Last night, laying in bed and thinking about "things" like I often do, I realized that every major decision I've made in my life (that I could think of) was made for the benefit of someone else. What will make them happy. Not myself.

I always seem to want to do whatever is best for others. As I consider how to really be happy so late in my life, I'm doing it again. Big time! Don't want my wife to leave, don't want my children to disown me, don't want my friends and neighbors to laugh at me, and the best one, don't want strangers to think lowly of me! Sounds pretty ridiculous!!! And it wasn't just my gender issues. It applied in my career and social life just as badly. Don't want to rock the boat!

Somehow I have to break this pattern. It's now or never I guess. I don't want to live the rest of life like this.

Being considerate of others is one thing, being a coward is totally different. I guess I'm just a coward.

Pitiful!!!

That doesn't make you a coward, just human like the rest of us.

Sounds like someone's about ready to start taking what they want from this world! 

Hugs, Devlyn

Time for therapy hon. That's not cowardice in any shape or form, so please don't berate yourself for that, but you do need some help (I'm going to send a PM)

(Hugs)

Rowan

Katie,

Please don't be so hard on yourself. It's called coping, and I suspect almost all of us have done it to some extent.

I know I considered myself to be a freak and a coward, terrified of being ostracized to the point where I compromised myself constantly to appease everyone around me. Even now I still dismiss the occasional comments about being so courageous for following my new path, by saying it's not bravery, it's desperation. I keep telling myself that maybe, yes, there is some merit in pursuing transition despite being scared to death of it. But old habits always seem to reassert themselves, and my doubts wont let me acknowledge the kudos.

There's a line that's attributed to John Wayne that's something like, "Courage is being scared to death, and saddling up anyway." All of us here have saddled up, and need to give ourselves credit for it.

Be well,

Stephanie

Quote from: Katie Ellen on January 30, 2018, 11:48:37 AM
Last night, laying in bed and thinking about "things" like I often do, I realized that every major decision I've made in my life (that I could think of) was made for the benefit of someone else. What will make them happy. Not myself.

I always seem to want to do whatever is best for others. As I consider how to really be happy so late in my life, I'm doing it again. Big time! Don't want my wife to leave, don't want my children to disown me, don't want my friends and neighbors to laugh at me, and the best one, don't want strangers to think lowly of me! Sounds pretty ridiculous!!! And it wasn't just my gender issues. It applied in my career and social life just as badly. Don't want to rock the boat!

Somehow I have to break this pattern. It's now or never I guess. I don't want to live the rest of life like this.

Being considerate of others is one thing, being a coward is totally different. I guess I'm just a coward.

Pitiful!!!

I worry about what others will suffer from my decisions. If it were a whim it would be one thing but my wife has known for thirty five years. I thought I was being selfish but since starting HRT a year and a half later, I realize our relation is better than ever. I am not suffering debilitating depression. I don't think about my bits 24/7. I've gotten over the fact I have a cocktail weiner and not a foot long. If I could only get rid of it all together...My wife and I now talk more than ever.  My kids are very accepting. On a scale of 1 to 10 my life is a 9.  I remembered why I love this woman and it wasn't sex.

Sounds like you've more than earned some consideration for yourself and what you want in life.

This struck me. I hope you can get what you need and the love everyone has for you will grow as a result.. it's scary transitioning but then it does usually become a must..

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Katie, I don't think you are a coward.  We have all been in the situation you are in now. 

Even once I was certain that I was trans, it still took me months to work up the courage to tell my wife.  Some of the folks here remember the struggle I had.  I had every reason to assume that she would be accepting, and yet I could not do it. 

I had to do some hard work looking at myself to get a clear picture of where I would be in 10 or 20 years if I didn't tell her.  It was only the horror of that vision that convinced me that I had to do it.  And I had to fully accept within my heart that I would be all right if my wife decided to leave me.  Not to neglect her feelings, I had to decide that I would make it as right as I could for her, financially, if she were to leave.  Once I had accepted those risks, I was able to do it.  And it was still the hardest thing I have ever done.

I am not telling you my story to scare you.  What I am saying is that this journey we are on is hard work.  You are not a coward.  You are just not yet ready.  But, keep at it and, in time, you will be ready.

