Another thread that I need to follow! I'm glad things are getting better with your family! I know that was an issue from previous posts and it totally sucks from personal experience.


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I loved the story Maddie. I'm so happy for you that your younger sister is supportive.

Hugs,
          Chelsea

Thanks for all the comments so far everyone!

So today wasn't too bad of a day, I finally had a day off! Right now I'm only living as Maddie about half the time, but on my day off I spent all day dressed female and I went out a few times. I didn't spend a ton of time on my makeup and hair and outfit, I went casual with a ponytail, v-neck shirt, jeans, and flats, and then I tried to go light on the makeup. Today I just did a little concealer plus mascara and eyeshadow, and brow filler. I accidentally used too much brow filler, oops! I thought it looked a little goofy, but honestly I've seen cis women with worse brows before, everyone has off days, so whatever, I still went out! I went to a diner for breakfast, I grabbed a snack at a cupcake shop around lunchtime, and for dinner I got chinese takeout, and all day not one single person gave me a weird look or acted like anything was out of the ordinary, even though I don't think I pass very well, so yay! Usually when I go out with this look I feel like a boy in makeup, but I didn't feel like that today, idk what changed but I'm so glad I didn't feel like that.

Is anyone on here from Baltimore? I'm planning on going down there on Saturday and I was wondering if anyone could suggest some good places to go shopping for clothes! I've been to the inner harbor a few times before but I was never there looking for women's clothes, I can't remember if there's any place good for that in that area. I took my car to the shop today and the repairs aren't as bad as I was expecting, I honestly thought I was going to have to cancel my trip!

I had another thought earlier, it seems like a few people on here who used to post a lot haven't been on lately. Cassi used to be everywhere, I wonder what happened to her, and I know Julia was supposed to have surgery this month, but she hasn't been on for a while, I hope everything's ok! I know some people tend to come and go on here but it's weird to see people walk away that used to post on here a lot!

Regarding electrolysis-I see you are in central N.Y. There is a man in Buffalo a friend of mine and myself have been to that has changed everything for us. I too was tired of weekly 2 hour visits that were painful and tore up my face. Most electrologists use a circle lamp to help insert the probe into the follicle. Circle lamps, because of the distance they must be from the face to allow for tools, are generally not able to get much more than 2x magnification. This man uses a stereo microscope capable of 40X magnification. This means he always hits the follicle exactly where as my previous provider was usually only close. If there is any pain upon insertion, the probe has made a new hole in your face. This then requires much more electricity to get a kill. The man in Buffalo (although he comes to York PA when I see him) is in and out of a follicle in less than a second and uses far less current. My friend did 3 straight 8 hour days. She described it as uncomfortable but not painful. I was further along so I only needed one 6 hour day for first pass.  Within 2 days there was little to no swelling.

I would have never believed I could endure 6 hours using 4% lidocaine (which lasts maybe 90 minutes), 2 Aleve, and lots of water. He does 500-700 hairs an hour. He does "any hair any where".

His name is James Walker at Executive Clearance. Highly recommend him.

Quote from: KatieD on May 23, 2018, 09:17:14 AM
Regarding electrolysis-I see you are in central N.Y. There is a man in Buffalo a friend of mine and myself have been to that has changed everything for us. I too was tired of weekly 2 hour visits that were painful and tore up my face. Most electrologists use a circle lamp to help insert the probe into the follicle. Circle lamps, because of the distance they must be from the face to allow for tools, are generally not able to get much more than 2x magnification. This man uses a stereo microscope capable of 40X magnification. This means he always hits the follicle exactly where as my previous provider was usually only close. If there is any pain upon insertion, the probe has made a new hole in your face. This then requires much more electricity to get a kill. The man in Buffalo (although he comes to York PA when I see him) is in and out of a follicle in less than a second and uses far less current. My friend did 3 straight 8 hour days. She described it as uncomfortable but not painful. I was further along so I only needed one 6 hour day for first pass.  Within 2 days there was little to no swelling.

