I was spending some time thinking through where I am now...I have been transitioning for over 3 years and I never thought I would make it far without "losing it"!  When I started socially transitioning again, I thought that things would go the way that they had gone before.

I find things going so smoothly that sometimes I feel something has to be wrong!  My therapist has said that I am one of her patients that is having an "easy transition" and I am grateful for that, but it is not really that simple.  I am having an easier time of things this time, but I am starting to realize that is only because of the really rough times I have already been through.  I had compartmentalized my overall experience and was only focusing on the current effort.

As thing fall in to place ahead my my next step, those things that were safely tucked away out of mind are coming back in.  Some of the internalized shame I held for so long is here...causing me to question my decisions and the results and future plans.While I was able to keep that all at bay for a long while, I still get to face it as those have been my feelings at thoughts for a long while.

HRT and hard work have delivered me to this spot, I am perceived female.  It is rarely questioned and almost never a thought.  I am who I am inside and that translates to the outside.  I have a few dangly parts that I am now focused on transforming, but I have arrived at the point that I could feel swirling in front of me off at an unmeasured distance when I was a child.

It is now my time to start the surgical aspect of my transition and it feels like so much has started over again.  Somehow this push feels like a conclusion, though I guess we are always in transition...once SRS is behind me I feel like I will finally be able to look at myself finally as a complete woman for the first time.  I see pictures with clothes and I see the woman that is me.  I feel like I will finally see it at all moments of my life, for the first time!

Having heard the term "magical thinking", I am checking to see if that is what this is.  It does not feel delusional or anything...it just feels like a completion to a major stage of my life and the true release to me being truly and wholly me.

This is just be rambling a bit.  Thank you all!

@kaitylynn
Hello Kaitylynn:  Thank you for posting your transition journey update... I am happy to hear that you never did "lose it"... and now that you are at the point of your surgical aspect of transition, I am certain that you feel that everything is starting all over again for you.  I am looking very much for your updates regarding your continued transition journey.  It does help to write about your disappointments, your failures, your successes and reaching your goals. 

Like you, I also am past the 3 year mark.  I started HRT when I was 35 years old in March 2015 and went Full-Time in December 2016, a year and a half ago.  I suppose that I also had an "easy" transition.   I started out as a 5'4" male in high school and in college, no bulk, no muscles, longish blonde hair, a soft girlish face and a voice to match so in my early 30's I decided in earnest to transition.  Even before I came out Full-Time I could easily pass with few exceptions.

Please keep us all up to date and no worries about your "rambling"  ....  it helps to clear your mind.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Thank you Danielle!  It is sometimes just amazing to be here and I look at how far I have come and then see a long road off into the distance.  Have been here before, but feels like now there is a real destination and that is definitely a fresh perspective.

I cannot believe that the work is actually paying off I guess.

I truly appreciate everyone around me

Second laser clearing of groin area this morning.  Will be seeing my primary therapist mid month and have scheduled with my 2nd therapist on the third of July.  Still moving!

Had a great session with my therapist and outlined an attainable set of goals this afternoon.  She is writing a letter for the insurance company.  This will allow me to work within the WPATH guidelines with them!  Fingers crossed.

BA (2018) Trying to get this done in the next few months.
FFS (2019)
GRS (2021)
VFS (2021) (if needed)

It feels good to have something like a plan with a timeline. 

Have my BA consult, July 10th!  They said they are booked out by about a month...that would be August.  Perfect for the holidays!!!

Quote from: kaitylynn on June 18, 2018, 11:01:05 PM
Have my BA consult, July 10th!  They said they are booked out by about a month...that would be August.  Perfect for the holidays!!!

@kaitylynn
Dear Kaity:   Wow-whee.... so good to read about all of your flurry of good news updates this last 3 weeks!!!  Your exciting journey is continuing with a crescendo with your upcoming BA.   
Then onto new heights with your other transition goals of FFS and GRS... and after that perhaps VFS ...

