being a bit unfocused about my fears, because they were in the process of evaporating.  My therapist suggested a few more appointments to discuss the fear, but, by the time I drove home, I realized that I didn't need them. 

That day of freedom cured me!  YMMV.  I can't promise you similar results, but if you haven't tried spending a day out in public, I would strongly recommend it.

First, you need to change roommates. If they are not trustworthy, it's not good living arrangement.

Second, some neighborhoods in NYC might be dominated by some ethnicity that isn't very friendly towards trans people. The good part is that you can move to another neighborhood not too far away to get a different experience.

I'd say, look for a better place to live. Check out with a local trans-support group if you attend any for area recommendations and leads.


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Here is a list of NYC support groups. It is so much easier when you have others around you that appreciate what you are going through. They give you strength and the assurance you are not alone. Luckily it appears that NYC is well stocked with support groups. Of course we are here to listen and help when possible. It's a big decision to come out in public and it takes a while to feel comfortable. Hope all turns around for you.
https://www1.nyc.gov/site/doh/health/health-topics/transgender-support.page


Hugs

I second that...  if your name isn't on the lease, you need to leave them there and find trustworthy roommates.  If your name is on the lease, get rid of them and find real roommates.  I have been through NYC a few times... I have found a few areas where I wouldn't want to go as a man.  So I'd look into some new areas with friendlier people.  As stated previously, the local trans community groups could steer you in the right direction.

I understand your insecurities and the fear of the unknown.  Unfortunately NYC isn't all that gun friendly, or I'd suggest a concealed carry.  It never has to come out, but gives me a little less anxiety walking solo in the big cities.  I am a motorcyclist and make cross country trips somewhat frequently, I always carry for my own piece of mind.

As far as going "full time", don't let your circumstances stifle your happiness.  If going full time is what you really want, then you need to find a place that you feel comfortable doing it.  You're going to have depression, dysphoria, and some resentment build by staying in a place that supresses your need to be yourself.  The best way that I have found to delay/mitigate the negative emotions is to get yourself a plan together, and follow it.  This too shall pass...  The more time you have getting comfortable "full time" the more natural things will become and the less anxiety you'll have in difficult places in the country.  The more confidence you get, the less you'll come up on people's radars.

Hi, as others said find trans support groups, there are many in NYC. Make friends and discuss living arrangements. Find a secure place to live.

When you have supportive trans friend and make a support network expressing will be easier.

I have friends in philly that lived in a bad areas. They moved to safer and more accepting places. There will always  be the guy that thinks being trans is a sexual thing and says things.

I second everything above.  My son lives in midtown Manhatten on the east side (2nd Ave) and I visited over the holidays.  We walked around, I walked around and had zero issues.

Stay out of places you would stay out as a guy.


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When you're on your deathbed you see the person you should have been, the person you could have been. That person you could and should see is a woman who chose life over death, granted being fulltime is dangerous and terrifying, it is more terrifying to see your fear of others hold back the life of the woman you are and should be. If that made any <expletive deleted> sense.

  <Moderator edited unacceptable language>

Wow! You've all given me a lot to think about. I do think going to a support group would be a good step. If only to feel I'm not all alone- since being trans is not common. I think it's frustrating that it's not as embraced as being LGB yet, especially for male to female transitioners.

We have it so hard to fit this "ideal" feminine/female image yet we (most of us) barely get any help we need. It's such an unrealisitic almost immediate expectation.

I feel like I want to embrace my inbetween stage even more than ever because I'm almost full dose of hrt already. With surgeries in the future this will all be a distant memory. Yet I have so much more respect, compassion and love for myself for going through this awkward stage.

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What Stella said is very true, to be who you are truly is living your life to the fullest with out regret, one of my friends said no matter if I call you your birth name or Natalie I will always love you and be there for you that is a true friend, yes it is very important to stay safe though but life is also full of risks. There are some parts of every city that is scary and crept me out even as male. You just have to be extra careful but in life anything can happen and you can't live in a bubble to fully protect you just make your self safe as possible

Quote from: Allison S on January 23, 2018, 04:53:34 AM
Wow! You've all given me a lot to think about. I do think going to a support group would be a good step. If only to feel I'm not all alone- since being trans is not common. I think it's frustrating that it's not as embraced as being LGB yet, especially for male to female transitioners.

