Quote from: Deborah on March 18, 2018, 04:45:34 PM
Hey, only Army Soldiers can say that![emoji12]


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I don't readily admit to this but with 12 in the Corps, I also had 1 in the CNG but got out because I couldn't get my brass together (no hole in the lapels).

Getting older and realizing the path I was on didn't make me happy. My career didn't make me happy, men didn't make me happy... You get where I'm going with this [emoji4]

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I was drowning in social anxiety, depression and a relentless sense of anger. My breakthrough moment came the night after my daughter's 8th birthday party, most of which I spent literally barricaded into our home office. A whole bunch of buried memories came flooding back and I realised I was physically abused (beaten / shamed) at a very early age by a carer, when I had been caught playing with her makeup. I had buried that memory for 40 years and piled a whole load of baggage on top of it, but once it came back and I'd finished crying it out, my femininity started to unfold. It's still unfolding and I'm just following my heart.

A small incident of many brought me to my current status.

Last year while still in Texas, my 38 year son was staying with me having recently gone thru a divorce.  He decides to move to Minnesota and I ask him what about the kids?  My grand kids are 7, 6, and 5. His response was they'll want their father to be happy. 

While I have no regret to the sacrifices I have made for my family and others in my life, I just couldn't deal with his thought process.

I had moved to Texas because of him and the kids and occasionally seeing them was really a bummer.  When he moved, it made it close to impossible to see the kids.  My daughter, who had moved to Vegas a year or so earlier kept wanting me to move to Vegas and I had held off for a while but finally came to the conclusion that I needed a different direction.  She's 23 today, BTW.

After 30 years of living a lie I woke up one day and knew I had to either stop living or transition. Being dead didn't sound like a good plan so transition it was.

As with so many of us, I always know I was Transgender but buried and suppressed it for decades. I was just content to bodyshave and crossdress regularly in private.

However the obstacles to proceeding were later removed one by one:

1. I researched and discovered so much about it, that so many others feel the same way. Mainly the internet.
2. The subject became gradually more discussed in general.
3. It became possible to go on hormones before public transition.
4. I retired
5. My mum passed away- bitterly sad at her passing but it later opened another door for me.
6. I was always to a certain degree depressed - existing rather than living.

So at age 61 the genie was let out the bottle never to return. I could not rebury and it became so prominent that I had no choice but to proceed. So at age 62 I sought therapy and then went on hormones.

I'm still motivated to proceed and to continue.

Pamela 

Quote from: pamelatransuk on March 19, 2018, 08:12:06 AM
As with so many of us, I always know I was Transgender but buried and suppressed it for decades. I was just content to bodyshave and crossdress regularly in private.

However the obstacles to proceeding were later removed one by one:

1. I researched and discovered so much about it, that so many others feel the same way. Mainly the internet.
2. The subject became gradually more discussed in general.
3. It became possible to go on hormones before public transition.
4. I retired
5. My mum passed away- bitterly sad at her passing but it later opened another door for me.
6. I was always to a certain degree depressed - existing rather than living.

So at age 61 the genie was let out the bottle never to return. I could not rebury and it became so prominent that I had no choice but to proceed. So at age 62 I sought therapy and then went on hormones.

I'm still motivated to proceed and to continue.

Pamela

Wow Pamela!

Your list fit me to a tee, though my mom passed away years ago and I'm 2 years older than you

My story is relatively simple. I tried hormones and transition at age 21 in 1986. After a year I realized I was too scared and ill equipped to make my way in the world as a trans woman (really just a child still.) I'd just been chased out of the U.S. Army the year before under threat of death after a psychiatrist outed me as gender dysphoric to my commander.

Eleven years later, in the summer of my 33rd year, I spent several hours one night with a bottle of 151 and a handgun trying desperately to put a bullet in my brain. Somehow I just couldn't muster the strength to pull that trigger.

I was out of options... except one last resort. Two weeks later I was back on hormones, a few months after that I transitioned.  Officially I transitioned on the job the Monday after Thanksgiving 1998. I have never since regretted or second guessed that action. And I have never since considered self harm under any circumstances. And I never will!