Well, hang on, it  appears that you will be "required" to be on the forums for at least 3 or 4 more years to keep your followers and readers updated...
.... and you know the rules here... "Pictures or it didn't happen!!"

Thank you for your updates, please keep them coming.  Your readers want to know and to celebrate with you.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

LOL, thanx Danielle!!!  Been here a while and enjoy it, so 5 years more will be easy

It has been pretty crazy.  It is just realizing that my next phase of transition has arrived and that is the surgical part...it seemed so far away even a year ago.  For all the stress of transition, I can say this for sure...best decision I ever made for myself so far

How have you been?

Goodluck on your journey

Quote from: kaitylynn on June 19, 2018, 05:23:27 PM
LOL, thanx Danielle!!!  Been here a while and enjoy it, so 5 years more will be easy

It has been pretty crazy.  It is just realizing that my next phase of transition has arrived and that is the surgical part...it seemed so far away even a year ago.  For all the stress of transition, I can say this for sure...best decision I ever made for myself so far

How have you been?

Dear Kaity: Well, I am certainly very much excited for you and your upcoming events in your transition journey.   Yes, time creeps up on us... what had seemed so far in the future for you is now knocking at your door.

For me, I am a very happy camper... very busy with my self-empoyed business matters, a busy social life with my local gym-group and my local book club.... and of course I am always busy here on the Susan's Forums on many of the various threads posting my replies.

If you have not already checked out 3 of my threads to see what I have been up to, this would be a good way to answer the question that you posed to me "How have you been?"   
Please let me know if you can't find them....
      I am the HUNTED PREY :  Danielle's Chronicles
        Positive Mindset... put away negativity
          Susans Writers and Book Readers

Hugs and well wishes as you continue your exciting journey.
Danielle

Quote from: anastasialea on June 19, 2018, 05:34:46 PM
Goodluck on your journey

Thank you very much!

Kaity

Clearly you have a plan. You are a well organized girl.

I hope you have BA later this year and wish you many future successes.

Hugs

Pamela

Quote from: pamelatransuk on June 21, 2018, 03:46:22 AM
Kaity

Clearly you have a plan. You are a well organized girl.

I hope you have BA later this year and wish you many future successes.

Hugs

Pamela

Thanks Pamela!  Have had a few decades to work on all of this.  Still pinch myself to make sure it is not a dream! 

Update, had my first surgical consult for breast augmentation and liposuction.  We came up with a rough plan and now we wait for the insurance submittal to go through for pre-auth.

My therapist originally wrote my referral letter last year and I asked if she could update it to make it more current.  She agreed and then it got put onto a back burner as she was preparing to attend a big conference.  She is finishing it up this evening, though really the current would likely be fine.  My medical record has clearly stated that I am a transgender patient since 2015 and the scheduling nurse at the facility said that would likely be enough.

This is an exciting step as this will be the gateway surgery to get that phase started!

Hope everyone has a fabulous day!

Nice to hear such wonderful news, Kaity.

Good luck with the pre-auth.

Hugs

Pamela

Awesome Kaity!  A great step forward. 

Date set, August 27th!  Have pre-op on the 14th and then it is a few weeks till DD day!

I have been doing a lot of looking back to see how my transition has wound its way throughout every facet of my life so far.  When I started HRT again in 2015, this point seemed so very far off into the future...and yet suddenly I find that I have arrived to this step.

I am so so happy for you, Katie.

Sending my love to you

Pamela

Thanks Pamela!  I am in awesome company <3

And thank you Briana!  A pretty big step, for sure!  I have sort of taken my time to get to this point.  I have studied myself closely to make sure that this is truly fulfilling me.  Finding that it is indeed me, to quote Ashley...Onward we go!

Just got back from my division's monthly corp meeting.  Spoke with my boss about healing time needed and gave him details and dates.  It is awesome to have such a great company behind me!  He let me know that he had already worked everything out and he would approve my extended vacay request as soon as I submit it!

Getting excited for my BA pre-op appointment Tuesday.  A few short weeks later and I will be on the table.  It was a few months off a few days ago...or at least it feels that way.