I had an interesting conversation with one of my best friends this morning and she says that I am shortchanging myself because I do not present as female all the time. I've thought about that and considered moving out when I came out. But I have been in a 35 year relationship and although I am not in love with my wife. I love her very much as my friend, my rock and bread winner. We were never compatible sexually. Having sex was like throwing a pea into the grand canyon. My penis is so small. How small is it? For a general idea, look at a can of vienna sausage. I still don't know fully, how we had two children together. My problem is not having the balls(poor choice of words, I know, but it took so long for them to drop.) I do dress several times a week to go to my support meetings and when I go to therapy sessions. I am not able to have surgery. That would be the ultimate for me. I still get down because I have never felt pms, never had or will have a period, Have a child. Nor earn 30% less than a man. Nor give some , prejudice evangelical, domain over my body. I still have a hard time meeting people. Most my friends are from elementary and High School that was 49 years ago. with only a smattering of co workers as friends. Through it all my wife has stood beside me and professes love for me. I  know I have never had much self esteem so it is hard to open up. At 6'4" and 220 lbs I still look at myself as a dude in a dress. Although I think a pretty good looking one for 66 years old and as one misguided woman says, "stunning". Maybe there is a lesson there. Don't drink and party. I don't know,  would love to wear sexy sleep ware  I would like to feel the breeze between my legs as I stroll outside to do some gardening. I would like to walk down the street without feeling prying eyes looking at me. My first job was me and six women who at the time were campaigning to wear pants instead of dresses. I thought at the time, If your not going to wear your dresses give them to me. I could fit a size 7 back then. I know it's mostly in my head as fear is a terrible thing and I have been hiding my fear for as long as I can remember. I love the new me but I still have my flaws. I wish that I could have done this back in 1970 or maybe even sooner. I would have gone all the way as far as I could. It would have been a different life that's for sure.  Anyway, I'm trolling for suggestions. Should I present all the time or should I just be happy for what I can get. I know I am far from where I was two years ago. No longer any depression, self loathing and a kinder gentler demeanor. Considering my age should I just be happy with how things are? I am not really unhappy. Just can't imagine not having my family around.

Other than the bread, Vienna sausage and pea, are you sure this belongs in the Cooking forum? 

Please reassign to the correct forum. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you are.

< moved to Male to Female transsexual talk (MTF) >

Hi Dawn 🙋‍♀️ I do relate a lot with your tale.  I'm in my 38th year of a loving marriage and we have no desire to be without each other.  The point in transition I'm at now, is the take it as slow as the hrt is going.  It is giving my wife more of a chance to become comfortable with the changes as they occur.
I haven't had as much time as you have, but I see the changes happening and the visual cues I'm employing work in my days out as a woman with friends.  My wife isn't quite to the point where she wants to socialize with me as a woman, so I don what I need to and take the other mode.  I do keep the nails polish on, and that's ok.
Your dysphoria is similar to mine.  Not being able to experience the basics of being a woman, periods, pregnancy, the whole learning to be a woman when you're a young girl.  I get that, and I get that there is nothing to be done about that except what we can.  That attitude has kept me happy.
As far as suggestions, if you are basing your decision on keeping your family life together and if your wife is fine with you going full time as a woman, you should absolutely go full time.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

It's hard for me to comment when my not living in both worlds lasted a whole month. I don't think your wrong, you are right for you. People may have opinions but only you can say what is or is not enough. Sure enough you will come to a point where you cross over and sure you may look back and wonder why the delay. This I think can be better than jumping blindly and regretting it all.
Don't ever knock your looks,you do look wonderful and are you happy with who is looking back at you in the mirror.
Give it time we all do it differently

Dawn, I am not sure that I understand your dilemma. Are you sure that you would lose your family if you went full time? And it doesn't sound like your dysphoria demons are that strong that continuing to live as you are is uncomfortable. Many suggest for each of us to live with as few changes as we can be comfortable with and our demons drive us to the level we need to be. That can go from as simple as a bit of underdressing to the full gamut of surgeries. You were able to find peace with hrt and dressing from time to time, is there a big inner drive to step it up. I am not doubting you one bit but are you able to verbalize, at least to yourself, whether these curiosities are passing thoughts or needs?

Tia Anne

To answer the question "Am I wrong?" you must first have a grasp on "what is right?" And even when you do sort that little conundrum out something will change or challenge you and your perspectives and priorities may shift. Well, everything but the core you, your soul, your essence, that unmovable part that say's I'm going nowhere. That's what I try to listen out for, that's where I look for strength, but it can get lost sometimes in the noise of life.

