Quote from: Allison S on April 21, 2018, 05:33:52 PM
I agree with everyone here.
It's weird seeing my masculine facial features (besides stubborn facial hair..) dissipate before my eyes... And what will I be left with? Will feminine features even work on me? Not to brag but I was handsome (according to others).

I'm having to readjust now to see myself as attractive again. But this time I hope I'll finally see it for myself for once.

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All.
Of.
This.

All of it is exactly me. We are definitely going through the same.


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Quote from: Alanna1990 on April 21, 2018, 06:03:41 PM
ohhh dear, but you're gorgeous... look, bless your heart for worrying about your boyfriend, but seriously, I'm actually kinda jealous of how you look, maybe and just maybe this is an issue of knocking at the wrong door?

you know, He made quite clear He's attracted to masculine guys, and you being a pretty lady is a problem for him, but please don't make it a problem for you, if at the end he doesn't want to be with you because you're not this masculine hot man then I assure you you'll find somebody who loves you the way you are.

Pd: seriously, don't feel depressed, you have what it takes to be with whoever you want.

I'm starting to think I'm gonna have to change my profile pic lol. The picture is edited and I was wearing a wig. I don't look like that yet, if I did I would probably get more attention and wouldn't be as insecure.

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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 21, 2018, 07:36:31 PM
I'm starting to think I'm gonna have to change my profile pic lol. The picture is edited and I was wearing a wig. I don't look like that yet, if I did I would probably get more attention and wouldn't be as insecure.

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Charlie Nicki,
It isn't your hair that is gorgeous, it's your face and those mesmerizing beautiful captivating eyes, and your lips are to die for. You could shave your head bald and your face is still absolutely gorgeous.

Skylar

I am not sure about being attractive, I think I was okay before. I did not date really for almost 3 decades so I may not be the best person to give advice. I can only give my own experiences.

😊 I always thought that I would be promiscuous after transition, it never happened. Not from lack of interest from men though. Seems that I lack something required to be a hussy, who knew. I do get a lot of attention from men however. I don't know why they would be interested in me but they are. I don't know, maybe straight men are less discerning than gay men.

I can't give reassurances about your bf, sorry, I can say say that to be afraid of NOT being attractive as early as you are in the process is silly. You are borrowing trouble. BUT! I understand, I do. I am not a gambler at all, why give up what you have in the hopes of getting something more? Sweetie, it's not giving up anything, it is just giving up the known for the unknown. Transition is a leap of, not faith, but hope.

I think it is Mark 8 um... 36? What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul? I don't know, it's been a while and then some. It's about being happy, what will make you happy babes? Head in that direction and all will be well.

Really, I would not worry about men though. I may never be hot but men don't seem to care one bit. Not even being trans is a deterrent to them from what I have experienced. So head up, shoulders back and go get em honey. 🙂

Charlie, that's a huge topic and I confess I'm really glad you made this post, if sad you're having a rough time.

I first considered transition 20 years ago when I was 40 and not wanting to settle for being at best "handsome" as a female was a primary reason I didn't proceed then. While I'm not given to regrets about life and i accomplished a lot in those years, I can't avoid realizing that all that time only living halfway may have not been optimal :-/. Still, I chose to live knowing I was (still am) an attractive guy, just not the traditionally pretty female I wish I could be.

Having now arrived I can truly say I care far less about my appearance (and yet I enjoy taking time on it and cultivating a personal style, things I never did before). Equally I'm far less judgemental about others appearances and best of all, I'm seeing quite a few women now. Oddly enough, a happy person is fundamentally more attractive than one who's unhappy. Go figure ;-).

Specific to your circumstance I have to say when I walk around the queer parts of town, let alone say Provincetown I find the homogeneity of gay male presentation exasperating. How do thousands of guys want to affect essentially the same damned style??! Anyway, your lover likes feminine guys, maybe if surgery isn't your path, you keep the penis, simply enjoy being a chick who's guy enough to make him happy in bed?

Quote from: FinallyMichelle on April 22, 2018, 12:55:15 AM
I am not sure about being attractive, I think I was okay before. I did not date really for almost 3 decades so I may not be the best person to give advice. I can only give my own experiences.

[emoji4] I always thought that I would be promiscuous after transition, it never happened. Not from lack of interest from men though. Seems that I lack something required to be a hussy, who knew. I do get a lot of attention from men however. I don't know why they would be interested in me but they are. I don't know, maybe straight men are less discerning than gay men.