I would have never believed I could endure 6 hours using 4% lidocaine (which lasts maybe 90 minutes), 2 Aleve, and lots of water. He does 500-700 hairs an hour. He does "any hair any where".

His name is James Walker at Executive Clearance. Highly recommend him.

oh wow, thanks for the info! Buffalo is about 3 and a half hours from me, but this is something I would make a trip for sometime if he can do 6 hour sessions like that!

I've had quite a weekend!

So just to preface this, I've been playing in bands since I was 13, mostly pop-punk, and I've been pretty involved with my local punk scene since I was 14. Friday night I went to a punk show in my friend's basement and it was only my 2nd time going to one as Maddie. It went well too, people complimented me and said I looked good and one of the bands from out of town actually had someone in the band that I've known since high school. He's a bit older than me but his old band and my old band played some shows together before and he's always been super nice, so it was good to see him the other night, he seemed really happy for me!

So now for the big part of the post! Yesterday morning I drove down to baltimore (4.5 hours). The whole reason for the trip was to go see The Longshot, which is a new power-pop band featuring Billie Joe from Green Day. He has been such a huge influence on me, he's the reason I play music really. He's had 2 albums that have sold over 10 million copies each, and I got lucky enough to buy a ticket to see him in a 400 person capacity bar! The tickets sold out in minutes, so it's definitely pretty special that I got to go!

I went down early because I wanted to do some shopping before the show. I also have a thing for cemeteries, so before I went into Baltimore I stopped in Towson to find the grave of "Divine", a famous drag queen. I found it!


After that I drove down to the Inner Harbor and I went up Federal Hill. It was pretty humid and windy, ew. When I was on my way over though I reached into my purse and grabbed my phone and my ID fell out. I didn't notice but thankfully a woman behind me did and got my attention, and she called me mam! yay! It felt pretty good honestly, I don't think I pass very well. I hiked the hill and took a selfie


After that I went and did a little shopping. I did find an H&M, which is nice because I don't have one in my town. I got a decent dress for less than $20 and I got a necklace! yay! After that I went to a few other stores and didn't find anything good. Then it started to rain, shoot! I went and grabbed dinner while the storm passed. When I went in the hostess didn't know if there were any tables free so she yelled out to the servers "can you seat her?". yay! Gendered correctly again! and the waiter called me "girl" at one point lol.

After that I went to the bar for the show. Doors were at 8 but I got there at 6:30. Right as I was about to go in Billie Joe actually came out of another door to go into his tour bus, which was like 20 feet away, and I saw him looking over at the people in line, and I'm pretty sure saw me, and since it was such a small venue I'm sure he saw me from the stage that night too. Idk why but it's a cool feeling lol. I was worried about getting ID'd at the door since the show was will-call but there were no issues at all. I've actually been to this venue quite a few times over the last 11 years, but this was the first time that I ever used the women's restroom there! That was another good feeling! I ended up getting a nice spot about 10 feet or so back from the stage!

The show was awesome! Seriously the most fun I've had in a long time! at one point a mosh pit had formed to the right of me and I kept getting ran into. The guy to my left noticed and he offered to switch spots with me, which was really nice of him! It felt good to be treated like a lady!

After the show I was going to wait outside for an autograph but I decided against it. There were a lot of people waiting and I didn't know how long I'd have to wait to see him or if he would even sign anything, plus I was staying at my friend's house and I didn't want to keep him up all night waiting for me. The only thing I even really had for him to sign was a paper in my purse from my doctor explaining my transition. It's the letter I had to take to the DMV to get my license changed. It actually would have been really cool if he signed the back of that, it's an important letter for me and this singer is someone whose music has gotten me through a lot of rough times!

