Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 24, 2018, 07:51:59 PM
I'm out to dinner with Sue and Cassie, and they're telling me I should just ignore that, but I simply cannot let it go. I know nothing of that book, so I shall have my hero, Champion the Comedy Dog, poop on it.

Stephanie

Well, you know what they say on Star Trek, "Make it so, number 2."

Jessica, welcome, with your flair for anecdotes, you fit right in here. Or is it allegory? Any English majors around? What do you see as the new road?

Kathy you know you are level headed, right?

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 24, 2018, 02:20:37 PM
Yes, as one of those "mature" ladies, I do tend to think of myself in binary terms.  Attempting to think of it objectively, I know that I can never be fully binary, i.e. 100% female.  There is that little matter of 60 years of male habits.  I can reduce them, but they'll never be entirely gone.  On a sliding scale, probably 90% female and 10% male is about as close as I can actually aspire to being binary.

I don't think age has to have anything to do with the concept of being binary vs somewhere in the gender fluid spectrum. I certainly feel 99% female and there's very little I miss about being identified as male or continuing to pretend to be that.

I don't feel the "male" habits stick for me, having been letting go of those for 20 years now, a lot of my dysphoria and most of my stress and depression revolved around feeling trapped in situations where people expected me to for instance display aggressive response and would treat me like sh*t when I didn't follow the script. Ugh, I so don't miss those days.

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 24, 2018, 08:23:14 PM
Kathy you know you are level headed, right?

Can I forward that to my wife?  She'll have a good laugh! 

Quote from: SadieBlake on February 24, 2018, 09:02:24 PM

I don't feel the "male" habits stick for me, having been letting go of those for 20 years now, a lot of my dysphoria and most of my stress and depression revolved around feeling trapped in situations where people expected me to for instance display aggressive response and would treat me like sh*t when I didn't follow the script. Ugh, I so don't miss those days.

They expected an aggressive response or a masculine response, Sadie?

I think if I asked my kids if they miss my old male habits, I think they would tell you they are very happy not to have to deal with that angry person. A few weeks ago, my partner and I were having our own separate stresses. She woke me up in the middle of the night crying, very upset. One of things she said was, "It was so hard to get Moni here, and I fear that she will go away." I think she holds it in til she is ready to burst sometimes, so I did not realize she felt this way. I reassured her that there was zero percent chance this would happen.

I agree that non binary people can be of any age. The thing is, when I grew up, there were three role models, female, male, or the persons at school who were totally harassed and disrespected because they showed a hint of being different. I chose to look male at all costs, dream of being female, and feel horrible for anyone who dared to stand out. Thankfully, today, that is sometimes loosening up.

Now if you excuse me, I have to go open a package from Florida from someone named 'Champion.' Wonder what it could be!

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 25, 2018, 09:43:16 AM
They expected an aggressive response or a masculine response, Sadie?

I think if I asked my kids if they miss my old male habits, I think they would tell you they are very happy not to have to deal with that angry person. A few weeks ago, my partner and I were having our own separate stresses. She woke me up in the middle of the night crying, very upset. One of things she said was, "It was so hard to get Moni here, and I fear that she will go away." I think she holds it in til she is ready to burst sometimes, so I did not realize she felt this way. I reassured her that there was zero percent chance this would happen.

I agree that non binary people can be of any age. The thing is, when I grew up, there were three role models, female, male, or the persons at school who were totally harassed and disrespected because they showed a hint of being different. I chose to look male at all costs, dream of being female, and feel horrible for anyone who dared to stand out. Thankfully, today, that is sometimes loosening up.

Now if you excuse me, I have to go open a package from Florida from someone named 'Champion.' Wonder what it could be!

Well this is embarrassing. Turns out his name is "Triumph." I blame Cassie.



Whoever "Champion" is, I think he's gonna get pooped on.

Kathy, don't let me down now. You deserve a better worse reputation than Moni is trying to give you.


- Stephanie

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 25, 2018, 09:43:16 AM
They expected an aggressive response or a masculine response, Sadie?

I think if I asked my kids if they miss my old male habits, I think they would tell you they are very happy not to have to deal with that angry person. A few weeks ago, my partner and I were having our own separate stresses. She woke me up in the middle of the night crying, very upset. One of things she said was, "It was so hard to get Moni here, and I fear that she will go away." I think she holds it in til she is ready to burst sometimes, so I did not realize she felt this way. I reassured her that there was zero percent chance this would happen.

