I am feeling more and more helpless with the trans thing.  My wife has been at the coast for a week.  I will be joining her for labor day.  But I've had the run of the place for a week or so.  And other than work, I've presented en femme exclusively.  I am feeling more and more that absent some strong external pressure (and my wife's presence would count for that) I can no more refrain from dressing than I can refrain from breathing. I will shortly go to bed, peel off my leggings and t-shirt that are just oh-so-cozy to lounge around the house in, put on a nightgrown, conk out, wake up and putter around in the morning, make some coffee, check twitter, Susan's, facebook, other places, and eventually clean up and dress en femme, pretending like I'm going out to face the world, knowing that in 30 or 40 minutes I'll need to switch into male mode.  And I know it's going to make me want to cry. 

I just cannot see this ending well in terms of my marriage (my wife has made it pretty clear that she has no interest in sharing the house with an ugly woman she'd laugh at).  So weird. If you had asked me a couple of years ago, I'd have been sure I'd age into the Grandpa Simpson stage gracefully.  I guess as the saying goes, life happens while you're making other plans. 

Quote from: randim on August 30, 2018, 09:38:57 PM
I am feeling more and more helpless with the trans thing.  My wife has been at the coast for a week.  I will be joining her for labor day.  But I've had the run of the place for a week or so.  And other than work, I've presented en femme exclusively.  I am feeling more and more that absent some strong external pressure (and my wife's presence would count for that) I can no more refrain from dressing than I can refrain from breathing. I will shortly go to bed, peel off my leggings and t-shirt that are just oh-so-cozy to lounge around the house in, put on a nightgrown, conk out, wake up and putter around in the morning, make some coffee, check twitter, Susan's, facebook, other places, and eventually clean up and dress en femme, pretending like I'm going out to face the world, knowing that in 30 or 40 minutes I'll need to switch into male mode.  And I know it's going to make me want to cry.

I just cannot see this ending well in terms of my marriage (my wife has made it pretty clear that she has no interest in sharing the house with an ugly woman she'd laugh at).  So weird. If you had asked me a couple of years ago, I'd have been sure I'd age into the Grandpa Simpson stage gracefully.  I guess as the saying goes, life happens while you're making other plans.

@randim:
Dear Randim:
I feel badly for you and your delicate situation with not only your wife but also your transition emotions.

Please know that you are not alone in your situation.  You don't have to search too many threads and posts here to see that there are many other members here that are dealing with similar tough issues.

I might suggest that you start a new thread with a title more specific to your concerns so that like minded members will see your thread as something that interests others to the point that you can exchange comments on your thread with each other and perhaps share solutions.   

Please give it a try, and again be brief and specific with the subject line of your new thread.
Hugs, and good luck.  I am trusting that you will find a way to deal with these difficult issues.  I will be looking for your new thread but only if you desire to do that.
Danielle

Quote from: randim on August 30, 2018, 09:38:57 PMMy wife has been at the coast for a week.

        Randim as someone who's been "middle of the road" for a long long time I'd say work on your transition part (ie: try HRT see how you feel) and leave the crossdressing alone . . . My 'ex' can also be verbally abusive and then again there are times when she actually compliments & encourages me along.

But lol age 65 is not a good time to put an "old dog" through new "training". 

Randim, a few years ago, when I could no longer keep my girl self from the world and was contemplating
coming out  to family and friends, I was certain that they would reject me and all would be lost. As it turned out,
all my doomsday predictions were wrong and most everyone was supportive. It was very hard on my wife finding out
who I really was in life but we are still together and love each other very much. It sounds like your wife already knows
about you and is trying to come to terms with it. It will take time. My wife joined an online support group for spouses
who have had husbands/wives come out to them as trans. This has helped her.

Randim,

One of the most beneficial things to my relationship has been couples therapy, and individual therapy. Its probably the only way to sort out your emotions, and better understand someone else's feelings. Not just a requirement to start hrt, regardless of weather you would want to transition or not.

I too understand the depressing feeling when you have to go back to guy mode. Or can't wake up in girl mode because of things that are scheduled for the day. But than again the feeling of knowing there will soon be opportunity to express yourself as you really want to.

There is no wrong way to be trans* its ok to put family first. But it's absolutely critical to be honest with yourself.

This forum is full of others who have the same feelings. Your in a great place to further self exploration without judgement.

Sent from my P00A using Tapatalk

Thanks Danielle, for both the concern and the suggestion. I will work on starting a "this is my story thread" with an appropriate title.  Yes Kiera, 65 is plenty late for this.  I should have addressed this 15 or 25 years ago, but I thought I could suppress, or at worst compartmentalize it successfully.  I appear to have been spectacularly wrong about that.  I am still trying to figure out what that means at this late stage of life.  But I don't want to find some emotional sledgehammer that lets me pound it down again only to have it come to the fore when I'm 68 or 75.  I don't think it is going to go away.  I hold out hope for some sort of compromise but my feelings seem to be leaning toward some sort of transition much more than I would have dreamed possible not too long ago.  Girl mode just feels so, so, so right.

And Sarah, Kath, thanks for the support/advice. It is much appreciated.