I can't give reassurances about your bf, sorry, I can say say that to be afraid of NOT being attractive as early as you are in the process is silly. You are borrowing trouble. BUT! I understand, I do. I am not a gambler at all, why give up what you have in the hopes of getting something more? Sweetie, it's not giving up anything, it is just giving up the known for the unknown. Transition is a leap of, not faith, but hope.

I think it is Mark 8 um... 36? What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul? I don't know, it's been a while and then some. It's about being happy, what will make you happy babes? Head in that direction and all will be well.

Really, I would not worry about men though. I may never be hot but men don't seem to care one bit. Not even being trans is a deterrent to them from what I have experienced. So head up, shoulders back and go get em honey. [emoji846]

I thought I would be promiscious too!! So funny lol I mean I don't get too many guys actually approaching me. I'll admit it's nice when a good looking guy looks lol
I didn't like dating as a gay male at all so you didn't miss out on anything there

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Quote from: Lady Skylar on April 21, 2018, 08:33:29 PM
Charlie Nicki,
It isn't your hair that is gorgeous, it's your face and those mesmerizing beautiful captivating eyes, and your lips are to die for. You could shave your head bald and your face is still absolutely gorgeous.

Skylar

Thank you Skylar.

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Quote from: FinallyMichelle on April 22, 2018, 12:55:15 AM
I am not sure about being attractive, I think I was okay before. I did not date really for almost 3 decades so I may not be the best person to give advice. I can only give my own experiences.

[emoji4] I always thought that I would be promiscuous after transition, it never happened. Not from lack of interest from men though. Seems that I lack something required to be a hussy, who knew. I do get a lot of attention from men however. I don't know why they would be interested in me but they are. I don't know, maybe straight men are less discerning than gay men.

I can't give reassurances about your bf, sorry, I can say say that to be afraid of NOT being attractive as early as you are in the process is silly. You are borrowing trouble. BUT! I understand, I do. I am not a gambler at all, why give up what you have in the hopes of getting something more? Sweetie, it's not giving up anything, it is just giving up the known for the unknown. Transition is a leap of, not faith, but hope.

I think it is Mark 8 um... 36? What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul? I don't know, it's been a while and then some. It's about being happy, what will make you happy babes? Head in that direction and all will be well.

Really, I would not worry about men though. I may never be hot but men don't seem to care one bit. Not even being trans is a deterrent to them from what I have experienced. So head up, shoulders back and go get em honey. [emoji846]

Michelle I really appreciate your post, especially this: "What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?" This is something I need to repeat myself and reassure myself that I'm on the right path; I got to this point for a reason and it is true that having everything in the world didn't please me because I wasn't happy with myself. Felt empty.

When it comes to dating, I've read and heard so many sad stories about trans women being perceived as sex objects and nothing more, that it scares me. I just want to have a normal life and a loving partner.

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I also thought I would have a promiscuous phase but honestly I just don't think that's in me lol. It wasn't before when my T was higher as well as my libido, so it sure isn't now.

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Quote from: SadieBlake on April 22, 2018, 09:39:53 AM
Specific to your circumstance I have to say when I walk around the queer parts of town, let alone say Provincetown I find the homogeneity of gay male presentation exasperating. How do thousands of guys want to affect essentially the same damned style??! Anyway, your lover likes feminine guys, maybe if surgery isn't your path, you keep the penis, simply enjoy being a chick who's guy enough to make him happy in bed?

Now that you mention it, before I started transition and I still had a beard and muscles, it would bother me how most gay men looked or strived to achieve the same look. I remember certain occasions when I didn't feel special, like I was just another bearded guy with a cute face or when I felt so weird cuz me and my boyfriend looked so much alike that I thought he essentially felt attracted to himself? It was...strange. In that sense straight couples made more sense to me cuz each person had many things that other didn't have.

And yes I'm hoping this relationship can work somehow. I never really had genital dysphoria so I'm not rushing or needing to get SRS, I did get an orchi but it all looks the same.



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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 20, 2018, 08:21:48 AM
Even if I am pretty, who would be with me? I'm turning 30 so I'm not getting any younger, I can't have children, and anyone who wants to be with me has to bare the burden of being the partner of a transgender person.

Hello Charlie Nicki,

This is me every day. I am a 60 year-old transsexual. I have spent $48,000 on plastic surgery and I'm not getting any younger. I have a failed marriage and two young sons who now have a father who looks like a girl. What have I done?