I agree that non binary people can be of any age. The thing is, when I grew up, there were three role models, female, male, or the persons at school who were totally harassed and disrespected because they showed a hint of being different. I chose to look male at all costs, dream of being female, and feel horrible for anyone who dared to stand out. Thankfully, today, that is sometimes loosening up.

Now if you excuse me, I have to go open a package from Florida from someone named 'Champion.' Wonder what it could be!

Umm aggressive vs masculine there's a difference? ... j/k ;-) I know there are well adjusted men out there just as there are women who engage in aggressive or passive aggressive behavior. On the other hand, those men imx are pretty few / far between.

And yes my kids would tell the same tale. I was able to mostly leave that behind  in the context of them and my well chosen circle of friends even with testosterone still egging it along. Work and other stressful situations were worse and I always tended to drive my anger inward where of course it becomes depression. However when it found expression, yes my anger was searing, even as I could hold aggressive response at bay, and when I was hit with enough aggression my responses returned it in full measure. It certainly affected me and damaged my relationships.

I'm sure you had the similar experience of estrogen changing the nature of anger. I still experience it but now it's just not likely to be channeled into aggression.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 25, 2018, 10:40:14 AM
Kathy, don't let me down now. You deserve a better worse reputation than Moni is trying to give you.

OK, I'm lost. 

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 25, 2018, 03:39:28 PM
OK, I'm lost. 

Sorry. Sometimes I speak in tongues. Moni says you're level-headed. We know you can be as silly as the rest of us!

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 25, 2018, 04:09:53 PM
Sorry. Sometimes I speak in tongues. Moni says you're level-headed. We know you can be as silly as the rest of us!

Stephanie

Thanks!  I was just being silly. 

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 25, 2018, 07:11:36 PM
Thanks!  I was just being silly. 

You, madam, are diabolical!


- Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on February 25, 2018, 07:47:29 PM
You, madam, are diabolical!


- Stephanie

Bwah-ha-ha!   

So there are a lot of things I have normalized for my new life. I want to talk about an aspect that makes me scratch my head sometimes. As a guy, I didn't give much thought to how I looked most of the time. I guess I looked down on the vanity of women then. Now, I not only want to look nice when I go out, but it seems important to me to look good at home. To be perfectly honest, I enjoy looking cute in my clothes. I still feel a little guilty for feeling this way, like I am so superficial. Now my style isn't real 'girly girl' with me spending tons of time on hair, makeup, and fancy dresses. I am more 'girl next door.' I don't look for a lot of attention from others. It is more like trying to look like the image I have in my head of what I should look like. I guess a self validation rather than an external validation. I still feel uncomfortable with this new level of vanity. If I am in the ladies room, I feel weird if I take more than a quick glance in the mirror. Some things are so ingrained. Lol, I'm okay with loving myself, I just don't want to be 'in love' with myself. I don't know me that well.

Quote from: HappyMoni on March 03, 2018, 04:44:56 PMTo be perfectly honest, I enjoy looking cute in my clothes. I still feel a little guilty for feeling this way, like I am so superficial.

I understand the thought, but I don't share it.

When I was trying to be a guy, I wanted to look good, but what was the point when all the clothes were drab and you weren't allowed to wear anything colourful?  Now that the chains are off, and I no longer have to worry that people will assume I'm gay, I can dress as nicely as I want.  I don't feel in the least bit guilty.  Maybe it is significant that I didn't look down on the vanity of women.

My style is probably similar to yours: I don't aim to be over-the-top femme.  I just want to look like a little bit nicer than average, but still appropriate for a woman of "a certain age".  I have learned to check my hair any time I pass a mirror.    Mostly because it is expected behaviour, but also because I don't like it to look messy.

At home, I am more of a slob.  I wear a plain skirt and a T-shirt, no bra, no wig.

Kathy, I don't know if it was that I looked  down on women, but it was  something that I steered away from any thought of for fear someone might know my secret. It is one of the scars I continue to carry from my upbringing. Heck I still feel weird hearing the sound of a drink pouring into a glass. That's from the days when I feared my father finding me getting something to drink. He was rather unpredictable so to speak.  Point is, some of the things we learn when younger are hard to overcome. I aspire to for your state of no guilt about my looks. Yeah, I try to be age appropriate without  being into that rocking chair look that one day awaits me.
Moni
I hope  to 'rock' the rocking chair look by the way.

