The panic attacks.  Ten years of chest pains, neck pains, jaw pains, irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, extreme anxiety, no discernible physical cause, antidepressants, beta blockers, tranquilizers didn't work, anti anxiety meds didn't work, at the end of that ten years I was almost house bound.  I transitioned to save my sanity and my career, and my life.

A few weeks before I entered therapy I had a ten second run of irregular heartbeats accompanied by the worst pain in my jaw I ever felt in my life.  The cardio said it was a near heart attack and would have turned into one if it had lasted any longer.

I transitioned because I wanted to live.

Hugs, Carly

Jessie,

Your story is very similar to mine, 42, SO and two kids.

I've not made the choice yet, but am on the verge. Not cause I'm suicidal, at least yet, but because everyday is starting to become a drag.

I'm becoming less of a partner to my SO and less of a role model for the boys.

My partner, she has said the same as yours, no intention of dating a woman though she supports me being more feminine.

I've spent all my life doing the masculine things to convince myself I'm male. Talked like the guys, always doing very male focused sports, riding motorcycles, loving cars etc. But none of it ever took away the feeling of how amazing I felt putting on women's clothes, playing with makeup and the excitement shopping for my female self.

You seem to be in therapy, I am too, what an amazing support, it's what keeps things from not coming fully apart right now.

My therapist and I have talked about me coming out to them in a session where they are invited, maybe it will be one for my SO and on for the boys afterwards. They are only 9 and 12 currently.

Could you imagine doing something similar? With the support of the therapist you can explain pretty much the post you just made here. The struggle you have everyday trying to hold everything together.  Not sure how old your kids are but at least your wife needs to hear how much this is "killing" you slowly.

I think that theme is extremely common here, even if some don't even consider hurting themselves on purpose, it does seem like eventually, that might be in the cards.

I've not started yet, as I mentioned, but I'm headed there as I'm dealing with first the recent loss of my mother and now my father is about to leave as well, so I just realized after also loosing my sister that life can suddenly be so short, that we do owe it to ourselves to try and save ourselves and as mentioned in another post, get busy living because the alternative is simply get busy dying.

If you do feel like talking with somebody in a very similar situation, I know it could help me as well, PM me and I'll share my details so we can talk.


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I was just plain miserable. Yes more options as a guy in my world,  but my gender dysphoria was really making me depressed. I tried the guy thing for 44 years, it just was plain miserable. Now on hrt, and not transitioned? Its weird, its like yea, I get looks and the like for my femmy appearance, but I'm like "so what?", I'm cool with myself.

When it came down to transition or die. After drinking to the point I got the shakes if I didn't drink, and several active suicide attempts it became obvious that I sucked at suicide, active or passive. It was finally time to try something different, and maybe trying to live. Since I have transitioned I have decided to address my other demons and have started to take care of my physical and mental health. As my 50th birthday looms on the horizon I can honestly say I never pictured myself here, but I can't imagine myself anywhere else either.

Noise.

This rattled round in my head since my early days.  I remember this feeling of pressure and noise in my head.  It kinda sounded like that noise in the advert for Prometheus. But louder, angrier. It never seemed to go away unless I wore appropriate clothing an so on. Or obtaining alcohol subdued it.

It disappeared after I started HRT. Now is just feels like a bleep and signal lost sound.

I kinda miss it. It feels a bit empty up there now, even 20ish years down the line.

My respect for you all has grown, just by reading your stories, and how you have overcome, or are trying to overcome your inner turmoil about your gender.

I'm at the point where I am out to my wife and 11 year old. I've been on HRT for around ten years, and it has helped me immensely. My spouse is concerned that I'm looking too feminine, but I haven't yet reconciled what I plan on doing with my relationship with her, because I can't stop HRT, and don't plan on looking less feminine (can't really control that one while I'm on hormones). The dysphoria is lessened, but as so many of you have said, it is still there, and probably won't go away until I'm living full time.

I send my love to all of you!!