What I have done is to give myself completely to the roles and responsibilities expected of me every day until I could not take it anymore, until I was self-destructive and no good to anyone. 

What I have done is to have finally found the courage to live an authentic life, with malice toward no one.  If I am judged for my choices, so be it. In the end we are only accountable for ourselves.

I have seen enough of your posts to know at least some of who you are.  You have nothing to apologize for.

Our "children" do not come only from our loins. They are the recipients of our love, our support, and our courage. They may be adopted, they may be from someone's previous relationship, or they may be simply someone you care deeply about and choose to invest yourself in. 

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 20, 2018, 08:21:48 AM
Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better to just cope with being an empty shell of a man.

Anyways how do you cope with this?

There is no comparison. As an empty shell of a man, I was waiting to die. Actually, I was doing what I could to hasten my death. I still struggle, but it is a struggle to live.

You have been given the gift of life, the advantage of a conscious mind, and the opportunity to do something about it. I cope through the knowledge that I no longer seek defeat. I seek ascendency.

With kindness,

Terri

Charlie Nickie, be happy with who you are, and see where your relationship takes you.  My wife and I have been married almost 18 years, and yes, my transition has put quite a strain on our relationship, but we still love each other and we are still together.

My wife says she is not a lesbian, but...she has some butch tendencies.  She never, ever wears skirts, and likes to be the boss of things.  Yes, our sex life isn't the same, but within the workings of our relationship, things are better with her calling the shots and me being the girl.

If you and your bf truly love each other, there is hope.  Love is love, and you love who you love.

Quote from: Maybebaby56 on April 22, 2018, 01:43:30 PM
Hello Charlie Nicki,

This is me every day. I am a 60 year-old transsexual. I have spent $48,000 on plastic surgery and I'm not getting any younger. I have a failed marriage and two young sons who now have a father who look like a girl. What have I done?

What I have done is to give myself completely to the roles and responsibilities expected of me every day until I could not take it anymore, until I was self-destructive and no good to anyone. 

What I have done is to have finally found the courage to live an authentic life, with malice toward no one.  If I am judged for my choices, so be it. In the end we are only accountable for ourselves.

I have seen enough of your posts to know at least some of who you are.  You have nothing to apologize for.

Our "children" do not come only from our loins. They are the recipients of our love, our support, and our courage. They may be adopted, they may be from someone's previous relationship, or they may be simply someone you care deeply about and choose to invest yourself in. 

There is no comparison. As an empty shell of a man, I was waiting to die. Actually, I was doing what I could to hasten my death. I still struggle, but it is a struggle to live.

You  have been given the gift of life, the advantage of a conscious mind, and the opportunity to do something about it. I cope through the knowledge that I no longer seek defeat. I seek ascendency.

With kindness,

Terri

Thank you for your kind words Terri [emoji813]️, I've seen your posts before and they're always filled with positivity. We definitely need a lot of that! Sending you hugs.

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Quote from: CarlyMcx on April 22, 2018, 06:41:05 PM
Charlie Nickie, be happy with who you are, and see where your relationship takes you.  My wife and I have been married almost 18 years, and yes, my transition has put quite a strain on our relationship, but we still love each other and we are still together.

My wife says she is not a lesbian, but...she has some butch tendencies.  She never, ever wears skirts, and likes to be the boss of things.  Yes, our sex life isn't the same, but within the workings of our relationship, things are better with her calling the shots and me being the girl.

If you and your bf truly love each other, there is hope.  Love is love, and you love who you love.

True, hope is all I have right now. I think fixing my relationship and get it to a point where we both feel comfortable with it and all that's happening will take some time but I'm willing to be patient and I'm willing to put in the work. I'll keep you guys posted.

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Quote from: Maybebaby56 on April 22, 2018, 01:43:30 PM
Hello Charlie Nicki,

This is me every day. I am a 60 year-old transsexual. I have spent $48,000 on plastic surgery and I'm not getting any younger. I have a failed marriage and two young sons who now have a father who looks like a girl. What have I done?

What I have done is to give myself completely to the roles and responsibilities expected of me every day until I could not take it anymore, until I was self-destructive and no good to anyone. 

What I have done is to have finally found the courage to live an authentic life, with malice toward no one.  If I am judged for my choices, so be it. In the end we are only accountable for ourselves.

I have seen enough of your posts to know at least some of who you are.  You have nothing to apologize for.

Our "children" do not come only from our loins. They are the recipients of our love, our support, and our courage. They may be adopted, they may be from someone's previous relationship, or they may be simply someone you care deeply about and choose to invest yourself in. 

