Ever since I came out as trans, I thought I was a gay man, I've wanted to be one when I was growing up, it's what I connected with and wished that I could just be. But I started T about 2 months ago and my sex drive went up... and I ended up with an attraction to women on my hands. Now, I've had a past with women, I've dated two girls and had maybe been attracted to no more than 5 in my life. Guys? I probably will end up sitting until the morning, remembering every guy I've had a crush on and everything, I've also dated more guys and been involved with.

The problem is that I don't want this. I have a terrible history of abuse from women and transphobia. I'm not saying that all my transphobic and abuse encounters were from women, but the most violent ones were. There's many things I can't forgive some women for. A few women destroyed my education for quite a few years, making me lose confidence in my studies to this day. I've been heavily emotionally abused by female relatives, which I don't even want to go into.

I don't like the dynamics with women. I've tried, but I've also talked to my therapist about it briefly and he said that the more I suppress my attraction the worse it'll be. I understand and agree with that, but it simply doesn't erase the fact that I don't want it. That's it. I don't. I want them to stay away from me. I've had every possible transphobic encounter with them to a recent one where a classmate would sit desks away from me after being lovely to me with just from finding out that I'm trans, as if I'm some contagious thing.

My last ex, which I decided to go ahead with was a trans woman who catfished me on Grindr and through the course of our entire relationship misgendered me heavily and was disgusted to me to the extent of never telling anyone about me. I went ahead, because we clicked and I thought that well... I can't be closed-minded. Attraction is above sexuality in my book. I heavily regret that.

I don't like the dynamics.

The last straw which made me realize that I was trans and gay was an ex from many years ago, who was terrible to me. She was also transphobic, but it was before I knew who I was. I've went through every possible label through my entire life in regards to sexuality. But I never went with something as long as gay. I don't want to lose it because of attraction to a gender which heavily abused me. I feel like this is some sick joke. I also understand that I have some heavily internalized fear of straight people, anything straight because I'm Russian and that speaks for itself.

I feel like a traitor for being gay for so long and now just giving that up, because I happen to swing that way as well. I have awful internalized biphobia as well, even if I understand that I'm queer by the looks of it. I never understood so many things about the male/female dynamic and I just went all like... you do you, I'll do me. But now, I'm in the same pot, kinda.

I don't want to be some ally or someone who will just forget the struggles of gay Russian men if I find a female partner, I don't want to be discarded. I don't want to be muted by myself and my own desires, which I don't want consciously.

It's so bad that it's spilling onto my gender as well. If I want to be a gay man but I'm not one... what about my gender? I'm surely not female, but what if I'm non-binary or queer gender-wise as well? How can I even trust myself, when this is happening beyond my control?

Attraction is one thing, acting on it is another. Technically bisexual myself but due to similar reservations about women when it comes to letting them 'in', I've never got into a proper relationship with one or wanted to involve myself with the dynamic. The male-female dynamic doesn't appeal to me - I can't be someone's woman and I don't really want someone to be mine.

I consider myself for all intent and purposes gay; most people who know about my 'living arrangements' do, so there it is. I wouldn't worry about it unless the situation actually presents itself where you are facing a situation with being involved with women. If more goes against doing it than seem to be calling for it, then don't. It'll mess with your head afterwards.

Being bisexual doesn't interfere with my identity. But it might be different for you, it sounds like you need more time to figure it out. T nearly always raises sex drive for most people, and I find it does make one more attracted to women superficially. I'm able to separate superficial attraction from other kinds, and not interested in superficial attractions. They can be entertaining, but probably not worth getting deeply involved with if you have something in you that absolutely prefers the male dynamic. 

I prefer the male dynamic by far and I really need to start working on letting go of the past, somehow. I'll talk to my therapist about it next time, just that I needed to vent and let it all out on paper, or screen rather. But you're right about T raising the attraction, frankly, it's more like I get terribly turned on all the time, so watching the same thing over and over again got boring I guess or something clicked in me, I don't know. Regardless, thank you so much for your reply!

Just about everyone is attracted to both sexes to some degree, if they are honest with themselves. T is powerful stuff. It increases your sex drive in sort of a generic way, and doesn't steer your sexual orientation one way or the other. It may raise your consciousness of impulses that may have lain submerged under your dominant tendencies, and promote physiological responses to sexual fantasy, but it doesn't change who you are at your core. Don't worry so much about what box you belong in, and focus more on who you are. Live in the moment and follow your heart, wherever and to whomever it leads you. It is, as you say, beyond your control. Find someone who makes you happy, and don't worry so much about their standard equipment. My partner can't be everything to me, but I love them, there is mutual attraction, and we make each other happy. They do not define what I am, but they complement who I am. I wish the same for you.