I accepted I was vain when I decided against transition around 2001. I felt if I could not be pretty, I didn't want to be openly female, risk upsetting my life.

That was then, now I'm amazed to have a lover tell me she finds me cute and in finally feeling good about my bits I'm amazed that in accepting my appearance as well as finding my attraction to other women is no longer limited to my 2-3 favorite body types. To be sure, what find most beautiful remains the same, it's just I now find curvy women beautiful also.

And yes, I pay attention to my appearance. Not a ton, but I do some basic things with hair and attire every day.

Sadie, I think I still have so much pent up feelings of, "That is out of bounds for you." rolling around in my head. I have 50 something years of that feeling of looking at femininity from the other side of the fence. Me wanting to look good is part of reveling in my new found freedom. Bringing in the element of having a new partner certainly makes one want to look good. I tease my partner quite a bit that she is now the man in the family. We'll get ready to go somewhere and she'll be dressed in 'I been female all my life, take it for granted clothes' and then me trying to look stylish. We just laugh.

I have done that also, before transition when we would go to kink events I'd dress up fancy and spend quite a long time on makeup. I would do some of that again now except I'm budget-limited.

p.s. so now my wardrobe consists of a couple of black skirts, usually I wear t shirts and I have 2 nice tops, both unfortunately snug in the arms :-(

If you had asked in 2015, here's what I thought my tipping points would be in order of importance:
A. Breast Augmentation
B. FFS
C. Hairline
D. Body contouring, liposuction.
E. GCS if I ever went to that planet. 

Here's my actual tipping points so far, in order of importance:
1. HRT
2. Coming out to my parents.
3. Day trip to Las Vegas as Kendra, not Ken.
4. Waking up from sleep and realizing I had been dreaming as a female.
5. Lack of facial stubble woke me up from a deep sleep.

Good thing I'm not a weather forecaster. 

A couple things immediately pop out if you look at this list.  BA humor aside, my previous viewpoint was all about physical appearance assisted by surgery.  Breasts are more visible than GCS.  Some might call me shallow but I am honestly answering the question.

And then I started seriously looking into transition - actually did that after quite a bit of electrolysis, as my initial decision was I'd be happier without facial hair regardless of transition.  I looked at Susan's a few times and then joined.  I started reading detailed posts, interacting with people here and was blown away by the depth, determination and sincerity of others on this journey. 

The thread that caused me to realize what is possible was from Rachel - dozens of pages, required two evenings to read and after completing I started over and read it all again.  Not just being able to see Rachel's progress chipping away and conquering, but the responses and insight from others helping her future.  And posts from many others including people on this thread. 

Each of our stories is unique but I began to realize:
- The mind is the foundation of transition.
- Details matter but are not always the only solution.
- Make the best possible long term decisions. 
If in doubt, think: five years from now, what decision will I wish I made today? 

1. HRT was literally a mind bending experience.  This isn't normal but within 48 hours I knew - to such a degree I still tear up thinking about that morning, seeing and suddenly understanding the sights of the city and lake and mountains - things visible from my living room I had barely noticed in previous years.  Four decades of tunnel vision suddenly lifted, confirmed with constant reminders when I wasn't thinking about HRT.  I was suddenly experiencing the joy of seeing, smelling, hearing the world exactly the way I remembered until the mid 1970s when testosterone picked a fight with my brain.  But my decision to start HRT wasn't automatic - I had delayed that, not wanting to compromise some things with my body - not wanting to let go just in case.  During my HRT consultation the endo asked if I was planning GCS, I answered I wasn't sure and would decide after starting HRT.  Good answer, because my point of view did indeed change after experiencing so much positive I didn't even imagine was possible.  I wrote an HRT haiku.

2. Coming out at my age doesn't usually involve parents, or isn't as critical - but in my case it was a wall that had delayed my transition.  I didn't have concerns losing a partner as many of us have, and can only imagine how challenging that conversation is - but my fear was based on harming people I care deeply about.  Over time I gained self-confidence and decided the reactions of others shouldn't determine my future, with the exception of my parents.  And then I realized the same applies to them if I was to pursue the best life possible.  When I finally had that difficult conversation (and it turned out very positive) I had already made up my mind I was moving forward regardless - and that's the key to the decision. 