 

I swear I posted already, but it hasn't appeared.
Randim, is there any room for compromise? Do you feel you have to be in full femme mode? My partner keeps it low key - underdressing, androgynus - but female- clothing, minimal (if any) make up. I understand how your wife feels, and I too don't want to live with a - frankly, silly-looking- old woman (he's nearly 63). He does wear leggings around the house all day (with bum padding), which I really hate, mostly because he looks like an idiot (as would a 63 year old woman dressed like that!). But in the evenings, and if we go out, he is happy to change into jeans. He swears it doesn't make him feel bad at all.
He's also been on estrogen patches for three months, and this has really reduced his need to dress. He somehow feels if he's female 'inside' (and with some breast growth) he doesn't care about the outer layer. He says it also makes him feel comfortable being a man, more than ever before. Even when he is away from home - which is a lot - he says he no longer has to dress. He also doesn't want to change his name or use female pronouns. To me, he is still my man, looks the same, acts the same etc and he is happy just being *his name* but more feminised. That helps me a lot. I know that to most transwomen, especially those here, female pronouns and a femme name are important. It may be to you. Would 'trying' HRT work for you and your wife?
Wishing you the best.
Syl

Sylvia,

Thanks for the input.  At the current time, I am very open to compromise.  The problem is my wife really isn't.  She knows I do it, but she doesn't want to see it or see any evidence of it.  Presently, I would be fine with mixing in some low-key stuff off the women's rack like shorts, jeans, sandals, belts, etc.  But I don't think she would go for that.  Maybe if she felt the choice was that or separating.  I don't know.  But the real problem is that my feelings are evolving, or become clearer, in a terrifying way, and I may not be satisfied with such a compromise down the road.  I am afraid I may end up wanting a full social transition and to live openly as a transwoman, even a profoundly unattractive, foolish-looking, grandmother-aged transwoman.  I just don't know at this time.  But if that happens, that is obviously flying the freak flag very, very high. (Passing is not the cards, I'm afraid.) If that happens, I don't think she will be along for the ride, although people are continually full of surprises.  (And yes, I do see the irony in that.)  I couldn't fault her a bit for not wanting any of it.  It wasn't what she signed up for.  The other complication is that our marriage has been basically one of convenience for a very long time.  It's hard (for both of us) to make very difficult compromises for the sake of a spouse who isn't a true soulmate. But at the same time there is real love and affection there.  I hate the thought of hurting her.  It would feel like a betrayal.  But I've sent a lifetime betraying myself, and it's done no one any good.  But who knows?  I'm trying to take it one day at a time and see what happens.

At 65, you have already given three fourths of your life to your family, your wife, children and probably in laws and friends as well if you are anything like me.

You don't owe anybody anything.  The only debt you owe is to your conscience.  If continuing to care for your wife and others is what your conscience demands, then so be it.  But if your heart needs the freedom of expressing femininity, then feel no guilt about following your heart.

I held out until both of my children had finished law school, passed the bar and gotten jobs, and that was enough.  My blood pressure had been running high and I had been ridden with panic attacks for a decade by then.

I learned the hard way that the girl I needed to fall in love with was the one hiding deep inside myself—and I have learned that once I got comfortable with loving myself, other people actually treated me better.

It is up to you how to live your life, but FWIW, I think some hair and hormones would make you beautiful.

There are others here who transitioned in their late 60's with stunning results.

And if going back to guy mode makes you want to cry, then it sounds like transitioning would do you a world of good.

Whatever you do, please take care of yourself.

Hugs, Carly

Hi Randim,

I am sorry you and your wife are going through this. I understand your pain and hardship and I sympathize with your wife.

I started out seeing a gender therapist. Then went on HRT. Next I went to group. All these things while presenting as male. Each step I took made me feel better and at the same time scared of the future.

Then I got costs for procedures and negotiated a compromise ( hair transplants, trachea shave and orchi and I would present male and at home female). I did not know how I would be able to exist within the compromise but I would try my best.

We went to marriage counselling and the counsellor said we needed to split up. Deep inside I knew she was right but I was at my wits end and did not want to go on. I had reached my limit for fear, pain and embarrassment.

My ex wife took back the compromise. Further, she said if I told anyone she would divorce me. I did some really stupid things.  I needed help and went on anti depressants. I actively battled for a reason to continue. Not transition but life.

I then immediately made plans to come out at work and express full time and I scheduled GCS and FFS the next day. Later, a week I think I scheduled the BA. I later schedule two bouts of hair transplants and later still two round of vocal surgery.

Divorce and losing my daughter (best friend) was extremely difficult. My daughter goes to school two blocks away from where I work and is presently doing a co-op in the building next to where I work. She will not be seen in public with me. She graduates from college in 9 months and I will not be invited to the graduation.

Fear, pain, embarrassment, being stared at, laughed at, pointed at, going through many surgeries and being alone has presented me with a huge amount of growth opportunity. I pass pretty good (never thought that would happen) and do not have gender dysphoria. My voice still needs some work but I am approaching the end of my transition.

I love picking out outfits. I wear light makeup to work and when I go out and enjoy that. I recently went to the beach and enjoyed it. I am accepted at work and have done pretty well there. I am currently figuring out where I fit. I have been in community for 5 years and I want to join a gym by my house ( I had in the past been a member in a LGBT gym). I want to do a meet up for rucking and either join a group or make one. I finally found what I really want to do for a part time business (the one I have been doing for 22 years in in a depression right now) and I may take a few courses at a university next to where I work to aid in a new part time venture.

Point being transition can be a very difficult path and there can be some awesome benefits. Not only from the transition but from the personal growth. I am very glad I transitioned.

I hope you find your path, whatever you decide to do, and remember to take a breath along the way and enjoy the ride.