I've read some stories when it comes down to keeping it in the closet getting married and then later on the gate flooding open

That's me, it doesn't work. Being married and having kids doesn't take away the issue, just adds layers of complexity.

Asakawa...

I know you have a lot of concerns you are juggling right now but, you will find your way with all of this and...all will be well...

You are here on Susan's looking for something... You have femininity inside you which aches for expression and you are looking also, at all the reasons you feel you can't let that out freely into the world as well... How you live your life will be up to you but the struggle you are feeling is a common struggle here in our world and you are far from alone...

One of the things I think you are seeking here are perspectives that will allow you to see around the obstacles in your path...You seek examples of others who have made it work with similar circumstances... No ones path is exactly the same but we are joined by many a common thread... I would urge you to work closely with a therapist and work out what is most important to you in all of this for happiness in the future... Self acceptance is at the core of this journey... We have to love that woman inside because...we put ourself through a lot to let her out, so she can live her life...

I hold to the opinion that this process of transition is much more internal than the external aspect of it that we can often focus on... i started living full time femme outside my work one month into HRT... A muscular guy who looked far from femme... If "passabilty" had been my only yardstick for happiness and success in all of this... I would have been, and still would be, a very unhappy woman indeed... if I had been waiting for some state of perfect "passibility"... I would still be waiting instead of living an amazing and happy life ....This was, and is...about far more than that to me...Your perspective on the importance of the external part of all this may be different and that is fine sister... You may also find that, if you move forward... your perspectives and priorities may be changing just as much as the rest of you... The need to express the woman inside may become far more important than creating a flawless cis female presentation....Each of us must find their own way with this...

Keep thinking, exploring and asking questions sister... filter out the noise that comes from the opinions and expectations of others...talk with that woman at your core and seek a path forward that will lead you to the place in your life where you truly want to be...Wishing you all good things as you explore the road ahead!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

It sounds like you are at a crossroads in your life right now.  I hope you can find an opportunity at this moment when you are feeling a little fragile and anxious to move forward.  It sounds like you want to start over and HRT is the way you want to do that.  It didn't work out before for one reason or the other and you are worried about what your family will think and how you will look as a woman and will you find a partner.  A lot of stuff to worry about all at once and doing it all alone without support is not ideal.  You mentioned a trans support group. Are you still going to meetings?  And it sounds like after 4 years of living as a man you are feeling stuck.  Hormones had an amazing effect on feminizing you once before and there is really no reason to think the same won't happen again.   But I personally think that being a woman is so more that just the way one looks.
Maybe it might help to ask yourself at this point a few questions:  For example: What is the payoff in remaining stuck? What am I really getting from it?  Is the life I have now making me happy? Is my lack of a decision on what to do next actually a decision to just keep living the way I am now?  Forget about everybody else for a minute. What do YOU want to do?  I can think of lots of other questions that would be good to contemplate and this is where a good gender therapist is really worth her weight in gold as she can guide you to ask these difficult questions that you may be avoiding. 
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Tgirlamc but you look so pretty it is just hard to believe. I love your confidence and your wonderful attitude everything is very admirable. I would not have enough confidence in my self to go out dressed as fully femme as 100%fully male. I just dont have that confidence plus i would not enjoy any ridiculing i dont think anyone does. I do love the confidence from mtf trans who can do that.  Me i am more fragile. I just dont like the male changes i have seen and when i see girls i jusf get these feelings that i want to be like them. I am rather happy with my life intil the gender issues surface and i notoced that putting them off just makes them stronger. In a way it almost feels unfair because i could be living my life fine but then my trans desires surface and so then i have to deal with them. Obviously if i did not have them then id be like any other person out there but i am special

Asakawa, do you go to a trans group? If you do not I recommend you go to one or two on a regular basis. You will find friendship with others there and have things in common. You can express there with no judgement. From the pics you are very feminine and should feel very comfortable in community.

Quote from: Asakawa on February 04, 2018, 06:16:27 PM
Tgirlamc but you look so pretty it is just hard to believe. I love your confidence and your wonderful attitude everything is very admirable. I would not have enough confidence in my self to go out dressed as fully femme as 100%fully male. I just dont have that confidence plus i would not enjoy any ridiculing i dont think anyone does. I do love the confidence from mtf trans who can do that.  Me i am more fragile. I just dont like the male changes i have seen and when i see girls i jusf get these feelings that i want to be like them. I am rather happy with my life intil the gender issues surface and i notoced that putting them off just makes them stronger. In a way it almost feels unfair because i could be living my life fine but then my trans desires surface and so then i have to deal with them. Obviously if i did not have them then id be like any other person out there but i am special

Hey Asakawa!!!

