Mall Shopping
I dress up in my new woman's jeans, red top and went window shopping at the mall today.
I had a great time. I started trying on cloths at the first store I went into. Grabbed some size 18 slacks and a dress but they were the wrong size. Wow I have lost some weight.
So when I got to Penny's I tried on a size 16 slacks then a 14 and 14P dress. Found that the 14 and 14p fit best. I really loved the 14P dress. It fit me so well and I look gorgeous if I say so myself  (you didn't see it on me so you can argue the fact.)
I'm 5'8" and can wear a 14 or 14P it's a dream come true. I've always been small and heavy guy. But now I'm just the right size woman. I still have some gut to lose, so I'll keep doing my sit-ups exercises.

The real problem was I just didn't want to go home. I love dressing up and being treated as a real woman. It's was a downer to go home. At home I've been able to wear my jeans a bra and panties, but not a blouse, my makeup or breast enhancers. My wife just doesn't want to see me that way.

The next thing is that she was at a meet today and was scheduled to get out at 3 so she wouldn't be home till 3:30.  So I made sure I got home before 3 that way she wouldn't see me dressed. But she got out early and was already home. I hurried in to the bathroom and removed everything I could. I'm sure she says me but hasn't said anything about it yet. I hope she doesn't ask me to stop going out occasionally because I would just die. Real it is what keeps me sane in this craze world.


So anyway I'm on top of the world, but on the edge of a precipice today.

Jillieann



Posted at: February 25, 2006, 05:09:58 PM

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Yes she saw me an is acting standoffish.

Glad you had a good time

Quote
The real problem was I just didn't want to go home. I love dressing up and being treated as a real woman. It's was a downer to go home. At home I've been able to wear my jeans a bra and panties, but not a blouse, my makeup or breast enhancers. My wife just doesn't want to see me that way.

Give her time, just because she isn't ready -yet- doesn't mean she never will be

and in the meanwhile, if you have time to go out alone, have a good time!

It happened, just what I was afraid of. My wife blew up at me for going out. She told me that I was been aversely influenced by this site and or the enemy of all that is good. And that this was a terrible thing (that I am transgender) and it (Jillieann) needed to remand in the closet at all times; she implied till I got over it. She has called it a midlife crises. My wife reiterated that she was not homosexual and would never be. I said that then maybe our relationship would have to change and that just seemed to make her madder. By the time she was through she had me saying that I wouldn't go out again.  She doesn't accept me for who I really am. Now I have quite wearing anything female around her except my panties, which she doesn't see because I get dressed and leave for work before she even gets up.  I feel like I'm all alone and in prison. And I've even stayed away from Susan's for almost a week.
I get out of work a couple of hours before my wife so tonight I dressed up , did my hair and was just stated enjoying myself as Jillieann when I heard her pull in. Boy I got mad and this is how I felt. (How dare she come home early and limit my time. Go away and leave me alone.)
I know she still loves the male she thinks I am and she seems to really hate the female that I am. This is now harder than it was before I told her that I am transgender. Now I can't go out because I will not lie to her. All I can do is hide in this house when she is not around.
Sorry about all this poor me stuff.
I really am thankful that all of you are here and you accept me for who I am.
Thank You,
Jillieann

Oh Jillieann, I am so sorry that your worst fears were realized.  It really hard when you share something so personal about yourself and the other person just throws it in your face.  I would give her a little time to absorb it (I'm not sure how long ago you told her) and then start going to therapy (or are you already?)  It sounds like you have come to a major crossroads in your life and you really need to carefully decide what path you and your wife are going to take.  A therapist will probably be a great help and see if you can get her to join with you.  I know you said you chose not to transition because of your wife and that you would crossdress as an outlet.  Now she's blocking that and it will most likely build up inside of you until something eventually happens (not quite sure what).  Hopefully something can be done before it gets to that point.

Melissa

Melissa,
Thank you for your encouraging words.
I told my wife that  I was Transgender on February 12th this year.
She has been going to see a therapy for almost a month now; at first it was weekly and now she feels biweekly is enough. I'm sure she (the therapist) is not transgender friendly.
Now my big problem is the limited cross-dressing outlet.
No I have not been going to a therapist but I am thinking about it now.
I didn't think I need one because I had discovered myself and what made me(Jillieann)  satisfied and happy.

Jillieann   

I am sorry Jillieann.

Hello Jillieann.

It definitely seems as though you've come to the point where a decision needs to be made.   As Melissa mentioned I'm not sure if you are in therapy and have been diagnosed with GID, although you you've mentioned that you are.

