Quote from: amydane on April 07, 2018, 04:30:17 PM
I'm jealous, I would love to have C cups. I can imagine it's really hard to hide them. I wish I didn't have to hide them, but for me at this point full time transition isn't something I feel like I need to be happy. 

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I can deal quite easily right now with hiding because I just don't try to notice the curiosity of others. I know they are looking, if not gawking sometimes. But it's worth the stress so that I can enjoy the nice soft sensuality of large breasts in the privacy of home. It's a new life now in that I have to sleep in bed much differently than months before. I have actually cut round holes in my mattress topper to accommodate my new chest. It works well. Very comfortable this way. I don't know for how long, as my breasts are growing very quickly now....again...

Quote from: cdtv4life on April 20, 2018, 08:24:54 PM
I cannot ever transition, and will never understand this "happy" delusion thing.
I am content and accepting that at 6'8" 250ish lbs I will never look like a female in any way shape or form.
I started taking Hormones over 14 years ago, 54 now, there has never been much change other than lessened hair growth and small breast growth.
I live my life as a giant intimidating man, however if I were less than 6 feet tall with smaller than size 16 feet I would transition in a heartbeat, world, family, friends be damned.
That is not an option though, so I just do the daily stuff I do, wear what I want beneath my male garb and at home and accept my incontrovertible lot in life with a grin and what I estimate to be a reasonably content outlook.
My wife, and some friends know and it's not been an issue...former wife blabbed to anyone who would listen and most thought she was full of crap, others who asked me got no denials, I have never been one to care much for the opinions of others.
My advice is you do what it takes to achieve a consistent level of contentment for you, most of the people at my local support group cannot imagine settling into a life like mine, I suspect neither would most here.
Regardless, be the you, you want to be, and don't let others dissuade you based on their petty wants and sensibilities.
absolute best hopes for you sustained mental stability in this quest.

Wow.  Thank you for sharing and for your encouragement.   

I can't imagine my wife blabbing my story.  I probably would do the same and not deny.   

You are a strong person for enduring what you are!

Hugs

Karen

Hi everyone. 

Since the beginning of this thread I have been to a gender therapist who has done 5 hours of interviewing and about 7 tests...tomorrow I found out his perspective.   I suspect one option is intense counselling...reparative like therapy and the other bare with it all or hormones.   I will let you know what happens. 

I have also kept up my laser treatments and have done 2 on my face....almost no black hair left, but lots of grey.  Electronics is nest.   

Thanks for all your sharing and advice    Please keep it coming

Karen

Karen

Thank you I look forward to reading the further advice you receive from gender therapist.

Just to let you know that I thought I could remain hidden just managing by living male outside and female indoors including clothes, make-up and bodyshaving but the dysphoria became too intense and like you I decided on therapy last year. My therapist and I both decided HRT to explore/confirm my transgender feelings.

As you can see, I have been on HRT for 10 weeks, I am feeling the emotional benefits and I await the physical ones with hope.

However HRT has increased my desire to become an intension to transition if/when physical changes happen.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Hugs

Pamela

I am on HRT since about 3 years, and only presenting as male.   I have no problems to hide chest growth (except at the swimming pool). My wife is accepting well. HRT really helps my dysphoria.

Quote from: Karen on March 26, 2018, 07:16:15 PM
Hi everyone.   

I would love to hear and understand how MTF transgender individuals find ways to live a happy / comfortable life without full or social transition.   Is there anyone out there that lives this way?

I have lived as both a woman and a dad without transition during the past 15 years. I am 54 yr old. I once tried HRT, but the doctor did not allow it as I am married, and with children.

I teach and lecture frequently, and have never met a serious problem. But the audience tend to look surprised when they start hearing my voice    In summer I wear bikini with my family in beaches.


<I am chairing a session at a meeting held in San Diego, 2 yrs ago>


<Nearby beach>



One of my friends is a professional photographer, and he sometimes takes nice photos for me. I enjoy it.

I am not quite sure whether I am happy, but I do not think I am unhappy. My two sons have grown up, and my little daughter likes to play with me. My wife is always supportive of me like my colleagues and friends.

barbie~~

Quote from: barbie on April 21, 2018, 12:38:50 PM
I have lived as both a woman and a dad without transition during the past 15 years. I am 54 yr old. I once tried HRT, but the doctor did not allow it as I am married, and with children.

I teach and lecture frequently, and have never met a serious problem. But the audience tend to look surprised when they start hearing my voice    In summer I wear bikini with my family in beaches.


<I am chairing a session at a meeting held in San Diego, 2 yrs ago>


<Nearby beach>



One of my friends is a professional photographer, and he sometimes takes nice photos for me. I enjoy it.

