Blackcat on this website recommended that I read this book ~ the Jedi Trick. Felix Conrad is a TG MTF that does not wish to transition.

The most important point that he raises, and many will disagree especially on this website, is that if one doesn't pass as a a woman, dysphoria continues because the dream of the TG is to be a complete woman, not a woman that still resembles a man. Prejudice and discrimination in society only reinforce the reality that one doesn't pass since a TG that passes can't be singled out, and that dysphoria continues or worsens. Those that don't pass are the ones subject to that discrimination, part of the reason that suicide rates are so high in TG.

I always had and have this deep feeling that if I transitioned all my relationships would be gone or changed, my marriage would fall apart, and worst of all I would look into a mirror and see a man dressed like a woman ~ very depressing.  My features are too masculine to ever pass as a woman, unless I had many plastic surgery procedures and totally change my looks into someone completely different. I would need months of electrolysis. I also would need to have SRS to pass as a woman for my self. I imagine taking a shower and seeing my penis instead of the vagina I dream of ~ not being a woman physically. That surgery is also no walk in the park and can have serious complications. I would be so terrified, I probably couldn't do it. 

I agree with Conrad ~ I know that I am a woman in a man's body, but because I can not actually ever be one physically (some TG MTF can pass and that is a wonderful thing) my dysphoria will continue or worsen. I want to be a real woman, not a man that looks like one.

Transition is a pretty broad concept for wannabe broads, pretty and less so. Here's my take on your mind trick.

I don't love "suspension of disbelief". Jrr Tolkein wrote an essay on the difference building a world that's so complete that the reader's experience is immersive, rather than spectative.

I know passable and pretty trans women who are terrified of surgery, women who happily transition with hormones and no surgery or an orchi etc etc etc. I myself am not planning on passing, for now I'm content to have a vagina, breasts, feminine hair and I deal with just not having a passable face. I present with the best look I can manage.

For me however appearance really has proved to be gloss. An amazing thing happened when I got to about 3 months post op from my vaginoplasty:

Having addressed genital dysphoria I found I was finally more accepting of he body I have and also began to feel attraction for women I'd never before found appealing. For most of my life I've been most attracted to slender and small busted women. Post-op I've been amazed that women of all shapes appeal to me.

In being accepting of myself an impo door opened, I hadn't expected that as a gift of surgery b it surely was.

Hi Sadie Blake,

Thanks for your response ~

Certainly everyone has there own individual experience and I am glad that your experience has been a positive one for you. You should be proud of your courage!

For me, looking at myself in the mirror, seeing a man dressed like a woman is depressing. My brain is telling me I want to be a woman in all mental and physical aspects. Still seeing my physical maleness reminds me that I will never physically be a woman and that depresses me. I also know that the loss of my wife and friends if I do transition is irreversible, I can't turn the clock back if transitioning doesn't meet my expectations, which is equally depressing.

 Karen,
  I wish I had some magic answer for you, but I don't. For now, I will just say that I am sorry for your pain. I am very familiar with that pain. I was very close to taking the path that you are on now for the rest of my life. 55 years included a lot of the same pain for me. We all have to look at our situations and make that call on risk/reward. I respect your decision while wishing you didn't have to be faced with it. Still look for happiness where you can find it. I hope you can find plenty in your family and elsewhere.
Moni

Ultimately, if the pain of inauthenticity becomes so great, that one has to make a choice. Most of the time the methods of not transitioning are maladaptive and have negative consequences, but it's a choice. Even at best, one is allowing the collective is decide who they are. The false self isn't a noble nor virtuous position. It never was and it's why we have so many unhappy people and addiction problems in our society, IMO.


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My two gender therapists have both said to do two things: add more femininity to my life and learn to accept myself. Doing both is helping. I was so focused on the dilemma of transition or not, that it was becoming a self-induced stressor.

Coming out to a few key people in my life (without transitioning) has worked wonders to take the weight off my shoulders - I guess part of that stems from me being able to be authentic with them and still be accepted.

One of the reasons I don't wish to transition currently is due to the risks and technological limitations of FtM SRS, relative to what I would hope to get from a "complete" transition, and for my personal needs I would still be left wanting. Combined with finances, medical history, and the entire life I'd destroy with my partner - the gains don't outweigh the losses. There are a lot of variables at play and they could change over time, but honestly, the best thing for my health on all levels, at this point in time, is to keep the form I have. YMMV.

