I wake up this morning and I don't feel female at all. So I start to doubt yet again if I am a girl really and then I get up put my knickers on, have a mini panic as I can't find my razor to get rid of face stubble.
I comb my hair and realise only afterwards I have done it in a more feminine style and apply a little mascara and concealer as always and then stick on some lipstick forgetting I have to go to the shop looking like a man. So the lipstick comes off.

I sit down to type this and find my legs just go to the female sitting pose.
I actually sort my washing into colours darks and whites so as to not ruin any of my pretty dresses. (Never ever did that before)

I know this is learned behaviour but it is something I am just doing not thinking about doing and then doing.

So then I think to myself "Katie, you must be a girl, you did all that like it was just another morning routine you are conforming to female mannerisms and habits"

But there's still something that feels in my chest area...tight?
It's the feeling of doubt.
Why don't I ALWAYS feel like a girl when I am one? I never feel like a guy at all so why don't I feel like a girl all the time?

I wonder if my brain is simply starting to accept that I am female and as a result lessening the dysphoria as I have been able to live as a woman for the last few days and dysphoria is very low.

As I share hotel rooms with other men,  I now wear female jeans and a neutral top.
I sleep in my knickers with a carefully worn mens underwear over the top.

So I am starting to doubt any doubts.  My brain is finally starting to accept I am Katie not Paul.
Paul is just the bodily shell I am wearing. 

Okay time to go to the shop, better stick on a coat as it's cold...oh yeah I only have female coats

I don't ever present female at current, but I know my brain is rewiring... Every once in a while I'll find myself doing something in a particularly feminine style, if I'm alone I just pause a second (holding my pose) to appreciate it and move on if I'm not alone... I don't do that pause thing to avoid drawing unnecessary attention, but I don't "correct" it as I would have pre-everything either.

Quote from: CallMeKatie on February 26, 2018, 03:43:20 AM
Why don't I ALWAYS feel like a girl when I am one?

Cis people almost never think about their gender.  You feel like a girl sometimes; you don't feel like a boy ever.  The rest of the time you aren't thinking about it.  That's normal!

Normalization is both one of the easiest and one of the hardest parts of transitioning.  It's easy because it just happens.  After the excitement and busy-ness of coming out and starting therapy, HRT, etc., all of a sudden there's nothing going on.  You get up, you put on your makeup, you take your meds, it's just normal life and it happens without trying.

Normalization is hard because the doubt monster is still alive.  Murphy's Law freaks us out: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.  Or put another way, If everything appears to be going smoothly, you have overlooked something.  So what am I overlooking?  Even if there is nothing wrong, we go looking for trouble.  That's the doubt monster.

I am glad you are starting to doubt the doubts.  It sounds like you have the doubt monster well under control.

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 26, 2018, 07:09:19 AM
Cis people almost never think about their gender.  You feel like a girl sometimes; you don't feel like a boy ever.  The rest of the time you aren't thinking about it.  That's normal!

Normalization is both one of the easiest and one of the hardest parts of transitioning.  It's easy because it just happens.  After the excitement and busy-ness of coming out and starting therapy, HRT, etc., all of a sudden there's nothing going on.  You get up, you put on your makeup, you take your meds, it's just normal life and it happens without trying.

Normalization is hard because the doubt monster is still alive.  Murphy's Law freaks us out: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.  Or put another way, If everything appears to be going smoothly, you have overlooked something.  So what am I overlooking?  Even if there is nothing wrong, we go looking for trouble.  That's the doubt monster.

I am glad you are starting to doubt the doubts.  It sounds like you have the doubt monster well under control.

Wouldn't say it's under control by any means but waking up doubting then puttight your knickers on anyway...
Haha I hope that's out a dent in my doubts

I'm blessed by a couple of things.

First, I can  just tell myself I feel like a woman because I am a woman like there couldn't be any other way for me to feel.  Having said that, most often I feel like a really ugly ignorant woman but I try to do things that make me feel like I'm beautiful and bold and skillful.

Secondly, the spiritual traditions I practice and am formed by don't place emphasis on feeling.  They put emphasis on doing and being and acting, and if anything, are rather suspicious of emotion.  It can sound very austere and unfulfilling to say that love is not a feeling but an act of will in the western catholic tradition, but it can be very motivating at the same time.

Likewise with Zen.  There's the famous quote about if you meet the Buddha on the road, kill the Buddha.  But if you were in a Zen monastery and told your Zen Master that your practice wasn't making you feel enlightened, they would just hit you on the head with their stick thingie and tell you to return to the breath.

