This week my voice had a little bit more vocal power. It is still very low and hoarse but a slight improvement. There were a few instances when I voiced a surprise sound and I was very high in pitch. Each time a guy or two laughed. It felt really good.

I think I will hike tomorrow morning, shower then go to my ex's to install a bike rack in her garage for our daughter.

I had thermolysis electrolysis tonight. I could only take 45 minutes. I took 3 Motrin and used prescription numbing cream. I think the over the counter Super Numb is better than the prescription numbing cream.

I feel better this week. The slight improvement in my voice gives me hope. That and Dena's glottoplasty recovery timetable. Thanks Dena.

Anyhow, last week I went to the Raven in New Hope for socialization. There were a lot of guys there but none interested in a trans woman. This weekend I may go to the fireworks in Philly.

Surgeries

I could do the following under insurance:

Hair graft, my hair is doing well so I do not know about that.
BA (#2), I do not know about increasing size and the pain and recovery for how much gain? Hold that thought.
Vaginal tattooing, ouch, I will ask when I am having the 4 hour face electrolysis at Papillion.

Things I may do but not covered under insurance:

India for fat removal in the tummy and obliques. Definite maybe.
Buccal fat removal and face tightening in India. I get told a lot I look like Gina Davis, is that good? Anyhow a young Gina Davis is better than an old Gina Davis.

One thing for sure I am done with surgeries for a while.

I still have not booked anything at the shore. I need to do that.

I saw my therapist yesterday (she was on vacation last week). She asked about the shore and we talked about it. We talked about a theme in my life about self image and taking on being just me at the shore. We discussed trying on the bathing suites I purchased last year. I will do that this weekend and I will book a place for two or three nights. I will most likely be lonely but better to be lonely at the shore at poodle beach with beautiful guys all around.

I did not go to group Thursday. I really need to go to group and see my friends. It had been 8 weeks since I went to group. My voice is a little stronger and a little less hoarse so I think I will go next week. I have come to the realization I am pretty much done my transition and do not need to go to group.

I am not depressed now. The weak voice and hoarse voice was an issue that was tough to deal with. I did not realize how difficult it would be. I especially do not appreciate people mimicking or saying mean things because my voice is hoarse and week. 4 people at work made it a joke but I stood up to them.

My voice expectations were much higher than the reality I am faced with. Although, my voice is less hoarse and stronger so there is light at the end of the tunnel. I definitely like how it sounds when I sneeze and cough now. Also, when caught by surprise my pitch goes really high .

Hiking tomorrow

So glad for you Rachel, as I said the other day this road is bumpy at times and still the progress trend is way positive :-)

Enjoy your hike! I'll be going out for a bike tomorrow, having finally put my lovely road bike back into operating shape.

Hi Sadie, I hope your ride was good. I need to fix my mountain bike . I broke it going on a too great of an incline. The gears slip on lower gears.
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So I was outed today at work. A new employee was escorted around the different offices and introduced. When the office manager introduced me to the new employee everything was going well. We were discussing what her thoughts were and just discussing the duties I am responsible for and general stuff. Then the office manager told her I am trans. The woman's mouth literally opened. I covered by just smiling and inside I felt betrayed.

I want to address it but a part of me realizes that so many people know that it is a waste of time and emotion. How can I say you know xyz did not know I was trans and telling her is not right or was not right. I would never share her personal information with another person.

Not a huge issue but one that will Always be there. I guess trans is how some people think of me.

Quote from: Rachel on July 09, 2018, 08:08:34 PM
How can I say you know xyz did not know I was trans and telling her is not right or was not right. I would never share her personal information with another person.

Some people are clueless.  They will remain clueless until someone gives tham a clue.  Usually, that someone has to be us.

I would just tell tham: "It's really not cool telling new people that I am trans.  I know everyone else already knows, because they were here when it happened, but new people don't need to know."  If you are uncomfortable talking to the office manager directly, perhaps you could go through HR.

I was outed accidentally on social media.  I was then teased on a call by the guy saying my name a few different ways in feminine form and saying it with a question sound.  It haunts me.  I have to work with the guy and he is a good friend.  We haven't really talked about it. 

My advice is to get a thick skin and realize these people care about you but sometimes they say things that will be insensitive.  Another friend told a waitress "she as never been here before" while I was ordering lunch in boy mode. The girl looked at me like wow, I just flicked him off and played it off.

Here you could report him to the police as it's a crime to out someone if you know about them because of your job.  Even if that isn't how they know, you could call it a "hate incident".

I was thinking a suitable reply might be - to the new person - "He doesn't like me because I won't have sex with him".