I am not quite sure whether I am happy, but I do not think I am unhappy. My two sons have grown up, and my little daughter likes to play with me. My wife is always supportive of me like my colleagues and friends.

barbie~~

Wow.  Amazing. And inspiring.   What kind of career do or did you have, and how has that played out?

Thank you

Karen

Hi everyone.   I am in a low spot today.   I have my therapist appointment, after 5 hours of assessment, and am worried about the outcome.  I am so exhausted from this Dysphoria, and related life stresses.   

Have any of you felt huge stress toward cis friends and spouses?  I feel supported, but I don't feel empathy or understanding.  My spouse and dear friend, both logical people, keep suggesting I need to keep an open mind, I am not ready to see you, this is hard for me...with no ability to relate to the massive turmoil I feel inside.   I am very empathetic to and regretful for what I am putting them through and that this is hard to understand if you can't feel it.  But, wholly crap is it frustrating and hurtful when the people closest to you can't empathize and try to tell you how to feel.   

Am I alone ?

Karen

I am a professor teaching and researching marine biology at a national university here. I already got a tenure position. Undergraduate students are very flexible and accepting, and are busy doing their own business. I currently stay with a few graduate students to whom I provide enough salary. Aged professors here tend to be conservative, but are intelligent and educated enough to understand ->-bleeped-<-. Yes. There have been a lot of bumps in the road, but my working and educating performance does matter, not my appearance. Once I posted my bikini photos taken at a beach in Facebook, and the university president called one of my colleagues, not directly me, and so on. Surprisingly, I once realized that most of more than 1,000 administrative staffs and faculty members seem to know me too well, which I never knew or expected. They seem to talk a lot about me in the absence of me, which I do not care 

barbie~~

Quote from: Karen on April 21, 2018, 01:13:47 PM
Hi everyone.   I am in a low spot today.   I have my therapist appointment, after 5 hours of assessment, and am worried about the outcome.  I am so exhausted from this Dysphoria, and related life stresses.   

Have any of you felt huge stress toward cis friends and spouses?  I feel supported, but I don't feel empathy or understanding.  My spouse and dear friend, both logical people, keep suggesting I need to keep an open mind, I am not ready to see you, this is hard for me...with no ability to relate to the massive turmoil I feel inside.   I am very empathetic to and regretful for what I am putting them through and that this is hard to understand if you can't feel it.  But, wholly crap is it frustrating and hurtful when the people closest to you can't empathize and try to tell you how to feel.   

Am I alone ?

Karen

People need time to digest and accept your change. It can take far longer time than you expect.

barbie~~

Quote from: Karen on April 21, 2018, 01:13:47 PM

Have any of you felt huge stress toward cis friends and spouses?  I feel supported, but I don't feel empathy or understanding. 

Am I alone ?

Karen I think you already know the answer to that!

Give them time everybody has processing to do!

I live in the "conservative South" (my town = google "NewnanNaziMarch" after adding spaces!) and while wife's lawyer put me thru sheer 'ell during our 2010 divorce hearing I've since found confidence and solace by using their own "unaccepting" bible against them!

. . . be not afraid of them, nor be afraid of their words, though briers and thorns are with you and you sit on scorpions.2 Be not afraid of their words, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house. (not you! Ezekiel 2:6)

I've since got custody of both our kids (same judge), wife and I are together in same house again and point is once you've had your "harrowing experience" you'd be amazed how tolerant & accepting people can be once you overcome your own doubt & fears!!

Shame can also be a healthy thing use it to your advantage and, while pushing ahead ever slowly, "be all you can be"!

Thank you!

What a day.   Here's my therapist update, after 5 hours of interviewing and assessment. 

- severe case of gender Dysphoria
- at the 97 th percentile of anxiety level

Recommended

- joint meeting with my wife, which I agree
- more talk therapy and or
- testosterone blocker and
- anti depressant

And see how it goes. 

Don't know what to feel...validated, wanting to be me more than ever, are really scared. 

Any and all advice and love welcome.

Thank you all

Karen

Quote from: Karen on April 21, 2018, 01:13:47 PM
Hi everyone.   I am in a low spot today.   I have my therapist appointment, after 5 hours of assessment, and am worried about the outcome.  I am so exhausted from this Dysphoria, and related life stresses.   

Have any of you felt huge stress toward cis friends and spouses?  I feel supported, but I don't feel empathy or understanding.  My spouse and dear friend, both logical people, keep suggesting I need to keep an open mind, I am not ready to see you, this is hard for me...with no ability to relate to the massive turmoil I feel inside.   I am very empathetic to and regretful for what I am putting them through and that this is hard to understand if you can't feel it.  But, wholly crap is it frustrating and hurtful when the people closest to you can't empathize and try to tell you how to feel.   

Am I alone ?

