As the title implies, I'm new to the group. I'm a 26 year old transguy who's been out since 2001. I've been on T since 2002 and had top surgery with Dr. Brownstein, also in 2002. I had a full hysto in 2004 and a few weeks ago I had a metoidplasty and scrotal implants with Dr. Bowers.

That all said, I don't have any FtM friends IRL, and none of my IRL friends know that I am transgendered. Obviously, this makes it difficult to discuss things with people. I do have a partner (whom I've been with for 2 1/2 years now) and he's amazingly understanding, but he just can't relate to how I'm feeling sometimes (he is a biological male but he does
try).

My plea is really to other transguys who've undergone lower surgeries. I've spoke on and off with the receptionist at the Dr's office, and am awaiting a reply now, but in the meantime...I want to know if it's normal to be -extremely- depressed after lower surgery? To put it into perspective, I wasn't sure I wanted to get lower surgery to begin with...it just wasn't a priority. But I had the money and it seemed like everyone (who knew I was transgendered) was pushing me to make the 'final' step, but I was never 'excited' about it...not like I was when I had top surgery. I did research and knew what to expect (I was told I would have more visible erections and be able to penetrate but now know that I will not be able to do so--I think it's even less visible then it was prior)...but still, I'm left feeling very unsatisfied and subsequently depressed. I'm in pain, and still bleeding (and thus having to wear pads). The source of the problem, for the most part, is the testicular implants. They're way too large for my body. They are twice the size of my partners' and very hard--not realistic looking or feeling at all. Because of their size I cannot sit properly (because I sit on them, causing extreme pain or discomfort) and I cannot walk properly (because there's simply not enough room for me to walk with my legs closed). Their size also pushes my penis up (whereas it should hang down in front of the nuts) and inbetween, resulting in complications with the base of my penis healing properly (and I believe I may have the start of an infection as a result). I know it hasn't been very long since my surgery, but everyday I just become more unhappy about it. I do not like the way things are turning out (as far as how it all looks and feels), and am now regretting having ever done the surgery at all...but I know it's irreversible (and even if it wasn't, I don't have the money anyway)...and knowing that is depressing me even further. Is this normal? Will I feel better once I'm healed more? I could really use some advice from some guys who've been where I'm at right now...

Thanks

As far as I'm concerned you are the first guy on this site who has undergone bottom surgery.  Post-op depression is very common, especially during the first three months following SRS.

Perhaps getting in touch with other post-op guys could help you a bit.  I would think that Dr. Bowers has a list of some of her patients who want to be contacted to share their experiences, no? 

Another thing to keep in mind is that your body is adjusting to the implants and the swelling might not have gone down completely; hence the pain and awkwardness, especially when you sit, walk or close your legs.  Incidentally, have you told Dr. Bowers about this?

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed right now, but my take is that this is only a temporary phase.  I wish you well.  Welcome to Susan's!

tink

Thanks for the response, Tink.

The situation with the implants is not that it's swollen, as I can feel the outline of the implants themselves---I waited until I wasn't swollen before I made any kind of judgment. They're about 2 1/2 inches long by 1.5 inches wide. To put that into perspective, I'm about 5'5 and weigh about 140 lbs. My partner (a bio male) felt my testicular implants and compared them to his own testicles and said they were twice the size of his (he's 5'10), which are large by any standards.

Dr. Bowers works primarily with MtFs, so I don't know whether she has a list of guys who've already had surgery and wouldn't mind being contacted about it. I have informed her (or her offices at least) of my situation/feelings but haven't received a response yet and probably won't until Monday.

I was referred to the forum by another transguy as to try and make as much contact as possible, in hopes someone who's undergone lower surgery may be lurking about. All the same I appreciate advice/input from anyone about what I may be able to do, or what they would do.

I believe that Marco just announced he had bottom surgery here.  As far as the testes go, there are many different sizes.  Although what you describe does seem on the large side.

As for post surgery depression goes.... it is absolutely normal.  We all want our surgeries to turn out perfect.  They seldom do.  I think that all of us go through depressive periods following surgery, even for non trans related procedures.

Don't fret until you can talk to Dr. Bowers.  She may be able to set your mind at ease.

Chin up, my friend.

Cindi

Look I am not saying your choice is wrong but clearly the time was. No one should force anyone to have surgery and I really encourage you to seek professional advice. Surgery is a huge deal and should only be done because of internal motivation not because others think it is right. Perhaps others can speak to the surgery complication but before you go much further find someone you can talk to.

