The problem I've been having is the same one I've been having for forever now. I'm incredibly jealous of all cis women for just getting to wake up every day as a girl and just everything about them, their bodies, how society treats them, ect ect. But even though I've finally gotten on HRT within the last couple months, I can't shake the thoughts that I should just give up and stop already because none of it will be real... What i mean by that is i don't feel like I'll ever be a "girl"... even after all the surgeries and the hormones and even if I can pass I still feel like I won't feel real and I don't really know if it's all worth it. Should I just give up now before I drop a bunch of money into this and resign myself to a life of depression? I don't know what to do... I thought once I got on hormones and started this process I'd get some relief but its just gotten worse. I still cry myself to sleep almost every night calling myself a "freak" because I'll never actually be a girl and I can't even hang out with my girlfriend anymore without getting depressed because of how jealous she makes me just being her! It's not even something she can help which makes me feel so awful. I don't know what to do and I'm just desperate for help at this point, I want this to work so badly but I can shake the feeling that these feelings will never subside and maybe I'd be better off just giving up and killing myself now. I mean life is pointless anyway isn't it?... I'm so done... any help would be appreciated...

Many of us have been there. We know exactly how you feel.

For myself, I was in denial for over 50 years. I tried to man up, but it never worked. Transition was on my mind every day, wondering what it would be like. Yes, we all know that we will never be 100% female, especially in the reproductive area, but we can live the rest of our lives as a very close similarity to what being female is all about. Keep in mind, also, that not all women are fertile and able to bear children, but they are women none the less.

We are not freaks, just a little different from the usual male/female genders. The single most important thing I did was to accept myself as I was and only change the things I needed to change in order to be as close to my true self as possible.

What you are feeling is doubt and uncertainty. These need to be discussed with your therapist and don't forget the support groups, either. Just talking about these issues seems to help many of us deal with our situation.

Oh,

One more thing, welcome to Susan's Place. Let's talk a while about whatever is on your mind.

See you later.

Quote from: HD106906b on April 22, 2018, 08:43:33 PM
The problem I've been having is the same one I've been having for forever now. I'm incredibly jealous of all cis women for just getting to wake up every day as a girl and just everything about them, their bodies, how society treats them, ect ect. But even though I've finally gotten on HRT within the last couple months, I can't shake the thoughts that I should just give up and stop already because none of it will be real... What i mean by that is i don't feel like I'll ever be a "girl"... even after all the surgeries and the hormones and even if I can pass I still feel like I won't feel real and I don't really know if it's all worth it. Should I just give up now before I drop a bunch of money into this and resign myself to a life of depression? I don't know what to do... I thought once I got on hormones and started this process I'd get some relief but its just gotten worse. I still cry myself to sleep almost every night calling myself a "freak" because I'll never actually be a girl and I can't even hang out with my girlfriend anymore without getting depressed because of how jealous she makes me just being her! It's not even something she can help which makes me feel so awful. I don't know what to do and I'm just desperate for help at this point, I want this to work so badly but I can shake the feeling that these feelings will never subside and maybe I'd be better off just giving up and killing myself now. I mean life is pointless anyway isn't it?... I'm so done... any help would be appreciated...

Hello HD106906b,  Thank you for joining Susan's Place...  I see that you are new here and may have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting. 

WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about others transitions and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey. 
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.  Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

****IMPORTANT: So that many of the members will know that you are a new member here, and therefore you will receive more give and take ... and sharing experiences, please stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members here about yourself!


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Quote from: HD106906b on April 22, 2018, 08:43:33 PM
The problem I've been having is the same one I've been having for forever now. I'm incredibly jealous of all cis women for just getting to wake up every day as a girl and just everything about them, their bodies, how society treats them, ect ect. But even though I've finally gotten on HRT within the last couple months, I can't shake the thoughts that I should just give up and stop already because none of it will be real... What i mean by that is i don't feel like I'll ever be a "girl"... even after all the surgeries and the hormones and even if I can pass I still feel like I won't feel real and I don't really know if it's all worth it. Should I just give up now before I drop a bunch of money into this and resign myself to a life of depression? I don't know what to do... I thought once I got on hormones and started this process I'd get some relief but its just gotten worse. I still cry myself to sleep almost every night calling myself a "freak" because I'll never actually be a girl and I can't even hang out with my girlfriend anymore without getting depressed because of how jealous she makes me just being her! It's not even something she can help which makes me feel so awful. I don't know what to do and I'm just desperate for help at this point, I want this to work so badly but I can shake the feeling that these feelings will never subside and maybe I'd be better off just giving up and killing myself now. I mean life is pointless anyway isn't it?... I'm so done... any help would be appreciated...