Quote from: CallMeKatie on February 26, 2018, 03:43:20 AM
Why don't I ALWAYS feel like a girl when I am one? I never feel like a guy at all so why don't I feel like a girl all the time?

Because sometimes we just feel like people. I think this is a big thing for a lot of folks, especially those just starting to figure out who they are and what they want for themselves. We're so used to looking inwardly to try and ascertain who we are that when moments appear where we're focused elsewhere, and not on our own identity, then panic sets in, followed by doubts.

"I don't feel like a woman so I must not be one!"

"Why don't I always feel this way? Am I just making it up? Is it all a giant lie?"

It's been my experience that there are many, many times in my life I don't feel "like a woman." Or "like a man". I just feel like me. Like a person. When I'm focused on something else and not on my own body, or how I feel about that. When I'm distracted by something, or dealing with someone else... it's like looking out of a window instead of at the room decorations of the room you're looking out from, you know?

It's okay to not feel like anything sometimes. To just be focused on other things, and not thinking about yourself. It doesn't mean you aren't whoever you are. If anything it's a good sign that you're getting capacity back to be able to do that. You don't have to acknowledge your state of being constantly for it to still be there, sweetie. Even though at the start it feels like you do. Part of the point of transition is precisely so you can stop thinking about it all the time and just focus on being.

It's okay to think about other things. *big hugs* Who you are isn't going to suddenly disappear if you do. It's just going to become more comfortable to you.

Quote from: Sephirah on February 26, 2018, 01:21:46 PMPart of the point of transition is precisely so you can stop thinking about it all the time and just focus on being.

This is very wise.  I wish I'd said that!

I worried in the beginning because I had no doubts. I would read things like this and wonder what was wrong with me.

It is normal to have doubts I think. Probably I didn't because I had been dealing with this for so long, every area of my life was effected by it. When I learned that transition was possible, on a biological level, nothing was going to keep me from it.

Breathe sweetie, it's okay. This is a long ride and you get to choose where you are going. Relax and be yourself.

I 100% get how you feel, and its awful, however I'm on the other end of the spectrum, as a trans guy.  These thoughts and behaviors,  I used to call "Cycling." I would revert back to being super feminine when something triggered me or happened and I'd be a tornado in my closet trying to make sense of my life and put what I "knew" to be life-- back together, in shambles.  I feel for you, going through this...dysphoria is alive. And your feelings are soooo valid.

But hey, remember..you are here and being present in your most authentic self, saying aloud how you feel and doubting your original feelings.  Going back into the past can be because of comfort. Sometimes, comfort is not necessarily positive.

Do you feel like you aren't a girl when you are home? Or this thought comes into play once you leave the house and there are variables; other people, situations etc that might make you feel this way?

The mind is a powerful powerful thing and is often delayed in response to how we actually feel. It feeds the dysphoria within us or confusion without us realizing it.

Keep goin' girl, tell your self you are who you are and you love who you are. Keep seeking the support you need and know that..you're enough and your brain will stop telling itself otherwise.

In my experience..and its been 10 years in the making of doing this crazy crazy thing all centered around dysphoria..and reverting back to who I thought I was..because she was...comforting... I decided to make small moves and eventually it just all...stopped. Without me even realizing.

Before fully embracing myself as a trans guy I separated my closet of clothes. I put anything feminine away- but at arms reach so I knew I had it there at my disposal but it was MY decision not to go back to it. Maybe try that?

Felt compelled to respond because this resonates all too familiar with my experience and its  hard. really hard. But, its worth it. And the day you don't even contemplate revisiting the person who at heart, isn't you- again..is hands down, the best feeling ever.

Just keep doing you. Whichever way you turn.

-Sam

I've spent the last five days barring a quick shop or two dressed as a woman totally.
My dysphoria has basically vanished.

I'm sure it'll return once I am unable to live like this.

Yes I know it's a lot more than just the clothes maketh the woman as I am a woman.
It's just so nice to look in a mirror and see a woman and not a man. Look down and see no hair on my body...shame about the penis being there but meh.

Last night at 1am I went out fully dressed. Saw nobody and didn't expect to being 1 am on a Monday and snowing haha but I didn't feel a great thrill or anything.  It was just nice being able to get dressed and go out.

Incidently heeled boots makes such a huge clomp on concrete

Lately I've been questioning my authenticity as a mtf trans person and this thread really helped me just now.