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Jessica, first about your physical symptoms I'd suggest reading "the body keeps the score" by Bessel van der Kolk. If you can't afford the book I can probably send you a copy of the journal article of the same title.

To the effect on your family. Remember your wife has always been married to a woman, it may and maybe should take time to adjust but some people do. For instance I had to wait a long time after surgery to receive head from my GF but it finally happened and she definitely enjoyed giving. I never thought I'd see that day.

To your question, some form of transition was my only option. I waited 20 years to start hrt and I don't consider that was optional but some people can't for medical reasons. I'm tremendously glad I've had GCS, life is simply better after.

Your kids will come around most likely. The only person in my life who was absolutely not accepting was my sis and we broke ties long ago over this. Her loss.

I always pretty much knew my only choice was to transition.  I wasn't male and I could never have successfully pretended to be.

Ladies,

What do I say other than we all share more or less the same story.

I have done the racing motorbikes, cars, built cars, houses, had a successful business career and here I find my self reduced to a gibbering wretch of a man who is failing in my duties to my wife and kids.  I am grumpy, disengaged, not sleeping and struggling with terrible anxiety.

I have wrestled with my dysphoria for 12+ years and after lots of counselling and dressing in private my wife discovered my challenges about 18 months ago.  More recently my dysphoria has contributed to the loss of my job (not through discrimination) due to my not performing at the best of my ability.

I have now taken positive steps and am working with a private GIC here in the UK and also my own counsellor who continues to provide tremendous support.  I will start HRT in the next week or so and now need to find ways to bring my wonderful wife (and 2 kids) on this journey with me, wherever it may take me.   Mistakenly I took some photo's after my last counselling session that I now can't stop looking at them as I know it to be the real (and better) me.

My wifes situation is similar to many others described - she is in denial about my situation (despite my wardrobe that now contains only womens clothes bar work wear) and probably won't accept a transition.  I love her with all of my heart but continuing as I am is not an option.   With my father being terminally ill (who has been my best friend for 40+ years) my resolve is to allow him to die not having to confront my demons.  My fortitude to continue after that will be limited - I know I must transition or suicide by neglect or action will be a real possibility.

I came out to my cousin last week who was incredibly supportive and has helped me move forward more in 7 days than I have in years.   Her first words when she saw me was "What have you done with my cousin - you look incredible!!!".   This was probably one of my happiest moments in years but my dypshoria when I have to pretend to be the person everyone knows me as is killing me.

Despite all of this I remain resolute in my belief in the future and that I deserve to fulfil my dreams and needs (even if they have changed) and I will continue to look after everyone else as best I can.  A broken wreck of a man will not help any of them if I continue as is.

My best wishes to all of you - United we move forward thanks to the wonderful team here at Susan's and I hope our shared experience helps us all navigate the bumps in the road that will inevitably come at us.

Nikki

Girl. You need to start taking care of YOU. Make amends to your wife by all means but it's your life.  You many not see it now but you will be doing right by both yourself and everybody else.

Please take care of your self, and work with your therapist on a plan.   Are you at a point where you can move forward layer by layer and feel like you are making progress?  Or are you at the point where you must now live as a woman?

I can relate to your situation.   My wife is supportive, but does not want to be with a woman.  She wants me to take at least 3 years to get to an early retirement date and older point for the kids. 

My friend tells me to make a trade off with family happiness and comprimise.   Well intentioned but does not know what this feels like!

My therapist is good and is encouraging a layer by layer approach, and part time as a woman, to see if I can find a happy place. 

In he end, I too fear that the only happy place will be a full transition, and that it may cost me my old life.   I too have thought death, not suicide, would be a better option for all.   I have have integrated remained things into my daily routine and it feels good, but not enough given the miss alignment of my inner and outer self.   When I spend a night or week end as a woman it feels amazing, and it is so hard when I leave it and switch back.   

I too don't feel like a good spouse or parent right now.   I am working rally hard on keeping the discussion open with my wife and not building a wall.  I will keep working with my therapist.  And I will keep taking a step by step approach, to feel like I am acknowledging my female self and moving.  I will try to take it slow.  Next on my layer by layer list is facial electrolysis, keeping hair growing, nails and brows, maybe some minor facial work....and finding more time as a woman. 