Well how real is real?  Does having a vagina, uterus, and ovaries make you a 'real woman'?  Many women have had hysterectomies.  They are still 'real'.  Does having XX chromosomes make you real?  Many women have XY.. androgen insensitivity, swyers syndrome, variants of intersexed... or trans of course.  They're still real.   

Reality is what you ultimately choose to make it into.  We all make choices.. ALL humans.. to improve our outlook on life & appearances. Folks brush their hair, put on makeup, shop for good clothes, clean their clothes, all in an effort to make life better.. more 'real'. 

Does plastic surgery to fix birth defects like huge ears, big noses, etc.. make someone less 'real', and more fake?  Who am I to judge that choice?? I would argue making those choices improves your financial choices, your job prospects, and ability to obtain a mate.   We live in a very appearance based society.. again, who am I to judge?

Choose your own life path.   Reality is what you choose it to be.  This is my belief, and the principles by which I live my life.   Not to mention.. you never know the hidden 'truths' deep inside your own body sometimes.   

I'll give it to you straight.  It's a kind of a good news bad news scenario.
Number one. The bad news. You will NEVER be a cisgender woman.  That's just science and going into this with unrealistic expectations is the worst.
Number two. The good news.  Treatments are available for easing your gender dysphoria.  Counseling. HRT. Surgeries.  You absolutely CAN reach a place of peace within yourself, but it requires that you undertake a long and difficult journey.  It is an inward journey and at the end you will find a true acceptance of who you REALLY are.

I think you also might want to read some women's and gender studies.  Women's lives are not all lovely since they are CIS.  They deal with sexism on a daily basis, less pay for doing the same work, diminished access to power, they bear and are primary care givers for children and the elderly.  Lesbians are still targets.  There is always the threat of rape.  While  I certainly understand where you are coming from,  trans women have to keep in mind that CIS women often don't have it that great either.

HD1069

I can understand and relate with your feelings. I am 3.5 into transitioning and blessed with a good starting base structure due to being Asian. I come from a affluent family that is also supportive and willing to finance whatever it takes for me to be at peace with myself. So far I have invested around 150k  into surgeries for feminizing forehead, chin, nose, ear, breast, hips, butt and lower ribs(rib removal). Due to which I am able to attain a body stats of 36-22-38 at 5"8. I studied fashion so I make my own clothes that are flattering on my body shape while softening my moderately broad shoulders(15 inches). I am been called beautiful numerous times by both men and woman. One time a man at Safeway said he had never seen a woman as beautiful as me in his life.

So am I happy? Do I consider myself beautiful? No. No. Infact I am miserable. Not as miserable as before transitioning but still miserable. Why? Because I have realized that it's almost impossible for girls like us to acheive the natural feminity and beauty that cis woman have. No matter how good our base bone structure is and regardless of how many surgeries we get, there will always be something that look off. Most people will not detect it but still a lot(people like my own self) will due to which I will be never feel carefree or completely at ease with myself. And I am someone that passes really really well. I am someone that is very detail oriented and also very realistic and after seeing hundreds and hundreds of transwoman(some really beautiful ones too), I have realized it's impossible to truly and fully feminize  trans woman's skull , shoulders, neck, leg, knee, feet...etc..etc). Surgeries will create a illusion of feminity but not the type cis woman have. There will always be something off. Most cis woman(99.99 %) have a very distinctly female face which is unattainable for us. Even if we attain a very female body the face is very vey difficult one and complex. With flat, wet hair, the raw face will always show signs of the past.

Unfortunately, when life gives us lemons we can only make lemonade but never a milkshake. Given my realistic nature and ability to clearly see all the nuances between very feminine transwoman  and cis woman body structure  and a strong desire to be very passable and in complete stealth, I would have been more miserable after transitioning if I didn't have the  support of my family, unlimited budget to pursue various feminizing procedures and people very frequently complimenting me on my physical appearance. Without these, my utterly realistic and self critical mind would have made my life a living hell. Pls know this is my personal experience and perspective that I have realized in the last 3.5 yrs and the reason I am sharing is because I sense some resemblance with you. I have friends that are completely different than me. They are less passable, more naive but very happy most times after transitioning. It's much easier for them to be at peace with themself than for me to be with myself.

So for trans girls like myself, I advice to be very careful and really think it through before starting transitioning. As for me, I am still hopeful but it's going to take another 150k worth of surgeries before I find peace with myself. these surgeries are very difficult at times on the mind and body, but because I feel so so female inside that I am able to gather the strength to go through them.