Love,
Miharu

Quote from: Miharu Barbie on March 19, 2018, 02:57:54 PM
My story is relatively simple. I tried hormones and transition at age 21 in 1986. After a year I realized I was too scared and ill equipped to make my way in the world as a trans woman (really just a child still.) I'd just been chased out of the U.S. Army the year before under threat of death after a psychiatrist outed me as gender dysphoric to my commander.

Eleven years later, in the summer of my 33rd year, I spent several hours one night with a bottle of 151 and a handgun trying desperately to put a bullet in my brain. Somehow I just couldn't muster the strength to pull that trigger.

I was out of options... except one last resort. Two weeks later I was back on hormones, a few months after that I transitioned.  Officially I transitioned on the job the Monday after Thanksgiving 1998. I have never since regretted or second guessed that action. And I have never since considered self harm under any circumstances. And I never will!

Love,
Miharu

First, do no harm - especially to one's self - glad you're still with us!

Quote from: Kylo on March 18, 2018, 02:02:10 PM
Avoid pain, pursue happiness

And curiosity.

All this.  Dysphoria, euphoria, and...

The mortal woman Psyche approaches the god Eros, asleep in their bed.  He is shrouded in darkness, as ever. She carries an oil lamp (lit and covered, but ready to unveil), for she has yet to see the face of her lover -- this god who saved her from the monster up on those harrowing cliffs, who whisked her away to Paradise, to have all she could ever want, everything except to see his face.  She'd felt his body, for many moons now, but was he beautiful or was he too a monster?  "There are rules," he'd said, and nothing more.  The oil lamp trembles in her hand.

She remembers the voices of her sisters, who came to visit.  Why does he never show his face?  Why give her all this -- a castle, luxury, servants -- if he didn't have something to hide?  How could she possibly trust this arrangement? The voices in her head, she cannot silence them.  Psyche unveils the lamp.  Behold, a vision of beauty, no monster in the bed.  So beautiful, she almost drops the lamp -- but this is enough to wake the god.  "All of this must end now," he says, "for there are rules. Why did you do this?"

"I had to know," she replies.

Darkness.  She wakes up.  Paradise is gone.  No castle, no luxuries, no servants.  She is alone, in the wilderness.

It had to be this way, or she would never have become a goddess in her own right.

Quote from: Kylo on March 18, 2018, 02:02:10 PM
Avoid pain, pursue happiness

And curiosity.

Indeed.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Confucius

It's simple, really: Every moment you have two options to decide on what to do, and you just pick the one that makes you feel better out of those two.

What keeps me going is constantly striving to make my life/situation/mental health better. One thing always leads to another. And another. Once you get the ball rolling.

Acknowledging that the time it took for me to get here wasn't time wasted by any means - it took so long as it did because of the circumstances and decisions I made based on that moment and the knowledge I had back then.

Thinking about every day (and every moment), 'how can I make my life a little easier/better?'

Because I WANT this for myself. Because I CAN do this.  When you want something enough, you'll find means to do it, even if it feels hard at times. Your inner gut is just telling you, 'I need to do this.' When you have decided on doing something, nothing can stop you. You know you WILL do it - no matter how long it takes or how hard it gets. You just need to do this for yourself.

If you get lost on track or lose motivation, remind yourself why you are doing it. What is it that you want to achieve? (Such as openly living & passing as a woman.)

My motivation was relatively simple. 

For 52 years I thought I was the only one that felt like they were born th  wrong gender.  Then, a couple years later, I found out I could actually DO something about it!

Since my kid was grown and off doing their own thing, I was disabled and no longer had to punch a time clock, I decided now was the best time to transition. 

Moving to an new state and in with the transman of my dreams only made the choice to transition easy.  He's been super-supportive through these last 15.5 months, and i  he wants to, one day he too will be able to make the choice to transition.  Whether or not he does actually transition means nothing to me.

Either way I look at it, my transitioning, while long overdue, was worth it!  I finally am able to act the way *I* am naturally, instead of the "fake for me" things Society tells me to do, like sitting with my legs together.  I naturally sit with my legs apart, amd now its expected!

Being able to act like myself, dress like myself and look closer to how I SHOULD look in the mirror is so freeing and satisfying for me!  I can no longer have it any other way. [emoji4]

I suppose we all have our paths to follow in order to become happy with the person we need to be, inside and out.  The important thing is to take that path, and be happy!

Ryuichi

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