Quote from: Rachel on July 09, 2018, 08:08:34 PM
Hi Sadie, I hope your ride was good. I need to fix my mountain bike . I broke it going on a too great of an incline. The gears slip on lower gears.
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So I was outed today at work. A new employee was escorted around the different offices and introduced. When the office manager introduced me to the new employee everything was going well. We were discussing what her thoughts were and just discussing the duties I am responsible for and general stuff. Then the office manager told her I am trans. The woman's mouth literally opened. I covered by just smiling and inside I felt betrayed.

I want to address it but a part of me realizes that so many people know that it is a waste of time and emotion. How can I say you know xyz did not know I was trans and telling her is not right or was not right. I would never share her personal information with another person.

Not a huge issue but one that will Always be there. I guess trans is how some people think of me.

I think we can't avoid gossip, people will find out that way. But to make it part of someone's onboarding to a new company is not only rude but super unprofessional. You don't go around telling new employees what the old employees are up to as part of the introduction "Oh Keith over there, divorced and alcoholic, Jenna is a lesbian, Mariah was promoted because she sleeps with the boss, and Rachel is trans". You should report the incident to HR.

Hi KathyLauren, I agree some people are clueless. I am going to have a chat with the office manager (she is female). Thanks for the support.

Hi LaserGirl, I agree a thicker skin is essential. I am sorry you were outed on social media and others thought it was ok to out you as well. Thanks you for your support.

Hi Mary, it sounds like England has some strict rules. Here we are losing ground every day with the current president. The office manager is female. Where I work it is 90% female with a huge amount of LGBT or alleys. The good news was the new person has been really nice and receptive and that is very cool. I will have a chat with the office manager. Thanks you for your support.

Hi Charlie Nicki, I agree with you it is very unprofessional. I think I may discuss it in general terms with HR. Something to do with onboarding new employees. Managers where I work have an annual educational module that could include something to cover what happened and list the examples your mentioned. Thanks you for your support.
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So I went to New Hope tonight for dinner. Then some ice cream for desert. I was out and about but did not talk to anyone. There is a bar where a lot of the people ride bikes across from Havana. I think I will go there next time.

I guess I could go to a bar or two in the gayborhood in Philly. I have avoided them so far but I think I will go there next weekend.

My goal is to meet a few guys and flirt.

I really need to rent a motel room in Rehoboth beach (tomorrow I will make a reservation) and try on my bathing suits.

I have been reading a new book. It is called Placebo Effect. I wish I read this book at the start of my transition. It does not offer any trans information. It does explain a lot about brain pathways and how to change them and reinforce new pathways.

I hiked 5 miles with a 60 pound pack this morning. I feel pretty good today. I did not meet anyone but I had fun and I enjoyed myself. I am taking my ex out to dinner tomorrow. Although she and our daughter live together and have each other for company she would enjoy eating out with me. Odd how when I was having fun today I thought of her and that I should call and see if she wanted to eat dinner out tomorrow.

I tend to avoid gay neighbourhoods.  I visited one with another girl a couple of weeks ago, and that's the only time we have received verbal abuse.  I wouldn't be able to flirt with a man there as I'm not a gay man.  I've joined a couple of dating sites, but at my age I don't have much chance.

Hi Mary, I joined Match.com. I am shy to e-mail a guy and those guys the e-mailed me are an hour or more drive away. I guess I could put a real effort into the site but most that e-mail I get is very to the point with something like lets go to a movie in the first paragraph. How do I now if they would be safe?

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Voice,

I had a procedure called the cricoid thyroid subluxation . My HZ went from 130/135 to 170/175. My range was plus 20 HZ.  I was not satisfied. So I had the same doctor do a glottoplasty. My HZ was at 360/380 to 480 and higher after the rest period of one week. I have a super low vocal power. Fast forward 2 months 4 days and My pitch is 320/330 to 480 and higher. I have more vocal power but my vocal power I would rate at 15 to 20% original vocal power with a too high of a pitch.

So I get bummed out about my progress. There has been progress but it is very slow. I see the doctor in September. That will be the 3.5 month mark. At 3.5 months if I am not satisfied I will be looking for another doctor to evaluate my voice at the 6 month mark. I am thinking Dr. Thomas. I am just lining up my options. I will evaluate my voice at the 3.5 month mark and if I see improvement I will reevaluate it at the 6 month mark. If I regain 40 to 50% vocal power and my pitch is below 280 hz then I will give it more time.

In my head I feel the pitch is fine but the HZ is too high. I still find myself squeezing and elevating my throat at times. I must speak without any squeezing or elevation to head voice. It is hard to unlearn a behavior.