3. First time flying somewhere as my true self, solo.  No gender-backup clothes - this was a day trip in the summer, I packed just makeup and ID that didn't match my gender presentation.  I knew some incredibly understanding people were on the other side (Beth & Saha - this was for Beth's family reunion) but I also knew the potential for odd moments as they would be introducing me as their girlfriend and I hadn't started HRT.  The trip was positive without exception - I was never misgendered from start to finish and had an awesome time.  TSA and airline staff looked at my ID and were consistently polite and professional.  On the flight back I realized... hey, I can actually do this.  Tipping point. 

4. The right dream.  Something I hadn't obsessed about but was on the back of my mind was: what gender am I when I dream?  In the majority of dreams, no gender - but when I could recall being aware it was as a male.  And then it finally happened: I woke up from a dream where I was naturally female.  This occurred less than a month after GCS... probably not a coincidence.  In my GCS thread I mentioned after that particular surgery "I have never felt more free" and I meant it.  But what I find interesting is cause and effect.  GCS was very important to me but the tipping points were in my mind, not body.

5. My face woke me up.  I was sound asleep and didn't realize I had this odd habit of scratching my upper chest with my chin as I slept.  I had been dealing with electrolysis, finally getting head of the curve (or stubble).  And then one night I suddenly woke up, startled - I freaked out and thought someone unfamiliar was in my bed.  Whoa.  Some woman's face was up against my neck and upper chest, and... when my mind cleared I realized it was me.  My face didn't feel like the face I had known for several decades.  And then the emotions hit, realizing - yes, this is what goals are all about. 

Kendra

Quote from: Kendra on March 04, 2018, 11:16:02 PM
If you had asked in 2015, here's what I thought my tipping points would be in order of importance:
A. Breast Augmentation
B. FFS
C. Hairline
D. Body contouring, liposuction.
E. GCS if I ever went to that planet. 

Here's my actual tipping points so far, in order of importance:
1. HRT
2. Coming out to my parents.
3. Day trip to Las Vegas as Kendra, not Ken.
4. Waking up from sleep and realizing I had been dreaming as a female.
5. Lack of facial stubble woke me up from a deep sleep.

Good thing I'm not a weather forecaster. 

A couple things immediately pop out if you look at this list.  BA humor aside, my previous viewpoint was all about physical appearance assisted by surgery.  Breasts are more visible than GCS.  Some might call me shallow but I am honestly answering the question.

And then I started seriously looking into transition - actually did that after quite a bit of electrolysis, as my initial decision was I'd be happier without facial hair regardless of transition.  I looked at Susan's a few times and then joined.  I started reading detailed posts, interacting with people here and was blown away by the depth, determination and sincerity of others on this journey. 

The thread that caused me to realize what is possible was from Rachel - dozens of pages, required two evenings to read and after completing I started over and read it all again.  Not just being able to see Rachel's progress chipping away and conquering, but the responses and insight from others helping her future.  And posts from many others including people on this thread. 

Each of our stories is unique but I began to realize:
- The mind is the foundation of transition.
- Details matter but are not always the only solution.
- Make the best possible long term decisions. 
If in doubt, think: five years from now, what decision will I wish I made today? 

1. HRT was literally a mind bending experience.  This isn't normal but within 48 hours I knew - to such a degree I still tear up thinking about that morning, seeing and suddenly understanding the sights of the city and lake and mountains - things visible from my living room I had barely noticed in previous years.  Four decades of tunnel vision suddenly lifted, confirmed with constant reminders when I wasn't thinking about HRT.  I was suddenly experiencing the joy of seeing, smelling, hearing the world exactly the way I remembered until the mid 1970s when testosterone picked a fight with my brain.  But my decision to start HRT wasn't automatic - I had delayed that, not wanting to compromise some things with my body - not wanting to let go just in case.  During my HRT consultation the endo asked if I was planning GCS, I answered I wasn't sure and would decide after starting HRT.  Good answer, because my point of view did indeed change after experiencing so much positive I didn't even imagine was possible.  I wrote an HRT haiku.

2. Coming out at my age doesn't usually involve parents, or isn't as critical - but in my case it was a wall that had delayed my transition.  I didn't have concerns losing a partner as many of us have, and can only imagine how challenging that conversation is - but my fear was based on harming people I care deeply about.  Over time I gained self-confidence and decided the reactions of others shouldn't determine my future, with the exception of my parents.  And then I realized the same applies to them if I was to pursue the best life possible.  When I finally had that difficult conversation (and it turned out very positive) I had already made up my mind I was moving forward regardless - and that's the key to the decision. 