We have it so hard to fit this "ideal" feminine/female image yet we (most of us) barely get any help we need. It's such an unrealisitic almost immediate expectation.

I feel like I want to embrace my inbetween stage even more than ever because I'm almost full dose of hrt already. With surgeries in the future this will all be a distant memory. Yet I have so much more respect, compassion and love for myself for going through this awkward stage.

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It's going to be the most difficult thing you've ever gone through, even after almost 3 years of HRT and going full time and the awkward transitioning at work phase, I still feel so much of a struggle and granted things get easier as you get used to it, there will always be days you feel like you're the runaway freak show from a circus. My best advice is to learn to love yourself which you hear all the time, and indeed it is a great struggle but honestly nobody else will and you'll find that as you lose friends/family and even get scathed by what you thought were supportive members of the LGBT community, it will all lead you down a dark path if you're not prepared for it. The beauty doesn't lie in the HRT or the makeup or "passing" it comes when you finally realize you only have to impress the woman that will meet you when you're ready to leave this world, and that woman is you. "Why didn't you love me, understand me and embrace me?" She will ask.

I sound like I am preaching but no words, actions or anything the world has to offer will overpower the dyspohria you will always have inside telling you that you're never pretty enough and never "woman" enough, yet stop and realize this world is full of hate and the approval of said hateful people is meaningless and all women trans or not have to break free of this objectification telling us whether we're beautiful or not. The only guarantee in life is that we will most likely die alone with only our hearts and experience to take away from this place.

You're transgender for a reason you and we are born into this world as women literally in "difficult mode." Find solace in that we have an understanding of womanhood that seldom women ever have or will, and if you can love the woman you are now then you can love any kind of woman you'll be in the next life and appreciate it and embrace to a degree no cisgender woman can. Remind yourself that life is a place to learn more about yourself and in turn, the universe learns more about itself.

If I somehow could, I would give Stella Sophia reply #10, +100 reputation.

That the sweetest thing I've ever read. Brought tears to my eyes...

Stella, that was awesome. I agree with you 100%. It was only about a week or so ago that I finally understood I don't have to be beautiful on the outside to transition, I just need to be me. Of course I will still try to be as pretty as I can, but that is no longer something holding me back. I know what has been hiding beneath this male shell has grown into someone beautiful. She will be coming into the light soon, and it will be the most wonderful day of my life.

Quote from: Stella Sophia on January 24, 2018, 02:36:39 AM
It's going to be the most difficult thing you've ever gone through, even after almost 3 years of HRT and going full time and the awkward transitioning at work phase, I still feel so much of a struggle and granted things get easier as you get used to it, there will always be days you feel like you're the runaway freak show from a circus. My best advice is to learn to love yourself which you hear all the time, and indeed it is a great struggle but honestly nobody else will and you'll find that as you lose friends/family and even get scathed by what you thought were supportive members of the LGBT community, it will all lead you down a dark path if you're not prepared for it. The beauty doesn't lie in the HRT or the makeup or "passing" it comes when you finally realize you only have to impress the woman that will meet you when you're ready to leave this world, and that woman is you. "Why didn't you love me, understand me and embrace me?" She will ask.

I sound like I am preaching but no words, actions or anything the world has to offer will overpower the dyspohria you will always have inside telling you that you're never pretty enough and never "woman" enough, yet stop and realize this world is full of hate and the approval of said hateful people is meaningless and all women trans or not have to break free of this objectification telling us whether we're beautiful or not. The only guarantee in life is that we will most likely die alone with only our hearts and experience to take away from this place.

You're transgender for a reason you and we are born into this world as women literally in "difficult mode." Find solace in that we have an understanding of womanhood that seldom women ever have or will, and if you can love the woman you are now then you can love any kind of woman you'll be in the next life and appreciate it and embrace to a degree no cisgender woman can. Remind yourself that life is a place to learn more about yourself and in turn, the universe learns more about itself.

