My transition although not medically started Oct '15.  That's when I came out to myself and the first person. Medically I started transitioning mid-2016 and went full-time Denise in March 2017.  That's all in my profile but I think there are some unseen events that I've not heard talked about here.  Those are the mental changes that happen so suddenly I was caught off guard.

Sure we all have the "I feel better", "the voices have gone quiet", "I don't want to kill myself every day."  For those of us who have at least started Hormone Therapy, this is all too familiar.  But what I have found are three unexpected experiences.

After being on HT for a few months I got my ears pierced which was potentially traumatic.  It was the first "permanent" outward change I made.  Three days later I felt like a warm blanket was wrapped around me.  I was totally at peace with my decision to transition.

A few months ago I realized that I hadn't thought about my gender in months.  I am just me, not a guy, not a girl, not a transwoman, just me.  I believe at that moment I understood what it meant to be CIS.

This week I've had a new experience that, I believe, was the start of the rest of my life.  This week I've attended a few group events where I was Denise.  NOT Trans-Denise, just Denise, no one special.  One of the ladies.  I have felt good all week and that is one more testament to making the right decision.

Yes I am starting to notice the same effect, that I dont think my gender constantly anymore. I am just me...

Yes. One of the main results of HRT was that I felt comfortable enough not to think about gender anywhere near as much, and things that used to prompt me to think of it negatively no longer do.

But it makes me wonder -

How much of a sense of wellbeing toward gender is coming from the HRT, and how much from the rest of transition? I had already accepted myself a long time ago before I even thought of transition so I know it isn't due to that. I also know I wasn't all that worried about what other people thought or what other people called me. My main issue was always my own view of my own body.

So that said...

There's a chance transition might only retain its effectiveness so long as I continue HRT. If for some reason I could not get the HRT or the right amount of medication, that has serious mental implications as well as physical ones. . .

Even if I get all the surgery I want and have all the support from people around me, if HRT was for some reason stopped, would I fall back into the exact same pit of despair as before?

It's something I think about.

Quote from: Kylo on February 03, 2018, 10:42:52 AM
...
Even if I get all the surgery I want and have all the support from people around me, if HRT was for some reason stopped, would I fall back into the exact same pit of despair as before?...

Kylo, I totally agree.  The meds are what helped immediately.  But to some extent was it a placebo effect?  I've always wondered.  I stopped E for 4 weeks for surgery and that was okay.  I wonder what would have happened if I stopped Spiro for that long.  My guess is I would start to feel out again.

Testosterone is a killer chemical and for me is a poison.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Kylo on February 03, 2018, 10:42:52 AM
There's a chance transition might only retain its effectiveness so long as I continue HRT. If for some reason I could not get the HRT or the medication, that has serious mental implications as well as physical ones. . .

Even if I get all the surgery I want and have all the support from people around me, if HRT was for some reason stopped, would I fall back into the exact same pit of despair as before?

From what I have seen, Testosterone is evil for MTFs and Estrogen is evil for FTMs. Suppressing the production of them results in us becoming more comfortable with ourselves so if your surgery includes removal of the primary source of estrogen, discontinuing Testosterone should't reset you to day one. You still might feel better on Testosterone as it contributes to physical abilities and emotions, but I don't believe you would return to the depressed state that you experienced before.

Quote from: Denise on February 02, 2018, 09:35:03 PM

After being on HT for a few months I got my ears pierced which was potentially traumatic.  It was the first "permanent" outward change I made.  Three days later I felt like a warm blanket was wrapped around me.  I was totally at peace with my decision to transition.

Getting one's ears pierced can do that.  It's a basic rite of passage.  I also found it to be a very profound experience.

      I don't know if this applies to others but being off E for 2 1/2 months I am suffering worse than before I started hormones the depression is back and harder to handle as I now know what true happiness is fortunately I found out that I will be back on E in 3 weeks it feels like forever but there is hope now

     bobbisue

Quote from: bobbisue on February 03, 2018, 10:54:03 PM
      I don't know if this applies to others but being off E for 2 1/2 months I am suffering worse than before I started hormones the depression is back and harder to handle as I now know what true happiness is fortunately I found out that I will be back on E in 3 weeks it feels like forever but there is hope now

     bobbisue

3 weeks is a wait for sure but congrats on getting the approval again! Do you know if there's anyway it can be expedited?

Denise that's because you are a woman. We all are women and men or a combination of the two if we so choose. I'm just starting but that's what I think.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Quote from: bobbisue on February 03, 2018, 10:54:03 PM
      I don't know if this applies to others but being off E for 2 1/2 months I am suffering worse than before I started hormones the depression is back and harder to handle as I now know what true happiness is fortunately I found out that I will be back on E in 3 weeks it feels like forever but there is hope now

     bobbisue

A few years ago I had to stop taking estrogen based contraceptives that I had been taking continuously for a long time. I didn't want to take it, it was just a routine I was in at the time. The sudden drop in E caused a lot of mental stress - sadness, depression, anxiety, even paranoia to an extent (a feeling everything in the world was going wrong suddenly and that I needed to escape somehow). It was so strong it made me make some major life decisions/changes out of fear.

I don't think the general depression people have when they quit E is a placebo effect, it's definitely a result of the hormone itself being taken away. But at the time, you can be less convinced of that and think that it's you, or something going on in the world that's the problem. Knowing you'll be back on it in a few weeks it a good thing, knowing it's the hormone itself that causes most of that depression when it's absent is much better than not knowing the underlying reason for feeling bad. I would just focus on the idea you will soon have the E again and will feel better. When you don't have a focus or something to look forward to it can be the worst.

     I truly believe that my depression is a result of the cessation of estrogen the issues I have faced in the past few months while difficult would not have led to a severe depression the combination nearly pushed me over the edge now I have some hope to grasp onto I am doing much better

     bobbisue

Hi Denise,

I understand and feel the same. I never think about gender anymore and I am comfortable in my skin. I am very happy I transitioned.

What I am thinking about is the next segment of my life.