Please talk to your therapist and be honest.   Life is so precious, and it's important you take care of you. 

never having suffered from dysphoria as such it was just my body did not fit in with how my brain said it should. I say its like a previous life memory and since being able to live as me this last year things feel right, now just waiting for the HRT to catch up

Quote from: softbutchharley on March 29, 2018, 09:15:38 AM
The night I was riding my Harley over a bridge and considering whether to run head on into a truck or drive off the bridge . I thought to me self.."..hmmmm this thinking is problematic. I should take a look at this seriously !.." .
J

Okay - I admit it was a rental car in San Diego and a big bridge.

JillianC's response was pretty close too.  I was 54, married with kids out of school, two incomes.... we could do whatever we wanted.  Now I'm single living alone in the city on one income.  It's a change in a number of ways, but at least the screaming in my head is gone!

I realized that I had to transition when I finally felt I was willing to roll the dice and risk losing all I have built up in my life, including my family and my income. This was last summer.

I'm married to a woman and have three kids in school and have a serious career as a CEO for a small financial institution. Through the years, I have tried to convince myself that it is my duty to take my secret to the grave and upholding the polished look of the perfect family life. When I finally looked myself in the mirrorand realized that I'd rather be alone and without a job, but as a woman, I realized I had to transition.

My wife didn't want be to transition as she is only attracted to women. My children are supportive. As for now, we will stay married in a platonic polyamorous relationship, i e, both my wife and I seek intomate partners outside of our marriage. In doing so, we do not need to split the family withe negative consequences for our children.

When I was on a Summer holiday and felt totally uncomfortable in a male swimsuit. I had spent thousands of dollars on the holiday and I felt it was a huge waste of money because I couldn't enjoy myself. I needed to be in a bikini.

My body had already transitioned in its own way when I was born. Yes, I was born male but grew up too girly in too many ways (mostly physically). Unfortunately I will always be closeted and I have accepted that reality. I have been on HRT for two years and I am transitioning more (large, growing breasts already) than I should if I stay in the closet. But I can't stop HRT after all this time. My way of doing things is wrong, I know, but my face is simply too masculine to fully transition from the neck up . HRT is not helping there. Hopefully in year three, my face will start catching up with these nice two-year-old breasts. Fingers crossed....

Hi Jessie...
In "Man's Search for Meaning," Viktor Frankl wrote "To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in suffering. This is our quest throughout life."

There is large suffering such as feeling on the knife's edge of whether to transition or not, the desire for closure and the fear of opening Pandora's box to greater difficulty or suffering.

But our essence begins with life and self-definition. Who and how we are are the anchor of the rest... the relationships, how other's respond to us, celebration and meaning and excitement.

There are two "accommodations," you accommodating your needs and essence and your world accommodating you.  Each of us find peace by walking that path and allowing events to play out.  There's only so much that any of us can "control."

If "to live is to suffer," that challenge is indeed to resolve the suffering and grow meaning. --Bjaiy

For me I could not go on living the lie of a life I was living I hated myself I hated my life I tried and did so many things to try to be someone that I was not I hurt people that should never have been hurt and I was at the point where I was going to end my life. So I made a discussion that I would transition no matter what it cost me so I would not let down my mother. That was basically it. My mom past when I was 8 and I know she would just want me to be happy

After my dads funeral in may of 2015 and meeting up with the children of my abuser it brought everything back up fresh in my head. At this point I had years of self harm and self abuse and stuffing all my emotions but never hurt anyone else. Almost destroyed my current marriage but couldn't put my finger on it for another year(2016). Then my mindset started to change and over another year to may of 2017 my mind became set on transitioning. Suicide thoughts abounded and I hated me and it. Meds started in may 2017 and I've never been happier. Finally came out to my wife in December of 2017 and we are working together to move forward.

to be or not to be