Another PurpleWolf post - open discussion for all!

Before or during or after transitioning, have you ever had fears about detransitioning someday? That some day you'd wake up and realize you've been kinda 'wrong' all along and go back living as a male/female?

I'm guessing many trans people have these types of fears... that they want to make absolutely sure they're doing the right thing with transitioning and starting HRT and all that.

Did you recognize these fears as just 'panicky thoughts' driven by anxiety? Unnecessary 'what ifs'?

Or have you had these types of thoughts in general but didn't pay much attention to them or...?

Were these fears related to certain transition stuff, like starting HRT, doing surgery etc...? Like did you fear regretting those things at some point?

What would you tell your past self now? That those fears were totally unfounded...? And you're happy with all the results...?

Are there some things you regret? Or some results you didn't like after all?

Do you think it's common to have fears of regret among trans people?

Is there something you'd do differently? Or tell your past self to relax about it and not obsess over it?

Has there been some past trauma (like sexual abuse, harassment, misogyny etc...) that made you question the genuineness of your gender identity/transness? Did you ever wonder if you were trans as a result to that trauma...? Or not really trans because of it?

Have you dealt with that trauma then? What have you found? Do you see a connection to your gender or gender views? Did you eventually conclude that the past trauma and you being trans are two completely different things?

[Just to make sure: I do not believe that things like sexual abuse are the cause for someone being trans. Actually many trans people (and people in general) have been sexually abused, and obviously having been sexually abused does not make anyone trans. But in certain cases it can play a role... and past trauma can have an effect on one's view of self - a thing that many detransitioners are too familiar with. And I also know many trans people in general have these types of thoughts and fears - hence that question.] 

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As for me... I did have some traumatic things happen to me in my childhood and I felt the people around me were very sexist and biased against girls. I've had several these types of thoughts every now and again: What if past trauma had an effect? What if rigid gender views made me think I wanted to be a boy? etc. etc. Most of it I've dealt by now though. And kinda concluded that past trauma did not make me trans, but being trans made that trauma worse. And I still have some fears regarding T... and the effects.

And after years of inaction I'm kinda worried about making some permanent changes like HRT and surgery, despite very much wanting to. Then I just try to calmly remind myself that I like being a guy and hate the prospect of growing old as a woman. After all, the last time I identified as a girl was when I was like 13... So it's kiiinda unlikely to ever change from that!

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But anyway would be great to hear your thoughts  ! And maybe soothe each other and notice it's normal to have these thoughts...? So if you're having them, you're not alone...? Unless, ofc, I'm once again the only one having such fears xD. Wouldn't be the first time, 

I'm going to be that girl and put a massive *TW label for this

For me it's yes and no. I never thought ever that I would regret I transitioning to female. Ever. The idea of regretting it or thinking its wrong for me in the more purer sense doesn't compute in any way. My fear was that one day I would realize I'm just too" stupid". Played on by family and especially an aunt and cousin (thanks Mike) I worried that one day it could happen that I would wake up and find out i wasn't a strong, resilient, woman who was born in wrong body but just a sick stupid man who is too messed up to trust feelings. That living happy as a female was somehow wrong. But living miserably as a male was what was supposed to be was the case. I even kinda attempted a de transition due to that fear.

Much of my family messed me up but trying to implant self doubt and make me obsess about that doubt and all invading feelings.

So I worried they were right and I would be doomed to "figure it out "

When you read some de transitions as I did, I notice I would feel sick at times by their writings. Walt Heyer could suck the soul out of anyone not backed by the facts. After reading him and people Like him I often wonder how they can get dressed in the morning let alone transition (then go back) granted some people who do go back are very open minded, take responsibility and actually have some sound advice everyone should listen to. I have only seen a few (and I mean only a few) of his writings but Joel Novak (mtftm) seems like a decent person with a head on his shoulders.

As for waking up and worrying I made a mistake about trnationkng to female? Nope never. I love this feeling and wish I was born female more and more.

Great post, thanks  !!!

I have zero regrets about transitioning. I'm going to get an orchie to ensure that there is NO WAY I can ever detransition.

It's a fear I got. Not that I made a mistake and I'm not trans because I'm sure of what I am, but more like feeling like I can't handle all the negative stuff that transition brings and feeling like I need to go back. I hope that NEVER happens. In a way I feel like I would rather just end my life.

How old are u Purple Wolf?

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I have had nitemares in which I was FORCED to detransition. To me, it has always been a scary thought. Just the idea of being forced back to looking like a male horrifies me. Enough said?