In the meantime, as you do the work you need to prepare, be kind to yourself.  You are human, and you are facing a scary road ahead.  It is okay to be worried.

And, sometimes, in spite of our fears, things just work out.  The scariest moment of my life was when I said, "Sweetie, there's something I need to tell you."  Two minutes later, I heard the most beautiful words in my life: "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you."

Quote from: Katie Ellen on January 30, 2018, 11:48:37 AM
Last night, laying in bed and thinking about "things" like I often do, I realized that every major decision I've made in my life (that I could think of) was made for the benefit of someone else. What will make them happy. Not myself.

I always seem to want to do whatever is best for others. As I consider how to really be happy so late in my life, I'm doing it again. Big time! Don't want my wife to leave, don't want my children to disown me, don't want my friends and neighbors to laugh at me, and the best one, don't want strangers to think lowly of me! Sounds pretty ridiculous!!! And it wasn't just my gender issues. It applied in my career and social life just as badly. Don't want to rock the boat!

Somehow I have to break this pattern. It's now or never I guess. I don't want to live the rest of life like this.

Being considerate of others is one thing, being a coward is totally different. I guess I'm just a coward.

Pitiful!!!

There is a price to be paid for both decisions, staying put or moving forward. Every fear about every person you mentioned above I know intimately. I only moved forward when I was desperate enough and couldn't take it any longer. I can't say what you would face, but for me 99% of my fears were in my head and did not materialize. If you are at the tipping point where you can't continue as you are, it is possible it could go much better than you fear it might. Don't consider yourself pitiful. You have to be ready to accept the consequences. It is a tough decision and the fear is powerful. If the desperation isn't as strong as the fear, you will probably not go forward. It doesn't mean you are a coward, it means the stakes are high in this crappy game of dysphoria that we are stuck playing.
Moni

You aren't a coward. Don't berate yourself because questioning your very identity is  hard thing. It has a lot of consequences that go beyond mere physical changes. There is a real risk your marriage will suffer from it. However, consider this; do you want to look back in 20-30 years and say "I wish I had..."?

I had that decision to make 5 months ago and I went ahead with HRT. My family is still adjusting, but the risk was worth it and I know it was absolutely the right decision. Only you can decide what is right. Know though that many people here faced the same struggle and you aren't alone.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 30, 2018, 12:40:02 PM
There's a line that's attributed to John Wayne that's something like, "Courage is being scared to death, and saddling up anyway."

That's the perfect way to describe this process. I also don't give myself much credit for being "brave" as others put it. I'm not trying to be brave, just trying to have a normal and happy life.

To the OP, hang in there! As others said, your fears are part of the process. You're not the only one, we're all in this together.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know what I have to do.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 31, 2018, 08:18:02 AM
That's the perfect way to describe this process. I also don't give myself much credit for being "brave" as others put it. I'm not trying to be brave, just trying to have a normal and happy life.

You know, it's funny. I'm the same way. I don't think of myself as brave... but I definitely think of you and everyone else here as brave. Why is it that we can view the actions of everyone around as brave, which I truly believe they are, but fail to see our own bravery?

Quote from: Katie Ellen on January 30, 2018, 11:48:37 AM
Last night, laying in bed and thinking about "things" like I often do, I realized that every major decision I've made in my life (that I could think of) was made for the benefit of someone else. What will make them happy. Not myself.

I always seem to want to do whatever is best for others. As I consider how to really be happy so late in my life, I'm doing it again. Big time! Don't want my wife to leave, don't want my children to disown me, don't want my friends and neighbors to laugh at me, and the best one, don't want strangers to think lowly of me! Sounds pretty ridiculous!!! And it wasn't just my gender issues. It applied in my career and social life just as badly. Don't want to rock the boat!

Somehow I have to break this pattern. It's now or never I guess. I don't want to live the rest of life like this.

Being considerate of others is one thing, being a coward is totally different. I guess I'm just a coward.

Pitiful!!!

It isn't cowardly, Katie. It's what someone does when they base how they see themselves on how everyone around them sees them. It's what someone does when they look outward for some kind of self identity. When they can't, or don't want to look inward. When the world tells you who you are, it's easier than having to tell yourself who you are.

