Hi guys

In my last post I wanted to move to a different apartment, but I decided not to because my family depends mostly on
my income to pay rent. I get SSI (social security income) due to my disability.

No one has a job meaning everyone is depending on me to live in the apartment. I have to deal with my mom constantly telling me her church views on what she thinks about me being a transsexual. I have to deal with the stress of living with my mom or else my family will not have a place to live. I care deeply for my brothers and sisters that live with me and my mom. I care about them so much that I am willing to deal with the stress and my gender dysphoria.

Currently, I am going to college to get my bachelors degree in business administration and a minor in accounting. Hopefully, when I graduate I will be able to find a job that pays well. When I say pays well I mean a yearly income of at least $40,000 dollars to $50,000 dollars. With that much money I can save enough money to pay for my transition. I already have a associates degree, but I haven't been able to find a entry level position that pays well. The good news though is that I only need two more years to get that bachelors degree. I probable shouldn't say two years because I already completed a few courses.

My mom does not know that I am planning to transition. I only came out to her that I was transsexual 6 years ago when I was 19. When I came out to her she told me that I would make the ugliest woman alive and that I look too masculine to ever be a girl. I guess she is somewhat right seeing as though my avatar picture looks very masculine. Also when I came out to her she told me that I am an embarrassment to her and the family and she said that I better keep this a secret from my aunt, cousins, brothers, sisters, and so on. I told my older sister and older brother and they took my coming out very well. I decided not to tell my younger brother or younger sister. As for the rest of my family, cousins, aunts, uncles, I have not told them yet.

If it wasn't for my older and younger brother/sister who live in the apartment rent free I would have left a long time ago to pursue my transition. The only thing that relieve my stress as living as a transsexual is wearing women underwear. That is barely relieving the huge amount of stress living with gender dsyphoria.

As the breadwinner of the house I shouldn't be living like an animal and having everyone else in the apartment living like kings and queens. They do not have to live like me and deal with living in the wrong body. I am doing them a huge favor by putting off my transition and supporting them. I am going to college to earn a higher income for everyone in the family and to find a way to somehow find a budget to pay for my transition.

On top of supporting my family, my mom wants me to take out a student loan of $5,000 dollars to "pay for a car". However the real reason why she wants me to take out the student loan is so that we can have enough money to go to Puerto Rico for a vacation during Christmas. She want a vacation to Puerto Rico so she can visit her family there especially her mom who she is greatly attach to. Basically, she wants me to pay for everyone tickets to go to Puerto Rico.

She promise me to pay back the money to me, but I am not to into the ideal of going to Puerto Rico and taking out a student loan.

Thanks for listening and reading my posts. I just needed to express my feelings about whats being going on in my life and the stress I have. Being a transsexual really sucks.

Sounds like their priorities are messed up and they're ungrateful not to mention suffer from magical thinking. They want you to go in debt so they can vacation and they have no means of self support? Further, they judge you, the one  paying their way...sounds upside down to me. Have you sought out therapy? You need to extricate yourself from that. It's not healthy.


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Have to agree with Gertrude about the living situation being unhealthy.  You are essentially not working on you so that you can provide a free ride to others.  I understand family and all, but their inability to support their lifestyles because you will not provide a free place for them...not really your problem.

Maybe worth considering cutting out some of the fun stuff like TV and such to work on building a good relationship with your therapist.  Even if you are not able to jump in both feet right now, at least a therapist can help you flesh out a workable transition path.  They also hold the keys to "letters" as you move from one step to your next. 

You might also consider building an open relationship with your general doctor.  In the end, they will be able to set up the appointments with the needed specialists...an Endocrinologist most notably early on.

Quote from: kaitylynn on June 03, 2018, 02:33:37 PM
Have to agree with Gertrude about the living situation being unhealthy.  You are essentially not working on you so that you can provide a free ride to others.  I understand family and all, but their inability to support their lifestyles because you will not provide a free place for them...not really your problem.

Maybe worth considering cutting out some of the fun stuff like TV and such to work on building a good relationship with your therapist.  Even if you are not able to jump in both feet right now, at least a therapist can help you flesh out a workable transition path.  They also hold the keys to "letters" as you move from one step to your next. 

You might also consider building an open relationship with your general doctor.  In the end, they will be able to set up the appointments with the needed specialists...an Endocrinologist most notably early on.

its as you said the situation is not healthy, but if I don't pay rent then my siblings will have no where to live. my little sister is only 10, and my little brother is only 16. They have no means of supporting themselves. However, my older brother, older sister, and mom do not have a job and depend on me on paying the bills. They should be able to find a job to help out with the rent. The rent is $900 dollars a month and I pay $800 dollars a month. My mom manage to find a few jobs to pay for the rest of the rent. its been this way for over 1 1/2 years. So I pay a lot of money to keep everyone from being homeless.

I do not feel sorry that my older siblings cannot support themselves, but I do feel sorry for my younger siblings. They are not my kids but I still feel like I have an obligation to help them. I would feel guilty and terrible if I just left. As for my older siblings they accept me for who I am which is being a female. If we switch place and they were a transsexual like me I hope they would do the same for me and pay the rent.

The good thing about the whole situation is that its only temporary. When I get that bachelors degree with the minor degree in less then two years, I will be able to afford a therapist. Along with all the cost of my transition.

I really respect your feeling of obligation to your siblings. But I also know the pain of waiting too long. You might consider beginning HRT.  Generic Estradiol, runs about $28 a month. Spironolactone about $30 There are local transgender support groups that can help you for free. They can recommend therapists that deal with gender dysphoria. Doctors to authorize use. and when the time comes surgeries and total transformation. In the meantime, you can attend the support meetings to get close up, first hand information from the people who have had SRS, FFS etc. and those seeking answers, like yourself. There are also groups for family to discuss your situation and their reactions. I firmly believe that nothing matters more than family. But don't let it delay your dreams. Also kudos for getting an education. It opens so many more doors than not having one and automatically reduces the competition. For example retail jobs have ongoing hiring of mostly unskilled workers which have the same qualifications. Where a degree will reduce the number of applicants and it is up to you to show you have the ability to affect the bottom line. Or even start a business and be your own boss. As an example my son and a friend who used to work together for a spa company have started their own Electric construction company and project salaries to be over $100k for each of them. As to the student loan. Don't do it. Why? Because that money is yours and you will be paying it back. $5000 is not a lot but if you get behind you could end up owing much more than you borrowed. My son again, borrowed $14,000 and by the time we paid it off he/me ended up owing $18,000. And since I cosigned. I was on the hook and everytime he missed a payment because he didn't have a job, I got the derogatories on my credit report.