Thank you. I've come to a point that I have no choice. There's really no place I can escape to in peace. One way or another I have to face the general public. My social anxiety is at it's worst and if it wasn't for my therapy appointment today I wouldn't know where to turn to.. I guess I'd try the hospital. I don't know what keeps me here. It's not the will to live.. I don't know anymore

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Hi Allison,

  As someone that has just been given a reprieve from wanting to die I feel I can say that there is a light in your future if you are willing to look for it. You are going to therapy today and I hope you will or have asked for help this issue. I did and though my life issues have not been resolved I can say my seeking death has been at the very least been put on hold thaks to agreeing to try medication. It has helped. It is working . And perhaps now we can work on those issues the drove me to plan my demise. Yes it got that far. I have a plan and was only waiting for the right time. But now that may not be necessary. I'm giving my friends and therapist more time to help me. I hope you will too. But hon please know you are not alone with your problems if you will just listen to those who want to help.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on January 24, 2018, 02:08:02 PM
Hi Allison,

  As someone that has just been given a reprieve from wanting to die I feel I can say that there is a light in your future if you are willing to look for it. You are going to therapy today and I hope you will or have asked for help this issue. I did and though my life issues have not been resolved I can say my seeking death has been at the very least been put on hold thaks to agreeing to try medication. It has helped. It is working . And perhaps now we can work on those issues the drove me to plan my demise. Yes it got that far. I have a plan and was only waiting for the right time. But now that may not be necessary. I'm giving my friends and therapist more time to help me. I hope you will too. But hon please know you are not alone with your problems if you will just listen to those who want to help.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Laurie, I don't know what your life issues are or could be. I know that it must be extremely painful to reach the point you have. Thinking of ending my life is something I struggle with constantly and have all my life. It started out as feeling as though I was carrying the weight of the world on my back and I wanted it to stop so badly.. Hearing you speak about the help you've found is so important. Maybe there is hope for me too as you said.

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Quote from: Allison S on January 26, 2018, 07:48:14 AM

Laurie, I don't know what your life issues are or could be. I know that it must be extremely painful to reach the point you have. Thinking of ending my life is something I struggle with constantly and have all my life. It started out as feeling as though I was carrying the weight of the world on my back and I wanted it to stop so badly.. Hearing you speak about the help you've found is so important. Maybe there is hope for me too as you said.

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I certainly hope that you too find that hope. I believe that there is hope for you.

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Quote from: Stella Sophia on January 24, 2018, 02:36:39 AM
life is a place to learn more about yourself and in turn, the universe learns more about itself.

You are wise little sister...

Onward,we go!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Allison ...My Dear Little Sister...

You can make this world and your life exactly what you want it to be!... You've read the thread I wrote about fear...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

I think you are allowing fear to be the loudest voice in the room when the voices that speak about hope and amazing possibilities need to be heard from as well...

I want you to search within yourself and find help if you need help... You are far from alone in this little sister... I suspect that like many... you will reach a point where you are tired of hiding and being scared....moving forward and living the truth of who you are inside will be easier than spending another moment denying yourself a life that is truly your own...

When I was your age... I always viewed life like a series of events that happen to us but,... it is not that... it is what we make it to be... we decide at very deep levels within ourself how we react... the life we will live...

Transforming a life is a big and wonderful thing... think big to make big things happen... if you recognize that you will never feel safe where you are... make a plan to move somewhere you would feel more comfortable... keep moving forward towards your goal each day... you know you have all of us here to help when it is hard and ready to celebrate your victories in the days, months and years to come... All will be well when you decide that all will be well...

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Yes I'm moving to the upper west side for a few months. After that who knows- but I do feel safer there and the street is quieter. I've always loved the neighborhood so finding a room that costs the same as what I'm paying now is a no brainer...

People are starting to stare and it's something I'll just have to get used to I guess. I never liked being the center of attention and I don't want to be. I just want to go to the bank without guys staring dead at me, I look away and look back and still... especially much older men! Maybe it's my fault for moving to the city.

I do feel a little better about myself. I'm also very emotionally fragile..I was already super sensitive before even starting hrt. I feel like a big part of my problem is the apartment I'm living in now and once I move- hopefully this weekend- things will start to look up again.

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