Some good with the voice.

When I sneeze it is a girls sneeze. When I cough it is a girls cough. 

Some bad with the voice.

I have been made fun of five times at work. These are from people that know me. Over the radio I was made fun of twice. There are about 100 people on that channel.

I get several (7 or times a day someone will say what happened to your voice or you poor thing I hope you feel better.

I was at a meeting with clinical professionals and I was asked flat out, what happened to your voice? I said I had a glottoplasty. There was no comment. 

So sometimes I get down. When that happens I think of a few things. One, how people with disabilities are treated. I feel compassion for them. Two, I say to myself I have had improvement and I will get more improvement and I need to be patient. Three, if I do not have satisfactory results I will consult with another medical professional. Four, I think I have been through worse and this too shall pass. Sometimes I get emotional.

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Something completely different.

I tried on my bathing suit. It fits and looks nice. My anterior GCS scars that hyper pigmented is very visible with the bathing suit on. My posterior GCS revision scars can not be seen They had no hyper pigmentation. I have no Idea why the first set of scars hyper pigmentated (Dr. McGinn has no idea why it happened either). Anyhow, the bathing suite looks nice. I have a very short pair of shorts I can wear to the beach and take them off when I am settled. All I need to do is rent a room before 3 PM tomorrow.

I think a guy who wants to take you somewhere dark and unprotected straight away is more than dodgy!

Most of the (rather few) guys who have responded to me are looking for someone within 500 miles of their home, and are between 8 and 13 hours flying time from here.  You seem to be doing better than I am!

Hey!!!

One of the hardest things for me to realize after I transitioned was that everyone I met saw me as a woman, NOT and Trans-woman.  Rachel,  you are a woman.  Why do you go to gay bars?  Those guys like men and male genitalia.  You are not a man, you are a woman.  Social adjustment is hard.  Try to go out with some cis-women. 
 
Hugs,

Jen

Hi Mary, I live in the Philadelphia area and there are millions of people in a short distance. However, the drive time is anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes. Yes, guys that in the same first paragraph that introduce themselves and also ask me out to a movie I think are just looking for a hookup. Maybe I am being too protective.
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The Bar-B-Q
I was invited to a cookout today. These are woman I meet at a trans meetup about 4 months ago. It was nice and the people were very friendly. I do not drink or smoke dope anymore but it was very very tempting. When someone passes you a pipe or passes out edibles it is difficult to resist. But resist I did. There were several bottles of whisky there, I looked and looked but did not take any.

  I was lonely there. I miss my ex and daughter. I had some dark thoughts while smiling and making small talk (or whispering). Two woman were discussing future GCS and how they are intersexed. I did not join in or share . I do not feel comfortable sharing with strangers; although, I have shared my history here. Why share it? I hated every second of every minute having what I had and the way it was configured. I swear it was man made. When I had the operation at 12 I could finally pee. When I had GCS I found out it had been still majorly restricted. Now when I pee it is fantastic, quick and I fully empty my bladder. Before the operation when I was 12 it hurt and took so long to pee. It was so small too.  The one thing I was so concerned about when I had revision surgery was would my urethra get obstructed. When my micro was removed the urethra that was obstructed was also removed.

When Dr. McGinn took the small penile ring and held it up with tweezers and said puny, it had no vascular support, I did not think it could survive and than tossed it in the trash, was taking a huge hardship I was forced to deal with and was ashamed of and hated and threw it away. It was an incredible act of kindness. It is a moment I will never forget. She also said everything about my anatomy is unique and that I am intersexed. She said that in front of my sister who was watching her finish the GCS in her office a week after the operation. My first GCS was a mess. Dr. McGinn did a great job. The revision 1 year later really made things look and function so much better.

I have been so emotional today. I am on day 9 of my injection cycle and I think when my E drops I get emotional. It seams to be a pattern. Dark thoughts and feelings tend to seep in the last 1/3 of my E cycle.
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Aetna
So one of my Aetna therapists wants me to write things that are good about myself in a journal right before bed each night. I could write for hours negative things but I cannot find good things to write. It is really tough.

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The shore
I think I will probably be alone the rest of my life. I asked my ex if she wanted to go down the shore with me and she declined. I asked my daughter and she declined. I thought about going down the shore alone and I think that has been the reason I have not made the reservation. I think it will be so incredibly lonely. I do not think I can be on a beach by myself all day then eat alone then go to a motel room and be alone. Only to repeat the process several days. I use to love going into the water with my daughter and walking the boards with my family. Eating out was so much fun.
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Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure I will feel better.