There is no comparison. As an empty shell of a man, I was waiting to die. Actually, I was doing what I could to hasten my death. I still struggle, but it is a struggle to live.

You have been given the gift of life, the advantage of a conscious mind, and the opportunity to do something about it. I cope through the knowledge that I no longer seek defeat. I seek ascendency.

With kindness,

Terri

Charlie Nicki,

Hang in there and thank you for sharing your journey.   We all learn together.

Terri,

You are so insightful and powerful in your perspective.   I thought I could relate to the darkness, but had no idea, until the last couple weeks and my recent diagnosis.

Thanks for helping all of us.

Karen

Apologies for the somewhat late reply to this thread. But... that feeling is one I have for 99% of my life. For reasons different to your own. Feelings I struggle with on a weekly, if not daily basis. The emboldened words in the last sentence of your post are significant.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 20, 2018, 08:21:48 AM
Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better to just cope with being an empty shell of a man.

That's what it all boils down to. That's what you ask yourself over and over and over. If you could go back in time, and inhabit that shell once more. Could you cope with it? Would it make you happy? Could you deal with living a lie. Of people seeing pretty eyes with nothing behind them?

Being around people who can't see me. Can't see what I look like... helped me understand. When that isn't a factor and all you're left with is what's in your soul. The you who you actually want the world to see... the you who you actually want to be... it makes you realise who you are. What you are. Makes you realise what you have to offer to the world and what is really attractive about a person. When someone sees you for you. For your heart. You understand. You are good enough. You're good enough for anything and anyone.

Looks fade, no matter who you are. Man, woman, and anywhere in between. But what's inside doesn't. It burns bright long after the "shell" has lost its lustre. Finding what's inside is more important than anything. And being true to that. Being true to yourself, and being in a position to express yourself. That matters. The love you give is more important than the lust you receive. That's what I learned. And that's how I cope. By holding on to what's within that shell. Within any shell. The true beauty of a person. The beauty you have inside you, no matter what you look like.

Hold on to that. The reason you're doing all this. To be you.

Well I told you I would update you on the situation so here it is: He just told me he doesn't want to do this. He wants a man. Period.

I cried my eyes out. It's over. I wish I could say it's also over in my heart but sadly my feelings for him are still there. And I want them dead.

I wish God or whoever made me this way would give me a light or a guidance right now... I'm back to square one.

Love sucks. Transitioning sucks. Days like this I wish it was all over. I wish I had the strength to end it but I can't do that to my mom.

Anyways that's all. End of this story.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 25, 2018, 10:27:28 PM
Well I told you I would update you on the situation so here it is: He just told me he doesn't want to do this. He wants a man. Period.

I cried my eyes out. It's over. I wish I could say it's also over in my heart but sadly my feelings for him are still there. And I want them dead.

I wish God or whoever made me this way would give me a light or a guidance right now... I'm back to square one.

Love sucks. Transitioning sucks. Days like this I wish it was all over. I wish I had the strength to end it but I can't do that to my mom.

Anyways that's all. End of this story.

I'm in tears for you right now Dani.  I know how much you wanted this to work out.
Your not back to square one, you took a step back to try something.
Please don't despair, love is out there..and you are strong enough!

Hugs, Jess

I wish that I wasn't so tired tonight or I would pester you till you felt better, or give you a shoulder to cry on if that would be better.  Big hug for you.

It's just a story babes. One of many that will make up your life. It's always so hard to see that when we are in the middle of the storm. The stories can change rapidly though so who knows what tomorrow will bring. This story is not your life. Your life is a vast, huge, ponderous thing and you will go over your stories in your mind many, many times before it's done. My guess is that 30 years from now it will be one of the smallest in your book. The stories seem like your whole life when you are in them, but become far less important when you are in the next one.

There WILL be a next one you know. Life just works that way. It doesn't stay in that moment, it moves on no matter how you feel about it. The sun will come up tomorrow and that day, or the next, or the one after that will be the happiest of your life. It will happen, life drags us along whether we feel happy or sad or whatever, life drags us along to the next story. It's kind of insensitive that way.

I wish I could be more help.
Hugs

I'm so sorry Charlie Nicki, I wish I knew what to say and even if I did, it wouldn't change the way you're feeling right now.  I understand the pain you are going through, I and many others have gone through it too.  The journey to transitioning is painful and sometimes, we just need someone to talk to or cry to.  Do you have anyone to talk to? If you want, you can always message me if you want to chat.