I came out to my husband last year.  He was OK with it from the start, and has grown even more OK with it as months have passed.  He's my #1 supporter.  No hints of that ever changing.  But... ugh.... I told my family this week and my parents are really upset.

But part of me is thinking, wondering:  Why does this feel so tragic in some people's eyes?  I'm curious:  In what way does this affect the entire family???  Meaning:  I'm middle-aged; my husband is fine with what's going on (he had been my biggest concern); we have no kids; my parents are in their 60s......

What am I missing?  Why is this so devastating to families?  Sometimes it feels as though everyone is more worried about themselves than they are the person who's transitioning.  Throughout all of my "coming out" to my family this week, NOT ONE PERSON has asked me how I'm doing.

It's sad that it has to be this way -- sad that society isn't more tolerant.  Why can't news like this be neutral, not a huge deal?  If the situation were reversed and someone were coming out to me, I'd be fine, and would love them just the same.  But, hey, that's just me. 

Sometimes it feels as though everyone is more worried about themselves than they are the person who's transitioning.

I think that's true for most, if not all, things.  I think the first thing most people think when being presented with new information - no matter on what - is "How does this effect me?"  followed quickly by (in my case at least) "Why should I care?"  And that's been my reaction to a lot of things, a very polite "how nice for you" but not much beyond that.

sad that society isn't more tolerant  But we're not talking about 'society' here, we're talking family, which is different.  Society may well be, or be becoming more tolerant -but such social acceptance does not equate to inter-family stuff.  "Not with my sister" or "Not in my backyard" kind of stuff.

And if its not a 'huge deal' what the reason for telling them to begin with? 

sad that society isn't more tolerant 

QuoteBut we're not talking about 'society' here, we're talking family, which is different.  Society may well be, or be becoming more tolerant -but such social acceptance does not equate to inter-family stuff.

Good point.  And yet, family is made up of people who make up our society.  Interesting.  I think that some people (clearly, not everyone, otherwise we wouldn't need a "coming out" section here), have indeed changed on a personal level as they witness change in society's collective opinion.  Some people are positively influenced because society's trends inspire some individuals to ponder issues and perhaps form new opinions.

QuoteAnd if its not a 'huge deal' what the reason for telling them to begin with?

Another good point!  Which is the chicken or the egg question of the day! LOL  If we knew "coming out" wouldn't be deemed earth-shattering (by some people), it wouldn't be a big deal to tell people, and around and around it goes.... 

With some of my more open-minded friends, the reason for telling them was to simply clue them in that their best buddy will be changing his shell a little.  So, with them, it didn't have a "coming out" feel at all.  It was just a friend telling friends what's up in his life.

I think people make such a big deal out of an announcement that someone they know is transitioning because our culture places so (too?) many meanings and definitions based on our gender.  That, and the fact that ignorance about transsexual people and their motivations is still rampant.

Most people never think about their gender identity either, so when someone says that theirs doesn't match their body, people get upset - you;re "upsetting the apple cart" so to speak.

Some people will come around, in time, others won't.  You can never really tell who will accept you and who won't, it seems random.  Give your family time, Benjamin, and provide them with some good information for when they are ready to look at it.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

Because crossing the Gender Divide is still one of the great Taboo's in life.

Transsexualism / GID is still very rare and there are not many people (including family) that will understand what drives us to do what we do (and why).

My own parents disowned me for several years and some of my now ex-friends couldn't handle what I was doing. Sometimes acceptance, not understanding is all we can hope for.

Buffy

I think that some people have indeed changed on a personal level as they witness change in society's collective opinion.  Some people are positively influenced because society's trends inspire some individuals to ponder issues and perhaps form new opinions.

I know that's true, I remember when the big 'whisper, whisper - I'm so shocked deal' in my family was that my cousin dated a black guy when she was in college.  Not married, just dated once or twice.  Now, several of us have Hispanic wives/GFs.  Things do change.  However, what is acceptable in society still may not be OK in the family.  In the same way that most rational people think there should be more treatment centers for drug abuse, but still don't want it built next door.

Its also a huge thing I think, and it takes people a while to figure it out.  Even if they accepted it in theory, its different when they are confronted with it.  They need time to sort out their own thoughts.

As it becomes more common, as it becomes more and more real to more and more people it will be easier to take I think, but such changes take decades (as in the above deal in my family, the difference between Ohio in the 60s and California in 2008).  The first time anyone came out to me as gay I was pretty taken aback.  The last two who did, my reaction was more one of "Duh, we all knew that, nice you figured it out."

QuoteIts also a huge thing I think, and it takes people a while to figure it out.  Even if they accepted it in theory, its different when they are confronted with it.  They need time to sort out their own thoughts.

OK, now that's the part that confuses me.  What type of thoughts do they need to sort out?

I guess my "wiring" is atypical, because I'm truly baffled by the amount of time it takes some people to be OK about each other's differences.  I'm not judging people's reactions... I am simply truly confused.   

When a friend or family member tells me something big going on in their life, I usually listen to what they have to say, and then it's like, "OK, I'm with you.  Go for it!" 

Maybe I'm abnormally "simple" that way?  Or maybe it's because I don't listen with the mindset of taking it personally?  I think, in general, people personalize things more than necessary instead of accepting that some things just "are" and that it's not always about them.  If people can learn not to over-personalize things, we'd have a lot more happy people in the world.  People would be happier, and the people around them would be happier.  It's like we could all finally let each other off the hook!  What a positive cycle that would be.

Thanks, everyone, for your insightful comments.