Maybe 'right' or 'wrong' is too binary, too clinical, too detached and stifled with rules. The simplistic answer is that it's o.k. to be yourself, but the reality is much more complex because none of us are islands. We are social primates, each and everyone of us an evolutionary leap, we are connected and judged, loved and ignored, built up and torn down.

We suffer because we want to be a part of something greater than ourselves when that something doesn't always want to be a part of us. But even when we know all of this, that truth held deep down, that knowing, the woman inside doesn't falter. This is your strength, your place to exist in an infinite universe, your unique collection of cells, the synapse firing, the goo that makes you, you. You're amazing . None of us would struggle if we didn't care.

Transition for me isn't about changing something it's about revealing something. It doesn't happen over night, it's frightening, confusing, conflicting, rewarding all at the same time, and it's not all about gender. I try to take a holistic approach to life, I am me after all and there's not a lot I can do about that so best get on with it .

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Hello  Dawn
I don't think you're doing anything wrong you chose this path and it's working for you.
Of course there is no right or wrong answer we are all just end results of our environment. I to have been married for 38 years, I'm 56 years old
Am 6 foot 2 inches and weigh 170
I am pre everything, but will start soon. I don't believe I'll be able pass as female but I really don't care because of all the health issues I have that improve when I present female.
You must be pretty comfortable in your roll because every time I change back to play my male acting roll l can't stand it and it's getting almost impossible to get out of my female attire

You don't seem to experience this at all so maybe you have found your nitch.
Or comfort zone that you are comfortable living in.
Is it possible this is your ideal lifestyle?
I sure hope you can find contentment in living as you do because maybe its right for you.
All the best to you sweetheart love Tatiana

I don't think there are right and wrong in transition. Each person's path is individual. Seeing transition as treatment of GD, there is a multitude of possibilities and it just depends what helps. Some are fine on low dose hormones, some need occasional cross-dressing and some need to go full in with all possible surgeries with the goal to accomplish a full stealth life.

I am not entirely sure I fully comprehend your ask, but just the fact that you did write up this post does show you are pondering possibilities to take it to the next level.

As others have asked, I am not sure how your wife/family would react. Especially your last sentence makes me wonder. I know from first-hand experience that having a family changes one's transition path and if you are interested in keeping your family, there will be compromises. However,  they also have to understand your needs.

I want to throw something in: My dad is turning 80 this year. A few weeks ago, he joined his local choral society. He always loved singing and has not really done much about it his entire life. But he wanted to pursue his dream and he did. Already sung in a concert once. While we are all shaking our heads since he is a terrible singer, it is something he wanted to do.

There are interesting aspects to this story:

- It is never too late to make a dream reality
- He did so even though we did question his choice
- He has fun and is happy doing it

Given that the consequences to him are fairly small (my mom being upset that he is gone even more and us kids making fun of his bad singing), it was an easy choice for him.

Being seen as a man in a dress? Most of us are. In the end, confidence is the most important factor and I am sure you can completely rock a pretty dress...

Not sure, this helped much...

Hugs,

Sarah

I feel like I am in a similar place.  My wife of 35+ years has stayed with me since I told her about 3 years ago.  At the start of the year, we had made plans to separate, so I thought "what the heck" and I started HRT and electrolysis.  I feel soooo much better and can now see, in hindsight, how much I had been spiraling down before.  My wife and I haven't slept together since I told her, have separate bedrooms, and are basically best friend roommates.  But like you, I love her and she is my rock.  Since starting HRT, the urgency of my feelings to transition has lessened, but are not gone.  I would like to go further with some FFS, but my wife says if I start looking too feminine, it will be time for me to go.  We live in a very small conservative town and the last thing I want to do is be an embarrassment to my wife, kids and siblings.  I don't dress in front of my wife and have NEVER gone out in public.  I've always said to myself that I could never socially transition if I couldn't pass as I don't have the strength to bear the stares and potential ridicule.  I know I am weak in this area and I applaud the rest of you for having so much courage.  It saddens me to the point of tears to think about leaving my wife, kids, siblings, and all I have known in my home town and I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.  But I also know the HRT may eventually "out" me and while I can bear being male as long as I am on HRT, it is still not who I want to be.  I also know if I stop HRT, all the old feelings and urgencys are going to come flooding back.  So I too don't know what to do.  My wife is very supportive, but she doesn't want to see me fully transition and remain my wife.  I get this, but it is all very sad.  I too, seek advice.   