First off you need to cool down the situation at home so that meaningful discussions can take place to determine where you want to be and how this is going to affect your relationship.  It is obvious that at the present time there doesn't seem to be any common ground between you and your wife, and if you want to stay in the relationship then you will both need to make compromises.  If there is no hope of a compromise then it would seem that you both need to reconsider where you see the relationship going and if need be to end it so that you both can be happy.  It would be very foolish to believe that you can both be happy with the way you are both living at the moment, as there are recriminations from both of you, each accusing the other of causing unhappiness and disrupting the marriage.

You both need to communicate as adults, in a civil manner and you need to be honest with each other, not making promises that you know that you will not be able to keep as breaking them will only make matters worse.  You say you are not in therapy so I would strongly recommend that you seek it as soon as possible as I believe that you would greatly benefit from it.  Self diagnosis of conditions such as GID is not recommended and not supported by medical professionals.

If you read some of the posts in the Significant Others forum it will shed some light on why your wife is reacting the way she is - HERE.  Read what the significant others have posted and you will get a feel for what is going through their minds when confronted with this issue.  "She doesn't accept you for who you really am" because quite simply, in her eyes, you are not the person she married.

You are both going to be faced with some very difficult decisions, decisions that will probably be life changing to you both, so do not go blindly forth.  It takes two to make a marriage and as i said before, if you want to keep it then you will both need to compromise.

Steph

Jilliean,

I think I know how you are felling as I put away my clothes etc last christmas and felt the same way. Hang in there and everything will work out.

Alice

Jilliean, first thing to do in such a situation is determine who is boss and what needs to be done.

There are points where you must draw a line for the sake of safety and times when you must press things a little thin in order to test the strength of the waters.

Docs are telling me it looks like I may be off of hormones forever but SRS is still clear as a bell for me.  I'll put it to you this way.  There was never any sign up now for whatever I want and have any assurance of getting it.  It has always been do what means the most to me and see what will happen.  I still see it as a oneway road regardless of what anyone else has to say about it.  My woman told me that if I started HRT I would have to move out.  I did start HRT and I moved out.  She kept track of me though and we are back together checking out what we have and can expect.

Things like this have to be expected in a transition.  You either mean so much to each other or you don't, and if she would leave me over my gender then what else would she leave me for, especially after 20 years and more together?

If the things you have are worth having, you will keep them, if they are not worth having, they will be lost at any threat.

Terri

I would also recommend seeing a therapist because a therapist can do much more than just a diagnosis.  They can be an outlet for your problems, offer encouragement when you need it and offer suggestions to try to help improve your life.

Melissa

Hi Jillieann,

We are in much the same boat, although my wife is at times somewhat understanding in that she has given me some time alone in the house, and has bought me a few tops and some glasses.  I cherish the time she gives me.  The problem is, one minute I feel like she accepts me, and the next, she sounds much like your wife, totally disgusted by the whole thing.  This morning she became very upset because my armpits were shaven.  I didn't think it was that big of a deal, since they have been that way for the last 5 months, and she never expressed such disgust by it before, but today it seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back.  Just when I think she is okay with at least the crossdressing part, she pulls the rug out and tells me that it is breaking her heart and she finds it repulsive.  She says she married a man not a woman, and that's it, period.  I'm not sure if it is a good idea or not, but are wives may want to talk to each other sometime, because it seems they are on the same page.  Maybe it might be some consolation to find that they are not alone in this.  Maybe not, I don't know.  Let me know what you think.  I sometimes feel like this can of worms I've opened just isn't worth the grief that it's causing around here, and I'm just not sure how much longer we can go on like this.  Good luck Jillieann.  Keep in touch.

Love

Lisabeth 

Hi Jillieann,

It sounds like you are going what I went threw in my 17 yrs of marriage. I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell how it was..and it is for me now.

I told my ex 10 yrs into it and she tried vary hard to be accepting of me being a crossdresser, but she was not into it and we figured out in a year or two more that we did not belong together. We stayed together for a total of 17 yrs to raise our kids. Then we got divorced...and are friends now.

In my early 30's I realized I was losing the denial battle. I was driving me crazy to not be free, to be my honest self by crossdressing. I never went to a counsler, but rather found others like me online. My tv/cd desires have grown with my age...no mater how strong willed I have been. If I have one regret it was not telling my ex-wife before we got married. If I had done that she would have never married me....but instead I lied to her and myself.