You are special!!!

There are as many ways of making a life work with gender dysphasia as there are people affected with it... if for the most part you are happy with your life... full transition might not be the best route for you... perhaps it is or will be sometime in the future... Again, a therapist and support groups would be a wonderful way to explore different options as well as strategies to cope with the GD....

If you had friends in a group, perhaps you could try going out en femme to places that are fairly safe... LGBTQ clubs etc... It would be a good way to build up confidence about being out and you wouldn't be alone... I can tell this is weighing on you and finding a way to keep moving forward, in exploring what's going on, is going to serve you well as far as your happiness and peace of mind in the future!!!

You will find your way my friend!!!

Hugs!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Just one thing is that I don't really dance or go partying lol. I am an awkward one. I certainly have been speaking with my family more and more about it, and seem to be more supportive; though sometimes 'weird' things are thrown around . Anyway, when it comes down to a gender therapist, you know, I've already seen a psychologist about my transgender issues before while I was on hrt. I thought it was beneficial, but I did not really get anything else out of it. I think it felt like if I were talking to anyone else who would want to listen to my story which is nice. I mean, I know I have a lot of work to do because it has been a while since hrt, but I feel that I can get back onto the road I was on in those terms. I definitely want to go about my day dress in feme I just first need to get this beard off my face. There is just no way I'd go out with a face full of beard ! I did manage to get some donations of feme clothes to try on and that made me very happy. Well, until I realize just how much skinnier I look in them . In other words I need to put on some pounds. Weird because I tend to be around 190 lbs though back then during hrt I was usually around 180 lbs, I think. At the time I did not work out as much as I did. In the past 4 years I kind of did 'bury' myself and my trans feeling over working myself. It's weird that I am heavier now, but look much skinner though I think being off the hrt for that time also made me lose my shape. I'm thankful to everyone for listening here and also providing some input on my looks, well at least my old looks lol because I don't look like that now . I just got to be hopeful for the future. I have not been ot my old trans gender support group, but I am thinking on going back and visiting sometime. It's just so tough when you have a day full of responsibilities and things that need to be done. I'll do this all one step at a time right now I am quite happy with the Emerita Pro-Gest cream from amazon that I bought over the counter. I've been using it since late december/Jan and I think it has helped me grow a few baby hairs on my male pattern hair. My left upper side was my 'bad side', but now it looks like my best side! Kind of crazy. I have to save up some money to go back on HRT. To be honest I just don't know if I can afford a gender therapist. HRT can be expensive. Then I would also have to save for future surgeries

Asakawa,

I don't know if it is helpful but I can tell you a little about my experiences. They seem to be very typical of members here.

I too had inklings that something was wrong for quite a while. However, if I stayed distracted, I didn't notice as much. I had many times that I would get femme clothes and end up getting rid of them and promising myself I would be stronger. This happened right through finding a best friend who I married. We had three kids. I love my wife greatly and we have been married for 27 years. My kids are about to turn 16, 18 & 20. I am so proud of these individual strong people. I have great battles inside myself. I wish I could have realized everything when I was younger and so many of the male features I have would not be so deeply etched. Yet I still love my wife and kids. If I had transitioned earlier I would not have them in my life.

Every ten years or so I seemed to catch myself thinking I am wasting time. I have a job I like for the most part, my family is proud of me. However, something is still not right. It's like there's a haze over my life and vision. Am I wasting my life? Finally after this occurring  multiple times and many sets of clothing was wasted I hit a depression in my life about 3 years ago. I started seeing a therapist for the first time at 50.

I  just wanted to be "cured". The cure? I did massive amounts of research on line. I kept seeing my therapist. After three months I came to the conclusion that I was transgender. I was terrified. I finally told my wife. I have been very blessed that my wife, my kids and everyone that I have told, so far, have supported me. I understand that is not the case all of the time. However, I can tell you that you are right. The longer you push it away the harder it comes back the next time. It does not ever go away. You cannot be cured. You can only accept it and transition in the way that is right  for you. You don't have to be public and go through all the surgeries or you can. Some people are content to just take HRT for the rest of their life. Some will dress and go full time but no surgeries...

