Thank you Kendra, Allison, Sadie and Cassi for your support.

4/4 operation with Dr.McGinn is all set and I am ready.

The music teacher yesterday evening said she can not help me any further. I have difficulty hearing and articulating  the differences of half notes in an up and down slide. She had me close my eyes when she did the sliders and had me mimic the sounds. As she expected I have difficulty distinguishing the pitch differences. 4 sessions and she caught me. I have fantastic hearing ability to high and low ranges but distinguishing the fine differences I have great difficulty mimicking.

I meet with Dr. Sataloff. I have achieved the outcome from his procedure. My voice is andro. I scheduled a glottoplasty for 5/14. He said he will use micro instruments. He said  He last stitch is a special stitch to prevent the over healing and scar effecting the vocal folds. He said I will have my pitch raised but lose the lower pitch and have less range unless I increase my range more. I think I can go higher . I gained 25 hz in the past month. I think from healing and practice.

Ok, so I am starting to figure some things out. This could be triggering and it is about self hate.

When I was just about 5 I told my Mom I am a girl. Things did not go well. She told my Dad and he gave me a crew cut and I could not play with my girlfriends. I was treated differently than my brother and sister. There was a lot of physical violence in the house. To be different and be treated poorly cause a part of me to adopt my parents and brother thinking. A part of me (anti-me) became my worst enemy. The anti-me constantly put me down and feed me a constant barrage of hatred, self hatred.

Going through life I constantly refed myself the memories and feelings that kept me down. No one could ever be as cruel to me as I have been to myself.

Stepping off a curb in Philly in the spring when I was 50 I hit a point when the self hate got to the point of critical.

As I transitioned I started to replay points in my life with different endings. Each time I would stand up to my parents at some life and death point and they would allow me to transition and love me and accept me being different.

My parents and brother are long gone. Others took their place and one by one they are gone or no longer an influence over me. I have transitioned and I am starting to really like myself for who I am. I still have some messaging of shame and insecurity as I go through my journey and jump the next hurdle. I am much stronger now and am figuring things out.

So I created a part of me to shame myself to not be myself. I used self hate to keep myself from being myself. It involved shame and duplicating the hate that was expressed to me from others.

Somewhere along the line of transition my self hate decreased and then stopped. I think the last bit of it left when my ex-wife left. Perhaps I married her to keep myself from transitioning. Not perhaps, I married her as a continuation of my self hate.

Suicidal ideation although sometimes it hits it is minor and very shorted lived compared to before when It could become life threatening. As I go on I kind of want to live.

So I made my self hate, shame and suicidal ideation to suppress who I am. To keep myself from being myself and out of harms way.

Only when I exited the dark tunnel of self hate could I see what I had done to myself. I think letting go of the people and the past of the people that I tried to please was so very important. I think realizing the people at a HRC event Tuesday are like me and I am like them really put things into perspective. I am a good person I am just different than cis hetero. Different can be good.

No one told me dysphoria was curable; no one told me self hate was curable; no one told me I could like who I am becoming or who I am when I came to them for help 5.25 years ago.

Quote from: Rachel on March 28, 2018, 08:16:37 PM
Thank you Kendra, Allison, Sadie and Cassi for your support.

4/4 operation with Dr.McGinn is all set and I am ready.

The music teacher yesterday evening said she can not help me any further. I have difficulty hearing and articulating  the differences of half notes in an up and down slide. She had me close my eyes when she did the sliders and had me mimic the sounds. As she expected I have difficulty distinguishing the pitch differences. 4 sessions and she caught me. I have fantastic hearing ability to high and low ranges but distinguishing the fine differences I have great difficulty mimicking.

I meet with Dr. Sataloff. I have achieved the outcome from his procedure. My voice is andro. I scheduled a glottoplasty for 5/14. He said he will use micro instruments. He said  He last stitch is a special stitch to prevent the over healing and scar effecting the vocal folds. He said I will have my pitch raised but lose the lower pitch and have less range unless I increase my range more. I think I can go higher . I gained 25 hz in the past month. I think from healing and practice.

Hi Rach,

Well, may the Force be with you in your upcoming adventures!!!!!

Wow, I actually started reading the beginning of your thread a few months ago. I can't believe it's been over 5 years!! In actuality... Amazing when things are written down and looking back is just a click away... and where you are now- it's astonishing actually.
I can't wait for that to happen to me

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Thank you Cassi.