I have lived out and free for the last 10 yrs...and they have been the BEST 10 years of my life. Since I'm out, I dress enfemm 95 percent of the time...while doing my job en drab. I also have met a lovely woman who is into enfemm! It is an amazing thing to have her acceptance and love, as it has really made me grow. When I came out I lost a few friends, but have made many more...who accept me.

I could not 'will' my crossdressing away...fact is, it has only grown. My wife never did 'come around' to accept my crossdressing. A sad thing. She also spent alot of time thinking about what a bad person I was...because of it and my stubborness to crossdress. She never did touch me enfemm.........

Well, good luck to you,
Love
DebTV

Thank you everyone for your kind words and that you are will to listen really helps me.

I just got the Deuteronomy 22:5 nicely left on my desk at home. The verse says it wrong for a man or a woman to dress like the opposite sex.
I responded by placing other old and new testament verses that we don't follow. Those verses either were not meant for us or should not be taken literally.
I started with Deuteronomy 21:18 that say if you have a stubborn and rebellious son that the court should purge the evil by executing him. We have a son who fit the description completely.

Yes Terri Gene it is worth the pain and suffering to be me. I'm wearing my jewelry again my woman's jeans when I am at home. Your straight to the point words even if they hurt are very much appreciated. I am the boss of my life.

Lisabeth I don't think she was really mad at the fact that you shave your armpits, but that you are a transgender person. It was just a flare-up of the hurt inside of her because you are not the person she wants you to be. It took me wife three days to confront me about going out. At times she is very loving and at times she treats me as if I am a stranger or even an intruder and I guess in away I am.

Steph I read the Significant Others forum all the time because I want to understand what my wife is going through. I think my wife is great to put up with me and this awful situation (a male husband who now thinks he is a female) that I put her into. She could have left me already and I would have understood.
I do plan on going to a therapy. Just got to get the right therapist; one who understands transgender people.


Deb, I already know that I can't will the cross dress away either.  A couple of days of saying to myself that be a woman inside is enough was starting to drive me crazy because I had to have some kind of outlet. The cat got out and I can't put her back in. I don't want to either.  So either my wife will grow to except it or .........  I don't know yet if cross dress will even be enough of an outlet for me.
I am glad that your life has gotten much better.

Melissa and Kimberly I do want to thank you for your sympathy. I meant allot to me that you understand and care.

QuoteMisery does loves company.

Your hurting with me does help me to feel better.

Love
Jillieann

 


 

Jillieann
is youry wife taking part of any SO forum. is she activly trying to create any sort of SO network for herself?  I realise that she sees susans in an unfavorable light  but there is other  SO support out there. https://www.susans.org/Significant_Others/  many links hear and many more on in related areas on susans main  page.    i know that i tend to jump stight to the forum and forget about those links. She may be able to find a support group that fits her taste. I hope that you would be looking for face to face support groups in your area. hopefully she could have some one on one  contact with other SOs. just brainstorming i hope it helps.
keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

Huggs
Kate

Good news.
My wife and I talk some and she has releast me from the promise not to dress and go out when I want. She said she was only trying to protect me but it is up to me now. Also she is now willing to wash my underthings when she does the rest of the cloths.
I hope to see a therapist on Tuesday. It's the one my wife has been going too.
Anyway things look brighter today.

I think your right Terri our bond of marriage is strong and it looks as if she will stick with me.
I love her very much and I still hurt when I see the pain on her face, the confussion, the sorry and all of it caused by me being transgender.

Kate my wife isn't ready yet to join the forum, she still see it as a rival. She say I rather talk to you here at Susans than to her. She sees Susan's as a place that has brainwashed me into believeing I am TG. I know that she really doesn't believe that but she has to aim her pain at something.

Again thank you all for being here and Susan for making this safe haven available to us.

I'm smiling again.
Jillieann

Just as an aside Jillieann why don't you wash your own cloths?


Steph

Hi Step,
I knew someone would ask. We have lived togather for over 33 years and we each do different chores around the house. She chose the laundry as one of her tasks and if I do it for her she feels that i'm doing one of her jobs. So I cook most of the time and do the dishes all of the time. She hates doing dishes.

Jillieann

Hi Jillieann,

QuoteMy wife and I talk some and she has releast me from the promise not to dress and go out when I want.

That's a really good news, I was so happy when I start reading your topic, I could see your happiness when you're buying the clothes but than disappointment when I readed the rest. I really wish that your SO's would understand your feelings.I know it's not easy for her either but maybe she will accept you with the time, at least looking that way.

Good shopping dear Jillieann 

*** Hugs***

Michelle

Great Jillieann.  I'm glad to hear you are not stuck in a no-win situation.

Melissa