Hi Shira,

Your story is similar to my own and I too had to weigh the need to transition against my social obligations and relationships. I asked myself those same questions: If I lived successfully as a man for 40 years, isn't that enough? Can't I just soldier through the next 40? It's not like dysphoria is a constant thing, there are times when I forget about it. But were there? Or does it always cloud my vision ever so slightly? I told myself, "I missed out on the fun part! I won't get to be a girl in her prime." But in the end, I came to understand that I just wasn't meant to be a guy no matter how well I did or didn't do it and living with dysphoria wasn't something I wanted to do any more. Ever since I've decreased testosterone and added estrogen, my mind has settled in a way I never thought it would. I just came from a family vacation in Florida, where I'm still very much stealth on the whole HRT thing, and for the first time, possibly ever, I felt comfortable at the pool in my boy trunks and a swim shirt. The need to wear a bikini or the desire, has transformed into a "when I have the body for it, I should get a swimsuit made for women because, well, that's what suits me now."

I'd never tell you to go the HRT route or not. I only hope in sharing my personal difficulties and progress you might be better equipped when you face down that decision square on.

In my case, as I have a dedicated wife and lovely kids, I gave up transitioning about 10 years ago, although the psychiatrist approved it. Nevertheless I wear miniskirt, dress, sometimes with high heel sandals for 365 days. I once considered voice feminization, but I gave up it too, as my kids like my low and soft voice. In summer, I sometimes wear bikini in beaches with my family. At international meetings abroad, people sometimes call me as female pronouns such as 'she'. I think there is a trade-off between my desire and my family. My kids like me, but they also think I am a kind of special dad. My wife has been very supportive of me.

barbie~~

Hi Elle,

Many thanks for sharing your story.  One quote in particular really resonated for me-

"If I lived successfully as a man for 40 years, isn't that enough? Can't I just soldier through the next 40? It's not like dysphoria is a constant thing, there are times when I forget about it. But were there? Or does it always cloud my vision ever so slightly?"   

I go about my day, everyday, and seemingly forget about it when I interact with different people.  But it is always there just beneath the surface, and increasingly more so daily. Do I really want to soldier on for another 40 years?  The answer is no, but I just don't see a way that would work for me in the near future. 

I once saw a therapist who suggested I consider going on a low, non-transition, dose of Estrogen.  Is that what you're on?  It was an exhilarating  idea when I heard it.  But I was too afraid that it would be too addictive for me and just become a pathway to a transition my heart wants desperately but my head tells me I can't have.
 
Anyway, it is good to know I am not alone with such feelings.  You're very courageous to take the steps you have already.  I hope it takes you where you want to be.

Cheers,

S
 
Hi Shira,

Your story is similar to my own and I too had to weigh the need to transition against my social obligations and relationships. I asked myself those same questions: If I lived successfully as a man for 40 years, isn't that enough? Can't I just soldier through the next 40? It's not like dysphoria is a constant thing, there are times when I forget about it. But were there? Or does it always cloud my vision ever so slightly? I told myself, "I missed out on the fun part! I won't get to be a girl in her prime." But in the end, I came to understand that I just wasn't meant to be a guy no matter how well I did or didn't do it and living with dysphoria wasn't something I wanted to do any more. Ever since I've decreased testosterone and added estrogen, my mind has settled in a way I never thought it would. I just came from a family vacation in Florida, where I'm still very much stealth on the whole HRT thing, and for the first time, possibly ever, I felt comfortable at the pool in my boy trunks and a swim shirt. The need to wear a bikini or the desire, has transformed into a "when I have the body for it, I should get a swimsuit made for women because, well, that's what suits me now."

I'd never tell you to go the HRT route or not. I only hope in sharing my personal difficulties and progress you might be better equipped when you face down that decision square on.
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That's awesome Barbie.  You're lucky to have such an understanding wife and kids.  Although it is still a trade-off it sounds like you have a good outlet.  Thanks for sharing.

Cheers,

S


In my case, as I have a dedicated wife and lovely kids, I gave up transitioning about 10 years ago, although the psychiatrist approved it. Nevertheless I wear miniskirt, dress, sometimes with high heel sandals for 365 days. I once considered voice feminization, but I gave up it too, as my kids like my low and soft voice. In summer, I sometimes wear bikini in beaches with my family. At international meetings abroad, people sometimes call me as female pronouns such as 'she'. I think there is a trade-off between my desire and my family. My kids like me, but they also think I am a kind of special dad. My wife has been very supportive of me.

barbie~~
[/quote]

Shira,

I want to share something with you that I shared with Emma just recently. It's some very wise words from a beautiful souled transwoman that I met on another forum who friended me. We have had several discussions via messages and she has really good insight. She used these words to describe her decision process about what to do after she realized and affirmed her trans status through therapy. She was at a crossroads. Continue on pretending or be herself. This is what she said. I hope that you find something from this.

"Try to imagine walking into a room that is pitch black. All you can see is a single metal table with a box and a single light above it. In the box is an item that represents every single item that you have, have had, or ever will have in your entire life and one rolled up paper that simply says life on it. You are told by a voice. you can lay every item out on the table and walk away taking nothing but the empty box with the understanding that anyone at any time can take one of those items and you will lose it forever, but you will be happy the remainder of your days, OR you can take the box with the items and walk away now but never know true happiness and go on just surviving in the world with a hole right through your center. The lights come up and its in the middle of a busy New York city street. I made the choice to leave everything on the table. I think that made the gravity of what I had to face, what all that are trans have to face hit home for him. You have to be willing to lose everything and know that happiness for you is what you want. Yeah it may hurt others may disturb others, may totally upturn your very existence, but in the end it is an attempt to feel what those who are cis feel every day.... whole...happy, normal. That is a hard realization, but once you get to the point where you understand that you've chosen this path willingly does the rest matter? you've laid the items out on that table and walked away. In that there is some comfort, the hardest part is done. Sometimes we get to keep what we set on the table for a time, sometimes forever, sometimes we lose it right away, all we can do is be happy and try to see how long we get to keep these things"

Love and faith to you.

Gabrielle