Thank you all so much for replying, it really really helped. I was so close to throwing in the towel but I thought making an account on here and actually getting in touch with other trans people could help and it honestly did. I'm by no means fixed but it's so nice to see everything from support to people who share my own worries and issues... it just makes me feel much less alone so thank you.

This site is here so you don't have to feel alone. Every one of us has been where you are now. Until I found Susan's Place and created an account I was swinging in the wind, using a few people on YouTube for inspiration, but having no real interaction with anyone.

I found a few people and started following their personal threads. Some were very far along in their transitions and I binge-read them, seeing myself in their early entries, and watching in wonder as they'd grown. Others were in the same position I was, and we created bonds and supported each other as we stumbled through. And now I find myself far enough along that I can offer help to those who are where I was just nine months ago.

I recommend picking out a few people like @Rachel, @Michelle_P, @Laurie, @Kendra, or any others who have started personal threads, and read their stories. These are people I have grown to admire and who have helped me immensely. I guarantee you'll see yourself in their early entries, and they are living the dream now.

Don't give up. You're among friends who really "get it." Welcome to your future.

Stephanie

Hi

you're not alone and everyone here is on a journey just like you. I'm just starting out and its tough but no-where near as tough as it was when I was in the same place that you're in at the minute. When you're in the worst place then things can only get better so long as you keep going - so come along along for the ride girly

I would imagine most people on here have felt the same at some point, especially during the early stages of their transitions. I find the posts, stories and before and after photos of others very inspirational, particularly from those also transitioning later in life. As for cis women, I disagree with one of the replies here saying 99.99% have distinctly female faces. Perhaps I live in the wrong part of the world, but I see many women with what could be considered masculine traits. And how many cis women (and men) are truly happy with their looks? So why should it be any different for trans women? I'd also say it isn't a good idea to compare yourself with others as we're all different. I've been taking hormones for 7 weeks today, so I'm also very much at the start of my journey. I feel that although I may never be "truly female", I'm where I am today because I've certainly never in my life felt truly male!

This is something that we all need to come to terms with in some way or another, and it's not easy. At all.

Sooner or later you need to accept that when transitioning as a transwoman, you're living as a feminized man. That's the extend of what can be done right now and unfortunately there's no amount of surgery or hormones that can fix that. The best thing to do is to accept this fact and live as closely to the preferred gender as you wish. Sure, you can't live 110% as a cis-woman, but you can still get damn close. Just don't nitpick yourself to death over little details and present yourself as a confident woman, and that is how people will perceive you.

Its really just a state of mind.  I think therefore I am.  The hormones won't make you another person, but they will eventually give you the physical traits.  It is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel early on.  Doubt and past experience are the biggest killers.  You obviously believe that you were meant to be a woman or you wouldn't have started this journey.  You just have to trust in yourself, and what you already knew to be the truth.

I have a feeling that personal body dysphoria and the misgendering for so many years is what makes you feel less of a woman.  Hormones will help provide the external cues to give the appearance of femininity.  It helps a lot to have positive feedback in your reflection.  Eventually, when you're seen as a woman all the time, you'll find it easier to just be yourself.  Afterall, you are a woman...  So everything that you are as a person, has always been female.  The constant bombardment of the male gendering to everything you've done in the past can skew your own view of what is and isn't what a "real" woman feels or thinks.  The longer you spend "behind the curtain", the more you'll come to realize just how much you really do fit in as a woman, and how very different you were from the men.

From personal experience after 6 months away from my past male life, I began to live easy as my female self. The rest just faded away. It wasn't until recently that I spend any real time with my family, that do not choose to acknowledge that anything has changed, that I started getting those old questioning/depressive/dysphoric feelings that you have voiced. It gets too much for me at times and I have to get away to see the people who only see me as a woman, and that's when I feel better. My personality shifts, I become more natural and less guarded. That brought me to this epiphany... once you stop seeing male gender being reflected in the eyes of others, that you'll truly see yourself.

Quote from: humblegirl on April 23, 2018, 08:10:40 PM
HD1069

I can understand and relate with your feelings. I am 3.5 into transitioning and blessed with a good starting base structure due to being Asian. I come from a affluent family that is also supportive and willing to finance whatever it takes for me to be at peace with myself. So far I have invested around 150k  into surgeries for feminizing forehead, chin, nose, ear, breast, hips, butt and lower ribs(rib removal). Due to which I am able to attain a body stats of 36-22-38 at 5"8. I studied fashion so I make my own clothes that are flattering on my body shape while softening my moderately broad shoulders(15 inches). I am been called beautiful numerous times by both men and woman. One time a man at Safeway said he had never seen a woman as beautiful as me in his life.