I think most of us are/were awkward. I have been so all my life. I can fake being normal but there are always elements to me that sets me apart from others. If you look at many posts here you will see many describe themselves as alien like or monstrous. I always describe myself younger as feeling like my body was an oversized puppet that I had to try to control. Don't worry about awkwardness.

To go back to the theme you have mentioned. I so long to be the woman I was meant to be. I so wish I could have been a girl. I was cute when I was young and I think I would have been a pretty woman. I have to let that go. I have to move on and be happy that I have found what has been wrong with me all these years.

Oddly as someone so far into this I have moved glacially slow. After 2 years on HRT I am only going full time this June. Each step has helped me become a better, more positive person. I am afraid. That has been true of every step along the way. I have accepted that I have to move forward or I will give in to the dark thoughts that will end my life early. I did not even realize I had gotten to that place till I was a year into therapy.

You sound frantic. I was too. There are things that help you move forward more quickly even at my age. Do get started at removing facial hair as quickly as you can(if you can). Experiment with dressing, styles and make up. Get used to it on your own. Find a good therapist, especially if you can find one who specializes in gender.

After having rambled for quite a bit, I can't tell you what to do. No one can. Ultimately, it us your decision and life. You may respect opinions but you don't have to follow them. These experiences I spoke of above are how I see it all from where I am right now in this place. Find where you are and where you want to go.

We are here to back you up. You can be a fantastic woman. Likewise, you could become non- binary with a leaning to femme. There is a lot to look at. Take your time and make the decision that are right for you. That may not be the same as what others feel is right for them or you.

Warmly,

Jacqui

If you can't afford gender therapy or HRT have you considered applying for Medicaid coverage?
Also, I think you keep going back to your earlier attempt at transition and have convinced yourself that if you do start HRT again you will just be going back and re-doing it.  This is a dangerous approach in my opinion and reminds me of the saying by Einstein that "If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, the same way and expecting different results, then you will be disappointed" or something like that.  Think of this as a completely new transition. That you are in fact starting over from step one.  With a beginners mind.  With a fresh slate. You are going back to the drawing board, in other words and drawing your future life in a completely different way.  This is why a gender therapist is invaluable because they can help you avoid the pitfalls that led to the ultimate results of your last transition.  i.e. detransition.
Also, if I were you I would spend my money on finasteride instead of the Pro-Gest Cream stuff from Amazon.  It suppresses DHT, a form of testosterone, promotes scalp hair growth, and prevents male pattern baldness.  I assume when you do transition, that having hair on your scalp is an important female secondary sex characteristic for you and this should help preserve your hair until that time.  It's also dirt cheap with a prescription.

Quote from: krobinson103 on February 01, 2018, 07:25:43 PM
I've read some stories when it comes down to keeping it in the closet getting married and then later on the gate flooding open

That's me, it doesn't work. Being married and having kids doesn't take away the issue, just adds layers of complexity.

I can second this. Its true. Getting married won't fix you. As you aren't broken. It's okay to be Trans!

@ Asakawa:   Regarding the subject line of your original post.... 
...  here is something I heard years ago...

""If LIFE doesn't deal you enough problems you can always count on your FAMILY""

It has been my experience that those who know us best can hurt us the most.

By the way, looking at your pictures, you look great, you don't look old and stop saying you are ugly, in fact you appear quite passable and nice looking in all of your pics.

Regarding strength, I have been struggling with reduced stamina and I have difficulty doing the longer and more strenuous workout regimes that I once did.  I still stay quite active and go to the gym regularly and I still do regular marathon (now usually half-marathon) and charity runs although at a slower pace with more breaks.  My doctor has told me that this is one of the side-effects of muscle loss and the androgen (T) blocking properties of Spironolactone in the dosages I am taking along with HRT..

@ Deborah: As you know we have exchanged a couple posts regarding strength loss and and T blocking and I agree with you about how very important it is to keep up with the exercise routines that we have both discussed but for me it is my somewhat less endurance and stamina that keep me from being ripped or at least feeling stronger.  I applaud you for your fitness routines and your fitness level, I only hope that I can achieve that some day soon.
****I hope to get back in the groove in the near future and get somewhat near the shape you are in.