3. First time flying somewhere as my true self, solo.  No gender-backup clothes - this was a day trip in the summer, I packed just makeup and ID that didn't match my gender presentation.  I knew some incredibly understanding people were on the other side (Beth & Saha - this was for Beth's family reunion) but I also knew the potential for odd moments as they would be introducing me as their girlfriend and I hadn't started HRT.  The trip was positive without exception - I was never misgendered from start to finish and had an awesome time.  TSA and airline staff looked at my ID and were consistently polite and professional.  On the flight back I realized... hey, I can actually do this.  Tipping point. 

4. The right dream.  Something I hadn't obsessed about but was on the back of my mind was: what gender am I when I dream?  In the majority of dreams, no gender - but when I could recall being aware it was as a male.  And then it finally happened: I woke up from a dream where I was naturally female.  This occurred less than a month after GCS... probably not a coincidence.  In my GCS thread I mentioned after that particular surgery "I have never felt more free" and I meant it.  But what I find interesting is cause and effect.  GCS was very important to me but the tipping points were in my mind, not body.

5. My face woke me up.  I was sound asleep and didn't realize I had this odd habit of scratching my upper chest with my chin as I slept.  I had been dealing with electrolysis, finally getting head of the curve (or stubble).  And then one night I suddenly woke up, startled - I freaked out and thought someone unfamiliar was in my bed.  Whoa.  Some woman's face was up against my neck and upper chest, and... when my mind cleared I realized it was me.  My face didn't feel like the face I had known for several decades.  And then the emotions hit, realizing - yes, this is what goals are all about. 

Kendra

The dreaming part still shocks me. I never saw myself in my dreams until 2 weeks ago. I still remember how it felt..even though I was dreaming

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Hi, I had several tipping points:

1) I had made coping mechanisms to deal with her. I was on my way from one lawyers office to another to give a deposition. I had not been sleeping well for months. The legal issues had been wearing on me. I remember walking off the curb to cross the street and promising I would live as Cynthia (my first chosen name). I was scared and the war inside was going to get worse, much worse.

2) My mother broke her tibia and fibula. Then had a heart attack in the hospital that went undiagnosed for 3 days. She was give a choice of hospice or going to Penn for open heart. She chose open heart. Three months later she died from septic shock. She was infected during the open heart operation. I visited her twice a day and took her death very badly. I settled the estate then hit a wall. I stopped sleeping but a few hours a night then no sleep for I thing 3 days. I cracked going to work one morning. The war inside me hit a peak. I needed help. I did not want to die.

3) I told my now ex-wife I am trans. We tried to work through it. We came to an agreement. I could express at group and home, have hair follicle replacements, trachea shave and an orchi and I could tell my siblings. My ex took all that back and said if I did anything she would divorce me. This through me into another spin of no sleep and a war inside me. Instead of the female in me wanting to get out now I had to save her from being hidden. Hiding was killing me. I chose to come out and express. My wife got a lawyer. I schedule GCS, then BA then FFS the hair follicle transplants. later I scheduled VFS ( I will do another round of that). I did a hair follicle transplant round 2 and next a round 3. I have GCS round 2 in April.

Somewhere along the way I really accept myself and love my new life. I love being me and can not believe I get to live my dream.

What was the tipping point, there were several. For me they were more like steps and not one point. If anything when the cloths arrived at my house and my wife called me at the gym. She asked if I was coming out at work. All the clothes were work cloths. I said yes. She said she would call a lawyer the next day and divorce me. I said I would leave the gym and come home. I said to her when I get there I would kill myself with a shotgun in the back yard and for her to leave the house with our daughter. She said good, kill yourself. At that exact moment I thought, I do not want to die, I want to be myself. When I got home she was still there and she said to go ahead an kill myself. I could not believe she would say that to me.

I realized all the times I tried to kill myself on I95 and I76 I really did not want to die. I was not going to kill myself with a gun. I just wanted to be me. It was tough coming out and expressing at work, that is way in the past. Funny thing today. I came into work with my hair colored and trimmed a little. I was so happy to show off my hair. I love it. I had no apprehension, just happiness. In the bathroom at work I looked in the mirror and I was smiling, happy and feeling good about myself. I guess that was a tipping point too.