->-bleeped-<-boy

I am sorry, I haven't had the surgery you have had, though had a hysto over a year ago, and am now recovering, with complications, from top surgery w/Brownstein.

I have a few suggestions:  Have you tried joining the yahoo groups ftmsurgeryinfo and ftmsurgerysupport?  They are filled with guys with input on such things.  I think there are also some groups specific to phallos and metas, but I am not as sure about that.  Perhaps you could join there, as well, and ask for input.

I do think you MAY feel better about some aspects with time, I have watched other guys have some similar issues for different reasons, and eventually feel better about things (this was not about metas though).

I have felt some extreme depression at times, since my complication started, especially, and it's been very hard. I am now four weeks out from the initial surgery, and just had a good shift, after many many days of depression.  I am still kinda depressed, but it's not as bad.  Someone on this site, or else a list (sorry I forget) said it can take a week for every 30 minutes of anesthetic, to get that out of your system.  It is possible you may be PARTIALLY having some issues due to a reaction to whatever anesthetic was used.  How many hours was your surgery?  I would give yourself twice that number for some mental recovery, as well.

It does sound like the implants are too large for you, and for that I am very sorry.  Are you doing things to prevent the infection you said is starting?  cause that would be messier to deal with, on top of it all.  I do know that some guys have theirs removed entirely, and I would think you could choose to get smaller.

Also, I read a book in early transition you may like if you havne't seen it.  My memory is he chose to have lots of revisions, as he wasn't happy / ok with his lower surgeries (think it was a phallo, but it's the idea of frustration, depression after surgery, complications and what they can do to you mentally, etc).  It's called Both Sides Now, and the author is Dhillon Khalsa, or Dhillon Khasla.  Hope that might help you a bit, if you haven't read it.  Not trying to minimize your upset, but it may help to hear of someone else's process to figure out what is next after an unsatisfactory surgery result.

Hang in there, I am sure within a year or so, things will feel lots better.

Good luck.
Joseph

Thanks for all of the responses everyone. I have put in contact with Dr. Bowers to see what my options are and what she thinks. I'm awaiting to hear back from her. I've also been talking about it extensively with other transguys (I joined some yahoo groups), my partner, and my mom (who is very supportive).

It really boils down to dissatisfaction with the implants (size, shape, appearance, ect.). When I got the surgery it was 'all or nothing'. If I didn't get the testicular implants I didn't want it at all, otherwise I thought just having a metoid (without the implants) looked horrible and still do. I would rather look female below the waist than look like a mangled herm of some variety (not that there's anything wrong with that...I would just be even more uncomfortable with that below the waist than the 'female parts' I had previously).

A revision to get smaller implants would be pricey (due to the cost of the implants themselves), and chances are the doc will opt to remove them entirely at my request (because of the complications---even smaller ones can present the same problems with extrusion). If it comes down to that...I want the metoid reversed and everything back the way it was, which is feasible since the suspensory ligament was not severed with my surgery---everything is intact.

Joseph,

To answer your questions, I did join some yahoo groups and they've been very helpful. A lot of them, including a doctor on one list, agreed that the implants are simply too large for my body type and not placed correctly for comfort.

The surgery I had was 1 or 2 hours...it wasn't a very complicated procedure, as there was no urinary hook up nor was the suspensory ligament touched. Essentially, the clit was dissected on the underside from the pubic area, the labia minora was cut to 'free' it, and the excess was wrapped around and stitched at the underside (to cover where it had been removed from the original position). The testicles were placed inside the labia majora on either side. I believe a 'pouch' was made inside of them to hold the implants themselves, but I'm not certain. There's an incision line on the inside of each labia majora where the implants were inserted.

I am trying to prevent infection by keeping things clean, using antibacterial wash and I was using antibacterial neosporin on the outter incisions that were more superficial, but it just made it worse. The problem is that the testicles are so large they press against either side of my penis, and on the underside. It makes it impossible to get to the area to clean it properly (without causing severe pain and a lot of bleeding). The testicles just won't 'move' enough to allow the area to get air at all.