I went to my friend's place and hung out with him for a while and then went to sleep. He has a wife and 2 young kids that were asleep when I got there. I was a little worried about seeing his kids in the morning, there was a good chance that I might have been the first trans women they've ever seen. I got up and got dressed and shaved and put my makeup on and then I went down and saw them and it went really well! no weird looks or anything, I was introduced as Maddie and the kids seemed excited to show me stuff. The oldest son (maybe 5 years old) was really proud of these math problems he did in a workbook and the youngest son (about 3) was excited to show me this lego thing he put together. I didn't stay with them too long though, I was starving and needed breakfast. I'll post my breakfast in the cooking section though, it was pretty great!

After breakfast I decided to walk over to find Edgar Allan Poe's grave. It was a little over a mile from the restaurant and a couple times people on the street addressed me as miss, which was nice! I didn't get misgendered all weekend! I found the cemetery and it was actually really neat!






Unfortunately, I decided to wear my new flats this morning and they were hell on my feet. the backs of my heels are raw and I have a big blister too, ouch!!

Well that's all, I just wanted to share with you how much fun I had this weekend! <3

That sounds like a really nifty weekend!  Just the band sounds awesome and getting 100% correct gendering all weekend long just adds to it!  I really like the picture of you at the top of the hill, you look great!

           Julie

Wow-whee MADDIE ....  what a fun time that you had... and your pictures, as always are wonderful to see.
Thank you for your update.
Hugs,
Danielle

Ok, so I forgot to mention something the other day. On saturday when I was standing in line at the venue I got a facebook message from someone. I've mentioned this girl in other threads before. about a year and a half ago this girl and I got pretty close. it was never anything sexual but we opened up to each other a lot. After one halloween where I dressed as a woman she actually asked me if this is something I was into. Little by little I started opening up more to her about who I wanted to be and one day I just came right out with it and told her I wanted to be a woman. I know this sounds nice and helpful, but really she's just nosey. I was friends with her ex and at time I felt like she was just using me to keep tabs on him, and in return she would listen to me about my gender issues. she got on my nerves a lot and she caused a lot of drama. She had a big falling out with a lot of our friends and I tried to help her through her issues but she wouldn't listen to me. She would act sweet and caring but then she would ignore everything I would tell her to try and help her. Then on the day that my grandmother died this girl actually blocked and unfriended me on facebook! and this was after she acted nice and gave me her condolences! It was really surprising, but at that moment I was totally done with her. She messaged me a week later like nothing had happened, and then a month later she sent me another message, but I ignored both of them. So the other night I got a message from her that was actually pretty nice, she said that she kept seeing me on facebook with my new profile and finally realized it was me and then she apologized for how she acted last year and she said she was really proud of me. I was thinking about writing back to her but I honestly don't know what to say. I don't really want to start a conversation with her and I don't care to be her friend, but that doesn't mean I can't at least be nice to her, so I don't know what to do!

Another thing that I've been struggling with lately is that I totally feel like I'm living a double life. It's funny, before I came out I had to sneak around as a female because I was scared of getting caught, but now that I'm out I feel weird being seen as a male! I'm still presenting as a male for work, so sometimes I have to run to the store or something before or after and I just really hope that I don't run into anyone I know because I feel like that would almost discredit my transition in a way. I've been working with my dad lately and it almost seems like him just being around me like that made him forget about my transition. He's said "atta boy" to me a few times at work and he doesn't even pause when he calls me by my male name anymore, 2 weeks ago he would apologize for it but now it seems like he's forgotten. It doesn't seem like it's on purpose, he's not doing it to be mean, I guess it's just hard to imagine me as a woman when I'm moving concrete blocks around all day and mixing 80lb bags of cement. I hate my job but I really do need to finish out this summer working construction. It just sucks because I don't want the neighbors to see me in those kinds of clothes when I come home. The other day I pulled up to my house and one of the neighbors was out and I actually waited for him to go inside before I got out of my car, I don't want to be seen as a boy! This is frustrating!

Hi Maddie,

It is very difficult being in both worlds. Frustrating for you and those that support us.