So am I happy? Do I consider myself beautiful? No. No. Infact I am miserable. Not as miserable as before transitioning but still miserable. Why? Because I have realized that it's almost impossible for girls like us to acheive the natural feminity and beauty that cis woman have. No matter how good our base bone structure is and regardless of how many surgeries we get, there will always be something that look off. Most people will not detect it but still a lot(people like my own self) will due to which I will be never feel carefree or completely at ease with myself. And I am someone that passes really really well. I am someone that is very detail oriented and also very realistic and after seeing hundreds and hundreds of transwoman(some really beautiful ones too), I have realized it's impossible to truly and fully feminize  trans woman's skull , shoulders, neck, leg, knee, feet...etc..etc). Surgeries will create a illusion of feminity but not the type cis woman have. There will always be something off. Most cis woman(99.99 %) have a very distinctly female face which is unattainable for us. Even if we attain a very female body the face is very vey difficult one and complex. With flat, wet hair, the raw face will always show signs of the past.

Unfortunately, when life gives us lemons we can only make lemonade but never a milkshake. Given my realistic nature and ability to clearly see all the nuances between very feminine transwoman  and cis woman body structure  and a strong desire to be very passable and in complete stealth, I would have been more miserable after transitioning if I didn't have the  support of my family, unlimited budget to pursue various feminizing procedures and people very frequently complimenting me on my physical appearance. Without these, my utterly realistic and self critical mind would have made my life a living hell. Pls know this is my personal experience and perspective that I have realized in the last 3.5 yrs and the reason I am sharing is because I sense some resemblance with you. I have friends that are completely different than me. They are less passable, more naive but very happy most times after transitioning. It's much easier for them to be at peace with themself than for me to be with myself.

So for trans girls like myself, I advice to be very careful and really think it through before starting transitioning. As for me, I am still hopeful but it's going to take another 150k worth of surgeries before I find peace with myself. these surgeries are very difficult at times on the mind and body, but because I feel so so female inside that I am able to gather the strength to go through them.

This is interesting.. It's my fear to have surgeries and never be satisfied. I think that's very scary... Did you have your surgeries early on? Just wondering how far along on hrt you were when you decided to have these surgeries, especially on your face

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Cis women are jealous of other cis women with bigger boobs.
Cis wom...
Let's forget that word for just a little bit. It is ridiculous. Cis means precisely zero for all intents and purposes.
Women are jealous of women all the time for many, many things. Heck, women compare themselves to me. It blows my mind, why!? Frumpy, middle aged trans woman?
My friends talk about other women all the time, not that they dwell on it but they do bring it up.
Look how skinny she is. Look at her hair. On and on and on and on.

We do what we can period. I'll never be a champion and that is all that will do, then don't play the game. Thing is you are in the game, so if you are not the best you are not a player? Bull. You want perfection, want to be perfect? Welcome aboard, we all do.

This is the life we are given. We are doing the only thing we can do. I can promise this, if you don't buy a ticket, you will never win the lottery.

Straight up?  You take what you can get female-wise.  Does it bug me occasionally that I'm 5'9" (I'd love to be petite framed and 5' 2"), will never look like a supermodel, and can't get pregnant?  Sure it does, but things like that need to be taken into account before you even start to transition.  That's just the way it is medical technology-wise.  Maybe 40 or 50 years from now, medical technology will advance to the point where the above mentioned three things are possible for a transsexual to have.  Still, I think even if, that is so, there will more than likely be other things that cause unhappiness transition-wise that have nothing to do with the physical side if things (for instance - "why can't I act like, and interact just like a natal/cis-woman") - as human beings, we have a tendency to suffer from the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.  From a looks standpoint, not all cis-women look great, I've know some who looked pretty nasty.  Comparing yourself to cis-women can spur you on to do better in your endeavors to pass, but past a certain point, it becomes self-defeating, and can only make you miserable (this comedian explains quite well how comparing yourself to others in general, can be a losing proposition [yeah, it's one of the Prager University vids on YouTube, but the guy makes some good points, so please try not to get bent out of shape if your political leanings are leftward - the vid is non-political in nature, it's just about a life related issue]).

 

It may be hard to do, but comparing yourself.....to yourself, is what works best in an emotional sense.

To (I hope) paraphrase what others have said, transitioning will not make life perfect/wonderful 100% of the time.  I still have to pay the bills, I'm still kind of a dweeb at times, and I'm basically a frumpy (albeit quite passable) middle aged woman.  But guess what?  I'm a much happier, better person, than that mega messed up person I was back in the late 90s, who was so suicidal, it was looking like I was never even going to make it to the year 2000.  Transitioning, and my SRS are best things I ever did for myself in my life.