Allison, your time will come. I hope quicker than me.

Tonight I will be going to New Hope for dinner. I think I will try the Raven. I will not be leaving early and I will stay around and see what happens.

Quote from: Rachel on March 30, 2018, 06:28:25 PM
Ok, so I am starting to figure some things out. This could be triggering and it is about self hate.

When I was just about 5 I told my Mom I am a girl. Things did not go well. She told my Dad and he gave me a crew cut and I could not play with my girlfriends. I was treated differently than my brother and sister. There was a lot of physical violence in the house. To be different and be treated poorly cause a part of me to adopt my parents and brother thinking. A part of me (anti-me) became my worst enemy. The anti-me constantly put me down and feed me a constant barrage of hatred, self hatred.

Going through life I constantly refed myself the memories and feelings that kept me down. No one could ever be as cruel to me as I have been to myself.

Stepping off a curb in Philly in the spring when I was 50 I hit a point when the self hate got to the point of critical.

As I transitioned I started to replay points in my life with different endings. Each time I would stand up to my parents at some life and death point and they would allow me to transition and love me and accept me being different.

My parents and brother are long gone. Others took their place and one by one they are gone or no longer an influence over me. I have transitioned and I am starting to really like myself for who I am. I still have some messaging of shame and insecurity as I go through my journey and jump the next hurdle. I am much stronger now and am figuring things out.

So I created a part of me to shame myself to not be myself. I used self hate to keep myself from being myself. It involved shame and duplicating the hate that was expressed to me from others.

Somewhere along the line of transition my self hate decreased and then stopped. I think the last bit of it left when my ex-wife left. Perhaps I married her to keep myself from transitioning. Not perhaps, I married her as a continuation of my self hate.

Suicidal ideation although sometimes it hits it is minor and very shorted lived compared to before when It could become life threatening. As I go on I kind of want to live.

So I made my self hate, shame and suicidal ideation to suppress who I am. To keep myself from being myself and out of harms way.

Only when I exited the dark tunnel of self hate could I see what I had done to myself. I think letting go of the people and the past of the people that I tried to please was so very important. I think realizing the people at a HRC event Tuesday are like me and I am like them really put things into perspective. I am a good person I am just different than cis hetero. Different can be good.

No one told me dysphoria was curable; no one told me self hate was curable; no one told me I could like who I am becoming or who I am when I came to them for help 5.25 years ago.

I am so proud of you for discovering these insights. You are catching up with the rest of us who already know how amazing you are. Way to go Girlfriend!
Moni

Quote from: Rachel on March 31, 2018, 01:05:23 PM
Thank you Cassi.

Allison, your time will come. I hope quicker than me.

Tonight I will be going to New Hope for dinner. I think I will try the Raven. I will not be leaving early and I will stay around and see what happens.

I'm too scared of surgeries [emoji22] I'm living through you and if hrt can give me anything, which it already has in a way, is my will to continue in life... but I love how far you've come and continue to strive for. Truly amazing!!!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Hi Monica, thank you and thank you for your support.

Allison, thank you and thank you for your support. You look young from your avatar so HRT can have very powerful effective. Surgeries are a positive and a negative, nothing is without a price. Hopefully the positives outweigh the negatives. Sometimes we think we know the outcome of a surgery before it happens but in reality we never know until it is over.

============================

Tomorrow at 0645 I need to be at Barix Clinic. I am the second operation scheduled which is slated for 2 hours.

Hi, I am at Barix Clinic now. It is clean and well maintained. I saw Dr. McGinn briefly as she came into the the front entrance.

I can not wait till this is over. I think the waiting is the worse thing.

My coinsurance and deductible has been meet for the year so there is a zero cost to me.

All set and ready to go 😀

Best wishes!

As for the waiting, I suppose that's why the medical field refers to customers as patience...   

Hi Kendra, thank you for your support

I arrived a the Barix Center at about 0600. I was 45 minutes early. . My surgery was scheduled for 0845 they took me back at 1015 hrs. The first surgery went long. I was in recovery I think 1230 hrs. My sister came at 1400 hrs so everything work out well.

Barix is a clean and well maintained 12 year old surgery center. Everyone was very nice and professional. The place is clean and short of me reviewing the infrastructure and maintenance records I think it is a very good place. I was same day surgery so I can not comment on the stay.

