Hello, a new member speaking.

I've already viewed this page multiple times in the past and found it to be really helpful but couldn't find a topic that deals with my current problem. Here goes.
I've came out as ftm in school last may and so far it's ok. I was lucky having a kind of accepting class and having close friends that helped me through first confusion that I got from others. Five weeks after summer break tho I started to understand that many don't really understand it, I am still a girl in their heads, I don't get invited to guys activities and so on. Most of the time that's ok for me, but being missgenderd often, not doing the "guys stuff", having to sleep with the girls on the class field trip really can bump me out from time to time. Those are the moments I really want to speak to my parents, problem is, I am not out to them. I was out, 4 or 5 years ago, it went horribly wrong, they made me responsible for a lot of ->-bleeped-<- going on in my families life... It was quite a hazard coming out in school without their permission. Point is, I live a dual life right now. In school I am a boy, at home I am a girl. I think they should know that something is going on because they see me every day and I don't look like a girl and don't dress that way at home either.
I thought when coming out in school it will be ok living such a dual life but I am not sure about that now. I've had a lot nervous breakdowns the past few weeks and the urge to out myself. My parents are asking me nearly every evening right now if everything is ok, since I seem sad to them.
Do any of you have experience with a dual life? And what do you do about it? I am a little afraid that I won't be able to maintain it for so long, especially with my last exams coming up. Moving out isn't really an option btw, since I finish school in less than a year anyway and it wouldn't be worth the stress.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder so it is not only easy, but vital, for my female alter and I to maintain separate lives. It has been working well since she became self aware almost 10 years ago. The compartmentalization necessary to live this way is extremely difficult for people who are not dissociative. I saw this time and time again with bigender people I met on www.Bigender.net.  Equilibrium seems to come in settling on one expression of gender or another. Think of Mrs. Doubtfire, Tootsie and Victor Victoria; it is virtually impossible for a singlet to maintain separate lives for extended lengths of time.

Hi, Living!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I am sorry that you are feeling such stress.  I have not been in the same position as you, because I was much older when I came out.  But I do know that living a dual life is very stressful.

Do you think your parents would kick you out of the house if you came out to them?  Do you think you would be unsafe in any other way?  If so, it may be prudent to wait until you graduate and move out on your own before telling them what is up, even though it will hard to do so.

On the other hand, if you think it might be uncomfortable but not really unsafe, then perhaps the next time they ask you what is wrong, you could tell them.

Is there a school counsellor that you could talk to about how best to come out to your parents?

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Thanks for your answer Kathy!

Do you think your parents would kick you out of the house if you came out to them?  Do you think you would be unsafe in any other way?  If so, it may be prudent to wait until you graduate and move out on your own before telling them what is up, even though it will hard to do so.

On the other hand, if you think it might be uncomfortable but not really unsafe, then perhaps the next time they ask you what is wrong, you could tell them.

I joke about them kicking me out but I don't think they would, they didn't do it the first time. Thing is, I was able to create a better releationship with them again (kinda). I don't speak about personal stuff and I don't really like spending time with them, I don't really know what would happen if I came out. I am afraid the yelling will starts again, they'll forbid me to tell other family members or they'll forbid me to meet friends and do stuff other than learning. (That all happened but I was a lot younger) On the other hand I wouldn't have to hide my stuff all the time and get heart attacks when they are close to discovering something.



Is there a school counsellor that you could talk to about how best to come out to your parents?


Actually there is, I have a teacher I talk to in school about my parents and that helped me, I don't want to bother him that much tho. He said, if I want to he and my director (who helped me coming out while being underage) could have a talk with them and me altogether. Originally my plan was to come out when I'll move out but thinking about his suggestion makes me concindering coming out earlier, right now I am thinking about doing it right after my exams but the more I think about it the more I like the idea of doing it earlier.