The role we are associated with is associated by feminine or masculine dress, hair, makeup and scents. Being female and dressing the role has huge social implications. It is so difficult to slowly transition and be in both worlds.

You are doing what you need to do and it is for a limited time. I know as the time gets closer to full transition it becomes more and more difficult to keep to the plan.

You are strong and will get you through it.

I'm so glad you're sharing, and you live quite the exciting life, Maddie!

I can't believe someone(that girl who was mean) could act such a way. People really baffle me sometimes. I am not a musician, I did want to play something when I was younger, but I don't think I can or would want to anymore, oh well. Real big fan of Green Day, though, and those pics are awesome!

It really seems like you had a pretty amazing time in Baltimore! ANd it does seem like it's always raining there lol I went last year, too; and I donated to the Pavers for Poe with my own unique message brick for the new park! <3



I'm glad you're getting properly gendered, that's always a wonderful feeling, and you should be, too! You are lovely!

Subscribed/Bookmarked! <3

Much love,
Eryn

Quote from: Maddie86 on May 29, 2018, 07:26:41 PM
I was thinking about writing back to her but I honestly don't know what to say. I don't really want to start a conversation with her and I don't care to be her friend, but that doesn't mean I can't at least be nice to her, so I don't know what to do!

If it was me, I might just reply with a simple "thank you" or "thank you, I appreciate that".  The burden would be on her to show you she has matured as a person and is worthy of further investment of your time.

Quote from: Maddie86 on May 29, 2018, 07:26:41 PMIt just sucks because I don't want the neighbors to see me in those kinds of clothes when I come home. The other day I pulled up to my house and one of the neighbors was out and I actually waited for him to go inside before I got out of my car, I don't want to be seen as a boy!

So, a few years back I had a plumbing company come and do some work for me.  One of the plumbers was a cis-hetero female.  She was fairly attractive though a bit heavyset (not fat, just a little thick) with beautiful shoulder length blond hair.  While at work, of course she was wearing plumbers attire and got a little dirty on the job, but she was decidedly feminine anyway.  I know of course that we trans-folk are much more sensitive in this regard than others, but it is helpful to me sometimes to look at other females (especially cis-females) in society and how they get along in similar situations.  I frequently find that if I were a cis-female in a situation that makes me incredibly uncomfortable, that there really wouldn't be any issue at all. 

The other thing that comes to mind is that as we endeavor to make ourselves more feminine, we fall prey to the same stereotypes that feminists complain about with regards to what women can and can't do.  So many of the "rules" of our societies and genders are somewhat arbitrary and shift around over time.  I recently learned from my aunt, that in New Orleans when she was young, it was unfashionable to have your ears pierced.  That is one of the first things I wanted to do to feel more feminine, but sixty years ago it would have made me stand as something of an outcast.

Don't get me wrong, I have some of the same feelings as you do about presenting one way or the other, but it helps me to try to step back from myself to figure out how others are actually viewing me and not how I think they are viewing me.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. 

         Julie

thanks for the comments everyone!

So tonight I went to a Greek Fest, and I saw someone there that I had actually worked with earlier this week. I knew this was bound to happen but I didn't think it would happen so fast! It's funny, this is someone I knew when I was young, his daughter and my sister were friends, and on tuesday he was at this job site pouring concrete sidewalks, and this was the first time I saw him in probably 20 years, then 2 days later I see him again at this greek fest where I'm dressed as a female! I saw him 3 or 4 times tonight, each time I would look away and I don't think he saw me, until the last time. I turned a corner and he was like 20 feet away and he was talking to someone, but it also looked like he saw me and was squinting to get a better look. Maybe he was trying to figure out if it was me, i dunno, whatever. What's he gunna do anyways? tell my dad? my dad already knows!

