What do you do in your life when your constantly think that it's not worth it fighting so much everyday anymore? I look good, I think I'm pretty enough, I have a nice body...but there's one thing that I've never been successful in my life and it just doesn't feel like this is about to change: sex life. It's been bad my whole life and...still bad, distressful and depressive, not any of the things that sex and love are supposed to be. You know, little by little my failure to have a sexual life is making me think that this life just isn't worth it. <expletive deleted> this stupid world.

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Dany,
    I of course can't know what you are feeling, but I know I have had some down hopeless days/weeks/months before.  I have adopted the motto "keep on keepin' on".  It has always gotten better.  Sometimes (as I am doing now) it has been up to me to make my own destiny.  Wallowing in my own pity just made me more and more miserable.  While there have been times when I have pondered if death is an acceptable option, I have always come to the conclusion that it is not.  If I made that choice, it is game over...no chance for anything to get better, no seeing what's next.  I used to be an avid competitive computer gamer.  The games that were the most rewarding were the games where you start to lose and then despite all odds you claw back to a victory...those were always the best when the other team just *knew* they had you and then they didn't and you won. 
    It's never too late to win, unless you quit.

        PM me if you need someone to talk to.


               Lots of love!!!!!! 

                                   Julie

Quote from: Dany on February 23, 2018, 09:58:28 AM
What do you do in your life when your constantly think that it's not worth it fighting so much everyday anymore? I look good, I think I'm pretty enough, I have a nice body...but there's one thing that I've never been successful in my life and it just doesn't feel like this is about to change: sex life. It's been bad my whole life and...still bad, distressful and depressive, not any of the things that sex and love are supposed to be. You know, little by little my failure to have a sexual life is making me think that this life just isn't worth it. <not allowed> this stupid world.

Hi, Dany.  I am sorry that you are feeling down.

Who is doing the supposing here?  There is no test for how well your sex life meets a standard, no requirement to get a passing grade.

I understand what it is like, because I felt the same way about my sex life for years.  I was what you'd call a "late bloomer".  I didn't even discover masturbation until many years after puberty, and I didn't get laid until I was 30.  In my entire life (I'm 63 now), I have only had two sex partners, and one of them is my current wife.  Who hit menopause years ago and her libido just switched right off.  Not counting DIY efforts, I can count the number of years I have had an active sex life on my fingers with some left over.

And yes, it used to bother me a lot.  It was part of the bigger picture of how I "didn't fit in".  I was sure that people were judging me on it, and that I was failing.  And in my younger days, especially as a jet pilot in the air force, they probably were judging me.  But mostly, I was my own worst critic.  I was the one setting the impossible standard for me to live up to.

And once I understood that, I could let go of that standard.  There is no standard.  There is no final exam.  Everyone gets a 'pass' in this course.

A big part of that new understanding was discovering that I was trans.  Now it all makes sense.  With a female brain, I lacked the instinctive male programming that people with male brains have.  No wonder I had trouble asking a girl out.  I was waiting for someone to ask me out. 

But on the other hand, with a body designated as "male", no one was going to teach me what I needed to know to behave as a woman.  So I didn't have a chance.  It was not my fault.  Not anyone else's fault, either.  It was just the way it worked out.

With the understanding came acceptance.  I am asexual.  I never even realized that that was a thing until recently.  Asexual with lesbian leanings.

I tell you my story because I see a lot of myself in what you wrote.  Relax and don't judge yourself harshly.  Sex is a wonderful thing with the right partner.  It is a terrible thing with the wrong partner.  Having an active sex life isn't a requirement for a satisfying and fulfilling life.

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 23, 2018, 11:49:19 AM
A big part of that new understanding was discovering that I was trans.  Now it all makes sense.  With a female brain, I lacked the instinctive male programming that people with male brains have.  No wonder I had trouble asking a girl out.  I was waiting for someone to ask me out. 

Wow, this makes total sense in my own experience as well.  Thank you so much Kathy for teaching me a little bit more about myself!
 
           Julie

Quote from: Dany on February 23, 2018, 09:58:28 AM
... not any of the things that sex and love are supposed to be. ...
You know, little by little my failure to have a sexual life is making me think that this life just isn't worth it.

Oh hon, it's easy to let ourselves be seduced by the projections that sex is everywhere, all the time, and that love blossoms at the merest touch. It's just as easy to confuse the two as well, as sexual intimacy is portrayed as the ultimate in loving intimacy - the reality is that sex and love are two completely different aspects of ourselves, just like our sense of gender and the sex we were assigned at birth.

I know that some platitudes may help in that we are seen to understand, but the very real experiences that you are getting, show we do understand, we can relate.

My story in few words are such that I lived in the friend zone. Up until, I met my current partner at 21. Still sex was a way off at that point and has fallen back in terms of priority to a point off the radar.
It was one of the clues that I am trans. Whilst I had a (meagre) sex drive, it wasn't happening, quite simply because I can't man. I was not programmed genetically, or otherwise, to be able to find a suitable mate. Since my discovery of myself, I have also discovered in reality that I am somewhere on the asexual scale.

The problems arise that we are culturally pumped full of the message that sex is the ultimate destination, the final place of utmost intimacy, the primary expression of love - it doesn't take much thinking to realise that this simply doesn't add up.

Now, this is a little controversial, but I would be prepared to call this dysphoria, because it's made so many of us absolutely miserable. In part antidepressants can help use stop feeling so bad, supporting therapy helps more - so go and see your doctor, and have a chat, and keep on talking here... we do know how you're feeling.

(Hugs)


Rowan

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 23, 2018, 11:49:19 AM

A big part of that new understanding was discovering that I was trans.  Now it all makes sense.  With a female brain, I lacked the instinctive male programming that people with male brains have.  No wonder I had trouble asking a girl out.  I was waiting for someone to ask me out. 

But on the other hand, with a body designated as "male", no one was going to teach me what I needed to know to behave as a woman.  So I didn't have a chance.  It was not my fault.  Not anyone else's fault, either.  It was just the way it worked out.

With the understanding came acceptance.  I am asexual.  I never even realized that that was a thing until recently.  Asexual with lesbian leanings.

Kathy

I have to second Julie's comment. These 3 paragraphs above describe me perfectly.

Quote from: Sno on February 23, 2018, 02:18:29 PM

My story in few words are such that I lived in the friend zone. Up until, I met my current partner at 21. Still sex was a way off at that point and has fallen back in terms of priority to a point off the radar.
It was one of the clues that I am trans. Whilst I had a (meagre) sex drive, it wasn't happening, quite simply because I can't man. I was not programmed genetically, or otherwise, to be able to find a suitable mate. Since my discovery of myself, I have also discovered in reality that I am somewhere on the asexual scale.

Sno

Again you chime with me here so well!

No offence intended to the many who think otherwise, but love if you are fortunate enough to find it is much much more valuable and rewarding than sex.

Pamela

Quote from: pamelatransuk on February 24, 2018, 07:42:33 AM

Sno

Again you chime with me here so well!

No offence intended to the many who think otherwise, but love if you are fortunate enough to find it is much much more valuable and rewarding than sex.

Pamela

Yes! It's like me and my best friend...she's bisexual and all, I am open to experiences but wouldn't consider myself bi. We're more than friends because we're just so intimate, we sleep together, I've seen'er shower, seen'er pussy in clear detail, we kiss and so on and so on. So, we absolutely love each other so much but don't have sex! So there you go, just because you're intimate with someone doesn't mean you have to have sex. On the other hand, I think sex is a very important part of life.