I'm one week away from one year of HRT and I have no regrets about transitioning. well, that's a lie, I have one regret, and that's that I didn't do it sooner! I don't miss the testosterone at all, I could never go back. I love how transitioning has brought closer relationships between me and my female friends, I don't miss hanging out with boys all the time, it drove me crazy. I'm still not 100% full time, sometimes I have to leave the house in boy clothes and I hate every second of it, I feel so uncomfortable. I'm hoping that sometime during the first few months of 2019 I'll have a new job that I can be full time at and I don't ever have to worry about dressing male again.

I didn't feel any fear... nor did I think that 'detransition' is any sort of option. I would be having myself surgically altered and to me there isn't any going back from that, at least from the perspective of your nerve cells. And hormonally I would be altered irreversibly as well. I mean yes, you can have those things re-operated on if you desperately wanted them put back to something like their original state but they would never be the same again, and in the case of getting organs taken out, never be put back in.

It's a legitimate concern, to wonder if one day you might wake up and think you've made a terrible mistake. That's why I spent about 3 years thinking on what exactly my mind state was before I ever went near a GP for any of this and whether I was prepared to leave everything behind.

The only real problem is that HRT can actually alter that mind state somewhat - it can make you so comfortable with yourself (as in my case) you might wonder why you transitioned at all. But it's the height of irony, because the HRT makes changes to you that would render you very odd-looking (and sounding) as a woman anyway, and if you took that HRT away you'd be back to square one with the anxiety and the self-loathing. It might be a pitfall others encounter as well, but I just intend to trudge on through to the conclusion of my transition because as far as I'm concerned, surgery is no longer something I fear and I've only had good experiences with transition so far. I'm comfortable with the changes, I'm liking who I am in the mirror these days, and inside, and that was the whole point. But the lack of anxiety and self-hatred can catch you off guard when taking hormones and make you think "why did I hate my body so much in the first place?"

But no I wouldn't detransition at this point. I see no point. I like what the HRT has done for me and the surgery. My only trepidation is that there may be a shortage of hormone supply one day. That would really wreak havoc on my nerves, but so long as that doesn't happen (I keep a year's worth of T in stock just in case) there's no reason at all that I should undo any of this. I was never living "as a woman" anyway. If for some reason I had to go back to anything, it would be to go back to being androgynous.

I could never de-transition, the alternative of living as a male were the most depressing years of my life. I still have a penis which is disgusting, but there is a lot of comfort in HRT, breast development, rarely getting erections etc...

I never contemplated detransitioning.  I am not ever going back there.  No way, no how.

When I was just starting this journey and wondering where it led, it did occur to me that a therapist might tell me I couldn't transition because I was just nuts, not trans.  But that didn't happen.  The verdict was that I was an open-and-shut case: trans, period.  That is the closest I ever came to not transitioning.

I had lots of fears going into this.  But one by one, they have melted away.

I really always knew I was feminine, even when I was in denial.  So once I decided that I needed to transition it was a huge relief.  No more denial, no more hiding. 

So the idea of detransitioning fills me with horror.  I would have to sneak back into that closet, learn to deny what I now know, go back to hiding my real self.  Trust me, that ain't going to happen!

Quote from: KathyLauren on July 10, 2018, 03:55:18 PM
I never contemplated detransitioning.  I am not ever going back there.  No way, no how.

When I was just starting this journey and wondering where it led, it did occur to me that a therapist might tell me I couldn't transition because I was just nuts, not trans.  But that didn't happen.  The verdict was that I was an open-and-shut case: trans, period.  That is the closest I ever came to not transitioning.

I had lots of fears going into this.  But one by one, they have melted away.

I really always knew I was feminine, even when I was in denial.  So once I decided that I needed to transition it was a huge relief.  No more denial, no more hiding. 

So the idea of detransitioning fills me with horror.  I would have to sneak back into that closet, learn to deny what I now know, go back to hiding my real self.  Trust me, that ain't going to happen!

I totally agree. The more I transition the more right it seems. The more comfortable I am with my body, my emotions, and even my thoughts. The cost has been high, and it will be higher still but there is no going back now. Too much has changed and if I was in the position of being forced to somehow detransition (not even sure how that would be possible at this point - surgery would be required anyway) I'd choose to end myself first.

This is a one way ride!

I have never regretted starting, never thought that I've made a mistake and I didn't hesitate to take my first dose of estradiol.  Took me 54 years to work though my fears or uncertainty and get to that point.


Once I realized that I actually could and was going to transition, the only fear I had, and still have somewhat, is what I would do if I wasn't able keep taking my HRT.  My life before wasn't horrible but it wasn't me and no way I can go back to trying to be male.

While I'd love to tell my younger self that I (we?) actually do transition (something younger me usually thought impossible), I'm not sure I would. The altering timeline and not knowing the people in my life thing.