That isn't cowardly. It's trying to find your place in the world. Sometimes we reinforce how we see ourselves based on how those closest to us see us. "You're a good father." "A good husband". "A good friend". "A model guy". It's what a lot of people do when they're dealing with this, especially when doubt and denial come into play. We let people define our identity for us, and go along with it. Because it's easier to agree than question. It's easier to believe that other people know better than we do. And to go along with that because it feels like an affirmation of all the denial. Even though deep down I think people know that can only go so far and last so long. It isn't ridiculous. It's what people do when they need a persona and don't understand, or don't want to accept the way they feel inside.

It's a question of living other people's lives because of being too unsure, afraid, or refusing to admit to being able to live one's own. That isn't cowardly, Katie. It's reaching for that piece of driftwood in a storm at sea. Something to hold onto.

Knowing yourself and what you want is definitely a step towards getting away from this. To live life for you, and who you want to be. Knowing who you are allows you to know what you want. Not just what others tell you that you want. To make yourself happy you must first know who that self is. And it sounds like you're definitely on that path, sweetie. It sounds like you're learning to swim.

Keep going. *big hug*

Quote from: Roll on January 31, 2018, 03:38:54 PM
You know, it's funny. I'm the same way. I don't think of myself as brave... but I definitely think of you and everyone else here as brave. Why is it that we can view the actions of everyone around as brave, which I truly believe they are, but fail to see our own bravery?

Well we have to live with our doubts and fears 24/7. Hard to feel brave when all you can think of is "what the hell am I doing?"

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on February 01, 2018, 08:41:37 AM
Well we have to live with our doubts and fears 24/7. Hard to feel brave when all you can think of is "what the hell am I doing?"

Amen Sister!  I need to find my denial monster and shoot it in the face. 

Hello Katie Ellen

I am 62 but I recall probably that, right up to 40 I was concerned both at work and socially about what other people think or to be precise what I assumed they would think. I know how difficult it is to fight this fear.

The fear is greater as regards our transgender situation. I certainly fear losing some friends but on the other hand, if that were to happen perhaps they were not true friends anyway. I also fear mocking and being ridiculed by neighbours but on the other hand I do not have to associate with them if I don't wish to.

I am in the closet in therapy and seeking HRT and Electrolysis. Like you I have fear socially if I were in femme mode but I suggest you remember two things:
You are not a coward.
Times are changing; in 2010 you hardly ever saw a trans person in public; now it is a common occurrence.

Hello Charlie Nicki

Just want to say I (as I have been reading Susan's for some time but only just joined) I like your previous motto "We Trans can do it" but I like you new avatar even more.

Pamela

you are not a coward

Quote from: pamelatransuk on February 02, 2018, 08:01:41 AM
Hello Katie Ellen

I am 62 but I recall probably that, right up to 40 I was concerned both at work and socially about what other people think or to be precise what I assumed they would think. I know how difficult it is to fight this fear.

The fear is greater as regards our transgender situation. I certainly fear losing some friends but on the other hand, if that were to happen perhaps they were not true friends anyway. I also fear mocking and being ridiculed by neighbours but on the other hand I do not have to associate with them if I don't wish to.

I am in the closet in therapy and seeking HRT and Electrolysis. Like you I have fear socially if I were in femme mode but I suggest you remember two things:
You are not a coward.
Times are changing; in 2010 you hardly ever saw a trans person in public; now it is a common occurrence.

Hello Charlie Nicki

Just want to say I (as I have been reading Susan's for some time but only just joined) I like your previous motto "We Trans can do it" but I like you new avatar even more.

Pamela

you are not a coward

Thank you very much Pamela, you are very sweet.

I used to think I was a coward too.
I used to think I would take my secret to the grave with me.
Things change.
After I finally came out and started living full time and transitioning I realized I wasn't a coward at all. I was pretty darn brave the whole time just to keep fighting every single day in a society that sent me only messages that there was something wrong with me.  Now I'm not sad or regretful. I'm mad.
There is nothing wrong with you.
I'm going to say something to you now that no one may have said to you in a long time. If ever.
It's your life!