Thank you for the link to the book. I'll have to check it out. It definitely is a mental roller coaster. Personally, I would like a revision to put things the way they were previously. When I had upper surgery and my hysto, the pain was -far- worse (I was very large chested), but I never had any doubts or regrets. Even though my chest wasn't and isn't 'perfect', I wouldn't change it for the world (nor have I ever wished I could)...the fact that I'm regretting this surgery so much, accompanied with my dissatisfaction with appearance/function and my inability to just live my life normally (ie: sit and walk), is a very clear sign to me that the only remedy is to do what is possible to fix it...and fixing it, for me, is to change it back. Even though my partner is a self proclaimed gay man and was excited about the surgery (I'd have nuts and a penis, a small one, but a penis)...having seen the results, even he is supportive about my possibly having things 'reversed'---he would much rather I be happy, and so would I. And I don't think I will ever be happy with the way things 'look' below my waist now. It definitely doesn't look like those I've seen...it doesn't look male, perhaps due in part to the lack of the suspensory ligaments being severed. People keep telling me to give it time...but the thing is I started out, immediately after the surgery, in pain but happy/optimistic (due to the doc saying how simple it was and how pleased I'll be, ect.), but the more it heals, the more disappointed and depressed I become...because I can't chalk it up to 'it's still swollen', because it's not anymore---it is what it is, and what it is, is not what I wanted or hoped to get.

The fact that the doc may refuse to do anything (I got what I was told I would get, more or less?), or charge me an insane amount (which I could not afford for some time) to reverse things is depressing as well. At this rate I cannot function...I can't do anything, and it's just getting worse as I heal, not better.

I don't have any experience with this sort of thing, but isn't there some sort of "guarantee"?

Meaning, it is obvious the surgery was not a success given that there are complications. This is not just a matter of your taste (i.e. "I find the testicles too big"), it is a matter of bodily discomfort and infections which are not to blame on you (thus "the testicles ARE too big").

The discomfort and infection are a direct result from the (lack of) workmanship of the doctor. I would think that she be obligated to fix the problem / reverse the damage / however you want to call it, whether that is by smaller testicles or a reversed metoid.

I wish you all the best, and I hope that you and the doctor will be able to come to a satisfactory solution.


Greetings,
Jordan / Brandon / PolarBear hasn't really decided on a name yet.

Hey Discarded,

Sorry to hear of this. Haven't had the surgery (don't plan to), so no advice. Just hope it gets better for you and I'm here if you want to talk.

There should absolutely be a follow up care and if the testicles don't behave they will be removed and replaced with a smaller pair. This should be covered but you can't have surgery until you have healed from the first. The only likelihood of a surgeon opening anyone post op is if the surgery is medically needed and only a surgeon can evaluate this.

I am much more concerned with your statement that this wasn't entirely motivated by you or wanted by you. I think before any surgeon preforms anymore surgery (except medically needed) you need to work out what you want. That means finding a therapist you trust and dealing with this because it is a huge deal. If you can't stand behind the choice to have surgery and are prepared to throw off the blame on others i.e. "I wasn't sure I wanted to get lower surgery to begin with...it just wasn't a priority. But I had the money and it seemed like everyone (who knew I was transgendered) was pushing me to make the 'final' step, but I was never 'excited' about it...not like I was when I had top surgery. I did research and knew what to expect (I was told I would have more visible erections and be able to penetrate but now know that I will not be able to do so--I think it's even less visible then it was prior)...but still, I'm left feeling very unsatisfied and subsequently depressed."

You can expect things to feel bad when you aren't acting in accordance to what you internally feel. I am not saying surgery didn't have a place in your life but you choose to have it when you didn't want it and that is dangerous. I know it is common to have post op depression in fact I expect it and have arranged to have a script for short term antidepressant at my pharmacy when I am recovering. Also try and remember that results doesn't look good after surgery. Things are ugly, hurting and swollen which never inspires confidence. In terms of visibility you can gain or lose length post op, if you want less shrinkage you need traction. You are almost never going to have penetration without assistance of a device or phalloplasty.

->-bleeped-<-boy

->-bleeped-<-boy

I know I might be over simplifying things and such with this statement but...

Why not simply run back to the doc and get some smaller balls?

Tell her she hooked you up with something that's simply too large and uncomfortable and you would appreciate it being fixed, especially if she doesn't want to ahve her name put across a website that MANY transsexuals come across and finding a negative review of her services.

U need to go back to the doctor! She has to do something about it!

If they are too big as u say you are not gonna get a good quality of life!

And also an advice...put some ice on it it may help ...

Sorry u are not happy about your surgery but it appears to me you were not ready in the 1st place for it....

But now its there so...u gotta take care of it

I just wanted to thank everyone for posting and offering their support and advice.

I wanted to toss an update about the situation out.