Speaking of which, yesterday my dad saw me dressed as a female for the first time. He was bringing over a housewarming present (it was an air conditioner, I made a joke on facebook that his housewarming present was more of a house cooling present and it got over 70 likes!) and I was wearing light makeup and some shorts and a sleeveless top. My older sister was here too when he stopped by, which I'm thankful for. I'm sure it would have been fine if she wasn't there, but it was comforting that she was around. He went outside for a minute and she commented that he seemed grumpy lol. I'm glad he saw me like that though, he needs to see me like this more often so he doesn't forget that this whole thing is happening.

There's something else I want to bring up on here. Lately I've felt pretty bummed because I feel a bit of a disconnect between me and a lot of my friends. I feel like I would be closer with a lot of people if I transitioned at an earlier age. I have a couple different groups of friends and they all seem to have a very strong bond while I just feel like a 3rd wheel. The thing is that they all have a lot of great memories together, and I'm not part of them, I wasn't there for the best times of their lives that they'll always cherish. This brings me down and then I can't really address it to anyone because then no one will hang out with me, people don't like to be around negativity. I try to put on a happy face and  not think about these things, but it's hard when I'm alone all the time. I have no single friends either, and that's a big part of it, all of my friends wanna spend time with their significant others, which is understandable, but then when they do get together it seems like they want it to be couples only. I did go to that Greek Fest that I mentioned earlier with my best friend, so at least that was nice.

Hi Maddie

I have just managed to catch up on your thread and I read about the difficulties you are having with your Dad. I have been having similar for the last couple of years. It actually got me thinking about something my Dad said to me the last time I was on Skype to him, he said that he always just saw <insert misname here> when he saw me during the call! What I realised was that trying to appease him by "dressing down" for Skype calls so he can get used to seeing the physical changes has just lead to opening the door wider for him to misgender/misname and not change the way he addresses me. I have always thought that getting "dressed up" to skype with him seemed a bit over the top but I wonder even if I do whether his behaviour will change and similarly with your Dad if you call him out a few times when he misnames you will he get the message that it is not acceptable to use your old name? How you go about "calling him out" is the tricky bit.


As far as having to dress as a male part time, it must be very difficult but from what you describe you need the job for practical reasons so I guess it falls under the heading of "you got to do what you go to do" and hopefully it won't be forever. You could always go En femme to work, there are plenty of women who work on construction sites. It might give your Dad the perfect que to remember your name 


I think you look fabulous in your pics


Take care


Liz   

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 03, 2018, 12:22:34 AM
Hi Maddie

I have just managed to catch up on your thread and I read about the difficulties you are having with your Dad. I have been having similar for the last couple of years. It actually got me thinking about something my Dad said to me the last time I was on Skype to him, he said that he always just saw <insert misname here> when he saw me during the call! What I realised was that trying to appease him by "dressing down" for Skype calls so he can get used to seeing the physical changes has just lead to opening the door wider for him to misgender/misname and not change the way he addresses me. I have always thought that getting "dressed up" to skype with him seemed a bit over the top but I wonder even if I do whether his behaviour will change and similarly with your Dad if you call him out a few times when he misnames you will he get the message that it is not acceptable to use your old name? How you go about "calling him out" is the tricky bit.


As far as having to dress as a male part time, it must be very difficult but from what you describe you need the job for practical reasons so I guess it falls under the heading of "you got to do what you go to do" and hopefully it won't be forever. You could always go En femme to work, there are plenty of women who work on construction sites. It might give your Dad the perfect que to remember your name 


I think you look fabulous in your pics


Take care


Liz

Thanks! I can't really go as a female to work, the company I'm working for is one that I've worked with on and off for almost 4 years now, and there's some guys in the company that I don't think would be ok with it. Correcting my dad while at work probably isn't the best thing to do right now since I gotta stay closeted, but after this summer I'm going to try and get a new job and then I'm really going to try and drill it into him. The other day when we got back to his place after work his wife let their dogs out to come greet us and they always go right to him and he tries to get them to go over to me and when he talked to the dogs he used my male name and told them to "go get him". Then I left and said bye and my step mom yelled "bye maddie!", and that made me feel better because it was less than a month ago when I saw her tear up and say that it was going to be hard to call me something other than my male name.

