Hi,
I'm new to the site (just joined today), and I'm not sure which term applies to me, "androgyne" or "bigender". It's a bit complicated, too
(though I can't imagine either androgyny or bigenderedness ever being particularly simple). The thing is, I'm quite definitely female-bodied (12-DD bra-size – not good for dancing, I can tell you!
), and there are times when I'm perfectly happy being female and enjoy having large breasts and wearing make-up, low-cut tops etc. (For instance, the other day, I was wearing a particularly low-cut top in the car, and this guy in the car next to me was staring at my breasts, and I actually sort of felt quite gratified, as I'm normally very shy and introverted and, having tall, slim, very attractive friends, I tend to blend into the background in comparison). I also have very long hair (down to my waist) and like to wear it out sometimes to uni (I've just turned 21). However, the instant I have to do any thinking or studying, I hate having it down, 'cause it makes me feel far too girly, and have to tie it up in a pony-tail, not so that I necessarily feel like a more 'manly' girl, but so that the question of femininity is completely absent. (Does that make any sense?
). The confusing bit is that there are also occasions (probably twice as many occasions as when I feel particularly feminine) when I feel more like a gay man than a bi-curious woman, and wish I were male and not female. When watching movies and TV shows and reading books, it's rare that I'll identify with the heroine – I almost always identify with the male lead (or not even the lead role, necessarily). Since I was about 10, when my friends and I played games at school and had 'our own' characters, I was almost always a male character, and when we found a thing of make-up one night at a friend's sleepover, I drew (on myself) a thin moustache and goatee (à la
Pirates of the Caribbean) with some eyeliner.
There are also frequent instances when I completely forget about gender. It's always a surprise on Facebook when they say of me that "she has added X application", and when I write in the status bar what I'm doing, it always makes me uncomfortable writing about myself in the third person and referring to myself as "she", 'cause I never really feel it. At the same time, though, "he" doesn't sound quite right, and "it" just makes me sound like some random inanimate object.
I'm not planning on having SRS or any therapy 'cause I don't think it would help, screwed up as it all may sound, and I'm not planning on telling my family any time soon, mainly 'cause I don't think it will really achieve anything (they'd all be fine with it, but it'd just be this seemingly random bit of information that they'd learn, and which would then probably never affect them again). I guess the main thing for me at the moment is having a name to put to it, and then I can decide from there what to do with it.
Sorry, I know it's long and ranty, but help?
If anyone has any ideas/comments/advice, I'd be very grateful
.
Thanks,
Lutin