Karen

Hi Karen

You are not alone , my partner is having a hard time accepting the fact I'm going to start taking hrt and keeps trying to persuade me to try other options. Deep down I know that I need to start therapy but I also feel really bad for putting her through all this and it makes me extremely sad and also alone. I hope for you me and others in this position that it will get better.

Hugs

Marie x

Quote from: Karen on April 21, 2018, 07:03:37 PM

Recommended
- anti depressant

Skip that last one lol unless spouse is in need?

Your body and how you feel/it responds is best "validation" don't mix it up again with "Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)" 

Quote from: barbie on April 21, 2018, 01:26:00 PM
People need time to digest and accept your change. It can take far longer time than you expect.

barbie~~

Thank you.   I am and will work hard on giving love and gratitude.   I feel good about me and will take the time to do it right.

Thanks!

Quote from: cdtv4life on April 20, 2018, 08:24:54 PM
I cannot ever transition, and will never understand this "happy" delusion thing.
I am content and accepting that at 6'8" 250ish lbs I will never look like a female in any way shape or form.
I started taking Hormones over 14 years ago, 54 now, there has never been much change other than lessened hair growth and small breast growth.
I live my life as a giant intimidating man, however if I were less than 6 feet tall with smaller than size 16 feet I would transition in a heartbeat, world, family, friends be damned.
That is not an option though, so I just do the daily stuff I do, wear what I want beneath my male garb and at home and accept my incontrovertible lot in life with a grin and what I estimate to be a reasonably content outlook.
My wife, and some friends know and it's not been an issue...former wife blabbed to anyone who would listen and most thought she was full of crap, others who asked me got no denials, I have never been one to care much for the opinions of others.
My advice is you do what it takes to achieve a consistent level of contentment for you, most of the people at my local support group cannot imagine settling into a life like mine, I suspect neither would most here.
Regardless, be the you, you want to be, and don't let others dissuade you based on their petty wants and sensibilities.
absolute best hopes for you sustained mental stability in this quest.

There's a model that's 6'8 and trans. Can't remember her name. I'm 6'5 and thin for me would be 225. I think it matters to us, how we choose to live. I've seen cis women that don't look as good as I do and it doesn't stop them. It's a choice for us to express, but eventually, we shouldn't care what others think.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Quote from: Kiera on April 22, 2018, 08:15:07 AM
Skip that last one lol unless spouse is in need?

Your body and how you feel/it responds is best "validation" don't mix it up again with "Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)" 

Thanks Kiera. 

Interesting. I have had both arguments presented from different therapists.   One, don't use antidepressants and remain connected to your in dear self...and let it guide you.   And the second, use the antidepressants to help manage all the social / family related anxiety so I have a calmer mind, and start T blockers for the Dysphoria    And see if together they take enough of the edge off and avoid or delay social and physical transition.    My sense is I need to do the second given the level of anxiety I have been feeling and all of my family and work complexities.   Even if it buys me time to get closer to retirement. 

That said, I want to remain in touch with my female self...after 50 years of pushing her down. 

Always open to shared experiences and advice.   

Hey Karen,

Fear when starting the journey is normal.  I think that the hardest part of transitioning is self acceptance first, then acceptance from family and friends.  As for not transitioning, I think there are quite a few of people that continue to remain on HRT for a long period of time without choosing to go through a social transition.

I'm in my 30's, started HRT 3 years ago, had ffs, no facial hair, 5'7, 138 lbs, etc., and still live as a guy even if I can pass.  Mainly because HRT was enough for me to dissipate most of my dysphoria.  I think some may have stronger inclinations but I think it's very possible to live going further until you're comfortable.

Quote from: justarandomname2 on April 22, 2018, 10:35:37 PM
Hey Karen,

Fear when starting the journey is normal.  I think that the hardest part of transitioning is self acceptance first, then acceptance from family and friends.  As for not transitioning, I think there are quite a few of people that continue to remain on HRT for a long period of time without choosing to go through a social transition.

I'm in my 30's, started HRT 3 years ago, had ffs, no facial hair, 5'7, 138 lbs, etc., and still live as a guy even if I can pass.  Mainly because HRT was enough for me to dissipate most of my dysphoria.  I think some may have stronger inclinations but I think it's very possible to live going further until you're comfortable.

Thanks!    The acceptance is big, self, wife and friends I have told so far.   I know I just want to be me, and I don't want to hurt others...and I just want to be loved as me.   The idea that others have to transition too is so real, and transgender and gender Dysphoria are such foreign concepts for people.   It some times results in comments that try to affirm my birth sex or things that hurt.

It's quite a journey.    Thank you.  Karen

Quote from: Karen on April 23, 2018, 05:03:19 AM
> I know I just want to be me, and I don't want to hurt others...and I just want to be loved as me.

If you want to be you, aim for the future you visualize.  Minimizing others' pain is admirable but you also need to take care of yourself.  Our time is limited.