Quote from: Maddie86 on June 04, 2018, 07:07:39 AMThen I left and said bye and my step mom yelled "bye maddie!", and that made me feel better because it was less than a month ago when I saw her tear up and say that it was going to be hard to call me something other than my male name.

Yay!  That's progress.  It is so nice when people make the effort to get it right.

My mom called me last night and we talked for a little while. She wants to get dinner next week and she wants to bring my younger sister, so we'll see how that goes. She also told me that she finally told my uncle about me, so that's kind of a relief. She's bad with details, so I'll have to ask her about it more when I see her, but she told me that he just pretty much said that he felt bad that it took me so long to figure myself out.

So I'm about to post something pretty disappointing. I really let myself down this weekend. Saturday night I drank a whole bottle of wine because I was depressed. I guess this goes back to what I mentioned in my last post about that disconnect with my friends. Sometimes I feel like I could just disappear and I wouldn't be missed. My best friend had her bachelorette party last weekend and I wasn't invited. She told me a while back that she's doing two different parties, one was a camping trip last weekend for her out of town friends that she never sees and then this upcoming weekend she's doing something in town, and that one I'm invited to, but it doesn't really feel like a bachelorette party. At first we were going to go out for dinner and then grab some drinks, but now she just wants to do dinner because she says she's getting sick of wedding stuff, and she and I go out to dinner all the time, so this is nothing special and I feel like I got screwed out of a celebration. I guess it's just going to be me and her and 2 other girls that I don't even really know. Yay. The people she went on a trip with last weekend were her best friend (who is also one of my best friends) and then 2 of her college roommates. The 2 other girls going this weekend are a co-worker and a former co-worker. I feel like a 2nd string friend. I know last weekend was for her out of town friends, but it would have been nice to be included, I never get to go on special trips like this, and it would have made me feel like one of the girls, which i'm struggling with in my transition. I was a big part of her bridal shower too, I cooked 75% of the food there, which everyone loved and I spent over $100 on food and supplies, so a trip like this would have been a nice thank you. I know, I'm being selfish, this is her big thing and I'm making it about me, but nothing's ever about me. I'm always trying to do nice things for my friends and I sent them nice texts and check up on them and ask them how they're doing, and no one ever does anything like that for me. It would mean a lot if I just got a random text from a friend sometime saying hi and asking how I'm doing, but I never get anything like that and I feel like no one cares about me. I feel like I could be in a room full of my friends and leave and no one would notice.

I really hate feeling so worthless all the time. I was supposed to have a session with my therapist on saturday but I cancelled it so I could work with my dad. My next one is Friday the 15th, which is the day before my friend's wedding. I've reached the point where I think I would like to try taking anti-depressants, so I'm going to look into that and see if my therapist can refer me to a psychiatrist

Quote from: Maddie86 on June 04, 2018, 07:45:39 AM
My mom called me last night and we talked for a little while. She wants to get dinner next week and she wants to bring my younger sister, so we'll see how that goes. She also told me that she finally told my uncle about me, so that's kind of a relief. She's bad with details, so I'll have to ask her about it more when I see her, but she told me that he just pretty much said that he felt bad that it took me so long to figure myself out.