I've struggled with my own sexuality for many years. I figured I was bisexual when I was 15 after I got a crush on a girl for the first the time. But then I never got any interest for any other girl for many years. In total I've only been into maybe 3-4 girls and more guys than I can count. I came out as ftm at 19 and then I dithered between thinking I was gay and bisexual, on and off, unable to tell if I was really into women or not, but always known I'm clearly into men. A couple of years ago I told myself that no I'm turned off by women and I'm really a gay man.

I detransitioned now at 29 cause I realised I was never really trans and that was partially due to trauma and partially due to some milder form of internalised misogyny. With me realising that my attraction to women is starting to re-surface again but I'm still not sure if I'm a bi or straight woman. For the time being I call myself "more or less straight."

I might be able to call it a form of internalised homophobia, or lesbophobia specifically. There's something about the female-female dynamic that rubs me the wrong way, but I recognise it's just within myself and not something I hold others against.

I've been abused by women too, through bullying and sexual assault. I've been abused more by men but I feel safer around them. Because with women there is an extra weight that I carry: I once sexually assaulted another girl, when I was still a young girl myself, age 9. Too young to know I even did something wrong. That traumatised me even though I was the perpetrator. Cause it wasn't just any girl, but someone I knew and was close to, and to pour even more salt in that wound she's family so I'm still in close contact with her, but never felt able to talk about it or process it. And I'm pretty sure that the massive weight of that stone in me is why I have such a hard time putting myself in a consensual female-female sexual relationship.

It also doesn't help that much of society tends to more or less "erase" female on female sexual abuse as though it somehow doesn't even exist. It has made me trivialise it, and feel very confused about what actually happened and how it's affected me over the years.

I'm pretty sure that I've been "blocking out" most of my attraction to other women, because I'm too scared of going there. Not sure if I think the history would repeat itself one way or the other if I'd dare to pursue dating women, but it's a painful reminder of that past nonetheless. But I think it's possible that if I work through my traumas I might notice my attraction for women growing stronger and I might start seeing it as less of a threat. I hope so.

My issues are a bit different from yours seeing as I detransitioned which kinda puts another spin on it, but I think at the core my sexuality issue is really just about my trauma and how that messed me up, and I'm mostly focusing on the core here. I'm not saying all of this applies to you, just to clarify. I recognise that my own reaction to my attraction to women is somewhat similar to how it is for you, but you may come to a different conclusion than I did.

With that very long ramble, my point is I think maybe similarly for you, that your trauma might make you see your attraction to women as a threat as well. If it is an actual threat? Well no it's not, but I understand that your personal experiences have told you otherwise. And it seems to me that your brain has a similar defense mechanism installed as my brain has. But my course of action is try to uninstall that and sort out my fears. If I'm not actually straight but in fact bisexual, then so be it. And if I'll fall for a woman and it's mutual, I don't want for my fears to prevent me from taking that chance. Whether blocking out an attraction to a gender is a good idea or not... well, I'd say it can work out, but it's probably not the best course of action in the long run. It's probably rather likely to add more weight to the burden instead of lightening it.

My advice would be to focus on working through your trauma and fears in general, and when you start getting closer to a point of being more grounded/connected within yourself and trust yourself and others more, I think your sexuality will reveal itself and that it'll be easier for you to accept it for whatever it happens to be.

One of the few advantages of age is that you end up spanning multiple cultures. I am old enough that I remember life before the sexual revolution and some of the lessons of that age still apply today. Having a relationship breakup and one partner badmouthing the other is nothing new and took place well before the internet. It normally was referred to as poisoning a friend, family or work place against the person.

The best way to prevent it is an old style courtship and becoming friends before becoming lovers. Courtships would last a year or longer while both partners go to know each other. Sex and living together wasn't done primarily because birth control was somewhat limited however it also proved fidelity to the relationship. If things weren't working, the relationship could break up and neither partner would be would feel a serious loss because the relationship hadn't reached the state of being lovers.

If your willing to approach it slowly and you can find a partner who is willing to do the same, I suspect you can build a lasting relationship that both of you are comfortable with. It isn't easy in a society where instant gratification is common but there is still something to be said for the old ways.

I was kind of in the opposite direction as you - I identified as straight, and only after starting T realised an attraction to men. I had all the opposite problems as you -  fear of men, abuse from men, transphobia from men, not liking the male/male dynamics, way more crushes on women, etc etc.

The thing is, this is all hypothetical. You may meet a woman who is perfect and sweet and not what you experienced in the past and fall in love with her - if she is anything else, then you should not be with her in the first place. From everything you've said it seems far more likely that you will end up with a man. I realise there is comfort in labels but it seems to me that this is something of a 'cross that bridge when you get to it' kind of thing. If it is at all possible to put it from your mind, that's what I'd do. If calling yourself a gay man gives you comfort, I really don't see anything massively wrong with that.

I still introduce myself as and conduct myself as a heterosexual man, even though I know I am bisexual, because in reality I know that despite physical attraction I never want to actually date or have sex with a man.