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Quote from: Kylo on July 10, 2018, 02:45:07 PM
The only real problem is that HRT can actually alter that mind state somewhat - it can make you so comfortable with yourself (as in my case) you might wonder why you transitioned at all. But it's the height of irony, because the HRT makes changes to you that would render you very odd-looking (and sounding) as a woman anyway, and if you took that HRT away you'd be back to square one with the anxiety and the self-loathing. It might be a pitfall others encounter as well, but I just intend to trudge on through to the conclusion of my transition because as far as I'm concerned, surgery is no longer something I fear and I've only had good experiences with transition so far. I'm comfortable with the changes, I'm liking who I am in the mirror these days, and inside, and that was the whole point. But the lack of anxiety and self-hatred can catch you off guard when taking hormones and make you think "why did I hate my body so much in the first place?"

Hahahahaha - oddly I kinda feel this way already xDDD!!! Even before taking T...! Just because of being supported and having friends and feeling accepted.... and also after I legally changed my name (a HUUUUUGE one!!!). So I'm starting to feel so good and natural as myself and the new name feels so right I don't even notice it anymore - so it makes me think, 'why didn't I do this and this before?' kinda forgetting what that deadname and all felt like....  ! Like it made my life literally living hell. But now my reality has shifted and kinda forgetting about that alread.... Funny. But not even on T yet - and feeling THIS great atm!!!

And yeah the actual thought of 'detransitioning' as in.... 'going back to living as a woman' is a horrible thought. Well I wouldn't 'go back' to anything coz I've been consciously living as a guy since 13 so... And I still kinda am in that physical pre-everything form in practice. But imagining I had to live the following decades as a WOMAN is such a horrifying thought that.. well, exactly why I'm here right now and transitioning  . Coz couldn't take that prospect anymore...!!!

Nope. No way would I ever go back. Can't. Won't. Refuse to ever. 

It took very little time on HRT to know which hormone worked right for me. This life is right for me. It's what I always knew even when I tried to convince myself that I was stuck living as I was born. That it just wasn't my place to ever be happy in this lifetime.

Honestly I can't imagine the horror of having to detransition.

Interesting topic.

I think my fear is similar to the nightmare scenario. Being forced back without choice.

As I get older I know I am not heading to a "nursing facility" for quite a while. However, I have heard about some places having to use their doctor and ignoring the personal requests of the clients. This is my biggest fear.

I still worry about not looking as ...(fill in the blanks) as I would like. However, I don't see any way I would choose to go back.

Hope all are doing well.

With warmth,

Jacqui

I think that stresses in one's personal life can cause someone to question everything, including transition. It takes mental work to keep the occasional thought in perspective. The benefit of transitioning  later in life may be  that a lot of the wrestling with how your life will proceed is already done. I have no thought of going back. It is impossible in my mind. And that is really a surprise to this person who doubted they were trans enough until they were in the later 50's. I only get stressed about transition when my voice is too male or I have to cough in a quiet place with people. You know, the give away's of having had a male past.
Love you Wolfie

I don't regret starting to transition, though I've ended up at a very different destination than I thought I wanted when I began.

Thanks Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on July 12, 2018, 04:46:55 AM
I think that stresses in one's personal life can cause someone to question everything, including transition. It takes mental work to keep the occasional thought in perspective.

I agree!

And with me, personally, it's also that while I'm pre-everything (and don't really look that male yet), any tiny stressor can make me doubt myself and my true feelings on things. If I don't feel that dysphoric for a moment, it can make me think, 'is it that bad after all?' Or like I already said, with that name change and support and all... it can seem almost like transitioning further isn't needed  !

And any moment of stress or anxiety can again stir up those thoughts of, 'am I really trans?!'

I think also having no support or living in hostile environment can play a role and make you unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Also I've been personally living in this mental limbo for so long that..... yeah it plays tricks on my sanity sometimes! And makes me question my choices and feelings and what I truly want out of life.

If you got a massive relief from small things already you probably will feel even better about the major steps like HRT and body changes.

There isn't a single thing I'm not happy with so far, regards what T has done and the surgeon has. Things I'm not so chill about are things nobody could ever do much with anyway, like height. I don't care about that all that much anyway. If you have a force of personality and stay true to yourself it doesn't matter. And nobody else cares about things like that in the long run either.

I had most of my doubts at the beginning because I was skeptical T would do anything. Safe to say that was unfounded fear. The stuff transformed me in a few months inside and out. The only thing I had to wait all that patiently for was the voice and the surgeon really. I'm sure when you get on HRT it will allay most of your anxiety.