This means I HAVE to find ways to integrate my (secret) self into everyday life, or pressure is going to build. This means a lot of experimenting with my look, trying new things sexually, and I'm probably going to go back to school for a career change in the fall.

If my boy-self had the wheel, what would he do? That's where I'm looking for answers, and the idea has led me to plenty of good ones.

Everyone's path is different. I think it's important to deeply consider all of one's options.

At the end of the day, I would regret not trying to make it work with my partner. Especially if going to the military store to pick up some costumes for roleplay is all it takes.

I also don't want to sound like I'm glossing over the importance of seeking help if you feel like you can't stand to be alive. Suicidal impulses, in a way, are a scream for things to change that can't be ignored. So please listen closely, take care of yourself, and enlist whatever help is necessary.

Quote from: karenk1959 on April 07, 2018, 07:22:58 AM
Hi Sadie Blake,

Thanks for your response ~

Certainly everyone has there own individual experience and I am glad that your experience has been a positive one for you. You should be proud of your courage!

For me, looking at myself in the mirror, seeing a man dressed like a woman is depressing. My brain is telling me I want to be a woman in all mental and physical aspects. Still seeing my physical maleness reminds me that I will never physically be a woman and that depresses me. I also know that the loss of my wife and friends if I do transition is irreversible, I can't turn the clock back if transitioning doesn't meet my expectations, which is equally depressing.

My only thought based on my own experience is that you may surprise yourself. You say you think you will never pass... well, that is part of what kept me depressed and in denial for my life up until now. And honestly... now I'm reasonably sure I am going to able to pass completely. The picture in our heads of ourselves... it's potentially far harsher than the truth. It is easy to miss the hints behind stubble, or fail to appreciate the subtle but vastly important HRT fat redistribution in face. Of course transition isn't for everyone. I'm just saying just because you think you won't pass, doesn't mean that you actually won't when all is said and done. Of course it always bears mentioning that everyone's experience is different, and hormones and other aspects of transition have different effects on different people. But it's not something to underestimate regardless.

If you have any interest in that ebook, get it fast.  Because once the Disney people find out this guy is using their intellectual property this ebook is going to disappear fast.  What—you don't think the word Jedi or the term Jedi mind trick are copyrighted?  When both the word and the expression originated in the screenplay of the original Star Wars?

This YouTube video, plus others like it, show the POWER of Makeup.
And it is truly a mind trick.

The one at 3:55 got to me a bit.

Quote from: Mumei on April 08, 2018, 02:02:49 AM
This YouTube video, plus others like it, show the POWER of Makeup.
And it is truly a mind trick.

She's clearly very feminine without makeup but yeah it definitely transformed her. Still think she's so beautiful without it [emoji4]

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QuoteShe's clearly very feminine without makeup but yeah it definitely transformed her. Still think she's so beautiful without it

Hi Allison, you said she's clearly very feminine without makeup. I would like see a video starting with a very masculine face

Quote from: Roll on April 08, 2018, 10:20:57 AM
The one at 3:55 got to me a bit.

I guess beauty is only makeup deep.
One popular saying in Australia, maybe everywhere, is "we all look the same in the dark." So, lucky are those who have found that person they can live with forever.

Quote from: Mumei on April 08, 2018, 04:35:22 PM
I guess beauty is only makeup deep.
One popular saying in Australia, maybe everywhere, is "we all look the same in the dark." So, lucky are those who have found that person they can live with forever.

I just meant in the sense that my (lack of) hair is my largest source of dysphoria. I'm not really triggered by anything, but that particular part came very close.

Quote from: Roll on April 08, 2018, 07:32:22 PM
I just meant in the sense that my (lack of) hair is my largest source of dysphoria. I'm not really triggered by anything, but that particular part came very close.

Lack of head hair?
Oh I see.
Some of those girls had amazing receding hairlines, but were able to hide it pretty well.
I used to live around the corner from one of the most famous hair transplanters in the world, Dr Ray Woods. Too expensive though. But his technique allows the transplanted hair to keep growing.