So I'm about to post something pretty disappointing. I really let myself down this weekend. Saturday night I drank a whole bottle of wine because I was depressed. I guess this goes back to what I mentioned in my last post about that disconnect with my friends. Sometimes I feel like I could just disappear and I wouldn't be missed. My best friend had her bachelorette party last weekend and I wasn't invited. She told me a while back that she's doing two different parties, one was a camping trip last weekend for her out of town friends that she never sees and then this upcoming weekend she's doing something in town, and that one I'm invited to, but it doesn't really feel like a bachelorette party. At first we were going to go out for dinner and then grab some drinks, but now she just wants to do dinner because she says she's getting sick of wedding stuff, and she and I go out to dinner all the time, so this is nothing special and I feel like I got screwed out of a celebration. I guess it's just going to be me and her and 2 other girls that I don't even really know. Yay. The people she went on a trip with last weekend were her best friend (who is also one of my best friends) and then 2 of her college roommates. The 2 other girls going this weekend are a co-worker and a former co-worker. I feel like a 2nd string friend. I know last weekend was for her out of town friends, but it would have been nice to be included, I never get to go on special trips like this, and it would have made me feel like one of the girls, which i'm struggling with in my transition. I was a big part of her bridal shower too, I cooked 75% of the food there, which everyone loved and I spent over $100 on food and supplies, so a trip like this would have been a nice thank you. I know, I'm being selfish, this is her big thing and I'm making it about me, but nothing's ever about me. I'm always trying to do nice things for my friends and I sent them nice texts and check up on them and ask them how they're doing, and no one ever does anything like that for me. It would mean a lot if I just got a random text from a friend sometime saying hi and asking how I'm doing, but I never get anything like that and I feel like no one cares about me. I feel like I could be in a room full of my friends and leave and no one would notice.

I really hate feeling so worthless all the time. I was supposed to have a session with my therapist on saturday but I cancelled it so I could work with my dad. My next one is Friday the 15th, which is the day before my friend's wedding. I've reached the point where I think I would like to try taking anti-depressants, so I'm going to look into that and see if my therapist can refer me to a psychiatrist

Hi Maddie

I don't think you are being unreasonable or selfish....if you cant tell us what is going on for you who can you tell?..I understand that being left out of the bachelorette party would make you feel horrible...I am sure I would be feeling the same.

If you are not feeling great I am sure this would not be helping at all. Seeking help sounds like the best idea an$ maybe the pills will help.

I dont see much wrong with feeling the way you do after making the effort that you have wit( your friends....I have had similar issues with family and I understand how hurtful it can be.

I hope you get some help and are feeling better soon.

Take care

Liz


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So I'm starting to feel a little better. I feel a little silly for my last post, a couple hours after I posted it I got a notification that I was tagged in an instagram post, so I checked it out and it was my friend who recently moved to Virginia. She posted a pic of us from back in December, which she couldn't post back then since I was still in the closet. It's a cute pic and I'm glad she posted it, but her caption made me feel a lot better, she wrote "4 more days!!! I can't wait to come home and see some of my favorite faces" awwww! It's amazing to know that I do have people who care about me. I ended up texting her to thank her for posting it and I ended up talking to her about things and she calmed me down, I'm really lucky to have her as a friend. Then a couple hours later my older sister called me just to talk, which again made me feel great.

So in another effort to get out of my mental funk, I did a little shopping trip yesterday. Syracuse is an hour from me and they have a great mall, so I went up because I needed a dress for my friend's wedding. I started out at Macy's and found a dress within 10 minutes!! It's cute and comfortable and it was on sale! $60, original price was $90! Now I need shoes to go with it, which is one thing I just can't find. The mall had a few stores with size 13 shoes, but the selection wasn't good. I got another dress too, it's a black one that's really cute and it was only $15 at TJ Maxx! I'm going to wear that this weekend to a party. I also managed to get a few cute tops and I got a birthday present for a friend and I got a cup of coffee that was really good! Then to top it off I went to Dinosaur BBQ for dinner, which is my favorite restaurant! I was looking forward to getting a table and eating there for the first time as Maddie, but they're always really busy, the wait probably would have been an hour, so I just got takeout. I was at the mall for just over 5 hours and it actually took a lot out of me, that's a lot of walking!

I did take a couple pics in the dresses I bought, but I think I'll wait until this weekend to post anything, I wanna get pics while I'm out doing stuff

Wow!  what an exciting day.  Reading about your mall adventures makes me wish I was as far along as you are.  So glad that you're feeling better too.  It's easy to feel down sometimes.  It's funny how small differences in perception can have profound impact on our emotional well being.

       Julie