I have packing and a catheter and I am taking the pain meds. I go back to Papillion Friday at 0900 hrs to have my catheter out. I will confirm I also see them Monday to have the packing removed.

When I sit to empty the catheter there is some bright red blood. I was told to expect this. I definitely feel the bottom of my vagina was worked on. There is pain even with the Vicodin.

Dr. McGinn, Krystal and the new PA replacing Brianna who is also named Brianna are very nice. I called Laurie and confirmed a 0900 hrs Papillion visit Friday. I did this from recovery bed. OCD.

I am off from work for 2 weeks and I just have enough work to get done for Thursday and Friday which is mandatory. My boss made the next Wednesday Directors meeting mandatory. I will be back at work for at least that one meeting next week. I have my Mac so I will do the purchasing, payroll, invoices and mail from home too. I think I will adjust my vacation days accordingly.

When I removed my piercings and jewelry this morning I realized I wear jewelry now. Little by little I added more over the years to go from nothing to 7 pieces of jewelry all the time. I think I will be getting some more piercings in my ears so I can wear a hoop and stud in each year. Maybe a Cartledge. I saw a beautiful feminine tat in Mean Street tattoo and piercing place near me. If I got another tat which I most likely will some day I know what it will be.

So work did not call me today. Someone from Finances texted me. We were having meetings about the budget and stewardship Monday and Tuesday.  It was nice of her to text me good wishes.

I returned home from Papillion. I had a 0900 appointment and I have another Monday at 0930. The catheter was removed and I can shower now but not to direct any water into the vaginal area.

Krystal took out the surrounding packing and left the internal packing. I do not dilate until they see my healing progress Monday.

I am very excited. I have nice labia now and a finished vaginal canal. My hood is awesome and I have deep labia now. I am very happy. Krystal said Dr. McGinn was able to remove most of the scar tissue and put new skin there. They are hoping the graft works, me too.

I have a mandatory meeting I need to attend Wednesday but I will take the full 2 weeks off. I have some extensive rework and grafts I do not want to hurt with excess walking. Wednesday I will check to see If I can park at the building where the meeting is located and have the materials delivered to the meeting. If I can it will save a few miles of walking.

I am a very happy girl today

Such great news Rachel, do take I easy and either insist on parking accommodation or use a ride share.

❤️❤️, Glad for you, I will look forward to hearing your results :-)

So happy to hear things are going better Rachel. I have no doubt everything will be fine. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Kendra on April 04, 2018, 06:45:01 AM
Best wishes!

As for the waiting, I suppose that's why the medical field refers to customers as patience...   

@ Kendra:  A funny but seemingly very TRUE play on words....  and remember too that Doctors have their "practice" .....  we all go to practicing doctors !!!   LOL

The one thing in my life that took a lot more patience was getting started on my transition journey, starting HRT, and impatiently waiting for significant body changes....   after 3+ years of HRT and going full time a year and a half ago, all I can say is .... IT WAS WELL WORTH IT !!!   And my journey continues but with less struggle and more happiness.
Danielle

Lol Danielle and Kendra

Congrats Rachel!! Thanks for sharing every step of the way with us.. we all like to hear that you're happy [emoji4]

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Hi Sadie, Mariah, Danielle and Allison,

Thank you for your support and well wishes.
-------------------------------------------------

So far so good. The pain is dissipating and only slight when I sit down and the red blood has given way to a clearish fluid with a slight red tinge. When I pee it cleans out the vagina pretty well.

I took some pics of the work. I think it looks great and hope everything heals. Dr. McGinn used the excess skin in my crotch area for the graph. I am black and blue and there is a mesh material covering the area.

I had fear moving the urethra would make it difficult to pee. It is super fast now with a strong stream.

Oh, the new PAc is Debbie.

Glad to hear you are happy with the work and that you are progressing. I have a noon appointment there tomorrow. Not sure how it will go.

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 08, 2018, 03:07:51 PM
Glad to hear you are happy with the work and that you are progressing. I have a noon appointment there tomorrow. Not sure how it will go.

Good happening on your appointment but please don't where your bunny suit.  They won't hare of it?

LOL Cassie.

Monica, there is a huge difference since the GCS. I am there at 9:30.

I can not do much walking so I do not know if I will be able to find a breakfast place open on a Monday in New Hope at around 10:00.