Perhaps starting HRT gave my brain an excuse to finally relax a little and this decrease in a sense of urgency makes it feel like maybe I don't care anymore. Does that make sense?

The idea that after you come to accept that you're trans you might feel waves of dysphoria simply because you feel less dysphoria overall has eased my uncertainty.

Thanks guys.

Quote from: Sephirah on February 26, 2018, 01:21:46 PM

Part of the point of transition is precisely so you can stop thinking about it all the time and just focus on being.

It's okay to think about other things. *big hugs* Who you are isn't going to suddenly disappear if you do. It's just going to become more comfortable to you.

Great point.  The first time it happens though can be unsettling until you  recognize what it is.

For so long it was always there in my head, "why am I not a girl".  That got replaced by "I'm finally a girl" and all the transition thoughts and worries and excitement. When the routine started to set in and the worries and excitement waned,
I wasn't having a dysphoria wave or anything like that and I didn't have doubts about transitioning, but I did wonder why I wasn't as excited as I had been. 

Eventually I figured out that I was just feeling normal, I was just me. 

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Quote from: TonyaW on February 27, 2018, 07:14:18 AM

Great point.  The first time it happens though can be unsettling until you  recognize what it is.

For so long it was always there in my head, "why am I not a girl".  That got replaced by "I'm finally a girl" and all the transition thoughts and worries and excitement. When the routine started to set in and the worries and excitement waned,
I wasn't having a dysphoria wave or anything like that and I didn't have doubts about transitioning, but I did wonder why I wasn't as excited as I had been. 

Eventually I figured out that I was just feeling normal, I was just me. 

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Your not as excited hmmmmm.....

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Quote from: Mary1 on February 27, 2018, 03:46:05 PM
Your not as excited hmmmmm.....

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No, still as excited as ever.  Just doesn't occupy my thoughts close to 100% of the time now.   So used to having one or the other always in your head that it can seem like something is missing or wrong.

Since I started transitioning, I have never doubted that it's what I needed to do.

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I am still recently new to all this. I am not on hormones yet, but I understand the doubts.

I was never someone that people perceived as feminine at all so since coming out to close friends and family it's been a lot of "Oh really ?" and "You're joking ? Wait you're not..." from people I know.

I have yet to leave the house dressed in female clothes to go out in public (Only did it twice to visit my therapist).

I just feel like I lived so long as a "male" that I don't know how to be feminine, I get so self conscious and I get filled with doubts about what I'm taking on and thinking I can pass.

Doubts and my dysphoria seem to go hand in hand.

I imagine this will get better with time as my hair grows out and I get used to this new situation. Not being fully out and having to be "him" at work everyday makes it an unpleasant in-between situation.

Quote from: MelanieMyrtille on February 28, 2018, 01:23:22 AM
I am still recently new to all this. I am not on hormones yet, but I understand the doubts.

I was never someone that people perceived as feminine at all so since coming out to close friends and family it's been a lot of "Oh really ?" and "You're joking ? Wait you're not..." from people I know.

I imagine this will get better with time as my hair grows out and I get used to this new situation. Not being fully out and having to be "him" at work everyday makes it an unpleasant in-between situation.

I got "wow that's awesome from two of the people I have told, one doesn't seem to care and the other was horrible so I blocked her from contacting me at all.

Also get being a man at work. It's gross. I wear a uniform so with my long hair and mascara it's not too much of a guy

I think sometimes doubt is a manifestation of fear -- fear of the consequences of being trans. It's as if the mind looks for a defense against its fear of what might happen, and rushes to doubt in hopes it can convince itself that it isn't transgender -- because then, no consequences.

I've seen this in myself, and I think I've seen it in someone else's experience.

Yes AnnMarie, I couldn't describe it better myself. Fear uses doubt to prevent the possible unpleasant consequences eg loss of family members or friends or mocking or not passing etc.

OTOH as we all know the doubt is only temporary.

Quote from: pamelatransuk on February 28, 2018, 08:27:25 AM
Yes AnnMarie, I couldn't describe it better myself. Fear uses doubt to prevent the possible unpleasant consequences eg loss of family members or friends or mocking or not passing etc.

OTOH as we all know the doubt is only temporary.

Thank you, Pamela. Your comment meant a lot to me.

About two months after I realized I was trans, I spent two weeks in hell, doubting. I came to the end of myself, offering up my trans identity, potentially, if it wasn't real. I survived. I eventually realized, it was fear of what others would do, how they would treat me, that was the basis for my doubt. It is amazing how much power, and how insidious it is in using it, that fear has.