I did speak with Dr. Bowers today via phone and we've set up an appointment for her and I to discuss this in person. She was very understanding and said her goal is to make sure I am 100% happy and satisfied with everything.

She agreed that the implants put in were large (as in the size was actually large) and that if it's impairing my life the way it is, they should come out and either be replaced with smaller ones, or removed entirely. I told her I wanted them removed entirely, as the risk of having to have yet another surgery, should smaller ones be put in, because of more complications, is just not worth it to me. She was very understanding about that and said it is the most difficult part of lower surgery. So she will be removing them for me with no cost on her end...just hospital costs. Which is fine with me.

However, she got a bit more defensive when I inquired about the possibility of 'reversing' the meta. Obviously, it'd be a strange question from someone in my situation (ie: a transguy who assured he understood what to expect and saved for several years to have the 'final' lower surgery). She did say that technically it could be reversed, but that she refuses to do so until I give it more time, or speak with her at length about my view towards all of this. My view is simply that, given the complications with the implants, I will opt not to have them at all. Lower surgery has -always- been all or nothing for me. I did not, and do not, like being 'half there'. The goal of the surgery was to look more like a biological male below the waist, and it didn't accomplish that to my satisfaction--without implants the metoid alone never looked closer to being male than what I had (now if I had a more invasive surgery with vaginectomy, ect. it would be different---but again, just not worth it). So I would rather be the way it was prior to surgery, which I was perfectly comfortable with (I get the impression that maybe she feels as though I had surgery because I felt I -had- to, because I just couldn't live with having 'chick parts' down there, but that's certainly not the case) than have what I have now below the waist.

She was very concerned about my back pedaling, or perhaps regret, and the ramifications it has on her and other surgeons, as well as other transgendered individuals, as a whole. She felt it undermined what she and the other surgeons do, and what other trans people opt to do.

She wants to understand my view and wants me to understand hers. Which I do. Maybe it does just boil down to it being the wrong decision at the wrong time. But if I can do something about it...I will, especially if she requires I wait and my feelings do not change (and I won't say they won't after the implants are removed, because for all I know that burden lifted could change my entire perspective). Ultimately, she wants me to be happy with myself and my body and she said she will do whatever she can to ensure that, and if I do opt for these things, her services are free and I'm only responsible for hospital costs (which was a huge burden off my shoulders about this situation).

I'm having a hard time articulating what it is I want to say to her, or how I want to explain myself...I'm a psychology major...it shouldn't be difficult for me, but for some reason it is.

It really just boils down to lack of satisfaction with the results (even though I had a general idea of what to expect, albeit it was painted with results from far more invasive surgeries than I had...and I was assured I'd be able to penetrate during sex, which will never be the case, and was my original purpose of the surgery). I was at peace with what I had below the waist prior to surgery...I was comfortable and happy. The surgery was supposed to make me happier, give me more peace by making me look closer to a bio male, but it hasn't accomplished that...and it never will (with the more research I do about it and hear from guys who've been through it and now wish they hadn't but they had far more invasive surgeries, making it impossible for them to go back). I want to be at peace again and at this moment in time, even if the resulting meta heals just as it's supposed and looks just like it should, it won't be good enough. I will have chick parts below the waist, but with the exception of a pseudo penis (and I don't say just penis because it doesn't look like one to me, not even a very tiny one).

So, I have an appointment set and the implants will be coming out. Everything else...well...I'll see after I speak to her and decide then if a reversal is something that should be done alongside the implant removal, or if it's something I need to give more time (which I am willing to do) before casting judgment and then, if still unsatisfied, have it changed back. I know it won't be -exactly- like it was, due to the incision lines from the implants, and so on, but if she can do such amazing work with MtFs, then I am comfortable knowing that, if I do decide to have it reversed, she can get it as close to what it was.

Just wanted to give an update. I am so far pleased with the steps she's taking to rectify this situation...I just wish I could explain it better than I am without giving the impression that I thought the surgery results would be great, and that my hopes were simply too high, and now I've been let down, and thus seek to make it how it was before (because I was NOT one of those guys who absolutely hated everything below the waist---no one knew but my close family and partner and there was never a point where I thought I had to get surgery because I just couldn't live without it and I told that to her before surgery---the surgery was to make me happier, not happy, and it's accomplished the opposite of that...NOW I have the feeling of not being able to live with what I have below the waist. The feeling is akin to what I felt during puberty, when I acknowledged I was transgendered, and that extreme discomfort I had with, specifically, my chest and internal female parts and that feeling of just having to deal with it and get used to it.