I can only add my own experiences to this thread in the hope that it will answer questions for some, and help others. First of all I don't think that anyone of us can answer what is right or wrong for each individual. Each one of us live with different family units, and lifestyles, and what levels of dysphoria we are living with. We can only offer what our lifestyles are, or what has worked for us and what has not. I would be very hesitant to tell someone how to live their life, be it the right way or the wrong way. What can be right for some might be totally wrong for others. I personally live my life presenting as male, knowing that I am fully female inside. It will be two years September 1st that I have been on HRT. It has given me a life that now has mind and body finally aligned after some 65  years of always having that disconnect before. It works for me because of the love that I have for my wife, kids, and grandkids, and what a total transition would do to them. I have lived most of my life, they have theirs in front of them. Yes, it is difficult at times, but the knowledge of knowing who I am now, makes it easier to live the life that I do. Again it works for me, hopefully it will offer some help to others, right for me, possibly wrong for others. Only we as individuals can answer that

Thanks everyone. i don't have severe dysphoria because along with the estrogen I take two anti depressants. I have always been self conscious. I lost my first wife because she found out I was dressing while she was at work. A seven year relationship down the toilet, In the back of my mind I think that I failed my vows once already with disastrous results. Being the grandson of two ministers I understand the importance of doing your best to keep your vows. By the time I realized what was happening to me, she was already almost out the door. The day I left, I went to a motel and got dressed and drunk. Back then there was no such thing as dysphoria and no such thing a being transgender, Yes a few ladies were getting surgery at the time but nothing in the US. At least now we know what to call it. We know pretty much what caused it. There is a very real possibilities that our destiny was predetermined, At least mine was. I'm ok with that.
What I didn't explain is that my wife and I are both disabled. She had her leg amputated a few years ago due to an infection on her foot that turned gangrenous. i have level 4 heart disease. We kind of rely on one another to get through the day. I am having more bouts of labored breathing as I have been rushed to the hospital at least three time this year. When I was in my twenties I prayed very vigorously that one day I would wake up a woman. It's not like I never dress up. I mean I have spent literally thousands of days dressed as a female. I just stay in my room or go to a motel. That's kind of out of the question now that most places are between $150 - $200 a night. I'm trying to find a place downtown for the Gender Odyssey in August. Like I said, I used to pray a lot. But God in his infinite wisdom waited until I was nearly dead to fulfill my prayer. But I rejoice to have the opportunity to at least experience serenity within myself that I never had before, The E is doing that for me. When my brain was bombarded with massive doses of synthetic female hormones in utero it took a long time to get it to the point where I was producing enough testosterone to wake up my dangly parts. Well ok nothing of mine dangles. I've been very blessed in my life I have been able to live 8999 days longer than I was expected, I've watched both my kids take their first breaths, watch them graduate from school, Dory from college. But Big D is an electrician and my girly sells cpap machines. I now have a beautiful grandbaby. I, for the first time ever, am not suffering from depression my stress level has fallen to new lows. I used to schedule appointments with therapists to discuss my sexual confusion only to chicken out and tell them I was stressed out. As a result I spent several months over the years going to group meetings where they tell you to cancel your bad thoughts and practice mindfulness. If I had not chickened out I could have solved this in 1982 and I probably would not have posed the question. Luckily I have been focusing on doing what I can to support my new friends. Unfortunately our meeting leader is moving north. I was thinking of taking her place. I am ready to attend the Pride Parade and do my best to show people they have nothing to fear. I just can't parade in front of my wife. I am so thankful that I have you ladies to spill my guts to. Wish I had Susan's way back when but unfortunately, anyone remember the days of 2400 baud?

Breeze. One of the great finds in this process is my support group. I spent a lifetime of guilt and thinking I was the only one. The support group has given me the opportunity to spend a few hours as myself a couple times a week along with people in the same boat as me. After the meeting we go get coffee or have dinner.
My biggest challenge to date is making young people understand that not everyone had a computer back in the day when the world began. In the groups I am in you can dress in the bathroom. Baby steps.  Good luck sweetie.   
Denni. It looks like we have similar circumstances. I've always thought there was nothing more important than family.
Jessica. It's tough to give up something you took so long to build, like a relationship with your best friend.

