"It's always darkest before dawn."

I have these little sayings in my brain that have been with me through the years. I keep repeating them to myself when thoughts of stress try to creep into my daily life. It also helps to keep my blood pressure Down.

It's been a long night. Thirty some years, and the push has become more insistent as my goals reach closer. Even as close as my main goal is now, to begin gender affirming hormone therapy, just a matter of weeks -somehow it feels so far away.

I know it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me. But there are real concerns I'm dealing with. I'm dealing with gatekeeping at the only Informed consent clinic available to me. Informed Consent is my only option, and I feel it is a good one. I should have had my lab work done by now, but an inexperienced, and less than professional provider has my goal put on hold.

I'm hoping that the only other provider available will be competent.

I've heard stories of people who are struggling hard. Many who endure the worst of humanity. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I have to step aside and truly see my place in the world. That perspective puts me back in the place of mind where I ought to be. Remembering when things get hard, to never give up because those who are fighting a harder battle do so because it is from their need to better themselves.

Then I remember how that is the whole point of life really in a way. I'm stubborn, I'm not entitled. I need to work for it, harder and harder. That's just the way it is, on my path -and just like many many others out there.

Support is my light before the dawn.

I don't get much online time to interact, but just being able to share here is my home, with all of you my family. Sorry for the sentimental tones, but I mean it from my heart.

Dear Dana,
Tonight as most nights i fight my demons alone. They stand at the corners of my room waiting for my guard to come down. I won't fail tonight and neither will you give up hope.

It was just about 12 months ago and I walked into a hospital alone and 30 minutes I was unclothed and covered in a gown and being wheeled into an operating room where my throat would be removed. My world was in my handbag under my bed. Some how it seemed so dear to me.

I had to trust those gatekeepers, those ... I had to trust.

I too fell back onto my family here for support. You did not let me down.

So tonight while you are feeling a bit down lets give each other a hug and a smile and fight like the wonders that we are.

     Dana thank you for posting this I am waiting to return to my hormone therapy I was taken off due to health reasons and my restart date has been pushed back another 30 days sometimes I feel like I am the only one facing such problems please know you are not alone as you post has reminded me
     Cindy you have faced such adversity with so much grace and courage you are truly an inspiration to us all thank you for sharing your stories

     bobbisue