Thanks again for all of the support...if anyone has any ideas on how to relay how I feel as concisely as possible, please share. I think it's difficult trying to understand one another when there's a clear difference in how transgirls and transguys view transitioning in general due to differences in what's available to us and our recourses.

I am listening, and hear your request to be able to say it more succinctly.  I have a couple suggestions:
1.  Consider finding a way to move through as much of the upset / emotion as possible before you meet with her.  You are doing a great job by posting here, and writing it out.  I would consider, also, whatever else calms you.  For me, building a fire for a few days in a row calmed me greatly while dealing with my upset from surgery complications.  Also, getting bodywork helps me -- especially back massage and foot massage. I also get network spinal analysis (a gentle gentle form of chiropractic).  Things like this help me to speak more concisely, because the upset isn't in the forefront, even if I still don't like something.  I also do more herbal / natural things, which you may or may not like.  I think I am among a minority of transmen in some of these things.   ANYWAYS.....my point is, I hear your upset in your posts, and that is probably what is making you verbalize things over and over, you maybe aren't feeling quite clear yet inside, just something to consider.  It always helps me.

2.  What I hear you saying, and you could just try a version of this:  "I am not happy with my surgery results.  I think I want to try _______."  And seriously, leave it at that.  I don't think you need to go on and on about what you knew before, etc, etc.  That time is in the past.  Yes, Dr. Bowers has a point, and you can tell her you hear her point, summarized I think to: "Yes, I understand the seriousness of this surgery, and the importance of doing one's best to only choose it if one is ready."  And then, with both those statements, you can just pause.  She may want to go on, and say a lot more, and may be triggered into some of her own upset / emotion about this.  That is okay.  She cares about her work, she may feel defensive, and maybe even angry / irritated.  THAT is okay.  You don't need to keep engaging.  I haven't spoken with her, but have seen her in films and on TV.  She seems smart and articulate.  Perhaps she just wants to be certain you hear her point of view, and, perhaps, is feeling a bit upset / defensive.  That's okay.  She is human.  She is earnest in this work, I believe. 

I have a similar pattern, I think, of sometimes feeling not quite on the right words, and then I talk more than I wish I would.
It's okay to approximate with words, and then pause.  THIS IS WHAT I AM LEARNING< I am speaking to you as someone working on this.

Good luck to you.
Joseph

Ok discarded before I respond to your last post, I want to say a few things. I am not trying to be hurtful and I am not here to lay blame. You have made a few mistakes but lets put that in the past and try to address this fairly. Lastly please know that you are not discarded, you are valued and cared about. Please don't think this about an attack on you or that we don't care. Please keep us updated.

I am glad you are speaking with your surgeon because she will best be able to tell what physical treatments and surgeries will be appropriate. What I am hearing is that the implants are too large, they will be removed and you don't currently want replacements. In terms of costs that sounds right because she can only control her costs.

Now in terms of reversing the meta, there are valid reasons to be worried at that request. The meta works by severing the ligaments and while I am in discussion with surgeon about reattaching the ligaments to support the new penis this isn't an option for the current surgery. The only way to avoid retraction is to maintain constant traction post op but most surgeons don't do this. The meta can't really be reversed and any surgery done to reverse by reattaching the ligaments is likely to fail or worse will cause great retraction. The only benefit to reattaching the ligaments is if it is done during the original surgery. You are welcome to try and if you insist she may do it but realistically you are putting yourself through another surgery with more risk then leaving it alone. No surgeon should be willing to do any surgery until you have healed from the prior one. If you find one run in the other direction because it is simply dangerous.

I told you before to get counseling and I stand by that. In the same paragraph you say you are and aren't comfortable with your prior genitals. Nothing you do will ever give you the genitals you had prior to surgery or hormones and no surgery you have now will change that. I am not in the least concerned about the effects you changing your mind might have on the surgeons but she should be concerned about you regretting your choices.

I like that I am hearing you listening both to yourself and the surgeon and that you are willing to wait and see how you will feel in a few months time. This all could be the result of anesthetic, surgery, complication etc. Or this could be your wake up call to assess how far you really want to go. You don't need a penis to be a man and I am sorry if others told you this. I am searching for my penis surgery because I know that it is what I want. It is for no one else but me. Top surgery was about passing, hysto was about health but my penis that is all for me. It won't make me anymore of a man but it will give me peace.