Dawn,
   Each of us deals with our own risk/reward scenario. Are we willing to risk or lose this to gain this or that? We all find our own compromises. The source of most people's pleasure is self satisfaction and the interactions with our loved ones. I wonder if the inspiration for this thread was a comment that triggered your dysphoria, or is it a thing that you think of constantly. If you play out both paths in your head, is one so much better than another? Are you gaining enough to be worth the loss of loved ones? Like others have said, you are the judge. I like the thought of a compassionate person such as yourself taking over to lead a group. Help yourself by helping others. Yeah, I don't see a down side, do you?
Moni

I dunno. I've seen cis women that I look better than for sure, which is to say, I think we can fit into the female continuum. I think a lot of it is how you carry yourself. What's the song, Believe? For me, I need electrolysis and then hormones. Both would help a lot, especially electrolysis. I think you're just dandy and your friend maybe on to something.


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Moni, Once again the voice of reason. I appreciate your responses so much as they either calm me, or slap me across the face and motivates me.  I think the subject has come up because my wife has been with her mother for the last three weeks which has allowed me to explore. I am meeting more people and I look at it through a different prism than i did two years ago. I am understanding the meaning of "To thine own self be true" and it's really scary. I have always put others first which is actually a female trait. I have a desire to learn more, to experience more and make up for lost time. Each day is a gift I must use wisely in which to receive another tomorrow. I spent the first ten years or so, of our marriage resenting Jo because of what happened to my first wife. Jo and I getting together was a fluke as I was forced out of my apartment because of a fire next door. I was complaining I was going to have to move. Jo asked if I wanted her to find an apartment and I said yes. I didn't know she was moving in too. Even more a fluke is her still wanting to do it after discovering my stash of clothes and makeup in the hamper. Remember this was the early eighties and transgender was not even coined as a term by then. There was only crossdresser and that I didn't think, actually fit the situation.The thing is they are nowhere near the same. Wendy walked, when she could have stepped up and offered a solution rather than having an affair. Jo has been at my side for every success and failure.

Gertrude - thanks for your response. I agree Dee may be right and that set off my alarm bells. I'm getting a lot of time to think while my wife is away. Unfortunately in my life having time to think is in short supply and when I do, I tend to over think.

Quote from: DawnOday on May 30, 2018, 04:25:07 PM
Moni, Once again the voice of reason. I appreciate your responses so much as they either calm me, or slap me across the face and motivates me.  I think the subject has come up because my wife has been with her mother for the last three weeks which has allowed me to explore. I am meeting more people and I look at it through a different prism than i did two years ago. I am understanding the meaning of "To thine own self be true" and it's really scary. I have always put others first which is actually a female trait. I have a desire to learn more, to experience more and make up for lost time. Each day is a gift I must use wisely in which to receive another tomorrow. I spent the first ten years or so, of our marriage resenting Jo because of what happened to my first wife. Jo and I getting together was a fluke as I was forced out of my apartment because of a fire next door. I was complaining I was going to have to move. Jo asked if I wanted her to find an apartment and I said yes. I didn't know she was moving in too. Even more a fluke is her still wanting to do it after discovering my stash of clothes and makeup in the hamper. Remember this was the early eighties and transgender was not even coined as a term by then. There was only crossdresser and that I didn't think, actually fit the situation.The thing is they are nowhere near the same. Wendy walked, when she could have stepped up and offered a solution rather than having an affair. Jo has been at my side for every success and failure.

Gertrude - thanks for your response. I agree Dee may be right and that set off my alarm bells. I'm getting a lot of time to think while my wife is away. Unfortunately in my life having time to think is in short supply and when I do, I tend to over think.

You're Dawn O'Day, a lovely middle aged woman. What else is there to know? Put on a nice dress, like a dark colored sheath with pearls and some pumps and go out and have a nice time, with a friend if possible. I think the more we're ourselves, the happier we become.


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My vote would be for your happiness and self satisfaction without any slapping on my part.   

I say this in all honesty. I have great respect for folks like you and Denni who, for whatever reason, cannot take all the steps that they would like to. I have not the strength to make the adjustments necessary to do this and be as positive as you are. I think that you deserve to enjoy your feminine self as much as anyone else. I hope you can make this happen to the greatest extent possible. Love ya, Girl!

Gertrude... That is the observation I have made. When I am able to leave the house and mingle with my peers, it is like a light going off telling me everything is ok. I hope I can eventually overcome my fears.
Thanks again for your comforting comments.

Moni.. I know you would not slap anyone, you are one of the most honest people I am aware of.