I do have questions for my Thursday therapist. Why do I want to find a guy? Is it to find happiness? Is it because I am lonely? Why do I hate to be alone? Why do I resist new things like going to the beach alone? Why did I feel alone at the Bar-B-Q?

Hi Jen,

Thanks, for your support and advise.

I thought there could be some Bi guys at a Gay bar. Nope.

I think you may be right, guys may see me as a female and I may be misreading or jumping to a conclusion.

There is a local single meet up place near me. If is for people in my age range and very popular. I may stop in there and see how it goes. Worse case I could get some diet soda and some appetizers.

Thanks.

Re this: 
"The shore
I think I will probably be alone the rest of my life. I asked my ex if she wanted to go down the shore with me and she declined. I asked my daughter and she declined. I thought about going down the shore alone and I think that has been the reason I have not made the reservation. I think it will be so incredibly lonely. I do not think I can be on a beach by myself all day then eat alone then go to a motel room and be alone. Only to repeat the process several days. I use to love going into the water with my daughter and walking the boards with my family. Eating out was so much fun."

As hard as it is to consider Rachel, it seems your ex-wife and daughter have moved on from a close relationship with you.  This is sad but also their choice, and in my opinion their loss.  You can live in the past or look towards the future, your future.  I have read your post for the time you've started writing and whether you realized it or not this is the time you have been working towards; to be the person you have dreamed of being and living that life.  It is sad your ex chooses not to be there but nothing is holding you back now, except yourself.  Set Rachel free and live the life you want.  Be cautious but not afraid.  Nothing ventured is nothing gained.   

All my best, Judi

Thank you Judi, I know you and Jen are right. I need to get out and do things where I can have exposure to people that do things I like to do. So if I or we strike up a conversation we have things in common.

The car
So the neighbor down the street buys and sells cars as a hobby. He is a connector and he works all over Bucks county. People tell him when there are unusual cars for sale. He had a 1999 30th anniversary Trans Am ( there were 1600 made and is the official Daytona 500 model). It has upgrades with the exhaust and shift. I always wanted a firebird but the 30th anniversary trans am is rare. He sold it to me. I changed the air filter, oil, plugs. spark plug wires, flushed the radiator and changed the rear fluid. All that is left is the transmission oil and filter to be changed. None of the fluids or plugs or wires or even air filter were ever changed. The car is very powerful and runs very smooth.

So I am learning a manual transmission. I have about 100 miles on it and am doing well with the manual transmission.

Every time I take it out for a 3 or 4 mile learning session at least one or two guy revs up their car and wants to race.

My thought is I can take it to car shows or weekend drives. On the weekend there are a lot of really nice old cars that drive Main Street in New Hope. When I drive it around different neighborhoods guys turn around and look at the car. So I am hoping to use the car as a conversation piece. Also, I got the car and after I get it in correct order I could always sell it and make a good profit.

My ex said it is not a very feminine activity. I am a Mechanical Engineer and love mechanical devices.

So I was wondering if anyone had any comments? Should I sell the car or use it as a conversation starter?

Rachel, have fun with it! If you find it not to be fun, sell it. It is a huge plus to try new things especially when it could lead to meeting new and maybe interesting people. Who cares if it is traditionally feminine or not? I think it is a great idea.

I was highly embarrassed when I was hired my first day as an auto mechanic. I was told to go pull 'that car' into the shop. After multiple attempts in front of its owner to move this car with the manual transmission, the writer finally pulled it in. That weekend, guess who taught me to drive a stick? My female neighbor was nice enough to do it. It makes me cringe to this day having to get out of that car and watch someone else drive it in. lol
Monica

Quote from: Rachel on July 22, 2018, 04:21:31 PM

Every time I take it out for a 3 or 4 mile learning session at least one or two guy revs up their car and wants to race.

My thought is I can take it to car shows or weekend drives. On the weekend there are a lot of really nice old cars that drive Main Street in New Hope. When I drive it around different neighborhoods guys turn around and look at the car. So I am hoping to use the car as a conversation piece.

I have a 2012 Chrysler SRT8 with the 475 hp 6.4 liter - Black on Black on Black. People come up to talk with me often. What you are proposing can work.  Be yourself, smile, don't brag, listen with interest to them, be supportive and smile some more....mention you like to go fast and repeat.  Leave off that you are an engineer for a while...

Hugs,

Jen

Quote from: Rachel on July 22, 2018, 04:21:31 PM
My ex said it is not a very feminine activity. I am a Mechanical Engineer and love mechanical devices.

So I was wondering if anyone had any comments? Should I sell the car or use it as a conversation starter?

If you like the car, keep it and have fun with it.  Life is too short to worry about someone else's pigeonholes.