Explanations

kokasaki · March 03, 2018, 05:02:25 PM

Hello all,
I don't know how to explain to my parents that I call it my "deadname" because people who use it for me want me dead. My mother really doesn't like it but it's the only accurate way for me because even thinking that it was my "birthname" brings up lots of dysphoria and I hate calling it that.
Any advice would be welcome.
Thanks,
Dylan

Devlyn · March 03, 2018, 05:21:29 PM

Honestly, I think your interpretation is an overreach, and a bit off-putting. To me, deadname means the name is dead to me, not that people want me to die.

Tell her you don't use it anymore, then ignore anything that isn't addressed at you, using your new name. Assuming you've changed it, if not, all bets are off.

Hugs, Devlyn

HappyMoni · March 03, 2018, 05:28:37 PM

Yeah, I agree. If you want people to make the journey with you, you might want to temper how you approach things. If someone is saying it to you meanly, well, maybe start with the cold shoulder. People get the message. Just my thought.
Moni

kokasaki · March 03, 2018, 09:02:08 PM

People who were telling me to die were calling me that in the same sentence.
And I have changed it and she doesn't call me by it, she calls me by my new name, but when we're talking about the passed she always gets upset when I say deadname, and I get upset when she says birthname.

AnnMarie2017 · March 04, 2018, 09:08:17 AM

Quote from: kokasaki on March 03, 2018, 09:02:08 PM
... and I get upset when she says birthname.

Why? We have names AAB, just as we have genders AAB. I hated my birth name all my life; and, even though I've changed it and it is a dysphoria trigger, it is the name my parents gave me when I was born, so "birth name" fits. And when talking to civilians, "birth name" is something they can understand without it being explained, while "deadname" takes some explanation.

Devlyn · March 04, 2018, 09:15:45 AM

People telling you to die are just jerks, it has nothing to do with what name they're using.

This is difficult, I won't lie about that. A woman I work with refuses to call her own daughter by her new name. I told her that is just ignorant as hell, and if she tried it with me, there would be a big to-do. Parents think they are given lifelong control over you, but their power ends the day you reach the age of consent. Sometimes you need to be forceful to get people to consistently use your new name.

In the end, you really have no control over what someone calls you. You have total control over how you react, or not react, to what they call you.

Hugs, Devlyn

kokasaki · March 04, 2018, 08:12:46 PM

Thank you all for trying to help.

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