If you have trouble making yourself and needs clear maybe you should bring an advocate with you, communicate in writing prior to your appointment and bring a list of what you want to talk about. I think you should be aware that until you can clearly explain you thoughts, feelings and dreams how can you expect that your surgeons to be able to help you achieve your dreams? We all have times when it is hard to explain what we are thinking but it is important to find ways to communicate. I am sorry that you didn't understand the surgery before you had it. It does cause me a great deal of worry that your surgeons, therapists and doctor didn't see that you didn't understand what you were doing. You clearly have a very warped idea of what surgeries are able to do. I know that I have proven to about 30- 40 doctors that I understand the surgeries completely and often better then the doctors testing me. This post seems pretty clear so maybe you should write something like it for her to read.

Also be aware that this doctor is probably worried you are going to sue her and is trying to be very careful not to do the wrong thing again. Good luck and if you want to talk or rant we are here.

->-bleeped-<-boy

thats good ur talkin to her bro.  she was on my mind for my meta but dunno anymore now.

Quote from: ->-bleeped-<-boyYou don't need a penis to be a man

yep thats it.  I rather have what I got and save myself the trouble of a surgery gone wrong.  good luck dude

Quote from: ->-bleeped-<-boy link=topic=30966.msg218222#msg218222 date=1207022506

Now in terms of reversing the meta, there are valid reasons to be worried at that request. The meta works by severing the ligaments and while I am in discussion with surgeon about reattaching the ligaments to support the new penis this isn't an option for the current surgery. The only way to avoid retraction is to maintain constant traction post op but most surgeons don't do this. The meta can't really be reversed and any surgery done to reverse by reattaching the ligaments is likely to fail or worse will cause great retraction. The only benefit to reattaching the ligaments is if it is done during the original surgery. You are welcome to try and if you insist she may do it but realistically you are putting yourself through another surgery with more risk then leaving it alone. No surgeon should be willing to do any surgery until you have healed from the prior one. If you find one run in the other direction because it is simply dangerous.

I told you before to get counseling and I stand by that. ......I like that I am hearing you listening both to yourself and the surgeon and that you are willing to wait and see how you will feel in a few months time. This all could be thIf you have trouble making yourself and needs clear maybe you should bring an advocate with you, communicate in writing prior to your appointment and bring a list of what you want to talk about. I think you should be aware that until you can clearly explain you thoughts, feelings and dreams how can you expect e result of anesthetic, surgery, complication etc. Or this could be your wake up call to assess how far you really want to go. You don't need a penis to be a man .... I am sorry that you didn't understand the surgery before you had it. Also be aware that this doctor is probably worried you are going to sue her and is trying to be very careful not to do the wrong thing again. Good luck and if you want to talk or rant we are here.

->-bleeped-<-boy

I just want to say that this is one of the best posts I have read anywhere in a long time.  I am really impressed, ->-bleeped-<-boy, with how you assimilated discarded's prior writings, and distilled it into this.  WAY better than what I just wrote, and I learned a lot from this, myself.  You saw lots of things I missed, and articulated very well.  I marked up your reputation, dude, it should hit the sky for this one.

You are right about it all, a true reversal isn't possible here, and you explained why.  I do share the concern for how it came to be that discarded had this surgery.  I do also share the concern that it's pretty soon post op to know for sure how you might feel longer term, though it certainly sounds like it's leaning towards not liking it, I think it is prudent to give your body and mind some time to be in this "transitional" space, and then see what seems right.  I wouldn't want to mess around too frequently with that part of my body -- seems wise to try to take a bit of time here to learn from this experience all that you can, and really research next what you want to do, so that you don't rush too much.

Please keep writing as you need to, discarded, and let yourself learn through this anything you need to so that you are ready for your next step, whatever you decide that will be.  I hear you are meeting soon with the surgeon, to have the implants out, since they are so uncomfortable.  That makes sense.  Are you positive you don't want to try a much smaller version?

Please write, update, etc.  I would really like to hear how you solved this.  It is a surgery I am considering, but have not spent a lot of time researching it yet (it seems at least two years away for me for a few reasons, so I am only doing a bit of exploration at this point).  I am curious what the surgeon might suggest and what you might come to as a solution for the problems you feel you are now dealing with.  I am glad to hear Dr. B is willing to work with you towards your satisfaction.  I can only imagine there must be a lot of feelings going on for you around this situation.

Wish you all the best.
Joseph

Thanks.
Joseph