I'm posting this here because the context is I identify as transgender, and I've been buying men's clothes specifically for the purpose of transition.

Getting dressed has always been a depressing thing. Even with the nicest girl clothes and when I was in peak physical fitness, it never felt right. It never felt good.

I hit a point last fall where I was so disgusted with everything in my wardrobe that I wore nothing but my partner's pajamas at home for a good six months. And then I bought an *entire* wardrobe of new clothes because I thought that would make me feel better... but... it didn't.

Once I had an awareness of my gender issues, I have days where getting dressed is stressful and downright confusing.

Anyway. I bought a binder and a bunch of men's stuff just to experiment.

When everything came in the mail, I thought I was going to die. Like, why did I just do this? I can't believe I did this. I felt so embarrassed. I am going to look ridiculous. I can't believe I spent all this money. Etc.

I tried everything on (and despite some sizing issues) it was the most magical thing ever. Everything just clicked and made sense.

It's funny because even being the most "perfect" girl that I could be never felt good. I am still pre-everything in terms of transition, I clearly do NOT have a male body and I can pick out an endless number of things wrong with how I look, but dressed in men's clothes I felt awesome beyond words.

I didn't think too much about it... until I was home alone last night and randomly had the urge to do it again. I felt so immensely peaceful and relieved.

After I changed out of everything, I was steamrolled by the worst dysphoria, anxious and to the point of feeling physically ill. I'm always most susceptible to bad feelings if I'm tired, so I went to bed. I woke up twice during the night in a complete panic and feeling like I was going to throw up. I still feel a little sick this morning, but not as bad (I just made myself some tea).

I think the more I experience how positive and normal it feels to live like I have a body I SHOULD have had, the cognitive dissonance of being confronted with the body I do have is completely overwhelming. And I literally feel like crawling around and puking and asking WHY. I feel crazy and want someone to stop the ride so I can get off but I can't.

I've had this happen on a smaller scale, but the clothes last night flipped me literally inside out. I wasn't expecting it.

Completely dropping the female role because of all the persistently negative feelings it gives me is obviously what I'm working toward. But I need a few months to get my life in order before I can start living full time, as in my job and my living situation literally depend on it.

I think this is pretty common.  There seems to be no way to avoid the dysphoria of having to revert back to your natal gender presentation after enjoying presenting as your true self for a while.  All you can do is to minimize it by making progress in other areas.

There is a thread currently running on the MTF forum about the same thing from a MTF perspective.  Some of the ideas may be useful to you, if you just put them in your own context.  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,237925.0.html

Basically keep moving, at whatever speed you feel comfortable, forwards toward whatever degree of transition you want.

Hey Blackcat
I can relate with you almost exactly
I was born in a very male body but felt female from earliest thoughts.
I am pre everything too but plan on transitioning because I don't think I can make it much longer as I am even though I know I will have difficulty assimilating into a female roll.
I usually always stay dressed in my nice silky smooth female clothes when I'm at home on my own property.
Coming down from this going back to my male role is becoming nearly impossible I too experienced sickness and horror to go back to my acting job as male.
I want to stay this way so bad as female l have to cry every now and then because it's so horrible.
Like Kathy said it's pretty common and all of us have to endure this at some point but it sure gets worse over time and like I said almost impossible.
Hang in there sweetie as I will try also, eventually our true identities will be displayed as we've always felt in our head.
Just know that there will come a day that we both won't go back and will live free like we never did before.

All the best to you my friend love Tatiana

Everyone's correct.  We have ALL been where you are to some degree. 

I was androgynous for most of my life because I didn't know there was a "such thing as being transgender" until literally four years ago.  Now, I've been on T for almost 18 months, and looking more and more like my brothers every day. 

At first, you may find that wearing your male clothes around the house is fine, but soon you may feel that you want to wear them out in public.  So do so!  As long as you are safe, the only thing stopping you is you.  Baby steps is fine, soon you will find that your confidence is through the roof, even if its something as small as wearing a binder in public.

Do what is comfortable for YOU, NOT for everyone else.  People will think what they want, whether you like it or not.  Live for YOURSELF, not for them!  After all, its YOUR life, not theirs. 

Oh, and if you're trans, you're not crossdressing, you're simply wearing the clothes that fir your gender. 

Talk to me anytime. 

Take care bro.

Ryuichi