Quote from: karenk1959 on April 07, 2018, 05:09:43 AM
Blackcat on this website recommended that I read this book ~ the Jedi Trick. Felix Conrad is a TG MTF that does not wish to transition.

With a wave of the hand, "These aren't the transwomen you're looking for"...

Karen (and Blackcat) - thanks so much for passing the reference for that book on. I read your post and the thread. Know that you are not alone in your journey. I was in a similar place not long ago.

I downloaded Conrads book last night and read the whole thing in one glass of wine. It's really more of a exposition than book - but worth the $3.99. The beginning put me off a bit but the more I read the more I realized that the arguments made were very close to my position on transitioning.

If you read through some of my posts, you find out that I am a non-socially-transitioning MTF. I coined my path to be the "middle-path" - neither male or female presenting. So for all of the same reasons you have, aversions to surgery, long time partner considerations, careers, friendships, you name it (FYI, I'm 56), I have chosen to live as authentically as possible without fully transitioning. So, I am what my therapist calls a "soft male" on the outside to folks that don't know me. They just think I must be gay or whatever. I am, however, well into my second year of HRT, love my long hair and wearing colorful clothes and jewelry.

Here's one of the things I resonated to with Conrad's work. He says: the first thing you do after deciding not to transition is to come out to people as TG. Right on! Sounds counter intuitive but both his and my experience in coming out as Transgender are similar. It has ranged from my 22yo son saying "oh, so you're non-binary, that's cool" to an old friend saying "interesting, where are we going for lunch?". No shock and awe - which works for me. Why? because I get (1) acceptance and (2) the expectations on the part of those folks that I am a normal-CIS-Male-guy-dude disappear. Not only disappear but when I wear some comfortable feminine clothing, no one bats an eye. Note this is different than presenting as totally female which is, for me, way more challenging. My voice is the same and while I shave close because I hate facial hair, I still get shadow. And sometimes I have to male it up and wear a sport coat and tie (floral print, of course) to some wedding or something. My demeanor, if you ask anyone is all Lauren. I hang out with the girls, etc. I don't have to pretend to like guy things if I don't actually like them.

One thing that occurred to me when I decided to do the "middle path" that Conrad didn't say is that when you've come out as non-binary to those around you, over time if you then decide to transition no one will be shocked or surprised. In my case, I always have left the door open - I reserve the right to transition in the future if I feel like it.

Lauren, thanks for sharing!

QuoteI get (1) acceptance and (2) the expectations on the part of those folks that I am a normal-CIS-Male-guy-dude disappear. Not only disappear but when I wear some comfortable feminine clothing, no one bats an eye. Note this is different than presenting as totally female which is, for me, way more challenging. ... I don't have to pretend to like guy things if I don't actually like them.

I'm realizing as I come out to people as trans/non-transitioning that I'm reaping the liberation of hanging up the shackles of expectation. I don't feel tense around anyone because I am literally just myself. Even if, on the surface, nothing has changed - I just said what I am.

Learning how to pass as male for me would be a whole different kettle of fish. If I could magically step into a perfect male body, my behavior and presentation would still be immensely queer. I would, in some ways, be walking into a new set of expectations.

Quote
One thing that occurred to me when I decided to do the "middle path" that Conrad didn't say is that when you've come out as non-binary to those around you, over time if you then decide to transition no one will be shocked or surprised. In my case, I always have left the door open - I reserve the right to transition in the future if I feel like it.

This is another thing I find myself unconsciously doing: working out a neutral name, making shifts in my career and wardrobe so that, if I were to transition, I'd already be set. The door is always open if circumstances change, and it's important for me to know I'm not locked down to ANY presentation.

Most importantly about making these changes, though, is that they are affording me more freedom of presentation and imposing less expectations. Regardless of whether or not I start HRT, these are all things that must be addressed for my sanity.

"reaping the liberation of hanging up the shackles of expectation" - Yes! And that's a pretty good way to live.

As a buddhist, I recognize that pain is unavoidable as it's part of our existence, suffering on the other hand, is optional.

I also think that if I were given magically a female body, I'd be some queer chick too! I jokingly said to my therapist recently (she's gay) "I think I caught a bad case of the gay!" - which cracked her up totally. Then her eye's narrowed and she says, "we queers, we're everywhere".